Son is shy and struggling with Freshers week

[talia66]

I wondered if anybody has experience with this? My son is in week one of uni. He is quite a naturally introverted person. He is more than happy with his own company and is more like to have a small group of good friends than lots and lots of acquaintances.
He gets very socially awkward which can almost come across weird and abrasive I think, although he is just trying to 'fit in'.
He arrived at uni on Saturday and already his flat mates have been out every night drinking and he says its like everybody are best buds already.
He doesn't like alcohol (even though he has tried to drink to 'fit in') He even put off making his dinner today until they all went out at 9pm because they sit in the kitchen having a laugh and drinking and he feels awkward walking in. They say hi, but don't engage him in conversation.

I am extrovert and so it is really hard for me to help him as such. I have been encouraging him to put himself out there and try and overcome his shyness, but now I think I am just putting him in uncomfortable situations and maybe he is best doing his own thing (He has friends online he communicates with so he isn't sitting in his room lonely).

Does anybody have experience of this? I don't know how to help him with social interaction etc. . . should I let him just figure it out, keep encouraging him to engage in conversations even if he feels uncomfortable?

His actual course hasn't started yet so I am hoping once it does that will help. It doesn't help that I am dealing with empty nest syndrome, which is causing me anxiety. sorry to ramble on x any advice or insight would really help. thasks

Just wanted to say he is exactly the same as my daughter who is also struggling socially at uni. Doesn’t fit in with her flat mates as she doesn’t like clubbing ( or drinking much)
Yes joining clubs is a good idea and hopefully he’ll find like minded people on his course. That’s what I’m clinging onto for my daughter. It is not easy. You have my sympathy.

I didn't really click with anyone from my flat when I was in hall we all went out together for Freshers as we didn't know anyone else but it was people from my course I actually made friends with and then lived with in the following years. I wouldn't worry too much for now. Wait until he gets to meet people from his course.

Do they have quiet flats there that he could live in ?

I would firstly reassure your son that he doesn't have to drink to fit in. He should be able to be himself and feel relaxed. He needs to ask the accommodation office to move him now to be with more like minded people.

It would also be good for him to go to the freshers fair and sign up to some activities.
My DS had a tough first year experience in halls and is now with more like minded people and having a wonderful time.

Yes definitely clubs and societies! And he’ll meet other people through his course too. I disliked everyone in my halls, they were such a bizarre collection of people, I can’t even describe them here because it would probably be outing. But made friends with some girls on my course and had a massive group of friends via the sport I did. Remember lots of students won’t even be living in halls, it’s not the only way to make friends!

My DD is struggling with fitting in with her flat. She is not a big drinker and is sensitive to noise. I think she wants to come home and she feels like she doesn’t connect with people. Not sure what to do. She just needs one or two quiet people to hang around with. There seems to be so much pressure to go clubbing. One boy in her flat is totally domineering and into drugs and partying, which is very far from her experience. I can’t see her lasting there to be honest. I have told her to wait until the lectures and lessons start before she makes a decision. This is so hard as I can tell she is really unhappy. She struggled at school and was bullied and she really thought this would be a breakthrough. I cannot sleep for worry.

You don't help him. You are way over invested.

OP, I think you are fine! Of course he is asking for your advice

As others have said, join some clubs and societies. It’s very early. Its ok not to have found your feet by now - lots of people will be in the same boy, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

I think Freshers week is massively hyped as an amazing fun experience and that you immediately make amazing friends for life. Most of the young people will struggle at one time or another and I think it's helpful to remind them that the dynamic in their accommodation will change dramatically once the timetable starts.

Please tell him not to overthink it. Tell him to go along to the Fresher's fair. There will be all sorts of societies and causes for him to join.
This week will pass and from next week they will be in their lectures.
He will find his 'tribe'.

@vjg13

I think Freshers week is massively hyped as an amazing fun experience and that you immediately make amazing friends for life. Most of the young people will struggle at one time or another and I think it's helpful to remind them that the dynamic in their accommodation will change dramatically once the timetable starts.

I totally agree and it was always like this. I went to uni over 30 years ago and everyone went out during Freshers and it was all a bit scary for me (barely drunk before, came from tiny village, went to huge city) but it was just something to get through at the end of the day. I have lifelong friends from uni but I certainly didn't meet them in the first week or two - but at the time I felt a huge pressure (self imposed I think) to make sure I was making friends. Actually these things tend to be much more natural and organic. I loved my time at uni but it didn't all click on day one. My child starts this week and I'm hoping she is going to be quite relaxed about the first week or so before lectures start and not feel pressured to do things she doesn't feel like doing (though she's the exact opposite of me and used to going out in a big city and moving to a much smaller one!) OP, reassure him that there will be his tribe but it just might take a while to find them - clubs are the way to go for now but once lectures start he'll meet more people too.

@Chilldonaldchill You have exactly described me and my university experience, also thirty plus years ago!
My daughter started last week and is vey used to going out in a large City, moved to a smaller one and usually very independent but she's having the odd wobble. I keep having to give her the spoiler alert of how it will all settle down when the timetable properly starts and people branch off.

Clubs where others share the same interest are the way to go, I think.

Would it be possible for him to find accommodation where he doesn’t need to share facilities with others? There are various options now where, though in halls, students have their own small flat with private facilities. They can mix in public areas when they choose to but don’t have the discomfort of forced interactions before they feel ready.

Just wondering how it worked out for your son? Mine is due to go and he sounds very similar to how you described your son.