Daughter with OCD and request for accommodations refused by uni - what now?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

DD1 going off to do zoology at uni in September, she'll be about 5 hours away from home.

She has been unwell with generalised anxiety disorder, related to OCD, related to (probable) autism. She refused an autism assessment as she felt that would pathologise her passion for her subject, but her psychiatrist and psychologist both think that the root of her anxiety is neurodiversity.

She took a year out after school in order to get well and work and has done really well, the suicidal ideation seems to be under control and she has really worked hard at getting well and uses exercise and her experiments at home to manage her symptoms. She is ready to go back to learning and looking forward to her course - I'm sure that the course and the uni are right for her. I'm hopeful that being amongst people who "get" her niche interests will be really helpful for her to find her place in the world.

She is moving into halls and wants to take a small vivarium with an small species of lizard. The animals act like a touchstone for her mood - they aren't pets, she is meticulous in studying and recording their their behaviour and their environment. The tank is a little planted eco system, the whole thing is her version of mindfulness. The tank is 45cmx45cmx45cm and does not need a heat pad or electrical equipment. She has several large tanks at home, this small species were chosen 2 years ago specifically because they don't need much space and would be suitable for taking with her to halls.

Uni refused her permission to have the tank two weeks ago. This has set off her anxiety, she's back self harming and is saying that she'll go and study anyway but I can see her spiralling again - and the idea of her struggling with the sort of intrusive thoughts she had previously when so far away from home, well, I'd fret that she's not safe, she really was very poorly.

I think she needs to write back to the university and properly explain that this is not a self indulgence but an accommodation for her mental health condition - albeit a strange one. I don't think she adequately explained the reasons behind her request. She doesn't want to make a fuss. I don't think she will cope as well at uni without having one of her animal projects with her - it is both part of her condition and part of her solution.

I want to speak to the uni and advocate for her, but I know I can't interfere with a young adult's problem - I don't want to be That Parent! I'm worried that she's not going to be able to articulate the importance of this tank because she's a little embarrassed that it is so significant to her, she isn't really able to explain to a NT person WHY this project is so important to her, it just is.

I am sure that if she could take the tank she would manage the inevitable anxiety that her first year at uni will bring.

I'm worried that if the refusal has made her so stressed then perhaps she is not actually fit for going to study? Her psychiatrist is happy with her progress and only has a phone review planned in a fortnight before discharging her. IT's only been a fortnight though, so it might be that she can manage the spiral - but, she uses her animals to do that and so the thought of not having them available is heightening her anxiety. Catch 22.

She has to arrange an appointment with the DSA assessor at uni - is anyone able to advise whether it is even worth pursuing the request, whether the DSA is the best avenue to try and whether there has ever been flexibility granted for having an animal (no fur, no mess, no smell, no escaping, no electrical equipment, no noise, you can't even see them because they hide all the time and are very dull if you ask me) in halls?

She's a born scientist. She's exactly the sort of student that tutors want to have on a course - she's bright and motivated and keen. She's also going to permanently have to work to manage her intrusive thoughts, anxiety and sense of being a square peg in a round world - obviously I think that a tank of lizards is a good solution!

It's been a long time since I went to university but I really don't think halls would be a great idea for your daughter.

I would contact the other university’s student support team. They will need to have her on their radar.
I would also question whether five hours away is sensible.
Could she consider something closer through clearing. An hour away means you can go and get her in a crisis or she could come home for weekends more easily or if she needs space.
I’d also be asking university support teams about their halls. There are alcohol free ones for example that might suit her better

Would it be possible to replace the lizards with a terrarium as something to care for? The web cam idea sounds good.

Your Dd is self harming before university has even started. I highly doubt she will cope in lively student halls, especially if she has to share a kitchen, shower and toilet. This is just the basics. How will she cope with workload stress?

According to What Uni, there are 70 universities offering zoology undergraduate courses. I am unsure why she has chosen a Uni 5 hours from home whilst she is in such a fragile state.

Has she looked into doing an apprenticeship at a zoo or reptile shop? I’m trying to get dd to look into doing an apprenticeship as I feel she won’t cope at uni. I know how you feel, my dd is very bright and is expecting the get A’s in her A levels giving her a great choice of unis but I don’t think she would cope being 5 hours away from home, she’s quite stuck in her ways and won’t apply for a uni that’s not in the top 10 😐. I’m dreading her making the wrong choice for her mental health just because people are expecting her to go to a top uni.

I have a DD with similar interests. I think I can guess which university - quite a small town if I am guessing correctly. There may be other courses that allow a specialisation in herpetology but don't actually advertise it as such. Closer to home would surely be better than somewhere that is going to take 5 hours to get to if she has a crisis.

Zoos don't really do apprenticeships (believe me, we looked).

The lizards are honestly getting good care, but I do appreciate your concern, veterinari. They are Eurydactylodes and currently getting basking spots and uvb off the tanks they sit between. Seems there is debate about whether nocturnal lizards need UVB, but she currently gives it for enrichment and to create a temp drop. Ambient temperature in the halls is within their temp range (yes, she checked) and the first sign of any change in behaviour without the UVB and she'd see it from 2 years of records and would change her study lamp to a UVB bulb which would do the trick.

Not the point of the thread and I don't want to derail but Eurydactyloides should be kept at 21-24C with a basking spot of 27-29C and UVB is recommended. It's unlikely that a tank at ambient temperature in a student hall without any electrical support would provide appropriate environmental conditions

How would your DD cope if they deteriorated because she was unable to provide proper care?

It really doesn't sound as if halls is the best place for her

My best advice would be to try looking at private rental. Halls are hard on someone who is neurodiverse and anxious. I spent 3 years in halls because the proximity to the university was best for my particular brand of OCD and anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, I loathed every minute of living there but I knew I’d cope better when I was 5 minutes from uni rather than being further away in a private rental. The disruption, constant activity, extreme alcohol, middle of night fire alarms, etc are sheer hell. It’s impossible to control your environment. It’s non-stop stimulation. You couldn’t pay me to go back through that. It was purely a means to an end. The lizard is a whole other barrel of fish, there’s no hope of getting that into halls and even getting a private rental that allows reptiles will be a challenge.

I would also advise that she gives serious, serious thought to whether she’s ready to take on uni. I tried and failed to cope. I did then go back through the process at a uni closer to home, got my degree and I’m now working in my professional field. But if you’re not in control of the anxiety and OCD, you’re starting at the bottom of a slippery hill. I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve been there, done that, got the scars - physical and emotional - and got the T-shirt.

Is she good at maintaining regular contact with someone (whether that is you, or a mental health professional, or someone else) with whom she can talk through all of the inevitable day-to-day stresses. Would she be willing and able to make contact proactively with counselling support at university? How much insight would she have if her difficulties were starting to get unmaneagable? How good would she be at raising an alert if things got out of control?

Those are the kinds of questions that pop up for me because my son who was later diagnosed with autism went into a downward spiral in his first year at university and most decidedly did NOT have the skills and insight to seek help. He became very ill indeed, but if we could have kept lines of contact open, and if he had made full use of university pastoral and medical support it may have been different

I guess that fact that she has refused an autism assessment does raise a bit of a red flag for me. It seems like an important part of making sure she has the right support network in place.

Do you think the refusal of an assessment is on balance a positive thing -- a kind of self-sufficiency and confidence that might blossom into good self-management skills? Or do you think it is a bit of a flight from reality, an unwillingness to face something difficult?

Why does she think that a diagnosis would pathologise her passionate intellectual interests? That seems rather a confining view. Is there anything you could say that would challenge it?

TBH I think deferring for a year sounds a good plan. Your DD going by what you've written doesn't sound strong enough yet to go that far away from home and her support network and thrive. In another year, hopefully she'll be much stronger and better able to cope. Are halls the best place for her? Would she not be happier in a quieter environment where she could also keep the lizards?
I also think getting a formal autism diagnosis would be helpful for her not least with getting adjustments made. I do understand why she doesn't want it, but I think it may be beneficial to have it from a support point of view.

Have not RTFT but if she is doing zoology perhaps her department could host the lizards.

I have an extreme suggestion that I only make because you seem open to outside the box suggestions. Could you move up there with her either full time or for an initial period and then commute between there and home? If you can afford it I think it could really smooth the transition and give her some comfort.

Private rental and/or house the lizards in her new department. Contact the department to discuss.

Pretty sure the zoology dept won't want to host students' random pets!, though it is a nice idea.

Is the issue of the lizards a bit of a red herring, realistically speaking -- a kind of proxy within the family for discussing all of the wider and more practical issues of coping? It seems such an unrealistic idea, that the university would approve them in halls (though I did have a secret illegal hamster for a while in my university accommodation!).

I don't know anything about the ND side of the situation, but having pets in halls is a lot more common than you would think. When I was an undergrad lots of friends had tanks of fish, there were a few hamsters and even a house rabbit who would roam the halls. None were ever discovered, if you don't have in-room cleaning (ours was only for the communal areas) then there is no reason for them to enter your room, unless it's a pre-arranged inspection. The bigger issue here is that it has been brought up already, so they are more likely to check. I also agree that it isn't the best environment for the animals.

You could email the course secretary and ask if any academics, or post-grad students would house them? I'd happily have provided lodgings for a tank of reptiles when I was a post-doc and had a secure outhouse with power. They could have been visited without even disturbing me.

@bathorshower

Properly trained and registered assistance dogs are exempt. Unfortunately pet lizards are not legally comparable

Indeed they aren't, but that's why I suggested it might be worth asking again - I would have thought that lizards would be less likely to actually cause an issue; even the best trained guide dog has to poo somewhere...

Depends what the lizard eats…if it’s live crickets and a tub of them escape? 🤷‍♀️

Sorry but this is just ridiculous. I do feel for your daughter but you need to be working with her to cope without the pets. It's not a helpful path forward is it?

Does she absolutely need to be in halls? My cousin went straight to his own flat. An expensive option maybe but possibly a flatshare on spare room? He's no social butterfly but had no problems making friends and integrating at uni.

Surely the anxiety of having illicit pets in her room wouldn't help her, if people are expecting her to just hide them? Inspections are always possible.

I also can't see an academic dept taking responsibility for these pets - and would she not then want 7 day a week access to them? Care and feeding of lab animals has been a massive pain for departments during the pandemic.

Postdoc / academics neither - you sound very kind, @LetsAllSpeakScience but I would advise any colleagues / students against a) taking responsibility for these pets where anything going wrong is likely to trigger a crisis and b) agreeing that a stranger can have regular access to their home to check up in them.

It's just about possible the university has a suitable space and that the OP's daughter will be okay with leaving the lizards there, but highly unlikely. And if she doesn't want to share information on her mental state with halls, why would she do it with the department?

Please also don't assume there's a departmental secretary waiting to deal with this - in many cases you'll get an exhausted academic who will really appreciate it if you take the sensible step of filling halls management in on the issue. I would be really sympathetic to your daughter but I would worry that she wasn't disclosing information where it's needed. We have students whose needs take a lot of time and effort to meet, and we don't begrudge that, but we really need people to engage with the services and support that are there for them as well.

Surely it's much less of an imposition to give full information to halls, including support from a medical professional? But I agree with others that halls sound a bad idea. An advantage of a bedsit or shared house would be that you would be able to come and visit, stay over perhaps, help her organise things much more easily than at halls. If she goes this year, I'd focus very much on a suitable space (with lizards) and upfront communication with every relevant service. I really doubt that housing the lizards will be the last big challenge, but students who have good family support and communicate with university services are most likely to beat those challenges.

Wait if necessary. I am sounding curmudgeonly because it's been an exhausting year, but one thing I would say is that Iose less sleep over students who have family support and who confide in their parents - they've got a safety net and your daughter will have that.

Would it be feasible to rent a 2 bedroomed place near the uni and you go and stay with your daughter ( and lizards) for some of the week to to keep an eye on her and make sure she is settling in ok/ that her mental health is ok?
Obviously I know this is dependent on your family situation / work situation/finances etc but in some cases it may be possible to do perhaps for the first couple of terms?

It’s a shame the Uni is so far away. I’d make sure she has double and triple checked that there isn’t another one that hold be suitable closer to home. If she has particular interests she could always look into them later, perhaps during a masters or as part of a project or dissertation.

She should definitely consider a uni close to home. Even if she has to study something less perfect
She can always do a masters in her specialism later.

Dd2 suffers from pnaic attacks and turned down unis too far away. She's going to one an hour and a half away.

OP, my apologies. My post was rude and unhelpful. I was suffering from food poisoning and so not thinking clearly.

From the perspective of someone with autism who also has extensive experience with disability support at university, I think your daughter would benefit from getting an autism assessment. Second, because university can be quite demanding for everyone, she is five hours away and universities are trying to figure out how to make timetabling work with social distancing and an uncertain future regarding the pandemic, it would be best for her to get a better handle on her mental health issues before going to university.

I like the web cam idea.

Again, my apologies for being unnecessarily rude. I have great respect for your trying to help your daughter with this situation.