Empty nest syndrome at 37

[Popstessy]

Hi I always find really helpful threads on mumsnet when I google parenting worries. So I have purposely joined to ask for support I guess.

My son is 18 and if all goes to plan he will go off to uni in September. I am thrilled for him and so proud of him and I think it'll be a wonderful experience for him. In front of him I am super positive about the hole thing, but inside I'm really struggling.

I feel like I'm so lost, I'm 36 and will be 37 by the time he goes. I work full time, not the best paid job not the worst either I'm in a bit of debt that I'm working hard to get paid down hopefully soon which makes money a bit tighter.

The reason for my post is that I just want to know how people cope when their children leave home? I'm a single Mum and have been since he was 1. I feel as though I don't really know who I am anymore as I've been a mum since I was a child myself. I am now getting more freedom as my son becomes more independent but I have no idea what to do with that freedom (I don't really even want it) I love being a mum and I'm sad I've not had more children I always thought I would have. People keep saying to me throw yourself into new ventures, but at my age? What exactly? Aren't new ventures for people in their 20s. I feel like I didn't fit in with my peer group in my early 20s when they were all out partying and I was a mum and I feel like I don't again as a lot of them now have young children or are just starting their families and my son is all grown up. The mums that's I'm friends with who are older than me that have children my sons age are winding down they tell me after years of bringing up children they're happy for them to go off to uni and enjoy a bit of a quieter life winding down towards retirement.

I just feel really lost and I'm scared for how it will be when he leaves. I have a partner but we don't live together and it's a long distance relationship. There's no sign of that progressing any time soon either.

Anyone else feel the same? How do you cope? I feel like I've lost all lust for life and motivation and don't really know where my place is in the world.

thisjungianlife.com/episode-112-midlife-crisis-renewal-or-stagnation/

thisjungianlife.com/episode-138-spider-parents-finding-freedom-from-dependence/

it's a really big change, a huge identity crisis, but also a really normal / standard transition.

Didn't want to read and run as even with three kids in my mid 40's I feel the same sadness as I love family life.

I understand what you mean that you are in between ages but for example you say you are in a low paying job - have you thought of retraining so you can aim for a higher paying one?

If the two of you are close, the holidays are long and he will still be home for large amounts of time

Family life doesn't end when your ds goes to college. It just changes. I found my ds came home a lot of weekends so there was loads of chat to catch up on as he was very excited about all the new experiences. Then he loved home cooked meals after surviving on his own fairly basic cooking. The first Summer he got a job near home so was around for months. Also he brought home college friends so the house was buzzing.
This doesn't all happen in one day. It's a gradual moving away and you gradually get used to it and begin to change your own life.
To be honest the lockdown had been far tougher as he can't come home at all from his job.
Begin to make small changes now. You are so young. Life has so much to offer you yet.
It is a big change but you have done a great job rearing him at such a young age but there is more to come.
Remember he will be such good company as he matures and will add a whole new dimension to your family life.

My DC Uni is 6 hours away so don't think there will be many weekend visits for starters

Thank you for your lovely replies. That's a nice way to think about it, when he's home at the holidays etc.

Everyone keeps saying to me about career progression retraining etc, but I just don't have the passion for that at the moment, maybe I'll feel differently when he's gone to uni. I do have a degree, I went to uni when my son was a toddler. I've looked at courses to maybe retrain but the fees are so expensive and I still have my student loan from when I went to uni.

I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere in society I feel too old for the things I could be doing now that my son has more independence and too young to be finished family life. I know age is just a number and I'm being silly, but it's how I feel. I just really feel lost.

Just to make very clear my son has no idea I feel this way I am very supportive and excited for him to go to uni.

I think the problem is I don't know what I want to do, I am in a okay paid job and at mid management level, I've been there a while and where I'm comfortable I'm not particularly happy there, but then I don't think many people are happy at work

My partner is very laid back, he feels like things will move forward when the times right and no need to push them, hasn't decided if he wants children or not and seems to think once he decides it'll happen if it's meant to, isn't particularly bothered about being married or not.

I guess when my son was young I always thought I'd be settled down with some more children by the time he went off to uni and now that the times here and I'm not I'm a bit like ok what now?

I'm sure it'll be fine and I'll get used to it and feel okay but it's comforting hearing other people's experiences.

My mum was that age when I went to uni but I have younger siblings.
Your partner might be good enough but is he really what you want. Do you want someone in your life more? A future with someone? Do you want more dc?
If you are so so about your work then think about how you can improve relationship wise

You need to fill your glass half up, not look at it as empty!

This is fabulous opportunity for you, a fresh start . Your age is an advantage. As you say most empty nesters are in their 50’s when it really is more difficult to start all over again, when marriages that have been held together by family life come into sharp relief when there’s no other focus.

You are still young enough to start a family with someone new. If your current relationship isn’t going anywhere why not break free and find someone who can keep you company in your adventures. Discuss with your current employer how you can move upwards and/or get your cv into some websites and see if any new opportunities are out there.

Honestly I’m envious of your future (51 year old empty nester,)

Well, if being mum is a central part of your identity, have you considered fostering as a career?

When my eldest son went to uni I felt bereft (and I had 3 younger DC at home!) it was such a shock. Gradually though I got used to it and it was surprising how quickly the holidays came round. I work part-time and volunteer so that helps fill up the time - my youngest is due to go in September and I’m feeling OK about it.

Aw thanks everyone this really helped I'm so glad I posted. It's just so nice to hear I'm not the only one!

I had considered fostering but my house is tiny and only 2 bedrooms and obviously I'll be keeping my sons bedroom for him while he's still at uni but it might be something I do in the future.

I am busy I do work full time have a partner and lots of close friends so it's not like I'm stuck for things to keep me busy but I don't know it some how feels empty.

I'm feeling better since posting and reading all your replies thank you

That is good op. Maybe once covid had lifted a bit more different activities might open up for us all (I have Young dc but feel a bit empty at times as it's just work and home without much social outlet)
A decent hobby/sport or sideline might just so the trick.

I would start with meeting some new people. This could either be through a hobby, evening class or meet up.

Don't let your partner dictate the pace, especially if you want more children.

What about planning a holiday?

I hope you find that when he goes it's not as bad as you fear.

My sister went through this last year but was ok after the first month or so. Must be very strange to get used to.

@popstessy
I have just come across this post and I am wondering how are you feeling now? Have things got better? I am in a similar situation except quite a lot older( nearly50). My daughter, my best friend has announced she will move out. Not a huge surprise, she is soon to be 21 and has a stable job and a good head on her shoulders. I have tried to prepare myself for this moment but right now I feel so incredibly sad and broken-hearted. I have a decent job and recently starting volunteering but the thought of her not being here under the same roof it's unbearable. It's great to hear things will get better but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I am looking at the positives such as, for now she will still be in my same city, she will learn valuable life skills etc. But we "grew up" together and together faced a few challenges, a part of me is broken and It can't be repaired. Sorry if this sounds over emotional. Is just a difficult time as I think she will probably leave next month.
I also have a long distance partner so I am pretty much on my own with family away too.

Same here. Only DC about to start uni on the other side of the world. Can’t even go with them to settle them in because of COVID restrictions. Big gulp.

This resonates with me as DS (23) moved out when he was 21 and now I just have DD (15) at home.
When she was under 13, I used to really worry about empty nest syndrome.
So I should be thankful that she has, for the last 2 years, been so horrid to me that I now no longer fear it
You are much younger than me so could you take advantage of having more time maybe to an evening course?

I am very new to the website and just about coming to term with all the acronyms :)
Its good to share the experiences and knowing I am not alone, I am sure we will all get there.
@Snowjive2 You must be very proud of DC for managing to enrole to an international uni! it will be an amazing experience and hopefully with Covid easing you will be going too.
@MumofSpudpud you made me smile :) i wonder if you will change your mind once the grumpy teenager years are over?
on my part I am already " training" for not having my daughter all the time. She is now working in hospitality and very often out in the evening. But it will be very different and I will just have to get used to it.

I definitely thought I would not suffer with empty nest syndrome but I have had a few wobbles (tears out of no where). Im guessing it's knowledging that you have effectively spent 18/19 years where your child(ren) has been such a large and important aspect of your life.

I was looking forward to not having to juggle work and having more freedom but I am feeling a big hole in my life .. Although incredibly happy to see my daughter growing into a wonderful young lady.

I'm honestly not feeling better, the time is almost upon us, I am incredibly proud of him and absolutely want the best for him and want him to be happy. Everyone keeps suggesting hobbies and courses but I have hobbies and friends and work it's not like I have no life without him, but it's the huge hole that will be left when he's moved out. It's more having him in the house that I'm going to miss so much.

I still feel a little lost really, but it'll be all fine I know it will it has to be and it's all part of them growing up and it's a positive thing that he's going. I just can't believe how fast it has happened and came around.

Just spotted this thread and it reminded me of how I felt at this stage with our younger son.
It may sound twee but 2 of the most important things a parent can give a child are roots to grow and wings to fly. You've done that and you can be proud of yourself as well as your son.
You're moving into a new phase of parenting where you can see the independent adult you have helped to nurture emerge. There will be a shift in your relationship but you've given him a good foundation on which to build his adult life.

This post could have been written by me! My eldest DS (21) has just left for his final year and my youngest DC (18) leaves for uni tomorrow 😢 I’m early 40s live alone although have a partner, I work full time and have a small friend circle. I feel utterly lost…I’ve been applying for new jobs in completely different fields as I feel I need a new challenge and something to really immerse myself in but no luck so far. This nest is almost empty and it’s heartbreaking 😔

Also to add, my children know nothing of my feelings. Game face is fully on, excitement, pride and enthusiasm is all they’ve received from me, I would never project these feelings onto them.

Sending you a virtual hug, I'm the same nothing but pride and encouragement from me too BUT I really don't want him to go (I do as I want what's best for him and for him to be happy) but also just feel it's too soon and I'd love him to be living at home a bit longer. It's really tough isn't it

Thank you, the roots to grow and wings to fly comment made me tear up 😢 I'm so proud of him I really really am, it's just a tough time right now

Sending everyone virtual hugs

My middle son left last Sunday and youngest DS leaves this Sunday - I’m alternating between feeling fine and excited for him, to suddenly getting tearful. I haven’t let him know, of course

I’ve started reading this which is helping (on kindle so only £3.99)

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B0052RMN6A?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I've just sent DS off to second year University (first year wasn't really "moving out" because of Covid). I'm early forties and not sad at my empty nest as having DCs young meant I missed out on early "couple time" with DH. Now looking forward to weekends away with DH, meals for two, travelling to far-flung places (once things open up again), and having house/head space for hobbies such as sewing and art.
DS is definitely ready for this new stage of his life, we've spent years teaching him the skills he needs to live independently. Parenting is a job where the whole point is to make yourself redundant. If they reach majority and don't need you to parent them any more then you've done it right!