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Higher education

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Original poster

Feeling guilty for giving my daughter's room away when she went to uni

32 replies

mummaontheedge · 20/01/2021 15:54

I'm feeling terrible today. When my eldest dd went to uni, I let my 14yo trans son move into her room so that he no longer had to share with his 12yo sister.

We have a 3 bed, quite small, house and my eldest ds (22)has the dining room as his room.

Now I'm feeling like I've pushed my eldest dd out of her home! At Christmas she shared with her 12yo sister; it wasn't ideal but it was ok, she didn't have much room to study.

We don't see her much as she's 200 miles away, so I really want her to be able to come home for holidays. I don't know how to arrange things so that she'll feel welcome and have space to study.

Does anyone have any thoughts or experience of this?

Thanks x

OP posts:
titchy · 20/01/2021 16:03

Well yes you did push her out didn't you. She should be able to go back to whatever was her room before she left. While she's away one of the other two can use her room, but has to vacate when she's back. (Not sure why you had to reference a trans son btw - it's hardly relevant.) Woke points for a new poster? Hmm

BorisandHarriet · 20/01/2021 16:09

I’m assuming the OP mentioned the son being trans as he was previously a daughter who was happy to share with his sister. When he identified as male he no longer felt comfortable sharing with a girl. Or vice versa.

DodoPatrol · 20/01/2021 16:09

Presumably she referenced the child as trans to stop people asking why her 14 yr old son had previously been sharing with a 12 yr old sister, as that’s a pretty unusual arrangement,whereas two little girls sharing is normal.

Ignoring that: yes, it makes sense for the younger ones to have a bedroom each while the oldest is away!

BornIn78 · 20/01/2021 16:15

Four children plus yourself in a 3 bedroom house was always going to be a squeeze.

Why can’t your trans son can go back in with the 12 year old when your DD is home?

I can see the sense in not having a bedroom sitting empty while she’s away at uni, but I think it should be hers when she comes back, especially if she needs the space and quiet to study.

Current set up does seem quite unwelcoming and like she’s a house guest. You may find her coming home less often.

lavendervay · 20/01/2021 16:15

You'll get loads of responses on here telling you that you were wrong. But - your DD moved out. She is renting another property. In real life, this is what happens when an adult child goes off to uni. When I went to uni my little brother immediately moved into my double room.

CorianderBee · 20/01/2021 16:20

I don't think you did anything wrong. She moved out and so the kids there for more of the time (in normal circs) get the space.

CorianderBee · 20/01/2021 16:21

@BornIn78

Four children plus yourself in a 3 bedroom house was always going to be a squeeze.

Why can’t your trans son can go back in with the 12 year old when your DD is home?

I can see the sense in not having a bedroom sitting empty while she’s away at uni, but I think it should be hers when she comes back, especially if she needs the space and quiet to study.

Current set up does seem quite unwelcoming and like she’s a house guest. You may find her coming home less often.

Presumably because he now identifies as a boy. And doesn't want to share with a little girl.
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 20/01/2021 16:21

She hasn't really moved out though. Lots of uni rentals are not for the whole year. Some halls rent out the rooms over the holidays as students are expected to leave - so this might depend on the rental agreement the OPs DD has signed.
Have you asked her how she feels about sharing with her sister over the holidays - they should share the larger room if this is going to continue. Can she study in your room?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 20/01/2021 16:21

Is it possible to put up a stud wall as a partition?

motheroreily · 20/01/2021 16:24

I don't think you did anything wrong. Your son and daughter needed separate rooms. It makes more sense than keeping a room empty when your older daughter is away. Can you make any changes so it's easier when she does visit?

BornIn78 · 20/01/2021 16:26

Presumably because he now identifies as a boy. And doesn't want to share with a little girl.

Then he can share with the brother in the dining room.

CorianderBee · 20/01/2021 16:27

@BornIn78

Presumably because he now identifies as a boy. And doesn't want to share with a little girl.

Then he can share with the brother in the dining room.

His 22 year old step brother who won't want to share with a female bodied 14year old even if he identifies as male.
Meredithgrey1 · 20/01/2021 16:28

It would have been really unreasonable to have a room sitting empty the majority of the time while other children (regardless of whether they are the same gender or not) had to share.

Musicaltheatremum · 20/01/2021 16:28

My brother got my room when I left home to go to uni. I got his small one. It was fine. Didn't feel pushed out. It was sensible

TinCanCollector · 20/01/2021 16:29

It’s not their step brother? It’s their brother.

Physer · 20/01/2021 16:30

My two have left uni now but I never saw their time there as "leaving home". The holidays are long and they were away at least 30 weeks out of 52, not to mention the odd weekend visit. Then after graduation they came back to live for a year or so until they found jobs away from home.
So you will have this problem for years to come.

You are using the dining room as a bedroom? That means effectively 4 bedrooms and 4 children?
Could you move around so that DD has the smallest room as she is not there all the time? Two youngest sharing?

Whatthebloodyell · 20/01/2021 16:31

Of course her room was given to a younger sibling! Trans or not, the two youngest had to share for years, it seems bonkers to me that they should continue to share once the eldest had moved to uni. My sister moved into my bigger room the week I went to uni. I’d rather have kept my room at home, but I was away studying/having fun, and she was still at home, so It never occurred to me to feel hard done by. In an ideal world she would have a room of her own to come home to, but you don’t have the luxury to be able to offer that and I’m sure she understands. I don’t think it would be fair to kick your son of out his new room every time she comes home, so the only real solution is to keep an extra bed in your youngest daughters room. If she needs quiet during the day to study then she might need to use your bedroom for that? But I used to go to the town library to study when I came home
from Uni.

Oreservoir · 20/01/2021 16:32

Surely the dc living at home should have the rooms.
You’ve done nothing wrong.
Your dd has her own room at uni and only shares occasionally.
I’m in my 60’s, never had my own room.
Shared until I married and shared since.
I don’t have any problems because of this.

Pumpertrumper · 20/01/2021 16:37

If every child doesn’t have their own room then surely no child is ‘entitled’ to their own room?

I never understand why entitlement to bedrooms seems to be allocate based on order of birth?!?! Getting there first doesn’t mean ‘Well done you win privacy’.
Once a child is 11+ they have equal need for their own space it doesn’t matter whether they’re 14 or 19 why should one get their own room and the other be forced to share?

A non resident child is less entitled to a bedroom than a resident child. Your DD has a bedroom at uni so if you keep a room at home for her too then she has 2 bedrooms to herself whilst her siblings have to share one!

PeanutButterFalcon · 20/01/2021 16:39

My DM always gave whoever was sharing the empty room when someone moved out (large family lots of sharing rooms). when we’d go back we knew we’d have to share. I don’t think you have done anything wrong.

However, have you spoken to DD about it and made sure she knows she’s always welcome? If she’s found it difficult then explain why it has happened and she will understand

titchy · 20/01/2021 16:42

Presumably because he now identifies as a boy. And doesn't want to share with a little girl.

They are the same sex, same sex siblings have to share! I'm sure there are plenty of things neither kid wants or doesn't want and has to put up with but that's life.

(I wonder if the desire to be a boy coincides with the opportunity to inhabit a newly empty room?!)

GlowingOrb · 20/01/2021 16:45

I lost my room when I went to uni. It was completely fair. My younger sister got the bigger room. I went into her smaller room.

The difference of course is that I still had my own space, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have to share either.

CorianderBee · 20/01/2021 16:49

@titchy

Presumably because he now identifies as a boy. And doesn't want to share with a little girl.

They are the same sex, same sex siblings have to share! I'm sure there are plenty of things neither kid wants or doesn't want and has to put up with but that's life.

(I wonder if the desire to be a boy coincides with the opportunity to inhabit a newly empty room?!)

But why should he share and not his elder sister who no longer lives there full time like he does?
CorianderBee · 20/01/2021 16:49

@TinCanCollector

It’s not their step brother? It’s their brother.
Sorry I misread that but, but still no 22yo should share with a young teen with a female body.
CorianderBee · 20/01/2021 16:50

@Physer

My two have left uni now but I never saw their time there as "leaving home". The holidays are long and they were away at least 30 weeks out of 52, not to mention the odd weekend visit. Then after graduation they came back to live for a year or so until they found jobs away from home. So you will have this problem for years to come.

You are using the dining room as a bedroom? That means effectively 4 bedrooms and 4 children?
Could you move around so that DD has the smallest room as she is not there all the time? Two youngest sharing?

You forgot.

4 bedrooms and 4 children but also mum has to sleep somewhere...