Feeling guilty for giving my daughter's room away when she went to uni

[mummaontheedge]

I'm feeling terrible today. When my eldest dd went to uni, I let my 14yo trans son move into her room so that he no longer had to share with his 12yo sister.

We have a 3 bed, quite small, house and my eldest ds (22)has the dining room as his room.

Now I'm feeling like I've pushed my eldest dd out of her home! At Christmas she shared with her 12yo sister; it wasn't ideal but it was ok, she didn't have much room to study.

We don't see her much as she's 200 miles away, so I really want her to be able to come home for holidays. I don't know how to arrange things so that she'll feel welcome and have space to study.

Does anyone have any thoughts or experience of this?

Thanks x

Why couldn't your 12 year old share with your other son? I feel really sorry for your eldest daughter, its still her home!

Your tomboy daughter could be told to get over herself and share with her sister.
Not every teenage fad has to be indulged by parents!

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. Of yourself your eldest dd needs to feel that she has a home to come back to. But you have to consider the resources you have for all children. That's what you've done. Youve done a great job. Assuming you'll communicate this sensitively to your dd, try not to worry. It's never going to be perfect.

Growing up I knew when I left to go to uni I would lose my own room and have to share whenI came home it was only fair, I had had my turn on my own it was my sisters turn, not to have to share.

You haven't driven her out she still has a bedroom in the home she also has a bedroom elsewhere, it would be unfair on your younger children who would always have to share .

Ask her if there is anything that would make it more comfortable and then leave it, this is the new normal.

But why should he share and not his elder sister who no longer lives there full time like he does?

I agree the 14 year old should occupy the older ones room while she's at uni - no point having an empty room! But I think that should only be an arrangement while the older one is away - when she's back the younger two go back to sharing.

I think what you've done is fine and makes sense.

A study bed might work well for the 12 year old's room so that the eldest has a bed and a desk when she's home.

I would expect her to travel and maybe do internships or stay at a boyfriend's place for some of the university holidays so I don't think it's a problem not to have a dedicated room for her

The only thing you can really do is try and split one of the bigger rooms , be it the shared room or the dining room so that everyone has their own albeit small space , even if that means everyone moving around again .