Is anyone planning on NOT accompanying their DC to university?

[NotEnoughTime]

Could I have your thoughts and opinions on this please?

[KenDodd]

All your tales of farewells sound lovely, as a parent it makes me want to go and share that time. But, at the same time I really don't want to go because I don't want to mollycoddle them, 18/19 is a fully grown adult whether we, as a parent, like it or not. They should be capable of doing all this themselves, I know, if I do go, I absolutely definitely won't be making their bed when they get there.

[Megan2018]

@FloraGreysteel were you in catered halls?
There’s no way I could have carried all my clothes, towels, duvet, pillows, bedding, kitchen equipment etc etc
We filled the large family car!

[Greenpop21]

My DD was in catered halls last year but still we filled the car. Duvet, pillows, throw, cushions, towels, dressing gown, ALL her clothes, all her stationary, toiletries, clothes dryer, cups for her room, coffee, tea supplies etc.

[Greenpop21]

@KenDodd your DC would probably be the only one alone.

[bpisok]

I think most DC will want help taking their stuff and help unpacking
And they will want us there to say goodbye to.

Yes, I am def going and I will def cry - she would expect nothing less of me hahaha

It doesn't mean I don't want her to go and she knows that.

[Greenpop21]

We helped unpack a few things and I made up her bed but left her with her clothes to put away. We met another girl and her family who had arrived before us, said hi to a couple of other students then as soon asDD started chatting to those on her floor we knew it was time to leave her to it. There were things planned for them in college to get them mixing.We were with her about an hour.

[HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime]

If you have a long journey (7 hour journey) like we did hiring a van is worthwhile and not that expensive. That way you can put everything in the back and travel in comfort. That's what we did my first year, my second year my Dad surrendered his licence due to a medical problem so I flew. With one suitcase and as I said upthread reserved the basics I needed at the local argos and picked them up when I got there. Uni halls were very understanding and allowed me to store bulky items in a spare room over summer as they also do for international students. So it's not necessary to take a giant car full with you.

[ITonyah]

What do you think will happen to your dcs if you help them move in ken? Making their bed on their first day away from home isn't going to make them catch helplessness 😂😂

[Eve]

My mum and dad did it for me in the 80s as did lots of other parents in my halls.

I did it with Ds1 and I will with DS2.

[dahliaaa]

I find all the 'they're adults let them get on with it' posts on Mumsnet slightly bizarre.

Having support from family / friends as an adult doesn't make you weak or useless. It can be empowering.

My (very definitely grown up) sister is in her late 40's but if she was going through a life changing situation I might go along to cheer her on. It wouldn't render her incapable.

[ITonyah]

I don't know anyone like it in RL. If dd knew one of her friends was doing everything by herself we would assume either a rift between parents and child or parents just lazy bastards. Or perhaps parents who aren't interested in uni as a thing amd don't understand how it works! But clearly there are others who see it as a badge of weakness for teens to have their parents there!

[titchy]

They should be capable of doing all this themselves,

I'm sure they all are But it's nice to have some parental support you know. Will you refuse to help your adult children move house when they're 35 married with two kids?

[RedRec]

Nothing on earth would have stopped me from driving my son to university when he went for the first time and he genuinely appreciated it. Will do exactly the same for second year and beyond.
I even did the cringey 'car boot open showing all the stuff inside' photo, and duly posted it to facebook.

[BackforGood]

Exactly dahliaaa

I too, was wondering that ITonyah.

As I said before. I am an adult old enough to have 3adult dc - the youngest of whom hopes to start University in September. I still appreciate having someone alongside me at important times of my life. Sadly I don't have parents anymore, but my dh, or sister, or a friend. I have been that 'supportive friend' to many other adults at all sorts of times over the year, to many, many people who are decades older than 18/19.

I really don't see what you are worried about what is going to happen to your dc if you do the same as every other parent, and accompany them as they move away from home for the first time

[SnuggyBuggy]

Also don't adults sometimes help each other when moving?

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

I'd pity anyone who said they weren't dropping their DC off as they thought that was mollycoddling or similar. What a way to view relationships.

[spottedelk]

Thinking it over, I definitely won't be taking DC. It would be madness to spend 20 hours driving just to spend 30 minutes there. Train plus courier makes so much more sense. But 2nd choice uni is closer. Would probably go there together by train. I see taking your DC as nice but not essential.

[Witchend]

@NotEnoughTime
Dd is at Durham, and dh took her up the first time. I had 2 other younger dc at home/school so it didn't make sense for both of us to go a 6 hour journey there (and then back again) leaving the other two to fend for themselves for over 12 hours.
The only thing was she did apparently get tearful that I might not see her room.

What we did do was rent a house just outside Durham over the February half term and all stayed there, so I did see her room over the year and I think that made more sense than us all going on that long journey. (and there was then also more room in the car, which as she was at a self catering college, that was needed!)

[RedskyAtnight]

My parents didn't take me to university.

This was in the 90s but it still rankles. Everyone else was dropped off by parents, who helped them get their belongings to their bedrooms and many then went out and bought things like groceries or extra odds and ends that they'd assumed would be provided but weren't.
Meanwhile I had to lug all my belongings the mile (well it felt like it) from the entrance of halls to my room.

I realise times have changed, but be very careful about your reasons for not going. No matter how my parents chose to explain their reasons they still sound like "we couldn't be bothered".

[yearinyearout]

In all the times that I've helped my two move, I don't remember any of their flat mates turning up alone.

We dropped stuff off, took them to get a trolley load of shopping (where we bumped into dozens of other parents doing the same) then took them out for lunch before leaving them to it (where we also saw loads of families doing the same). Funnily enough they've both turned into very capable young adults so it didn't do them any harm.

[KenDodd]

Nothing on earth would have stopped me from driving my son to university when he went for the first time

What if he wanted to do it himself without you?

[tinkywinkyshandbag]

Hi my DD is also hoping to go to Durham in Sept, and it's a 5 hour drive for us too. We will definitely be taking her and will probably try and stay in an Airbnb or something to break the journey. I'm sure we'll both make fools of ourselves (DH is soppier than me) but I'm sure everyone else will be too!

[Fifthtimelucky]

When I went (1979) I went by myself on the train. It was a difficult journey with lots of luggage because I had to get a bus 20 miles, then a train to London, then a tube, and then another train. Fortunately the university organised minibuses to collect people from the station as it wasn't within walking distance of the station.

Most people were taken by parents, and some drove themselves, but I wasn't unusual in going alone.

Dad did collect me at the end of the first year, as by then I had accumulated so much stuff that I couldn't have done it one one trip. He also took me at the beginning and end of every other year.

Except in her third year, my older daughter had to move out of her room at the end of every term, so I had to drive there and back 6 times a year. She was a music student with lots of instruments so couldn't possibly have done it by train.

[ITonyah]

What if he wanted to do it himself without you? then I'd ask him if he'd sorted somewhere to keep his car for the term.

[SpringFan]

One or both parents took DC to Uni each time, both were about a 3 hour drive.
It was a good job. When DS1 and house mates turned up at their 2nd year house the previous tenants had literally left at 10pm the night before and it was a tip. Content of fridge growing mould, dirty dishes everywhere floor, sink etc., filthy mattresses. Several parents were on to the Letting agent PDQ. They had 5 cleaners in for 2 days to sort it out, new carpet, new matresses.
DH was with him then, and said the mothers gave the agent a very hard time. They had taken on the property from another agent and were refused access to check it.
DS2 had problems with his 3rd year house and a couple of students led those discussions with parents in the background. It some ways that was more serious as it involved a condemned gas appliance. I explained the follow up actions with ds2 but he followed up himself.