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Higher education

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Original poster

Girlfriends/Boyfriends staying over when they are home from Uni

36 replies

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 21:31

What are people's thoughts?

DS is 18 living away in halls and now has a girlfriend who is either 18 or I think maybe not quite.

They met at Uni and they are both home for the holidays but she lives maybe about a 30 minute drive away, pretty awkward by public transport though. he drives and she doesn't.

I've taken the view that when they are away, i've no doubt that they will be spending the night together but haven't asked outright as it's not really my business. He knows about proper consent and safe sex.

I don't have a problem with her staying the night here if she wants to but so far DS has driven her home even in the early hours.

He is staying at her parents house after visiting for a meal and he mentioned they've cleared out the spare room for him. Fair enough, it's up to them what they allow in their home and I've told him to respect that.

So, am I being too lenient - even though technically it's not come to that yet?

I guess I really can't face clearing out the spare room at this point...

OP posts:
MillicentMartha · 01/01/2020 21:43

My take was that I know they will be sleeping together at uni, I did the same. So long as they are being safe, it’s none of my business. I don’t object for moral reasons, I’m not religious. It might be a bit awkward, but as long as they respect the rest of the household and aren’t ‘noisy’ it’s fine by me.

Serin · 01/01/2020 21:45

We have concluded that if our 3 bring home guests then we will assume they intend to sleep in the same room as they undoubtedly do at uni.
However the situation hasn't arisen yet and even though DD is 22 she has never allowed her BF to stay over at our home.
To be honest I'm more concerned that they get home safely than where they are cuddling up.

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 21:49

That's my view too. I'm more concerned that DS is out in the early hours in sometimes frosty conditions on country roads driving her home and then driving back himself. He's had his licence for nearly a year and i do trust his driving but he's obviously only driving when he's home so he's not mega experienced and there are idiots out on the road. It's only a small city type car as well.

I'd rather they both just stayed over wherever they are. DS has a double bed which they can share but no-one is forcing them to have sex if they don't want to.

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AuntieStella · 01/01/2020 21:56

I ask if the GF will be staying over, and if so, whether I need to make another bed up.

I tend to assume that any GF they see during the holidays, they will be sleeping with in term time.

First sleeping-with visitor is time for most comprehensive (but also last) lecture on contraception, consent and general sexual etiquette

I had always thought I would go down the 'put them in separate rooms but ignore nocturnal perambulations' route. But first such visit came at short notice and I just CBA to sort the guest room out

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:02

Seems my views are pretty normal then. My DFriend who has one boy and one girl (both adults and older than mine) neither were away at uni but both have steady partners. The DS has been allowed to have his GF stay over but the DD has never been allowed to have her BF stay over Hmm. She is allowed to stay over at her boyfriends without a word being said. I think that is quite bizarre but wondered if it's just because I only have boys.

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Weenurse · 01/01/2020 22:03

Boyfriend stayed in the spare room for first 12 months.
I got sick of washing the sheets. When DD turned 18 I broached boyfriend staying in DD’s room with DH. He said no but wanted DM opinion.
DM’s opinion was that they were in a long term, committed relationship so why not share a room.
DH gave in after this.
Safe sex talk had long ago.

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:04

Auntie Stella, I guess i had similar planned in my head, I expected it to be more a case of being asked if a friend could come home for the weekend and me inquiring as to whether the friends would be staying in their room or did a bed need to be made up elsewhere. I didn't expect him to meet someone who's home town was so close (and yet so far) to ours.

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ListeningQuietly · 01/01/2020 22:06

Airbeds and sleeping bags in rooms are a simple method.
Do not care if they are used or not
but safer than driving around late at night.

Take the same view with parties - sleeping over is safer than driving
and once they are over 17 its up to them what they do

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:06

Who's DM @Weenurse? The girlfriend's, yours or your DH's?

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Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:07

yep, airbed and sleeping bag a good call, they can do what they like then.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:09

They are due back at Uni next week anyway so guess there aren't many opportunities left. Thinking of inviting her here for a meal at the weekend but it's hard because they don't have much time at home so I don't like monopolising the time she might want to spend with her family.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 01/01/2020 22:09

Once they have left home, as long as it's a regular relationship and not a one night stand, they should be allowed to have their boyfriend or girlfriend sleep in their room IMO.

ListeningQuietly · 01/01/2020 22:11

The airbed method also covers all permutations of friend

and if its a party / house full, more than one can fit on a floor

it leaves the decision up to them and puts them under no pressure either way

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:12

Yep, although it's obviously still very early days, it's not like it's someone they've picked up at a club. Wouldn't be happy with random girls being brought home. She seems like a lovely girl from the little i've seen :)

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Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:13

agree re the airbed, he only has room for one single airbed right next to the bed but that's fine.

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Somerville · 01/01/2020 22:17

They haven’t been together very long (less than one term?), you don’t actually know that they’re sexually actively together at uni, and the girl is perhaps only 17? So offering her a solo bed seems much more sensible. Especially if she isn’t an adult and now that you know her parents would rather they didn’t share a bed. At the very least, quietly (not in front of DS) offering her the choice.

Even if they are sleeping together at uni, that doesn’t mean they’re accustomed to sharing a bed overnight or that the girl will be comfortable with doing so. I heard one of my DD’s friends (same age and stage) saying recently that she felt v awkward when her boyfriend wanted to stay over when she had her period, for example.

You really don’t need to sort out a guest room. Girlfriend can be offered your son’s bed and he can go on the sofa. That’s what we do, as we don’t have a spare bedroom.

Schoolinfoplease2020 · 01/01/2020 22:18

You all sound so lovely!

My parents wouldn’t let my siblings and their partners sleep together at home even when they LIVED together Confused

Hope I’m more open minded when mine are older.

ListeningQuietly · 01/01/2020 22:22

Schoolinfo
My parents made me stay in a different room from my boyfriend even after we'd bought our first house.

Kids at Uni now lead very different lives and I've found that leaving the sleeping decisions entirely up to them gives the least stress.

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:23

I'll suss him out when he gets back tomorrow. I don't think it's really going to be an issue this term I suppose as they will be travelling back at the weekend so only a couple of days away.

he can't sleep on our sofas as they are very small 2 seaters and he's 6'3". He can sleep on an airbed in the living room or family room downstairs. Can't honestly face the spare room. He moved out it when he was about 10, left his bunk beds and toys and we've then just used it as a dumping ground.

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Somerville · 01/01/2020 22:34

Air bed is fine then. Either on bedroom floor or downstairs.
My parents were very strict and no bed sharing even when I was engaged! But my boyfriend’s mother gave him/us no boundaries at all right from the start, which made me never want to stay there because it felt awkward. I didn’t want to have sex with him in his family home and I thought he might expect I would if we shared a bed, and then once we’d got past that discussion, I didn’t want his mum and teasing sibling to think we were shagging. Also I knew my parents would disapprove massively and potentially stop financially supporting me at uni.

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 22:46

That's quite sad Somerville. My DS2 is a lovely guy and a bit of a romantic. They've been upstairs in his room for hours on end with the door shut and I'm under no illusion that sex can only happen overnight so they may or may not have slept together. If I knew she was definitely 18 is feel more relaxed but I know she has a birthday soon so could be either turning 18 or 19.

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ittooshallpass · 01/01/2020 23:10

Surely she's 18 if she's at uni?

Original poster
WaxOnFeckOff · 01/01/2020 23:20

Not necessarily, we are in Scotland. It's technically possible for her to be 16 but probably not.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 02/01/2020 00:57

My DM, who objected to us living together before we got married.
We did not live together.
DH thought she would object to BF in DD’s room because of above.
She shocked him with her response.

Weenurse · 02/01/2020 01:00

I think air bed and sleeping bag is a good idea

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