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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Possibly dropping out of Uni after 5weeks

28 replies

Monica53 · 27/10/2019 20:08

Hi
Anyone offer advice please!?..Our 18yr old is away at Uni..5th week and says they hate it! hate place and doeant get on with flatmates. We've suggested they speak to student support and tutor tomorrow, as it is still very early days. They refuse to listen or try to join groups. We're so frustrated..as they are not willing to keep an open mind or try anything!. Any advice most appreciated.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2019 20:09

How are they getting on with the course? Is it just the social side that’s a problem?

Sometimes it’s possible to move into halls when other people drop out.

FreedaDonkey · 27/10/2019 20:09

Would they consider a flat move? Different housemates can make a huge difference.

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2019 20:10

How far away is it? Could they move home and commute?

bluetue · 27/10/2019 20:14

If they aren't happy then support their decision to come home. As suggested could they transfer to a closer uni and commute from home? The experience really isn't for everyone. In all honesty dropping out of uni was the best decision I ever made.

OtraCosaMariposa · 27/10/2019 20:16

Why are you being so coy about your child's sex? He or she.

My mental health took a real battering in my first year at Uni. My parents were all "oh just join groups, it'll get better, it's character building". It really wasn't. It was crap and I was miserable. Ended up dropping out and reapplying to a uni in my home town for the following autumn and it was much better.

Original poster
Monica53 · 27/10/2019 20:18

We live 300 miles away..suggested possibly moving halls..though was informed by them no!!.. Course is ok we think.. they just say hate it..and they seem to spend most of time in room.even though we've suggested be proactive and get flatmates together via the group chat they have. We were told no!..as they hate each.other! Really? after 4/5weeks?. So we're really frustrated as they refuse any suggestions so no idea what next step., other than they need to talk.to student support!?. Thank.you for any further advice/suggestions x

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 27/10/2019 20:21

The thing is, dropping out isn't what dropping out used to be. Debts can be and are legally incurred these days.

It's much better to try to find an in-uni solution, e.g. (as suggested by pp) moving between flats or courses.

Alwayshangryhangry · 27/10/2019 20:22

I found uni to be a horrible experience. My fondest memory of my parents was when they said "if you want to come home, come home." I felt so trapped there, when they said that it was such a relief. I just took a year out and applied closer to home the following year. This suited me much better!

AutumnCrow · 27/10/2019 20:24

@Monica, who is saying what? Your DC or the university?

Did you suspect they would be fragile when they went so far away? Have they got an anxiety diagnosis for example? Student support will (in extremis) sometimes talk to parents where there are genuine concerns.

Original poster
Monica53 · 27/10/2019 20:29

@AutumnCrow it's our DC who is talking about leaving and we're suggesting they speak to student support. They have suffered from.anxiety in the past and had counselling in the past. Moving halls in our DC mind will not make any difference ! U sure what will transpire! Have states they need to talk to tutor tomorrow as priority. Also we are unsure if they drop out what happens with regards to student loan and course fees? Repaying etc. X

OP posts:
expat101 · 27/10/2019 20:33

Yup 5 weeks is about the time when it hits home that being at Uni is not a big party. Time to get on with doing their own washing, sorting out meals and the like. Decisions that generally speaking the student has left up to Parent until now.

Some make it through and some do not but sharing with the wrong people can be absolutely crappy and nasty. I touched on this before in the forum, there were a group of Girls in my Daughter's year who all started out house hunting together, with the silent intent between 4 of them that the 5th was going to be dropped at the last minute and they did. they continually picked on each other behind backs and it was downright awful what they did to each other.

If your child was mine, on Monday I would take myself to stay in the area for the week. Have a face to face chat with student over lunch/dinner at a cafe and suss out if it's just the social/sharing side of Uni life, or if Student has picked the wrong course. Nothing wrong with admitting that, then head off to student support or counsellor and look at alternatives together. But do it face to face.

At this stage your Uni (ours did) may offer a full fee refund, they acknowledge its a tough time and not for everyone. But ultimately it has to be Student's choice to stay. One of the things you could also discuss is what is their Plan B (which I presume Student has already thought of one and its not hanging around the house).

expat101 · 27/10/2019 20:34

Our Daughter's uni had a full refund policy within the first few weeks OP.

bigchris · 27/10/2019 20:39

Yes you need to go and talk to them in person, take them to student support if they will go with you

Ask them what they will do if/ when they drop out

It's their life don't forget , their decision

Original poster
Monica53 · 27/10/2019 20:39

@expat101
Thank you x..sadly we're unable to just upsticks and head down to.where they are.. we've discussed the options and said call student support tonight. Unsure if we as parents can get involved at this point regards student support!.. it's tough

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 27/10/2019 20:40

My DD has struggled at first and has found one of her flat mates unbearable. She’s just moved flats and I’m hoping this will make a difference.

AutumnCrow · 27/10/2019 20:44

This is so incredibly stressful for you OP, and your DC. Sympathies Flowers

But you all need to check now what the university's refund policy is, as you've got to be right on the cusp, if not just past it.

Will the DC give permission for you to talk to the university yourself, on their behalf?

Original poster
Monica53 · 27/10/2019 21:29

@AutumnCrow- feel sick with worry and DC doesn't want us to call anyone..so just hope they're ok.. right now my OH said get them to come home and get a job!.... Why oh why is so much importance put on going to Uni!!.

OP posts:
FreedaDonkey · 27/10/2019 22:06

If they aren't happy I would tell them to either stick it out til Christmas then reassess or come home, get a job and if they want to reapply next year.

expat101 · 27/10/2019 23:03

It doesn't stop there either @Monica53 later on towards the end of the course, they will go through all sorts of profiling/testing as part of interview processes. A handful of good businesses will give them their results, others they just won't hear from again. This all comes bang on final exams too. I think 2/3rds dropped out of DC course, with only a handful of those getting the prime positions on offer. This was all for a course we were told was in short supply of people.

How things can change in 3 years. DC said to me the other day via messenger she really hated Uni and pleased she is well out of the system. Maybe if she had been able to live at home it might have helped somewhat. At least avoid the housing issues.

Good luck.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/10/2019 23:31

Problem is, halls have to be paid for, for the whole year. And if DC drops out, they won't get their loan to pay the rent. So you'll be liable for it, assuming you are guarantor.
In some unis, this might not a problem if it's early days and there is a waiting list for halls. I would contact halls provider immediately and ask what the options are. Their response may influence how you then proceed.

user1487194234 · 28/10/2019 06:53

I hope this does not sound harsh ,but I would do whatever I had to do to get to where your child is and find out what is going on and what his options ar

RedRec · 28/10/2019 08:22

Monica, I have sent you a private message.

milliefiori · 28/10/2019 08:31

I feel for your DC. A friend's daughter had a similar experience. The flat system these days is so much less sociable than halls where everyone has a room but has to queue for bathrooms, share kitchens or eat in a refectory where they meet far more people. It's so isolating.

Really tough to know what to do. I think I'd try and insist they did four things before giving up: see counsellor to explain isolation and sadness, meet accommodation officer to explain about flatmate issue and discuss options for change, join a social group that does something they really enjoy and focus on their course. Ask them to do this and stick with it until the end of the first term as so many people have trouble settling in. If at Christmas they still absolutely hate it, then they have at least completed a term and may be able to carry any credits from that term through to another uni if they choose to go somewhere closer to home instead.

But part of the process of going to uni is learning how to be resilient and proactive and solving your own emotional and situational problems, so they should at least try to do that before giving up, otherwise they reinforce the message that they can't cope with life.

If they are experiencing genuine MH issues - anxiety or depression on a debilitating scale that's different. Then I'd go and collect them.

LIZS · 28/10/2019 08:43

Does dc have an allocated personal tutor? It may be they can signpost them to relevant support or help tease out the issue/s.

RomaineCalm · 28/10/2019 09:26

I've known a couple of students with similar experiences. One came home and reapplied to another university and course the following year and is very happy; the other has stuck it out but managed to spend as little time as possible actually at university and commuted for the final year.

Although our 18yr olds are technically adults, not all of them have the emotional resilience and practical 'coping skills' to deal with being on their own such a long way from home.

If you can't go there could DC come back for a long weekend to talk through options face-to-face and so encourage them to get support.

In your shoes I would probably give DC the option to drop out and.come home as long they make the enquiries regarding payment for accommodation and tuition fees, loans etc. It's likely that fees will be calculated by date of withdrawal so every additional week counts. If you are liable for accommodation costs for the remainder of the term/year I'd be clear that DC will be finding a job to contribute towards paying this back. As a PP says they should also get advice on applying for loans in the future should they go back to university.

You may find that having the element of choice helps DC to decide what they want to do.

Good luck, it sounds tough.