The ABC of university life (2019/20 cohort) - Will NewModelArmyMayhem18 forgive me?

[MrKlaw]

previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/3701968-The-ABC-of-university-life-2019-20-cohort-settling-in-we-hope

Hope you don't mind - people have pent up comments about cheese graters and traffic cones to get out of their system!

AtiaoftheJulii

Whoops!

I feel I need a chart to remember which DC are where!

Great news for your DS1 @Ingles2 and good to hear that Durham offers more affordable rent for low-income families.

@AtiaoftheJulii, oh no what's the matter? Sure your DS will appreciate a visit.

@ShrodingersKitty sometimes all the things they have to sort out as students can be overwhelming. And technology can make/break the experience of getting fully on board with university life, particularly with the work side of things. Hope he does get everything sorted out. as soon as possible.

I hope that things improve for some of your dc. Normally a down is following by better things and I think during down times we should absolutely intervene as parents. New model I too find that I have to stop and work out where all dc are. I now have one in a faraway town, one in a nearby town and two in different schools at the other end of my small town. I'm starting to realise why my mil invites all of her adult children to her house now and then.

Lol, thanks for all the flowers Oaty!
He's just not feeling settled, very low mood (which he struggled with back in y10, into y11, but has mostly been ok since then), missing lectures and getting worked up about that (although then watching them online), etc etc. He's a real homebody, doesn't even particularly like going on holiday, and I think he's just having a very hard time adjusting to the change.

Manchester do seem to have excellent support available, and he's emailed them, but hopefully today is going to get a friend to phone for him (he's been failing to ring them all week) and then should be able to get to see someone to talk to either today or Monday. I've been just getting more and more worried about him, so it's at least as much for my own sake as his.

That is really good about Durham giving a discount - I'm surprised they don't publicise this beforehand? I know I've read a thread here about someone's dc getting an offer from Durham, but at over 7K for accommodation, they didn't feel able to accept.

@juicy0 just remind me what halls your DD is in? Just wondering because DD keeps waking up with nose bleeds which I think is from the forced heat/too warm. She does have an individual radiator in her room which is off but flat still very hot i feel like we are cheating on the UEA thread

I think the affordability of halls would have been a consideration for many. It certainly was for us. DS doesn't get anywhere near the full maintenance loan, so he only considered accommodation options that he could fully pay from his loan sum.

Just place marking. Still not getting much contact from DS. He responded to a text yesterday that had been sent the previous day. Not like him to be quite so uncommunicative and I still don't know whether he has sorted out the issue with his bank card chip not working. I would be tempted to take the dog and go for a brief visit tomorrow if the weather forecast wasn't so dire. I just want to see that he is ok.

Atia, I hope you feel a bit better after seeing him & he gets the boost to make the call (sending you both a hug x).

Dd & a couple of friends are heading down to Falmouth to spend the weekend with my niece tomorrow. She’s such a long way from home that she’s not coming back until Christmas so it’ll be good to get an idea of how she is ... she does sound very happy though!

Hope all those who are struggling pick up soon.

It's hard to tell with dd, because she keeps her feeling to herself. She used to come to me and say "this happened which really upset me at school" and it would turn out to be 2 terms ago!
I think she's okay. She's messaging a few times a week which is nice, but not so much that it's making me worry.
And (currently) she seems to be enjoying cooking for herself. I suspect when she arrives home she'll be very thankful not to have to do that though!

Dd hasn't had a wobble yet but I am fully expecting that to come when she has to go back after Xmas. For both of us actually.

Got dd2 back from Liverpool last night. Shes loving it got on the competition dance squad and a part in a play. Ddog gave her a euphoric welcome!

I agree @Trewser I think going back after Christmas will be tough. After the high of catching up with friends and family over Christmas and none of the hype and anticipation of freshers to go back to I think a dip in mood for everyone concerned is to be expected.
I'm trying to plan something nice for February for us all to look forward to.

end of week three of actual study - 4 weeks since DS went. Probably try and catch up with him this weekend, he'll be fully into things and hopefully getting a feel for budget etc. Thinking about it October is a long month - 5 weeks and we're sending money over monthly so it'll take some adjusting

I think if we send little parcels down we'll send them recorded so we know when they arrive at the Uni - gives us an excuse to poke him

It's a real mixed back of ups and downs at the moment it seems. Hopefully they all settle in more in the next few weeks.

Speaking of money, we still need to pin things down with DS2 as I don't think he has a clue what he is spending and the whole point of us supporting him is so he doesn't come out with debt, but if he is going to do that anyway, I think I'd rather not be giving him money now and save it up instead. I'm aware that sounds controlling but we are not particularly well off, just generous.

So if anyone has any idea how much they think is a reasonable monthly spend I'd love to hear it.

Thinking of getting him to open a second bank account where we pay in his living expenses and he only uses that on a day to day basis. Maybe even taking out an amount per week initially and then just using cash?

I don't want him burning through his savings and loan without being aware that he is doing it or what it's gone on.

Currently he has his phone paid by us and I'm giving him £250 a month. I'm also doing a £50-60 shop about once a month, I refunded him his train ticket home, gave him £40 when he was here and gave him £50 while he was waiting on his bank card. So, he's been away 6 weeks and has had the best part of £700 not counting the extra cash we gave him when he left. No idea how much he's spent though

Scuse the auto correct errors...

Like Witchend, it’s difficult getting a real feel for how DS is getting on as he is quite introverted. He hasn’t complained about anything and everything seems to be ‘fine’ 🤷🏾‍♀️, except I know he’s found a barbers and didn’t like his haircut. They’ve been put into teams for some coursework but no feel for how he’s finding the group work dynamics. There’s been absolutely no mention of money or how he’s budgeting but since we pay him monthly I can only assume he’s fine. I think he’s made some friends as he mentioned 5 of them went to pub together last weekend. I can tell you now, 5 people in DS’s world Is A LOT! So naturally i’m delighted. I wonder how all the other introverted ds’s are getting on?

I’m kind of regretting agreeing to part catered Accomodation because it seems he is not eating the one meal a day provided. I knew this could happen which is why full catering was not on our radar at all but I felt one meal a day provided would be the best of both worlds. It’s only Mon-fri evenings so he still gets to cook in the afternoon and all. Weekend but it seems from the few conversations, the catered meals are awful.

Right now DS2 nagging incessantly for me to look at league tables with him, entry grades, etc etc so different from DS1, so let the ‘backpacking’ begin.

@WaxOnFeckOff, I think it's hard to judge a monthly spend because they all do different amounts/types of socialising, etc.
I think DD spends about £60 on cooking but then more on going out

Sorry to hear of DCs struggling/low - it is very worrying as a parent. I think both of mine are OK (TBH DD has been fine the whole time with just the odd incident) but DS isn't in a huge amount of contact

@WaxOnFeckOff we're going £300 pm which is 'roughly' £75pw. I'm paying his phone bill but its only £7.50 pm so can't be arsed switching it across to him.

We're only paying through to May so he'll have to survive the summer on his own. Paying monthly to encourage him to think ahead a little bit, rather than weekly

I'm hoping we can have some discussion on budgeting once he's done a month - maybe he can break down food vs eating out vs pub vs other etc to help us (and more importantly him) keep an eye on where it all goes. Food shoudln't be a lot but couple of evenings out can burn money quickly.

Definitely separate accounts. We have:

• his saving account he used to pay pocket money into
• his student account which his loan gets paid into and we pay living expenses

But he transfers the entire maintenance loan to us when he receives it, so he only really has the living costs going in. We get minimum loan so it doesn't cover accommodation - so we're paying that directly to the Uni and then he'll pay us the loan later on (just got the first term's this week)

We've also done exactly the same as @MrKlaw with 2 separate accounts so they don't get mixed and now risk of him overspending. We also get minimum loan so we pay extra into his student account to cover accommodation costs.

'mixed up" no risk of him overspending.

Thanks, that's very helpful. Ds1 is living at home so I just pay him an amount to cover his travel and it should be enough for petrol for the car too. I'm going on the basis that I don't really want to be paying for socialising as such. Imo they should be working to pay for that. I'll need to have a bigger think as maybe Ds1 is getting a poor deal.