Need some urgent advice.

[LurkyMcLurky]

DS was due to go back to uni today after Christmas. It's a uni at the other end of the country to home. We've know somethings not been right all over the holidays, but last night he broke down and said he can't go back.

His distress was heartbreaking. He opened up a bit and said he feels really anxious, the work is hard (although akaik he's on top of it), his flat mates are not his sort of people and he just doesn't feel at home there. He thinks he's picked the wrong course as well.

He's a shy boy, quiet and finds it hard to make friends. He got exceptionally good a-level results, and has been used to picking things up really easily so I think uni perhaps has come as a shock.

We've decided that he shouldn't go back. We'll make him an appointment with the Dr for next week and go from there, but to be honest, I'm not really sure what that is. His mental health is the most important thing at the moment and I cannot and will not make him go while he's so distressed. He's got an exam next week, which he won't get there for too.

If anyone has any practical advice I would be very grateful.

Sorry your DS is going through this.

I think you need to drill down on which aspect is prominent in his decision.

If it’s the course there may be an opportunity to change, or to regroup and reapply for next year (but not sure if applications now closed for 2019?)

If it’s the flatmates he should see if there’s possibility of a move

If it’s the social aspect/homesickness then I’d say the first term is so very untypical of student life generally. Everyone is getting used to being away from home, doing all the “housewifery” for the first time, trying to make friends (it’s exhausting being “on” all the time), pressure to socialise etc etc . In the second term people generally start to settle down to work and things calm down an awful lot. If you can possibly persuade him to try another term...

But you need to speak to his tutor pronto about the exam. Also student finance and be aware you will probably still have to pay for his room in halls.

I’ve got a 3rd year student and he has had various wobbles along the way, so I totally feel your pain

Thanks, VanCleef.

The exam is what is worrying me/him most at the moment but hoping that possibly he can get some kind of extenuating circumstances extension if he can get a Drs note. Not sure how that works though.

I know I can't make him go back today, but il going to try and speak to him gently over the next few days and suggest that finishing the year would be the best option.

If he wants to change course/uni then I can help facilitate that in due course. I am worried about the cost of halls as we certainly don't have the money to pay for the rest of the year.

Hopefully someone will come along who has already experienced their child reapplying or dropping out.
I can't offer any tips or advice but we are in a similar position at the moment so i empathize with how difficult this is for you.
It's a very difficult position when they are so much older and seemingly 'independent'.

I felt like this a lot at university but I stuck it out, made some amazing life long friends and got a good degree. Sometimes I wonder if we just let people give up too easily and never face their problems anymore. Is that the attitude you should have all your life? Sorry, I know that will be an unpopular opinion!

I think you should be encouraging him to go back. Can you go with him and stay nearby for a couple of days, at least while he does the exam? That'll buy him some time.

I really didn't enjoy my first year and spent the first Xmas holidays scheming how to change course/ accommodation but when I got back it got a little bit better, little by little and things eventually worked out.

Believe me, I'm not one to encourage giving up! We have an older DD at uni too and she's had a few wobbles, but stuck with it, including a semester abroad where she very nearly didn't go. This is very different though, I can just tell.

He's always been a sensitive soul, and I think he picked a uni so far away to sort of prove to us that he could do it. But sadly it seems that this probably was an unwise decision.

Your son is clearly very distressed. When you go to the GP ask him to write a letter with regard to your son's health/stress. He will need this for any extenuating circumstances claim. I would then contact your son's tutor to discuss the best way forward. Part of me thinks encourage him to stick it out - the other part of me thinks looking after his mental health is the most important thing. You know your son best. Things will work out.

Hi OP, I’m sorry to hear your DS is struggling at the moment. Student life can be stressful.

It’s important for your DS to understand that he isn’t alone, that his concerns are not unusual and that support and help is available if he wants it.

Encourage your DS to keep talking to you and to contact his university’s student support service. If he can pinpoint the main issues causing him anxiety or upset, there should be support from his university to help him deal with it. If he can’t pinpoint troubling factors, there should be support to help him with this, too.

He is not alone.

Encourage him also to contact his personal tutor. He will need their specific advice regarding his exam especially. Contact details can be found on his uni’s website.

Ultimately he may decide to take an interruption of study to allow him to take time out to take time out before returning to studies. There may be the option of changing course or even university. But he does need to seek support from his university and let them know what’s going on, if he can.

Good luck to your DS (and you).

As said above, try and find out if there is a particular problem. If it’s accommodation, he will be able to swap.
It is very common for students to decide they have picked the wrong course or the wrong university - or both.
My DD dropped out of another university - she just wasn't coping, hated the vocational course, didn't gel with her flat mates etc. I was gutted for her at the time and very concerned about her. She stuck it until Easter but had told us within the first month that she hated it. She put in a late application (April time) for a different and academic course and named 3 universities. She got all 3 offers. She is now in third year of her new degree and very happy. It is still a reasonable university (RG not that means that much) but not as a higher standing as her first one. But a 2.1 from there will mean much more than the breakdown she was having at her first university.
Financially it is better to leave at the end of a term (or before a new terms starts) otherwise student finance may want to claw back part of the terms living allowance loan.
DDs university accommodation also accepted a months notice on her accommodation before she has actually left as her course tutor emailed them to say she was leaving - but all universities have different rules so you would need to check what you are liable for and how long.

I forgot to say that DD changed to university that is only 40 minutes away. She is living in the city there but can come home easily whenever she wants.
He is claims extenuating circumstances (and it is accepted) then he could still sit the exam if he is up to it, but any retake will count as a first exam.
If he finishes the year, the he could apply for the same course (sooner rather than later) to transfer to a closer university for second year.
Good luck to your son whatever he decides to do.

Hello, sorry to hear about ds. We were in a similar posistion with dd or who started at a scottish university. She was there for a month before admitting she hated the university and course. The UCAS deadline is 15th of Jan so not long... perhaps a last ditch application could be made, but that’d be stressful. If he has his eye on anywhere else he ought to check if they do extra/clearing, as they’d be more likely to consider an application after deadline.

In the end dd waited out until she got an offer, and by the end she said she’d have been fine at the first university. She did drop out after getting an offer and is now 100% happier where she is.

Sorry just typing quickly on the tube- any questions please do ask

Been through similar experience with my son last year who sounds a lot like yours. Difference being he likes the university location and wanted to go back after Christmas but felt a failure as he hadn't made any friends and found doing shopping, cooking, laundry etc overwhelming combined with university life.

He went back last year but was overwhelmed again after just a few weeks, we had a family bereavement and serious illness in another family member so it was a busy and stressful time.

Things went down hill from there but he refused to come home as that was giving up, he thought. A fellow student in his halls killed himself.
He was barely eating as too difficult to face people in his shared kitchen or get out of bed to go shopping. I thought he was depressed, he stopped communicating with everyone including university. We went to see him as very worried, he was able to say he had some suicidal thoughts but still refused to come home.

He completed the year with some help from student services and counseling, refused to see Doctor until end of year, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, on anti depressants still.

It was a very hard time for all of us, I had to get student services to check on him several times, I was very worried about suicide risk after reading advice on various student websites.

You know your son best, talking with him in a comfortable way, maybe on a walk so doesn't feel trapped or have to look at you while talking, will help you check if it's a wobble or something more serious.

Encourage him to contact Student Services for help and talk to finance people about the financial implications if he takes the rest of the year out. Taking the time out might help him decide what he wants to do and isn't as final as dropping out.

Sorry this has been a bit long but I wanted to reassure you that it's very common but should be taken seriously as student suicide rates are increasing and boys/men are more likely to be successful and less likely to seek help or talk to someone when they feel like this.
It's great that your son has been able to talk to you, give him lots of praise for that.

We also keep telling our son that whatever he wants to do, we will be there to support him and he always has options, no degree is worth being miserable for years or causing mental health issues.

You know your own son, his mental health is priority. My DS has just returned back after Christmas, he is 1st year, he loves uni, has some good friends but still was a bit wobbly going back, think it's the thought of looking after themselves again and January is exams month. Pinning it down to the exact problem might help, maybe he needs some support from the uni, mental health or perhaps a student mentor.

I would also contact the uni about the exam, as he could lose all the marks on this exam for his final grade.
Could you plan a weekend with him to break up when he next returns (I realise you said its a long way.)
Also at DS's uni they are having another society/club afternoon where they can sign up again, maybe encourage this as he might meet new people.
Hope he gets sorted and his stress starts to ease.

Would it be helpful to ask to move into a different flat? My DD found catered easier in first year. Less to think about! If he’s ok with the work, maybe talk to the accommodations office?

A bit left field but can he talk it throughwith his sister. DD had a grim time last year (flat mates) and ended up having a long conversation with her brother, despite them normally not being that close.

The outcome was that she accepted things needed to change and put in an urgent request to move accomodation, plus some other stuff, whilst I went down and kept her out of her flat till she was moved. We had a lovely time. TKMaxx, Nandos, lots of ordinary things.

It helped though that DS took on the role of making suggestions, and my role was just to be supportive.

A year later she is very happy. She made a good friend in the summer term and a bunch more at the start of her second year. The key things were perhaps, that she liked her course and she liked the University City. So other things could be changed. Different if you are on the wrong course or in the wrong place. If so think about a move.

Thanks Needmore

They are quite close and DD was pretty upset for him last night when this all came out. He can definitely speak to her if he prefers and she is very supportive.

I'm not sure if he's really happy where he is or not. He's not really confirmed either way, although I do know that the housemates situation isn't good. Apparently there are two international students who don't mix, someone who is quite into drugs (DS is not like this at all) and the very loud immediate room neighbour. DS has asked him to keep it down but he's being ignored. I suggested he speak to the wardens but he's afraid his neighbour will get arsey.

An accommodation move might at least see him to the end of this year, so certainly an option to explore. I do think ultimately though he is regretting being so far away. The train journey back today would have been 7 hours and 2 changes. We're in the far west, he's in the east.

At the moment though, I just think he needs a break to gather his thoughts and see how he feels in a couple of weeks. He's going to be bored at home though. We both work full time, and his old friends have all gone off to uni.

Kids, thought it got easier as they got older! I'd swap this for the baby-times any day.

If he talks to his student services or academic advisor he might be able to intercalate for the rest of this year and go back next year to start again either on the same course or another one. In the meantime he gets a bit of time to catch his breath and build himself up before restarting.

OP my DS did exactly that including uni at other end of the country. We nudged and supported him week by week to stick out the year and then leave. It is so much easier to get into a different uni having completed year 1.

My DS took a year out, worked and grew up. He started again year 1 same subject different uni much closer to home. He's much much happier. Good luck. It's horrible.

Hi, my ds moved university after the first year and is a lot happier as a result. Could your ds do that? He will get funding for that. Poor him and you

Have RTFT now. I think social interaction makes such a difference. My ds was living alone in a high rise block and found it tough and this was when he’d moved to a new universiy and he had (established) friends nearby. He’s much happier having moved uni and is now living with good friends so that’s helped. Your ds’s living situation won’t have helped at all by the sound of it.

I also think it’s a shock for them, the first year, being away from home and having to learn how to adult. We paid for six months of counselling for ds too and that made a massive difference. I also called student support and he gave his permission for them to contact me if they needed to.

Bigger kids, bigger problems hey? Give me toddlers any day!

You’re doing the right thing keeping him home for now imo. I think you should consider all of the following: counselling, GP for anti depressants (possibly), moving university, changing accommodation, dropping university altogether and looking for either a job or an apprenticeship. It’s not for everyone.

I’m sure you have told him that you will help and it’s not the end of the world but I’d also suggest being very explicit about the fact that there are possibilities and it’s not the desperate situation he may feel it is.

Wishing you both the best of luck. My ds was so distressed and was talking about suicide and it was all grim for us in 2017 but moving university and changing accommodation and seeing a counsellor have all helped. And fingers crossed he seems happy now and is looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Encourage him to speak to an academic advisor of some sort.
Get this distress logged and on the record. DD is at a collegiate uni and I have to admit I initially went behind her back to alert them of mental health issues (connected to a physical health issue). She eventually sought help herself, and the college was in fact v helpful and understanding. She is not out of the woods yet though so just make sure your DS has a direct line to you whenever he needs it, and encourage him to see a GP and someone in the appropriate position at the uni

You know your son and he knows himself best. Either way be kind to him and get him to the doctor ASAP. If he/you think fit ask the doctor if they would write him a letter confirming he isn’t in a fit state to sit the exam next week. Then notify the uni that he isn’t well and if he won’t be attending advise them of this and ask about extenuating circumstances.
If he still feels this way and doesn’t want to go back many Uni halls ask for 6 weeks notice not the whole term but some private halls expect payment for the whole term (this info will be in his contract). So if need be the sooner you check this out/provide notice the better.
If your DS decides not to go back at all if this is is first year it might be better to quit now, get well and have a break before deciding on a new course.
He can decide to suspend his studies or withdraw. The date he suspended or withdraw from his studies will be based on his last date of attendance (so if he last attended before Christmas and he’s just received January’s funding he will have to repay most of this back). He should contact the Uni once this decision is made as he will need to complete paperwork and have a discussion with his funding provider about repaying back most of this terms payment.
As you have said op your DS and his health is the most important thing here. Lots of pressures on young people these days especially young males.
Take care

You're right water. Social interaction definitely plays a huge part in the settlement process. He's always struggled with that. At primary and secondary school he had a very small circle of friends and never really went out and did all the normal teenager stuff because he was always very self conscious. He admitted last night that he gets really anxious every time he has to go to work - he works part time in a local supermarket on the checkouts - so the social anxiety thing is not new at all, we just hadn't realised it was a real issue.

I've emailed the uni now, and will ring on Monday.

Thoughts are with you Op - think a lot of people on these threads will sympathise. Go with your gut feeling - hope things work out for you

It is probably a combination of things if you get a doctors note you can use this to apply for EC’s or compelling personal reasons to extend his funding should he need to in the future.
It’s a harder thing to admit he’s not well and things aren’t working than to carry on regardless keeping it to himself. He has been brave and you have listened. Many young people can’t do this or their parents are less understanding/sympathetic. He may go to Uni again after a break but his health is more important.