DD 1st year at uni want to leave

[Tryhardermum]

Hi, my lovely daughter has just told me she is v v unhapppy at uni and is intending to leave at the end of this term. She had trouble settling in, was v homesick and hadn’t made any real friends, but then she seemed to be ok. But now she has admitted that It was all a front. She says she’s tried everything - joined societies, etc- but nothing has worked and she is v v lonely. She’s so low that she won’t take any of my advice about speaking to student services about the way she feels. Any advice from wiser mums?

Is there a uni closer to home she could transfer to so she can live at home (or closer to home)?

I don’t know if I’m any wiser. But she should take up all the support that is offered to her. Eg

Her class / year / personal tutor
Student support / counselling
Her GP
If she’s in halls there might be a support system there too, like an older student.

Would it help her if you went to visit her for a few days and encouraged her to make appointments to see all these people ?

Does she understand that you want her to seek help because it’s very likely that these feelings are temporary and will get better with the right support ?

She may well be depressed so worth seeing her GP in case meds would help.

Does she like her course and is she coping OK with the work ?

Well I would hear what she is saying and let her come home.
It happened to me. Bloody hated training as an ophthalmic optician and made no friends at all. Left after a few months and reapplied for a different course the following year. Which I loved from day one.

Might be helpful for you to go with her to see student services for a chat in a supportive way and to ensure you feel like she has explored all options in order to make a decision. You cant put pressure on her to stay. Im same as pp I finished my first year so I could get a university level certificate in that subject (& my whole year wasnt wasted - at the suggestion of the very helpful tutor) and reapplied for something else that I've never looked back, thoroughly enjoyed and am still in that profession now. Life is a winding path, just support her in finding her way x

DD left uni at the end of her first term - she’d rushed the decision and ended up on a course she hated in accommodation she hated. Came home, got a job, did proper research into what she wanted to do next and where to do it, did some travelling and then went back to Uni the following year.

Absolutely the right thing to do for her and worked out really well.

Hi, thank you all for your advice. We have been up to see her but that has only made her worse. She loves the course, the uni and the city, but doesn’t have a group of friends there, just a few individual ones. She misses her old life, with schoolfriends she has had since year 7. I’m concerned that if she leaves, she will be just as depreseed at home because that life has gone-all her friends are at uni so will only be around during the hols; and, of course, they will have new friends. I worry that she will realise that coming home was a big mistake. I really think that the only issue is that she doesn’t have a close group of friends at uni and she looks around her and thinks everyone else does. I have tried to explain to her that it only appears that way: how can you be that close to people you’ve only known for 10 weeks!!? She is not thinking rationally, however. I’ve pleaded with her to seek help but she is having none of it. I’ve contacted the uni but they can’t do anything until she makes the first move. I know she’s my daughter, so I would say this, but she r is a lovely young adult. She suffers from social anxiety and isn’t at all pushy, which is causing a problem when it comes to making friends. She thought she’d r clicked with someone on her course but now the girl is ignoring her, which has really brought her low. I think short-term ante depressants, or talking to someone who was in her shoes might help but she says it won’t. I’m at my wits’ end.

I would have another go at talking to the university. You are clearly concerned for her mental health and they should take that seriously. If the problem is not the course (and you are sure about that) then try talking to student support or her personal tutor. They really shouldn’t be saying no to you under these circumstances. She needs help and is just not able to ask for it herself just now. You can make it clear you want to respect her confidentiality but you need to know they are giving her the support she needs.

Ask her what she would do if she came home. She must realise her old life is gone.
Maybe getting a job nearer to home and making new friends that way will help her transmission into her new life.

She can always reapply to uni at a later date. Best leave now rather than later if she is really unhappy.

What course is she doing? My dd finds uni life hard, and she's 2nd year. She's doing a stem subject and finds she can't do the hard partying some do, as she has to be up nearly every morning for a 9am lecture. She has about 25 hours contact time and nearly as much self study. It's exhausting, then she has to shop, cook and do her washing.
Your dd sounds depressed. She really needs to speak to student mentor, and see a doctor.
Only a couple of weeks and she'll have a month at home. Could you point out how quickly the rest of the year will go? Then she could look at transferring to nearer home?

My heart goes out to you, it's heartbreaking watching them struggle.

My undergrad boyfriend did this and it was a disaster. When he went home he was even more lonely and depressed because all his mates were off having a blast at uni, and the worry of his parents was oppressing. He then realised when we all graduated what seemed like 20 mins later, that he could have stuck it out and has a degree in something he genuinely did like. He later trained in a different subject but he could have easily done that either way and saved himself a lot of sadness and regret. He has always regretted dropping out a s it affected him for many years after.

Obviously if your daughter is miserable that needs to be addressed, but more by a transfer than coming home. What research can you do now so that you can present her with positive options? Can you go and stay in her uni town for a couple of weeks her support? When does her term end?

Does she do a sport? Often one that she had never thought of or tried before can be huge fun, especially something like rowing where nearly everyone is a complete beginner. Yoga? Something that gives her an instant network and structure.

DS1s friend felt the same in first year. She'd gone to a university that has the reputation as a bit rah. Hadn't really found a group of friends and was really missing her old school friends. Out of the blue her old boss called her to see if she was interested in a Christmas job in her uni city (trendy clothes shop). She took the job and it introduced her to a whole set of friends. They were very sociable always arranging nights out, trips. There was always someone wanting a gym partner or running partner. It was enough to make her see out 1st and 2nd year. Is on a year abroad now.

Thanks all for your supportive words. She has, in fact, joined the rowing club, but it’s not really her bag-that said, she’s persevered and still goes to the socials. All her flatmates are lovely, but they all have big friendship groups outside the flat and even though they invite her out with their friends, she says she feels as though she’s intruding and they are only being polite. She doesn’t understand that you have to put in a bit of time before people warm to you. However, she now feels that people don’t like her or won’t like her. This so-called friend who rejected her has made my daughter question her likeability. I’m scared of talking to her about how she feels, as she just shuts down. When I ask if i can call her, she now puts me off until tomorrow, but then does that every day, or calls me and then cuts me short. She says she probs won’t go back after Christmas and doesn't want to apply elsewhere for next September because she thinks the same friendship problem will happen. She r does love the course and the uni, which is great, but the issue with friends is everything to her. If she didn’t like the course or the uni or city, i feel she’d see it out if she had a good bunch of friends. She says everyone is talking about who they will be house sharing with next academic year, but she has no one.

My DD didn’t go to uni in Oct because she needed to resit a couple of papers (IB) to study her course of choice. All her friends went off to uni, or off on exciting years abroad, while she stayed behind to revise - a very brave choice, but it’s been a real struggle for her socially, stuck at home with her parents. Your DD needs to imagine what home will be like without her old friendship group, who will have all gone off to pastures new and will continue to grow and develop and form new friendships. If she loves the course and the town she should try to tough it out and if poss get involved in eg charity/volunteering work that involves structured obligations to others - commitments that get her out and keep her busy.

It seems so crazy that they have to sort their housing so early. There is another thread on here about changing housing choices which you might find helpful, as in, even a bad house choice won’t necessarily be written in stone.

I’m really sorry this is happening to your DD. It’s almost as if she is mourning her old life and cannot move on. If her flatmates are pleasant and have included her, I think they have been reasonable. It sounds like she feels like an imposter and they wouldn’t invite her if she wasn’t wanted. It’s difficult regarding how to make her see that though.

Of course it’s early days and this is a new life that won’t replicate the old one. I’m not sure coming home would work. What is the situation about y2 housing? Is this the real problem? No one to share a house with?

She’s a young 18 year old: her birthday is in August. I encouraged her to take a year out, but she didn't want to be out of step with her friends. She also said that, as they would all be at uni, she’d have no one to socialise with. Yet now that will be the case if she doesn’t go back after Christmas. I think this just shows that she’s not thinking rationally. I can’t say this to her but i will be cross if she leaves without at least speaking to someone about her feelings. It’s surprising how an outsider’s point of view can give one a different perspective. I understand that when you feel low, it’s difficult to see any light, but she will be in the same boat if she stays at home. If i approach her subject department and tell them about her, I’m worried she will feel betrayed by me and then close down totally.

I would let her because I dropped out in the first term of my third year (4 year course) and fucked myself up for life as I'd used all my student finance. At least if she leaves now and has a think this year she could reapply or think about different courses, like something more vocational, or an apprenticeship if that's more her style.

I wasn't offered any advice or support, I just had my mum telling me it was an awful decision (which obviously spurred me on to leave because that's what children do) and my part time workplace offering me a full time job with good prospects. I regret it now because a degree would've offered me more than my current lot in life.

No advice, but my DS has just done exactly the same thing and left this week so wanted to show solidarity. It's so stressful and worrying isn't it?

I think the first year is very difficult for lots of people, yet no one talks about it. All you hear is what an amazing time everyone's having.

My DS is home, luckily for him he's got some shifts where he was working before. He's talking about going back next year to do another course, but very half heartedly. I'm hoping once he's had a few weeks to think about what he wants to do he'll start making a plan.

I hope your daughter's ok x

She possibly doesn’t want to talk it through with you because she thinks you will just try to persuade her to stay or be angry / annoyed with her. She perhaps feels she is not being listened to and her feelings ignored.
It won’t be as bad for her at home because she at least would be in her own home and with her family.
If she is a young 18 she maybe isn’t ready to leave and be on her own yet. Maybe all she wants is to be back home with you and find work or a course locally but is too embarrassed or ashamed to admit it to you. She will know that her school friends won’t be there. Some people manage at that age while others need a bit longer to mature.
It may be that the friends thing is not the only issue and that’s why she finds it difficult to talk to you. You might need to start to read between the lines.
Have you had a face to face chat with her about it or is it always over the phone?
It’s better to leave now than keep going, possibly to please you, only to leave this time next year, owing money and reducing her chances of future study.

I think she needs to come home. It would break my heart to think of her as so sad and lonely. She can always go back to uni in the future, that door doesn’t just shut.

Your poor DD. I think it is much harder to start fresh at uni at 18 than people realise. It's a lot of pressure on them.

However, if her flatmates are inviting her out - why isn't she going? If they're nice girls, I'd see this as the way to make friends.

If she has joined the rowing club is there anything they are doing social wise that she can get involved in. Helping organise the xmas party, or post Christmas help the coach with the training rota. Make the teas and coffees post outing. 1st term is always hard as people find their feet. Do they have a RAG society (raising and giving) which relies on student volunteers. Always a good way to meet others.

I understand that coming home may be the best option for her as it stands now, but i think it is short-sighted to do that without at least discussing it with a professional first. Knowing her very well, i think she will come home, which will lighten her mood and then, when in this better frame of mind, realise her mistake. I know I can’t put an old head in young shoulders and my daughter is not a clone of me, but i was in a similar situation as an undergraduate-i had a boyfriend back home and wanted to leave uni and be with him. My mum wouldn’t let me, so i finished my degree. Boy, was i glad i did, as the relationship ended not long after i graduated, but i was able to carve out a fantastic new life for myself, which was only possible with my degree. I know it’s not the same situation, but all the same.

The first term of the first year is in no way representative of what student life and study actually is. Everyone is hyped up, trying to present their best selves in order to fit in and make friends. Everyone is trying to learn to live independently and study in a completely different way. The teaching might be introductory or going over stuff done at A level so may not be terribly interesting. There may be compulsory modules to endure before you get to choose what you really want to do.

All this means that I think making such a drastic decision even before Christmas Vac is premature. I think coming home for the holidays and having a frank discussion of the alternatives as others have said would be illuminating. It is unreasonable to expect anyone to find lifelong bonds with a random collection of similar aged people in the space of a couple of months. What she can do however is keep herself busy (sounds like she is) and chances are things will fall into place when things calm down next term.

If she loves the course, university and city then she would be mad to throw that away because she hasn’t made a best mate yet.

What’s her plan - to come home and get a dead end job, when all her friends from school have moved on in life ? Reapply this time next year and find that she hates the course, university or city ? And the “ making friends “ problem won’t magically go away.

And some courses will not accept anyone who has started the same course elsewhere and not completed it, unless there are exceptional circumstances.

It seems like an extreme over reaction to falling out with one friend she had known for, what, 8 weeks. . Are you sure it wasnt actually a girl friend / partner ? If she’s 18 if can’t be the first time a short term friendship hasn’t lasted. Makes more sense if it’s a first romance.

Just a thought .