DD 1st year at uni want to leave

[Tryhardermum]

Hi, my lovely daughter has just told me she is v v unhapppy at uni and is intending to leave at the end of this term. She had trouble settling in, was v homesick and hadn’t made any real friends, but then she seemed to be ok. But now she has admitted that It was all a front. She says she’s tried everything - joined societies, etc- but nothing has worked and she is v v lonely. She’s so low that she won’t take any of my advice about speaking to student services about the way she feels. Any advice from wiser mums?

My worry about her coming home would be that, as you said, all her 'home' friends are similarly at uni, so she may be even more isolated socially than she is at uni. And equally as miserable.

When friends son was struggling, we arranged for his old school mates now at uni. to visit him one weekend. She really needs to talk it over with an established peer group rather than you. If after that she still wants to come home, then home she comes for better or worse.

This is the worse time of year for settling in to any uni. Feeling like this is totally natural, all the other students feel just the same and think everyone else is having a great time when they all all like this inside. If she likes the course and the place then she needs to see it through till Christmas. (Then til Easter, then finish your 1st year...)

We show the culture shock graph below to international students but I think it's just as relevant to any uni student moving away from home for the first time. November is the dreadful month where all the excitement is over and reality sets in, they realise that the 1st person they met in freshers isn't actually their bff and they haven't really known anyone long enough to find their true tribe. All their essays are due, they have freshers flu and it's dark cold and miserable. It will get better but you have to push through. I met my best uni friend at the end of term ball in 1st year and we are still best mates 15 5 years later. I barely speak to most people I met in the first few weeks.

I do think she should talk to pastoral support.

If you can afford it a nice thing might be to send her a voucher for a local spa afternoon for two. She could ask a friend and use it as a chance to get to know someone better in a quieter environment and it would help her destress and relax.

There is a lot to be said for starting the uni year in January, when you have spring on the way. They are so burnt out after four years of studying and exams, a six month break, would not be such a bad idea.

Uni isn't for everyone. My daughter dropped out of a zoology course last summer and is now content working in a very well known pet shop

I think talking to your old school friends at other universities is not always helpful. They may truly be very happy where they have ended up. It can make the unhappy student even worse because they are, very obviously, the odd one out.

It is not always obligatory to make life-long friends at university. I find my DDs have life long friends from school, but university not so much. Both found some new university friends fickle and not for life. DD1 did a year abroad and those doing 3 years had left the university when she returned for her 4th. You can then only be friends at university with the people who are actually there. Many aspects of university life have their challenges.

Is there anyone else from her school at the university? Can she touch base with them? DD1 organised get togethers for the new students from her school and they could ask her, and others in her year from school, anything they wanted. It gave the new students a friendly face and someone to have laugh with and, importantly, an invite into another set of friends if needed.

I would try and find out why she cannot go out with the flatmates. I think this is the biggest barrier to making friends. You do not need a best buddy but you do need a gang of friends so you have options. I would try and get involved with the rowing social side too. There must be events leading up to Christmas?

I think lack of confidence can stop friendships developing so perhaps exploring how to make conversation with people so you are then included in their group because you have similar interests is worth a go.

Is it Edinburgh by any chance? If so I will direct message you my daughter's experience in case that helps.

Thank you, MistressFunBox, for the graph-i might send it to her. I agree that it would be a shame to jack it in when she actually like the course, city and uni. As has been said, there is so much pressure on students to have a great experience and find friends for life. I think she heard all these positive stories but has been surprised at how difficult it has been. Her school friends are all having a great time, so she doesn’t want to spoil things for them by telling them her troubles. She does lack confidence so most social events are a bit of a trial for her-still, she r makes the effort. But as i am sure many of you will understand, its hard to put on a happy face when you feel sad inside. Anyway, she’s coming home in three weeks, has got herself a little job and will be catching up with all her friends, so I’m sure her mood will pick up.

Op did you actually suggest anti depressants??

Your daughter is down because she is struggling to find her social group. She loves the city and the course.

She’s been at uni barely 8 week

Be proud of your daughter that she declined your suggestion of ADs. Utterly inappropriate at this stage

This was me at university. I absolutely hated my first year even though I had some friends from home I knew there. My accommodation was grim, my house mates disgustingly dirty and anti social and it was the longest I’d ever been away from home and I hated it. I came home any opportunity I got. Most of my friends hasn’t gone to university which made it even harder as life just carried on without me.

However, I stuck it out (lucky loved my course and the city I was in too) and when I moved in with other people in the second year things got so much better. I found my own rhythm and uni is still one of the greatest things I’ve ever done.

It’s so tough for you as a parent but the best you can do is be there for her but ultimately let her decide. Whatever the outcome she can make a great future for herself.

Thanks, lizzie, for your kind offer. Unfortunately, she’s not at Edinburgh. And, no, I haven’t suggested ADs; just talking to someone. I think the spa idea is great-i will do that for her and a friend for the new year. Thank you, all for your time and support.

Just remembered DS was in horrendous accommodation at halls he found out it had actually been condemned a few years before. Well we all raised cain about that and abracadabra they found alternative accommodation for him. I think some students drop out within a month or so. It is worth looking into.

DD had a breakdown in her first year at uni. Partly not feeling she fitted with her friends, partly feeling like an imposter, and partly pre-existing depression and social anxiety that she hid well.

It was very difficult and we thought she would drop out for a while. I went to see her several times (I'm fortunate in that I can work anywhere) she had counselling and the uni were fantastic. By the end of the spring term she had found her people.

She needed AD for a year, but graduated, is happy and well now. I think all but the most confident feel like they don't fit, that they're hanging on the edged of a group and less 'popular'- DD2 definitely did too. I hope she settles, but if she doesn't a gap year can be a fantastic experience.

Thanks, Cathyandclare for your post, and so pleased to hear that it all came right for your daughter. I can only imagine how worrying it must have been for you. I often think of the saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child!! My DD seems to have a busy schedule running up to the end of term, so that will be a good distraction for her. Then we just have to get through Christmas! I do hope she sees things through at uni, as it is a great privilege to have the opportunity to go. It’s so hard letting your children go after 18 years of nurturing them. Every pain she feels is a barb to my heart, but then you all know that.

@Tryhardermum - my ds was in this position in his second year (doing a 4 year degree - we are in Scotland) because he fell out with the group of friends he had made in the first year. He tried joining things, but just got more and more down - I was really worried about him.

He decided to move universities - he changed course and moved much closer to home, to the city where all his closest friends were studying or working. He is now in his third year (he had to go back a year because he changed to a different course) and is sharing a flat with one of his friends, with his other friends close by, and he is infinitely happier.

If I were you, I would suggest to your dd that she talks to the student welfare people, and that she comes and has a chat with you too. A previous poster suggested that she could move closer to home - I would echo that - it worked for ds3. If she is still in touch with close friends from school, maybe she could look at courses at the universities they are at - she might have to redo her first year, but she would have some ready made friends.

And look after yourself too - I know exactly how worrying and stressful it is when your child is going through this - yes, they are over 18, so adults, but they still need our support and care - and you can give this best if you are looking after yourself too.

I apologise for catastrophising but the DC of a friend of mine went to uni, and struggled so much; DC got so depressed, they actually felt there was no other option but to end their life. My friend had no idea; DC kept it to themselves, and then it was too late.

If your DD is down she should do whatever it takes to make things right. She can come home; granted that will present issues but at least that way you can keep an eye on her. Or as PP have said there are lots of other things she could try first.

Uni is a very difficult time. I hope she is ok! And you too of course

Could she come home every or most weekends while she finds her feet? It would be a shame to drop out if she likes the course and the city.
if it was my DD I would encourage her to stick with the rowing, not because I'm a rower in anyway but it's a good social scene.

And like pp have said encourage her to speak to her tutor or student welfare - she's more likely to listen to them than you - DCs tend to think parents know nothing iykwim. The uni won't want her to drop out without at least talking her through things.

I dropped out of one of the best universities for my course in the country within about six weeks of starting. I felt I was in the wrong place, in the middle of a big city with big greenery. I was skint, everyone was competing for part time work so it was hard to get, we had loads of work to do and I missed my dog terribly.

Being a drop out was one of the best decisions I ever made. I started another course that January at a uni local to home. I say home, my DM had relocated a month before I went to uni so it was still a newish area to me. The uni I went to is one of the worst rated in league tables. However, I went on to get a first class degree, and a place on one of the very best ranked graduate schemes in the country.

I'm rambling and I don't know if this is any use, but my DM had my back and willingly came and helped me pack everything back up that we had unpacked barely a couple of months ago. She didn't care that I'd spent loads of money including some from her to stay afloat and that it was all gone, she just brought me home and supported me. It really is one of the best decisions I ever made, as painful as it was at the time. No one wants to admit they aren't coping, and it's really positive that your daughter is being open about it. Hugs to both of you x

Orcinus, that post just made me cry, good tears!
I’ve just done the same for my daughter and brought all her stuff back home. Our story is almost identical to yours and I think/hope ours will have a similar outcome too. If you’re really miserable and there are better alternatives out there, dropping out of uni isn’t the end of the world. I’m so glad you shared your story and it worked out for you. I hope my daughter writes a similar post to yours one day!

Her school friends are all having a great time, so she doesn’t want to spoil things for them by telling them her troubles.

Is it worth pointing out that they'll be thinking she's having a great time, too - and it could be some of them are struggling, but don't want to spoil things by telling their troubles... Tings aren't always as they appear (on social media.)

She’s coming home in a few weeks and i have quite a lot of time off work over the holidays, so I’ll have time for her-although i suspect she will be spending a lot of time catching up with friends! She seems better these last few days, so I’m hopeful. Only time will tell...

If she doesn't want to seek professional help herself at uni would she let you set up in advance a couple of private appointments with a counsellor at home for when she gets back? Find one who's used to students/young adults.

Suspect it's partly the housesharing plans that has put the idea of leaving into her head as then she doesn't have to deal with it, it's so hard they have to decide this when they haven't been there long.

That’s a good idea, fringegrin45-thank you. And, yes, the house-sharing plans have really upset her, but she will get somewhere, and she may like the students she ends up living with.

Any update OP?