Help! Daughter not enjoying uni

[Coffeelover47]

Has anyone else experienced this? DD went to uni this sept to a city 5 hours from home. The uni did not help with settling in (no freshers reps or older years encouraging them to get involved) and she struggled to find her feet in the first couple of weeks. I wasn't too worried as have heard this is normal, but we're approaching Christmas now and she still calls me in floods of tears a few times a week. She says her course is going well (but lots of free time) and she does have friends but she only sees them a couple of times a week as they are all on different courses. She struggles with her flatmates as most evenings they do drugs with their friends in the flat which dd isn't a fan of, I've suggested telling the university about them but she doesn't want to get them kicked out. She just seems so homesick a lot of the times and she tries to get involved in uni life but I think she'd rather be closer to home. Is there any advice you would give her? i think she should stick it out but I get that its hard when everything seems so miserable and lonely. Just hate hearing her so upset :(

I think it's very hard to settle with humanities courses - I did History and had 5 hours of lectures/tutorials a week for my first year. That's a lot of time to fill.

The flatmates sound awful. I was also not a drug user at uni and whilst it wasn't a problem for me I can see how it is for the OP's DD.

I really don't know what to suggest other than plugging on at the accommodation office and finding societies to join. It can be very hard, the first term at uni.

I get the impression that with the compulsory education age going up to 18 sixth formers are babied a lot more which much make the adjusting to uni harder.

why would that make any difference? If you're going to uni you'll have always been in education until the age of 18.

Adjusting to uni has always been hard for a lot of people.

When I was a 6th former there were no detentions for missed homework because it was your responsibility to keep up with the work and no sanctions for missing lessons because if you couldn't be bothered to come to class that was on you. We were also trusted with free periods and could go home if we had no lesson last thing.

Now all the time wasters who would have dropped out in my day are forced to stay they naturally have to treat all the students like they are still at secondary school. 6th form in my day was a really good stepping stone with some but not all of the responsibilities of uni.

I sympathise with your DD. While I didn't really bond with my flatmates in first years, at least we didn't actively dislike each other either. In second year I went on exchange to the US where I had to share a dorm room, and I did not get on at all with my roommate. Try sharing a 10m2 room for 9 months with someone you can't stand!

Anyway, what really helped me in those first two years was to get a part-time job. Nothing special, just worked in a cafe, but it was a sociable place to work, so it meant I met different people and earned some extra money too. Working with people who are not all students can help provide a bit of perspective as well: university is not the be-all and end-all, there is another world out there!

As my DDs went to boarding school, sharing a room with those you didn’t like was part of it. University, with your own room is a doddle after that.

I get the impression that with the compulsory education age going up to 18 sixth formers are babied a lot more which much make the adjusting to uni harder.

I also fail to see th relevance of this, any kid going to uni historically would have been in fte till they were 18.

What I do think is relevant is many kids are basically expectected to go to uni now, it's almost become a right of passage, and many of these kids sadly shouldn't be, and hence they can struggle and drop out.

In the past 16-18 education would have been just the teens that wanted to learn. Now those who don't want to learn are stuck in education up to 18 the teachers have to accommodate them as best they can even if it means a more school like environment for those who would benefit from being allowed some independence.

It's true that you have to learn to deal with people you don't like or get along with at work - but you also have a break from those people and time with people you do like when you get home!

I'm a mature student living in a shared flat and I'd be miserable too if the people I was sharing with were on drugs and keeping me up at night. I wouldn't be shy about telling them to be quieter or just going off and doing my own thing, either - it must be much harder for someone who is 18 and worried about fitting in. I feel very sorry for your DD - it might be worthwhile for her to get in touch with the university's welfare/wellbeing department and see if they could recommend to the accommodation department that she switch rooms. If there's nothing available, it won't help, but it could make her more of a priority if there is.

It sounds like there is a combination of things affecting your daughter and having drugs taken in her accommodation is just one of those factors (but a very big one). I'm sure that moving to accommodation where she feels safer and more comfortable will make a big difference and I hope you can both find a way for her to do that.

I also think that feeling lonely, struggling to fit in, looking for your 'tribe' and so forth is part of becoming an adult. Our job as parents is to provide support, encouragement and advice for our children and from your post it sounds like you're doing all of that very well.She can grow through this and come out the other side stronger, with new skills and with a better sense of self.

My advice to her is:

1. you are stronger than you think and you can and will get through this. It won't last forever. This is a tough time of year with the days getting short. Things really will be better in the Spring.
2. get support from her existing network. Does she have close friends from school? if so, can she plan a holiday with them, visit them or host them at her accommodation? Friends can be a great way of reminding us who we are. They also are often good at listening without trying to 'fix' everything.
3. sort the accommodation and find somewhere else to live. Is she on a private lease or is the accommodation provided by the university? If it's a private lease then is there a break clause and can she stick things out until then? If it's university provided then the university will probably be more supportive than she may think and she should seek advice from them on a confidential basis before deciding what to do.
4. all the advice here is really good - join clubs, get a part time job, etc.
5. don't give up.

My dd is second year and left her houseshare and moved back to halls. The university found her accommodation the day she asked. ( I think they felt sorry for her, the state she was in). According to her new flatmates the room had been vacant all along. I'm guessing that is probably the case for your dds university.

In halls though you usually have your own room, and it would be unlikely the other kids would be doing drugs every night in the social areas like the kitchen/lounge.

It sounds like she has maybe not integrated with folks on her course or the folks in her halls. And the friends she has made, she's not close to, if she only sees them a couple of times a week.

This would indicate to me, possibly she's isolated herself, possibly as she's not very outgoing. If she's phoning you in floods of tears a few times a week, then there probably is quite a significant issue here.

If she's not already talking about who she will live with next year, then maybe yes, it's best for her to switch to a uni closer to home and commute. The situation is likely to get worse in her second year, as people seperate off and live with their friends.

If however she already knows who she is living with next year, and is looking at or got accommodation then it will resolve itself.

In terms of meeting other people - could she get a job? My course was quite light on lectures, so I got a bar job. Met loads of other people my age who were on different courses, the year above, at the other uni in town etc. Won't help with the crappy living situation, but might broaden her friendship group.