Help! Daughter not enjoying uni

[Coffeelover47]

Has anyone else experienced this? DD went to uni this sept to a city 5 hours from home. The uni did not help with settling in (no freshers reps or older years encouraging them to get involved) and she struggled to find her feet in the first couple of weeks. I wasn't too worried as have heard this is normal, but we're approaching Christmas now and she still calls me in floods of tears a few times a week. She says her course is going well (but lots of free time) and she does have friends but she only sees them a couple of times a week as they are all on different courses. She struggles with her flatmates as most evenings they do drugs with their friends in the flat which dd isn't a fan of, I've suggested telling the university about them but she doesn't want to get them kicked out. She just seems so homesick a lot of the times and she tries to get involved in uni life but I think she'd rather be closer to home. Is there any advice you would give her? i think she should stick it out but I get that its hard when everything seems so miserable and lonely. Just hate hearing her so upset :(

My DD wasn’t a fresher last year but she encountered no one who took drugs every night at any time during her 4 years at university and 2 years of post grad. Some drank too much in the first few weeks at university (until they realised they had work to do) but she would totally avoid drunks and druggies. I completely agree that not being able to avoid them is a nightmare. As she had her own room in a catered hall it was possible to avoid who you didn’t like. The bedrooms were clusters of 6 but no sitting room, kitchen or dining area. I think there is more communal space in self catering hall flats where there can be a party atmosphere. If students did drugs in a bedroom it didn’t affect anyone else.

Alcohol was consumed in clubs and pubs. There are some universities that students choose for the nightlife. No one believes me when I say this, but it’s true. There are cities where the drug and drinking habit is fairly normal. However moving rooms and finding people like you is the answer and going to another university doesn’t avoid this problem if you still get a room with those who prioritise drinking and drugs. If the course is right, exploring how to Iive the life she wants is the way forward.

Bluntness, I can see how this might help with a humanities student. DS had a strong study group in his third year to the extent they effectively colonised a small room in the library. They all got firsts!

DD had a pretty full timetable with 9.00am starts four days a week and accommodation some way from the University so it was not really about studying in the library but simply getting through long days on little or no sleep.

It was awful to see someone who was normally confident and who had happily negotiated school, new sixth form and gap year, lose her belief in herself. And whilst I assume Bubbles was trying to be helpful by describing her own DDs parallel but very different experience last year at the same university, it did not help, which may be why I am so touchy.

Part of the problem is that first year students may have high expectations of the fun University is going to be. So they may assume that everyone else is having a brilliant time and that it is only them who are struggling. And equally hard for us mums to see our DC so isolated and unhappy, when others kids are clearly having a ball.

Waves at Captain, and hope your DC is enjoying second year!

Bubbles, sorry I had assumed from your regular posting last year that you had a DD3 who was first year in halls.

If not, when was your DD start her first year, because both Bristol and drugs usage have expanded significantly. And I assume that those taking post grad law courses stay well away from drugs because of the potential impact on employment prospects.

I don't know. For some reason people posting in response to an OP saying their DC is having problems and seeking advice, by saying their child had no problems can come across as stealth boasting. As if better parents, produce more resilient DC, and that a different experience is the fault of an OP or their child.

DD is clear. Last year was the worst year of her life.

I am clear. The level of drug use and anti social behaviour was unacceptable, as was the lack of supervision, something confirmed to me by friends with experience of managing University accomodation.

Arguing that experiences of almost a decade ago were different, adds nothing. I absolutely accept that the majority really enjoy their first years at University. But equally it is important to accept that this is not true of all, and that if someone asks for her you offer it, rather than deny their experience.

What a worry for you. I know that when I went to university, it took over a term to find people whose values and interests tallied with mine, and to get the accommodation right. Initially I was two bus rides away from the campus which was hopeless. It feels a real struggle to begin with. I am glad that she is resisting the drug involvement - good for her.

I think that coming home regularly is fine - if it helps her to make the transition. And ringing home lots too - that is fine.

She is lucky to have your support.

I was lucky that I had outside interests and joined a choir in the city that was nothing to do with the university. Has she any interests that might have organisations locally? I did join the university branch of Shelter and used to go out and decorate homes in the slums - it was a focus for the weekends and I met lots of other people too.

exploring how to live the life you want sounds easy but actually there are a million factors that can make that hard. I am grateful DD is still at uni - she is having a much better year. Thanks to needmoresleep for your support x

She needs to find her tribe so to speak. Maybe go a bit crazy with lots of societies and reduce down to the ones with people she feels most compatible with.

Need more yes she did law and yes got a first.

It's really just a suggestion as it was something that worked for her, she's not very outgoing, a few folks took her up on her offer and they became good friends and worked together in their group to support each other.

I have given lots of positive suggestions about what might help! I just tried to analyse why DD1 didn’t have these issues and could avoid drugs and drink. I am not aware that drug taking amongst students has spiralled out of control. Far more crack in the City I think.

I am aware DD1 avoided problems but DD2 didn’t. I am very much aware how much of a nuisance difficult flat mates can be (and their friends).

If a DC can get into a type of hall where there are fewer drug takers, (or others with habits you don’t like) then life can be better. It’s about looking at all avenues to find friends and have a better time. I realise it’s not easy but actually, the vast majority do manage it. In many situations in life you come across people you would rather not be with. University can throw 18 year olds into this situation.

I have also noticed that the “different” person is recognised as different by flatmates but they won’t change. A lovely DS of a friend was telling me about a “weird” girl in his first year flat who refused to join in and left the university. He thought she was distinctly odd and wasn’t ready to leave home. He’s a lovely lad but 7 students wanted to have fun and she didn’t. They didn’t miss her but she must have been unhappy. This is the problem. The other students won’t get it. So moving on really is the only solution. Not home, to another flat.

My niece is struggling too. 3 hours away from home. She's looking at changing flats too. Her course is quite intense but she finds weekends really hard.

We thought it would be my Dd struggling as the first week was awful. But she's settled in fine and my niece spent the weekend at hers and then phoned her mum in tears about having to go back.

It's so hard but her mum is going up on Thursday to see what she can do to help.

I'm also not convinced that drug use at unis has mushroomed. I accept that Bristol, like other unis, has expanded but Needmoresleep, what's the evidence that drug use has expanded faster than the uni population. I've had DC go to uni in consecutive years or every other year since 2008 (so precisely the decade in question) and I absolutely don't see any difference in anecdotes about drug use. Very unscientific I know, but where is the quantified evidence?

Sorry to hear your DD is unhappy OP.

I have to say I disagree with Lumpy in so far as being full and frank about the other flatmates' drug use. I think that would be stirring up a whole load of trouble for the OP's DD who is the chief concern.

I also don't see why any poster should either guess it's Durham simply because Durham is in the North (and in fact the college set up makes it far easier to make friends then in non collegiate unis) or want to guess, when the OP very clearly wants to avoid naming the uni.

I was at Bristol in the 1980s and there was a lot of drug use then. TBH I think it’s unfortunately somewhat the luck of the draw whether you end up with druggy flatmates. If you do and that’s bit your scene it’s not your job to convert them to clean living and you’d better have an exit strategy.

not your scene

It’s a life lesson too to understand that you can’t convert the planet to your own standards.

Dd has a flatmate this year that transferred from Bristol because of the drug problem in her halls. One boy used to get regularly off his face and come banging on her door in the middle of the night. It's just totally unacceptable that they do nothing about it.

So sorry to hear about your daughter's woes Coffeelover47.

DD is taking a gap year and has just sent off her UCAS application today. I worry that she will struggle when she goes to university as she is not very resilient and not great at standing up for herself.

She has visited a friend at university a couple of times and visited her boyfriend a couple of times. I find it depressing that her student friends and their friends are still drinking at fresher's week levels. The novelty of getting extremely drunk has not worn off yet. It's no wonder that so many first years are asking for en suite accommodation as so many of them spend their nights with their heads down the toilet.

I got drunk from time to time at that age, but not every few days, and not enough to make me sick every time.

DD will want to share with sociable people, but she won't want people who want to party all the time. She needs her sleep.

Op I found my first term at uni awful too and I went to a uni in my home city that I was very familiar with as family members were staff there. I just felt under enormous academic pressure and felt lost amongst all these mature and sophisticated students. I didn't feel I belonged. However once I'd passed a few exams and done well in a few essays, I began to relax and get to know people on my course ie 'my tribe'. I didn't make lifelong friends (apart from dh!) but I ended up loving my time. My ds is preparing his application and I'm warning him the first term is really tough but it gets better.
Btw I'm not sporty at all but I found badminton a great social activity for the not so physically gifted.

I turned a blind eye to my DC's unhappiness (RG uni, Midlands). DC answered a rough questionnaire for flatmates including liking sport. Turns out flatmates liked watching football/rugby/snooker on TV, not actually taking part. They were younger and more local and basically ostracised DC.

DC didn't get any help from SU or tutor. Eventually friends helped facilitate a move to friendlier place after two terms of deep unhappiness. DC like my other DC had been away from home before for some time and was sociable and sporty - so it really was the unkindness, isolation and bullying in the 8 person flat. At the end of the 2nd term I tried myself to speak to the tutor but he apparently couldn't even technically acknowledge DC was a student so it got to the stage i was saying "OK just answer this, if HYPOTHETICALLY a student at your uni were deeply unhappy and could not get any joy from either YOU or the SU to whom should that hypothetical student turn?" The drop out rate at the uni was very high.

Crosstalk that's interesting because the dropout rate at my uni was high too and continues to be, and I felt some faculty members were rather proud of being a 'tough' uni. I have literally no idea who'd I'd have approached for support during my time there. I do feel I'm quite a resilient person because of my experience there but so many people unnecessarily drop out or switch course. Sink or swim is a really shit and outdated attitude. It's not a great life lesson either because it trains people never to ask for help.

Which universities are you referring to that have a high drop out rate?

There was a volunteering society at my uni where we did loads of great things, taking kids on days out, helping organise things for older people, helping in day centres etc. It was great for meeting other kind students too!

If your DD was able to move, is quiet living an option? My DS chose this type of hall, is also in his first term and it suits him really well. Is your DD musical at all? Choirs are a great way of mixing and making friends.

but so many people unnecessarily drop out or switch course

From what I can see this isn't simply about ability to socialise and settle in. For many students they find the work too hard and are failing or find it too stressful,it's a huge jump from school, they don't adjust to being away from home, they have picked the wrong course and find they don't like the work. There are many reasons kids drop out. And when they do so they feel it's necessary.

Bottom line is many kids go to uni when they shouldn't. It's not the answer for everyone.

My daughter also went to a red brick uni and yes, a lot of kids dropped out after the first year, but not being able to make friends or not liking those they share a hall with is not the one and only reason. It's not even the biggest reason.

DD1 was miserable at Uni for a while and after coming home for Christmas she got halfway back to college (3 hours away) and rang me from the station in tears. She had no lectures after Friday till Wednesday so I told her to come home and go back in time for her next lecture. She then came home every weekend for several weeks until one weekend she had plans and we didn't see her again till end of term.
Most of her fellow students were homesick and told her going home all the time wasn't the answer and she just told them, "It is for me at the moment."
She was in a cold single room (no mod cons) in one of Oxford's old colleges, no central campus or meeting place, and it took her over six months to settle. But she did and 30 years later her closest friends are those she made at Uni.

Most rooms are single rooms and I was horrified at DDs room at university! The furniture was from about 1930 - give or take a few years. This was just a few years ago. She kept her shoes in the fireplace!

I do agree with Bluntness. I think when a thread is about a DC not settling there is an automatic assumption that students leave because they are unhappy with their flatmates. I think there are far more reasons for not being happy and flatmates is one reason for a tiny number of students. The reason students leave is far more varied. Choosing the wrong course is more of a problem.

I also think the increase in university places has enabled more DC go to university who would not have gone in the past. They would have been employed locally and done day release for professional qualifications. The higher level apprenticeships might be better for some.

When students drop out, their rooms become available so it’s best to keep trying for a move. I do think university throws 18 year olds in with others, with whom they have nothing in common, but work can be like this too. Learning to cope with people is a life long skill but it’s hard at 18 when you are surrounded by people who are not like you.

Going home all the time is rarely the answer. You are not around when others are getting to know each other. My DD found the local people at her university were never really part of any group of friends at the weekend. They liked the quiet life at home. Maybe that’s the answer - commute to university if you want a quiet time! Obviously not available for all but it could work for some.