Dd doesn't want to go to uni. Has no idea what to do.

[Blarneybear]

I think she's overwhelmed with life. She says she can't bear the idea of leaving home. She also has a horse who she genuinely loves. Doesn't socialise much. Loves her family life. Says she's not ready to leave it all. Has no idea what she wants to do. Had to repeat a year in 6th form due to illness so is behind her peers anyway so not sure if a gap year is a good idea. She's a lovely girl but totally lacks ambition unless it's with her horse. She's predicted A/B, B, C so not amazing grades. Help!

Has she been to any open days? That's where it fell into place for one of mine. She was adamant she didn't want to move away, but after going to a couple of open days, seeing it firsthand, looking at the accommodations as well she changed her mind.

'I could really see myself living here'.

Also, has she looked into equine studies?

She doesn't want to do farming. She had no clue! She's been applying for sports science degrees as she likes coaching and is interested in anatomy and nutrition, but isn't sure she wants to spend 3 years doing it.

Not pushing this but just to say they're not only farming! Just for example
www.rau.ac.uk/study/undergraduate/courses

Maybe needs some work experience in different things eg sports/nutrition to find something that clicks for her then it would feel worthwhile

She can get some good experience volunteering with Riding for the Disabled, she can learn about working with children at a riding school, she could learn about equine therapy with a work experience placement, she could travel & work on a ranch in the States, Argentina, Australia, apprenticeship in a racing yard (difficult to get), a farrier, a groom,volunteer at a vet practice, research equine physio therapy- there are lots of interesting routes to explore over her next few years and when she is older & more focused she can undertake the qualifications for her chosen field.

At the moment she enjoys her cozy life. I expect the OP bought her horse and pays for it. Going away will mean standing on her own two feet minus her horse so it’s not attractive. Just let her get a horsy job locally. Even if she went to university and got a horsey job she would not have any debt as she wouldn’t earn enough to pay anything back. Try and find out how the loan system works before jumping to conclusions about expense.

I know nothing about horses but just wanted to say that I have four dc at university or recently left, and I could name at least twenty of their friends who went 'because it's the right thing to do' and ended up coming home.

Most left during the first year owing accommodation costs and at least one term of tuition fees, feeling like failures, so I would definitely recommend listening to what she is telling you.

A gap year with some part time work, travelling and horse stuff sounds perfect while she takes stock.

I know people who did that and then felt ready for uni (you're never too old for uni, mature students in their 50s on my course!), some who went into considered full time employment and one who took another year off before feeling ready for anything.

Wow bubbles what an unpleasant post. Fwiw dd has a part time job and contributes to her horse. She was extremely ill last year. AND I am fully clued up about the loans system. If you have nothing nice to say (which you rarely do I've noticed) maybe you'd be better off getting out more.

Thanks to all those who have given constructive advice.

Personally I wouldn't push uni if she's not in the mindset for it. She won't be able to give it her all and it's just going to stress her out and she won't perform well. I'd encourage a full time job, whether horsey or not, and rethink in a year. She can always do distance learning with the OU if she'd like to pursue a degree. Uni isn't for everyone

Whereabouts in the country are you, OP? Are there local colleges that run courses relating to reasonably demanding aspects of equine care/management? I know these exist in Staffordshire, Shropshire & Cheshire (and in/around London) but don't know about other parts of the country. University might be an option later on, when she's begun to find her way. I think the worst thing would be to do nothing and just end up in an undemaninding & unsatisfying job, as motivation can evaporate quite quickly.

If what she wants to do needs higher grades she could resist during her gap...I did my a levels at adult education although there other options...

Going at 20 or older is no bother as long as ok for you to support that/she works... does something...

My son went to uni at 20. He had a year at work then applied, deferred that offer and went the following year. He funded himself and has an amazing job now. He is 26 and very successful. My daughter left school at 16 jumped from job to job now she also has an amazing job and a house of her own a husband etc etc. She ( your DD) is young and no decisions she makes now will jeopardise her future.

She will work, I've been quite needled by the ininsuation that she wants a free ride. She is working out whether she wants to go to uni. She has a part time job now and can get as many shifts as she likes for as long as she likes. I think the idea of a gap year is a good one.

There are plenty of equestrian related careers that don't involve grunt work like mucking out. Saddle fitting, equine dentist, equine physio, farrier, barefoot trimmer for example.

If she has a passion, then let her follow it while she can. If she doesn't want to actually work in an equestrian field (all the above need training and qualifications and can be hard to break into) then nothing wrong with working a normal job and enjoying/competing her horse in her spare time. I know a LOT of people who do just that.

A year, or two, away from the pressures of school, exams, study might just give her the breathing space to decide what she really wants to do.

My DD took 2 years after dismal A-levels, lived at home, worked, rode/competed her horse, decided what she wanted to do, did an Access to Nursing course and has just qualified.

Sometimes they just need a bit of time.

Bubble, what an amazing insightful kind post. Congrats.

OP, your dd does have a plan. And maybe she needs a rest. If she is working and competing etc I’ll let her be for now. It’s not like she is on the sofa doing nothing. Some kids are not ready to leave home at 18. And that is ok. Give her time to rest and know what she wants. She’ll be fine.

Where about are you?

Don't force it. Everyone was adamant that my baby brother should go to uni and as the 4th child, where everyone else had gone to uni the pressure was high. He had no idea of what he wanted to do so randomly picked a course. He lasted weeks and then dropped out. Unfortunately he was saddled with debt from the course fees and the accommodation.
He started working in a restaurant and now is a very well respected and sought after chef after working his way up from the bottom. Purely by chance he found his passion was food and he talks about it with real love, we couldn't have guessed that when he was trying to decide what to do with his life.

All of the rest of his siblings have degrees (really good ones) but I'm the only one who actually uses it (profession) the others eventually decided nope it wasn't for them.

If she wants to take her time figuring it out she could always go later. I took an additional year in a-levels due to illness and then another year again at uni, loads of people had taken extra time and weren't 18 when they started for lots of different reasons. No one really notices past that fist week.

Or first week even

For heavens sake it’s not unpleasant to say the DD is having a great time and doesn’t have the desire to leave home! She loves her horse and she loves being at home - so says the OP. She clearly didn’t earn enough to buy it. I have owned horses and I know how much they cost! More than a little part time job brings in. It doesn’t appear there is money given over for board and lodging from her wages, or any need to cook etc so it’s a great deal. If she just wants her life to be about her little job and her horse, so be it. It’s up to her isn’t it?

You may well be irritated by me OP, but you said yourself why she likes home and I’m agreeing with you! Is the horse going anywhere after a gap year? What difference will that make? I know the hard graft in racing yards and I’ve truly appreciated if iver the years. All horse jobs are hard graft from the farriers, dentists, physios. work riders to the trainers. The great thing that work riders get out of the job is riding and caring for other people’s expensive and wonderful horses. Decent work riders easily get jobs. Many people who love horses don’t just ride their own and you can make a career out of it.

OP if she works for a year and then decides she wants to go to uni that will stand her in such good stead - she will probably have a much easier time than a lot of freshers straight out of school. if she decides she does't want to go then she can always go later anyway. In retrospect my DD would probably have taken a gap year and worked. All the best to you both!

OP does she need to go away to university? Are there any local to you that she could travel to daily and so keep her job going etc. That seems to be a common alternative where I am.

Btw OP
Seems reasonable to me that a girl who's been unwell enough to redo a year of sixth form might want more time at home. You've both had a difficult experience interrupting the usual phase when kids are separating from their parents and spending more time with friends. Then presumably she had to make new friends in year below.?Home & horse probably felt safe...Maybe just needs a bit more time to feel confident in her independence eg have her own full time income, drive around etc

Don't push her to go to uni, I decided I wanted to go to uni, persevered through four miserable years of awkwardness and strife (travelled from home so no uni 'life' experience) and now do I job that I love that I could have started four years sooner without my degree, and has plenty opportunity for progression should I want it.
I did well in school, for seven good highers and graduated with a joint honours 2:1, but it honestly means nothing to me, I'm sad that o never had the proper uni experience, but I know that had I left home to try and achieve it id have dropped out, I'm too much of a home bird and find it hard to make friends.
Are you rural? Maybe agricultural college or an animal care course if she's interested in pursuing further education, but if not, please done sweat it, she won't end up a waster just because she doesn't go to uni, I promise!

I think the pressure these days on kids to go straight to uni is immense.

My DD is 18, finished a Business BTEC this summer, but really has no idea what she wants to do for a career and is also quite young for her age. She has taken a gap year, but in reality this is likely to turn into two years. She has a retail job, with plenty of overtime, and is having an induction for a volunteering role in the caring sector this week. She is also a young guide leader, about to start official training for that. She plans to work till next summer (both to save up and wanting to attend an event that only happens every few years) then go abroad for volunteering/travelling.

We are happy with her plans, she helps in the house and with dog walking, and is becoming more mature and independant by the day.

But we have a number of friends who see A levels then uni at 18 as THE only route, and have made it clear through their comments that they look down on my DD, both for doing a BTEC and for not being at uni. They cannot understand why I am not pushing her to make a career choice now, like they are with theirs.

One friend, whose DC have never worked a day in their 20/17 yrs, openly told me that she thinks retail work, as my DD does, and DS has done in the past, is the absolute pits (and seemingly below her DC 'who wouldn't want to do that'. They don't seem to want to do any work). I avoid her as much as possible now.

Another, with a DD in yr 13, is adamant that she can only have a gap year if she has applied for uni this year, despite admitting that the DD is not sure of what her chosen course entails and is struggling to write her PS! My suggestion of letting her apply with actual grades next year was knocked back. Not having a place this year is just not an option in my friends mind. She actually said to me this week, that her DH wondered where they had gone wrong in bringing their DD up. I was speechless.

Op - my DS went to uni at 18 two years ago, and was the only one in his house share last year that was 19 turning 20. All the others were older than him, some by a year, some by 2 or more. DS has always been quite mature, but it was interesting that the eldest of the group very much led the way in getting the house, liaising with lettings agents etc.

Let your DD have a gap year, to find her feet a little, without being forced to go down a particular route now.

Your dd is still young, has her life ahead of her and I think that at that age young people feel pressured to know what they want to do for a career.
There is nothing wrong with your dd being unsure of what she wants to do.
I would say let her take that bit of extra time to help her make the right choice.
She is already doing well in having a job and taking responsibility for her horse.
Her illness will have set her back a little and it’s inderstanable that she doesn’t feel ready to leave.
My dd is in final year at school and is also unsure so I’ve advised her to get at least get a job if she doesn’t know what to do next.

That way she’ll be earning, gaining some independence, increasing her confidence and people skills and hopefully setting herself up for a good future.
I went to uni and was quite academic but it can be over rated in my opinion.
Lots of other options out there. The only thing to avoid really is a life loafing about which your dd isn’t doing anyway.

Sophiesdog11 I could have written most of your post. DD wasn't sure about the course she had an offer on so has taken a gap year. She is one of the youngest in her year, has a job in retail, has been a young leader at Brownies for the last 2 years and has had an induction for voluntary work at the hospital. She just has to have a blood test to make sure she doesn't have any notifiable diseases then she can then start her volunteering role.

She is an excellent cook and now needs to get her personal statement finished and complete her UCAS application.

I was also going to suggest looking at Harper Adams. They have lots of courses - Veterinarian Nursing only asks for a C in Biology.

I am also a firm believer in going to a local uni/college if that is right for that person. The culture of moving to the other end of the country is not the norm in many other countries & not good for everyone.