2nd year uni (starting 2018)

[HSMMaCM]

The old thread seems to have filled up!

We've booked our family holiday too Denis. Dd2 choice of destination because it's her A level year. Can't believe I'm doing all this uni business again, hoping her UCAS form gets submitted today after doing final check with form tutor.

Xenia I meant not Denis lol!

That's come round quickly RedHelen

What is she wanting to study?

Last year was our 4th time(or may be 4th/5tjh as they are twins) and last time although relations are applying this year and others not too many years after that.

Not getting too much news from my student twins but that's fine. I have said enough over the summer that htis is the term in year 2 to apply for summer internships and vacation schemes and if they don't want to that's fine. You can lead horses to water but not make them drink.

Not thinking as far ahead as summer but we will be going to the US at Christmas to see DS who is studying for a PhD.

This term is already a whole lot better. Last year in halls was dystopian. I think DD is finally settled and enjoying university. It is good to see her confidence return.

Great to hear about all your busy happy offspring. I'm feeling a bit envious of you all tbh. There is complete radio silence from both my uni-based ds's.

I suspect DS1 is avoiding me because he owes me his rent money (which I paid for him before he got his loan) and he has already spent it all on flights to see his girlfriend who lives abroad I suspect ds2 is not deliberately avoiding me but is busy and happy and he just doesn't do 'chat'. He'll see no point in talking to me unless there is something to say.

So questions for you all, what's the longest yours go without some contact with you and how often is it reasonable to expect my boys to get in touch ? And now do I sit on my hands and wait for them to think of contacting me one day? Where's the line between clingy helicoptering and completely cutting the apron strings? All views welcome

My DD is quite chatty. After her initial bid for independence, she realised she quite likes us really . This weekend we've been invited for Sunday lunch. While we're there, she'd like a lift to her cheer try out, then we are invited to hover somewhere nearby until she needs a lift home, then she'd like to spend some time with us until she wants a lift somewhere else. But of course she wants to see us and it's not the convenience of the car . Of course she could do it all on the bus, but as we're invited for lunch, we'll help out.

She wants to study History Horsemad. This final A level year flies by!

I text dd each night to say goodnight - and usually she replies.
We agreed last year we wouldn't go longer than 48 hours - just so's we know she hasn't been run over by a bus/ kidnapped/poisoned herself !
This year she has been more inclined to phone us for a chat than she was last year .

Haff, I also have two sons, one a second year undergrad and on in the sixth form.

I have set a habit that I Skype the elder one at the weekend. I prompt it by messaging him to see whether he is busy, either on Saturday or late Sunday morning usually. We then agree a rough time to suit. If we don't speak at the weekend then we do it on Monday or Tuesday as I don't work on those days.

I'm hoping it might become a lifelong habit. I do similar with my own parents. I know it sounds a bit regimented but we do text in between, and call if anything significant happens!

We have a family group chat on messenger which covers everything: term dates money and admin; DH swapping academic articles with DS; me swapping cute animal videos etc with DD (good article yesterday about an airline in Florida not allowing a woman take her companion squirrel on the plane) and other trivia. DS calls once a week, DD more often, usually when on the bus or something.

But last year was a lot of phone calls and trips down the M4 so I am sort of relishing my independence.

It certainly does fly by RedHelen

Re comms with DS2; I tend to message him every other day. He doesn't often contact us - only if there's a problem but he is very responsive when we initiate a conversation, unlike his big brother, who we hardly heard from when he was at uni.
Tonight DS2 & I had quite a chat - all via text but better than nothing!

We usually have a decent chat with DD once a week, more or less, with emails or texts as apt in between (e.g if I've snapped the dog being more ridiculous than usual or if DH has read about some new internet security hole). Over the summer when she was in somewhat non-ideal accommodation we did an nightly exchange of texts - often no more than an 'ok?' - 'yup'. But if she's at a loose end she'll have a long witter

It depends on the child. I don't remember my daughters often being touch but that was before people had smart phones

Ah 4 texts from one of mine.... I don't look at my mobile that often. I bought his twin a dinner jacket last year and now he wants one for an event which is fine. Actually now I think about it there was a call earlier in the week just before I went to bed - could I get off netflix (which I hardly ever go on - which again was not a problem)

I like to speak to them once a week perhaps not as formally as my parents did it - I had to go to a call box at the uniersity and called at something like 6pm each Sunday night for years but my daughter calls me twice a day every day and the other one much less, hardly ever. I just let the children decide on the whole. I always have far too much on so am not exactly sitting here crying into my pillow wanting more contact. I have rarely had a day in my life when I've had less contact from people than I want. and that includes clients, neighbours etc , all wnting me morning noon and night. Right bed time now...

Interesting variations in parent-dc contact norms. It seems I'm not too over-bearing hoping for perhaps a weekly chat with my lads.

Ironically, literally as I posted my grumbly post here, ds1 called me for a chat. I don't think he would bother to follow me on MN! We had a good long conversation although unfortunately mainly about him not enjoying his course. Then DH caved and called DS2 who was just setting off on another fancy dress pub crawl. So for now the Haffdonga ds's are all forgiven.

I agree, it just varies. At least you have spoken to yours now. I hope he gets more into his course.

I think speaking once a week is fair enough so I try to call my 3 sons about that amount although often no one will be there.

Mind you in my day we were sending letters too. I recently found almost exactly 1000 letters from the 1980s which we had sent between us as a family, usually several pages long and many between us all at university . We would sometimes send a letter to our parents to be forwarded to other family members at university too. It feels like a different age now.

When at home two chatty ones & two quiet ones.

However the chatty ones contact us a bit less when away, although still quite regularly (too busy chatting) and the quiet ones contact us more!

Have been lurking on here but no contributing. It is not just the boys. My dd yet to make contact so have not heard from her for a month. I have sent her a couple of texts and tried to call her but she never seems to answer her phone. Expect to see her at ds half term, even though it means missing going to an open day with him (we will go but not till after he will have had to put in application). I would like to know that she is ok, but she is famously independent.

One of mine texted the other day to say something very bad had happened. I obviously texted or emailed him right away imagining prison or near death. He'd lost a special key and said he'd made it sound bad so I would be relieved. It might cost £400, all the locks changed etc etc he feared, although I doubt it would be that bad, and I suppose if he doesn't find it he probably was hoping I might pay, being so relieved he was still alive. There is an appeal on facebook for it and it is attached to a homemade cardboard label which I make with pink legal string (you can always find our cases at airports as htey have these cardboard labels with pink string on them which obviously look bodged and home made but are pretty unusual and as I say to the children don't cost a penny whereas you have to buy proper key fobs etc).....

So they tend to be in touch when they need or want something which is fine by me. My mother daughter calls twice a day and has called me once already never mind about 4 emails.

Xenia - he thought by frightening you, it would encourage you to splash out on replacements . I love their logic.

It's good that it has an unusual key ring. Hopefully someone will recognise it. Has he put it on uni and local Facebook pages? I would have to remind my very trusting DD not to add her address to the post.

Name change here but I hope I can join you.
DS coming home for the weekend. Loving his course and working hard, as he always does, but realised he made a huge mistake in his choice of housemates for this year. It sounds awful so he's home for respite and so we can talk through options.
Last year he rang/ texted about once a week to say he was fine and happy. So far this term he's phoned very night often upset. He doesn't just need to toughen up btw.
Looking forward to seeing him and finding a way through.

Phizzog that sounds really hard for him. I hope you manage to sort something out.

Phizzog Your poor DS. Mine was in the same situation last year, in halls. It really negatively affected his mental health and (in my opinion) tainted his view of the whole university experience and resulted in him switching courses in a mistaken belief that he couldn't cope with his original choice. (I'm a name changer since then but posted about it a lot.) I know he would have enjoyed his original course if he hadn't been in such a negative state of mind and hadn't had such a total crisis of confidence.

He's in a lovely house this year, with considerate and friendly housemates a degree course that's way beneath his academic capabilities, but more fun, probably helps too and he's like a totally different person. He's like he was before he left last year and he seems genuinely happy again at last.

I really hope you and your DS can find a solution to his housemates nightmare ASAP. Anyone using the "he has to toughen up" line really has no clue how awful it can be to have your home be somewhere you dread going back to at the end of the day.

Thank you HSM and Mountain. He's never been anxious so it's been very difficult to hear him so upset and unhappy. Thankfully he loves his course and because it's so demanding he is working all day and into the evening in the library or in lectures rather than at 'home'. He says that way he's getting so much done but it can't be good for him in the long run. I'm glad he's coming home for the weekend so we can see how he is. We will get it sorted and it is a valuable life lesson but hard to live through. Good to hear your DS is settled this year Mountain.

I feel really lucky with dd1 as I wasn't expecting much contact but we text nearly every day and have a good chat at least once a week.