Fighting our way through 1st year uni (starting Sept 17)

[HSMMaCM]

Continuing the previous thread.

Exams, assessments, essays, etc.

Support, or lack of it.

Will they all get accommodation for next year and can they cook a balanced meal yet.

Two of mine are in the south, two in the north and my boiler has broken.

No hot water since Monday!

Rat update - dead rat found in the garden, argument with DH over carcass disposal, I say bag it and bin it, he's in favour of lobbing over the fence onto the railway line. Not sure today was the best day to revise food chains and toxin accumulation with DS2!

If the rat died because of rat poison, it mightn't be good for anything which scavenged it - so you're right, bag and bin.

Lovely weather here today, so we got DD away from her desk for a good walk. (According to her uni friends, 'going for a walk' is a very northern thing to do.). Nice loop in the Bolton abbey area, up the hill as well as along the river. Lots of grouse (grouses? Grice?) on't moor, and weirdly, a pair of Carolina wood ducks on the Wharfe.

Ono we also have a DS with strong views and have missed our heated topical and political discussions while he’s away - sometimes anyway!

Really concerned about my DS, he went back after Easter fortnight last Saturday saying that he would finish the year then have a think over summer about his options. He has not enjoyed university life, has not been eating regularly and has trouble sleeping.
He slept through his alarm and missed some lectures which is worrying. Whenever we talk he seems half asleep. At home he slept a lot the first week but was in a normal routine by the second week.
He says he's very tired, has headaches and has only managed to eat once a day since he went back to halls.
He has resisted asking for help from student services, but we got him to go twice and it wasn't very useful as he finds it hard to talk about his feelings.
He worked hard to get into a good course but is lonely and sad, hasn't made any friends even though he has joined clubs etc.
He doesn't drink alcohol so doesn't want to go out drinking. His kitchen mates are loud and drink a lot so he avoids the kitchen until it's empty.
He has lost all confidence and seems overwhelmed by how busy it is. I don't know what to do, is it better to try and finish the year, he has 8 weeks left or does it sound like he is in danger of slipping into depression?

Laundryelf that sounds really difficult. Is he near enough for you to visit once a week?

Oh gosh Laundryelf. Did he eat well at home? Does he have friends at home/had friends at school? Is he in contact with them? How very worrying for you.

Another one here with a DD with strong views. In line with ours, but a bit different to her grandparents

Unfortunately DS is six hours away from home so difficult to visit often. He ate well at home but I was doing the Mum thing of cooking his favourite meals and snacks, encouraged him to eat more regularly.
I just didn't expect him to have such a hard time. He had a small but close set of friends during A levels but no one he knows is at his uni. His friends are on a different holiday schedule and he hasn't had much contact since he went to uni.

I would say if he can get through this last bit to complete Yr1, then do so.
Do you speak to him daily when he's away? That might just help coax him through it, although ultimately nothing is worth making yourself ill over and if he feels he can't do it then get him home and let him regroup.

Can he apply to a uni nearer home - within travelling distance if he wants to continue studying?

I'm thinking that completing the year is worth a go but not if he real can't cope. I had the same problem during my degree and managed to get through which was a real boost for me but his mental health is moRe important.

I'm another with a student hotel, no partying here as she isn't the type but when I complained about the lack of help she said she'd washed up once

Does he have a raft of exams before he finishes? If he could finish the year, that would be ideal, but not at the expense of his MH. Does he enjoy his course?

I agree that if he could complete the year and then restart somewhere else either near or living at home, that might work? If not, take a year out and decide what to do next?

Really sorry to hear that your Ds hasn't been too happy this year laundryelf. I think deciding whether to finish the year depends a bit on how he feels about the somewhat extra pressure of the end of year exams. If it's mainly socially that it hasn't worked out how he hoped but course has been reasonably OK then finishing the year could be worthwhile. If on the other hand he has already felt the pressures of the course as well ( you said he had found things busier than he expected) then I'd feel it's important he at least knows he has the option to come home. My bottom line for my teenagers is they can always come home if it's not working out/ they need to.

Yes that's a critically important bottom line Juggling, it's mine too. Very sorry to hear your description of your DS's situation laundryelf - if he can possibly get through to the end of the year that might help him feel better about stuff in the long run, once this miserable low has passed.

Laundryelf Do you think your DS could be persuaded to go to his GP? Could he get a leave of absence from uni classes with access to lecture notes etc and come home to gather his strength for a bit perhaps?

DS is still home for easter. I had a wee private giggle when he was making an omelette and asked if we had any rosemary as he was previously very suspicious of 'herbs'.

Dingit re accommodation, where is your DC studying?

Your poor ds Laundryelf. He does sound as if he could be depressed. (The sleep issues and social anxiety are both pointers.) I'd agree that a GP visit would be sensible even if just to get a documented note on his file that he's not well (useful if he needs any dispensation down the line with extensions or attendance records).

Well done to him for going back. He's so close to the end of the year now that if he can manage it, it sounds sensible to do his exams and perhaps rethink over summer. I expect this term will be much less 'busy' than the first two as freshers excitement is well and truly over and reality hits for everyone as exams loom.

Can you support him by phoning each morning to get him up? My friend's ds was in a similar situation and she ended up on the phone talking him through getting up, getting dressed and down to a local cafe for breakfast each morning to help him face the day.

Has your ds got accommodation planned for next year?

Also, it's worth him speaking to his tutor as if he wants to go for mitigating circumstances with the exams it needs to be done before the exams. I did that when I was at university, it turned out I didn't need it (probably because I relaxed a bit more about the exams having filed the paperwork).

It sounds like a good idea to see the GP but if possible carry on to finish this year.

My two seem okay so far and go back on Sunday.

DD is looking at a place for next year tomorrow.

She's back for her end of year stuff at the weekend.

How's your ds doing laundryelf...?

One of mine had someone leave from their house share for Sept but they seem to have found someone lovely right away so no problems.

Good luck to those looking for accommodation.

Gosh, it isn't easy being a parent, is it? Really sorry to hear about your DS Laundryelf. It does sound like he may be depressed, but most of all he seems to lack a group of like-minded individuals he could call friends, which is seriously demoralising when you think of all the hype surrounding uni life. It would be a shame to give up now, but as others have said it sounds as though he would benefit from being closer to home, where help will be available without him having to ask for it.
My DD is also teetotal and avoids social occasions involving alcohol. I had hoped that she would loosen up a bit but it hasn't happened. She seems to have made friends with social misfits who don't help bolster her lack of self confidence. They seem nice enough, though.

When they move out of halls in the summer, how the heck are they supposed to pay their rent over the summer when they don't get the next maintenance payment until autumn term?

DD is really struggling and our mortgage is going up instead of down.

HSMMaCM - That is a difficult situation. Is she going to be working over the summer?

DS has a different problem. Where he is, it's expected that students don't arrange housing until towards the end of the summer break (unless they're staying in their university city for the summer) and his friends are all totally fine with last minute panic renting of somewhere grotty to save wasting money, but he's like me and hates uncertainty, so that's difficult for him.

Mine both have to start standing orders from July. My parents had similar issue when I went as I got just about no maintenance grant and in those days there were not even loans. At least these days there are loans available.

The situation seems to be different everywhere. My DD has a house organised with 4 others. One has already dropped out of the share as her progress to 2nd year has been thrown into doubt. A replacement has been found, though DD doesn't really know the guy. She has told me that they don't have to pay until they move in in Sept, but seems oblivious to the fact that the money will have to come from somewhere before her loan has been paid. When I was at uni we had to pay 50% rent over the summer as a retainer. I will wait until she asks before offering to cover any cost.