I really don't want to return to University

[ReluctanceToLeave]

The title says it all really :( I'm a first year student at University. I've had a really long break, I've been back since early December. I knew I wasn't enjoying myself at uni before I left for Christmas, the happiest I had felt in months was preparing to leave and finally getting on that train back home! Now it is a few days until I have to go back, and it sounds really silly, but I am dreading it. I've loved having the long christmas break, however it has only highlighted how unhappy I was at uni.
I just wanted some advice on how to get through going back. Did any of you ever feel like this? Are you dealing with anything similar with your own sons and daughters? (I feel like I'm the only one not having a ball at uni!) Many thanks if any of you read this and respond. X

And do not let your family force you into a route that you do not want! I do not know if this is the case with you, but I have known folk struggle through degree courses because it was what their family wanted, rather than what they wanted.

@upshltcreek your daughter sounds exactly like me! There was one weekend when my flat mate visited home and I didn't talk to anyone from Friday afternoon when she left to Monday afternoon when she came back. I will definitely pm you later once I have thought of some good questions

@mishappening thank you for your good advice, tbh my family would love me to get a degree as it's something they don't have. Your advice about being yourself is especially good. I know it sounds really cringe and cliché, however I was a shadow of my former self last term at university. As I posted earlier, I'm shy and boring at university, people probably think I'm overly serious when all I want is a good set of friends. Also, I just can't seem to stand up to my room mate. I just say 'that's ok' , when inside, I feel angry at what she's done or used. I definitely need to say what I'm thinking and hopefully that'll make things better if I don't get the opportunity to swap rooms, but I know I'll go back and be a complete pushover by this time next week

I remember my dd saying to me, if I died then no one would even notice I was gone for days and that was the point that she hit rock bottom. One of her flat mates tried to pay my dd to do her cleaning! The kitchen was such a mess that she was too embarrassed to bring anyone back and the faster she cleaned it, the more mess they made. I don't want to project my dd's experiences into you but I just want you to know that what you are going through is not as unusual as people seem to think it is, I know the pressure and expectation that University years are supposed to be the best years of your life and you're not doing it right if you're not partying every night! Sadly it is not like this for everybody and I think not enjoying University is something that needs to be spoken about and acknowledged more x

Oh and I also agree about the not being able to say no, dd's food and drink was regularly taken and eaten out of the fridge and dd would just tell them that It was ok as she didn't want to rock the boat even though they had potentially left her with nothing to eat!

My ds1 has just decided he’s not going back next week. He’s been so unhappy, it’s just not worth making himself ill and stress about it, he does suffer anxiety anyway so it’s made him worse not enjoying course. He only managed 1 week in halls as he doesn’t drink or party and they were all doing that, freshers week really affected him! (He’s been commuting scince then as we’re about an hour away)
Anyway.. he emailed his personal tutor and he’s going in to uni Monday to discuss swapping courses and starting a different degree (at same uni) in sept. Hopefully they will let him intercalate (I think is the word) till sept (if he can do the course he wants to do)

If your on fb there’s a brilliant group called WIWIK about university / what I wish I knew about university. It has a lot of mumsnetters Who are mums of students on there and also students who can give so much advice. It’s a closed group so you have to ask to join (I’m not currently on fb so can’t add you but they will).

I swapped degrees after my first year and so glad I did as I hated it. I’d never have finished it. I moved uni’s too. A student at ds1’s Uni is currently missing and she suffered from depression and anxiety. This has been on my mind while ds1 has told me how he’s feeling. I just think if your not happy, don’t go. It’s not worth making yourself ill / stressed over.

@Poppiesway1. Thank you for your advice, and I hope your son's anxiety improves and he becomes happier. Yes, I hated freshers week as well. Even worse, there is a second freshers week when we go back...called Refreshers week 😭
that's awful about the missing student, I think I know which case you mean as it has been on the local news, hopefully they are found safe and well very soon.

@upshltcreek sounds like your daughter and I could be the same person. Im just incapable of standing up to them as I don't want to cause aggro. I really need to learn how to say no and become more confident in myself at university. If my school friends saw me up there allowing these things, I'm sure they'd be shocked and surprised as I'm usually a confident person when you get to know me.

I was not a party person at university at all. I hated freshers week and all that went with it. I stuck it out for three very miserable years at a university far away from home doing a degree that was not what I'd expected it to be. It has always been a big regret for me that I didn't grasp the nettle, take a year out, reassess and go back to a university closer to home so that I could dip in and out of the social side of things. It led to a significant period of depression and anxiety and I spent almost a year in counselling. I'd recommend trusting your gut instinct and explore changing at the very least your accommodation. Good luck and well done for not ignoring the feelings you are having - I think it takes bravery to say, hang on, this isn't working.

Can I ask which university you are at?

@Corneliasedet. I will pm you about which uni I'm at, as I'm in quite a unique accomadation situation I don't want my room mate to find this thread and recognise herself in it (even though it would probably make her behave better!)

Sounds like you're just not enjoying the accommodation, so get yourself moved to a different accommodation setting, perhaps with mature students if there are some in halls or a less party environment your accommodation office and personal tutor would help I'm sure - don't give up a degree lightly as it'll be something you'll use for your life - good luck

I am sorry you are going through this. It's actually very common. My DCs decided not to go to university because they didn't know what course to do. They are doing other courses in the meantime.

Of their friends who went to university I can't tell you how many dropped out in the first semester. It's the best kept secret in universities. Trust me not everyone is having a ball.

Hopefully the accommodation office can sort things for you. Your room mate sounds absolutely awful. I would also advise you to chat to the SU welfare officers who can be great. They can suggest clubs or societies or voluntary opportunities that you might like.

Try not to worry about second year now. You can probably rent a room in a shared house off campus next year. So long as you enjoy your course stick with it. Easter is very early this year so it won't be long before you have another break.

If you absolutely hate your course have a chat with your course director. This might not be the course for you. University will always be there and you can go back. Some courses are starting to be delivered online only and this might suit you better. Search for virtual campuses.

Remember not everyone has to go to university. The civil service and other organisations run apprentice schemes and the feedback is great and if this interests you, you should check them out.

You might find an Erasmus course that interests you and you could maybe spend some time in a different country and make friends too.

I hope I've been of help. Not everyone loves being away from home and lots of people are home birds at heart. If you feel lonely, worried, anxious etc go and see Student Support or have a chat with your doctor.

Big gangs at university can look like they are enjoying themselves but it is often not the case. They can sometimes just cling together because they are frightened of being seen to be a 'loner' with no friends. Often trying to fit into a group can be a very lonely experience.

I hope things improve, let us know how you get on.

Reluctance, don't fret about your room mate you're just different people that's all, it's not a slur on either of you, you're just different and that's fine just you're also incompatible so best to just take the bull by the horns and move on, no hard feelings

Upshitcreek* I agree with you entirely. The misconception that university is a complete ball needs to stop. It is simply not true for a lot of students. It can be bad enough without the added nonsense that you should be having the time of your life.

Students are often not ready to leave home and their health can suffer very badly.

This aspect is played down hugely as student fees and loans are a MASSIVE money spinner for the government.

@CountdowntoSanta thank you for your advice, yep I definitely think I'm a home bird at heart! Yes I'm quite worried I will just start crying when I explain about my room mate to my personal supervisor.

Yes I'm not one for faking it, and I don't see why I should waste my time and money going out and pretending to enjoy clubbing. I made an effort to go out a few times in freshers and I found it awful. I don't see the point of wasting my time and energy doing something I don't want to. But I also feel like they treat me like a two year old, one even congratulated me on leaving my room. I leave my room all the time, instead I do stuff by myself in the centre of where my uni is based.

Yes in response to your previous post, I was just expecting so much more from uni. Everyone prior to going told me it would be the time of my life, unmissable, the best! All my friends seem to be having fun as well which makes me feel even more in a strange situation.

Hi OP just came on to say that it might be worth ringing your Uni accommodation office before going back as space might have become available through other students dropping out up to Christmas. They might be able to let you have single accommodation from when you return back. Also, have you considered getting involved with your Student Union? They usually have lots of clubs and societies to get involved in and they won't all be about partying, there will be all sorts of things, plus volunteering opportunities etc too. They will also have a student adviser who you can go and speak to who will completely understand how you're feeling - it really isn't as unusual as you think to feel like a fish out of water.
Lastly? Don't worry yet about next year's accommodation - people will already be worrying and signing up for accommodation now but it really is too early in January as things (like friendship groups) are still forming.
I was an SU adviser and we spent lots of time dissuading students from rushing into accommodation too early.
Feel free to PM me if you want to 😊

I don’t have time to respond fully right now but this whole thing could have been written by my daughter last year.

Quick reply- she left, got a well paid apprenticeship in a different field to her uni course (but one she definitely decided she wanted to be in) and is starting uni this year whilst at work (a sort of open uni course, well, internet based) she has never been happier. And neither have I. Best decision she ever made.

I will fill in details later if you like.

Pa I am not suggesting you do this, I just have a positive story of someone leaving uni is all.

@SilentBob. Yes I'd love to hear the details when you have time, glad leaving uni worked out well or your daughter.

PM'd you back Reluctance

Your situation eerily echoes mine from a few years ago OP. I had a shared room, which I couldn't swap out of, wasn't really that enamoured with my course, didn't click with the majority of people in my halls. I made one good friend who I am still in touch with but I don't talk to any of the other people I met while I was there. I ended up dropping out in my second year as I ended up in a flat with two girls and my friend, the girls were so horrid my friend moved out, and I followed shortly after as the atmosphere was unpleasant to live in. Once I had moved out they refused to return my deposit (it was in a scheme but was released to the head tenant who wouldn't return it to me out of spite) I had a really bad time with my mental health for a long while, but getting a job in a bar and working really helped me pick myself back up again. Now I have a 15 month old daughter and I am returning to finish my degree in September. I was doing a degree because my parents wanted me to, not because it was something I really wanted to do in the first place, but I recognised the boost it gives you on the jobs market, it gives you more choice essentially. Now I have my DD I have the motivation to get through and finish so I can have that leg up on the career front that I wouldn't have if I didn't finish the degree.

Maybe try to change your accommodation, that may well change how you feel about uni in general and if that doesn't work out and you have to change direction don't beat yourself up about it. You can take time out from your degree, change to another uni or another course when you are more sure of what it is you want to do. I can have up to 5 years break during my degree, I've had almost 3 years now, it's been a good time for me to get myself into the right frame of mind. Definitely talk to your personal tutor about how you are feeling too.

@silkypyjamasallday yes, your situation does sound a lot like mine...I wonder if you went to the same university as me - I don't know many places that still make students occasionally share rooms!
Yes my parents really want me to do this degree, as they didn't have the opportunity themselves. As others have advised on here, I will definitely speak to accommodation, however in order to move rooms you have to find an occupant for your current room. I think that will be very difficult as not many people want to share, but I will stress how unhappy it is making me feel to the team and my personal supervisor.

Reluctance speak to Student Support before you go to Accommodation. It will add extra weight to your request. If you haven't time to see them before you return them give them a ring.

Don't be scared of crying in front of anyone at the university. They see it every single day.

It sounds like the accommodation is an issue and not the course or area.

Fix that and see how you feel about quitting then