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Higher education

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Original poster

We've survived the first half term - go us! (starting uni 2017)

928 replies

flyingpigsinclover · 26/10/2017 17:29

New thread....we've got to the first half term!

OP posts:
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5
Eve · 08/12/2017 11:13

Postcard arrived st home for DS from the uni accommodation team saying don't worry about booking anything til after Jan exams.

lazydog · 08/12/2017 21:12

Urghhh... It's kicking off like a bloody soap opera plot at DS's uni, right in the end of semester exam period. I really hope DS doesn't let it affect his concentration too much Sad

Long story, sorry. DS1's closest friend went to the same uni as him. But kind of under protest. He is a total lazy arse, who didn't want to work after leaving high school, but didn't want to continue to study either, so his mum pushed him into going to university. He's intelligent enough. It was a mistake, in hindsight, but it's purely her financial hit - she's funding him 100%.

Now he has hatched an unfathomably immature and callous plan to quit university, but without actually telling her. He's getting her to fetch him home for Christmas (a 6hr round trip, bringing all his stuff home under some ruse of having to empty out his room in halls for maintenance/repairs) and then plans to leave home at some point during the holidays, while she's out of the house, and without telling her where he's gone, and move in with druggy loser local friends... Shock Angry

DS has worked for this lad's mum over several summers, alongside his friend, in their family business, so he knows her very well, likes her a lot, and knows that she loves his friend (who is her only child and she's a young widow!)

She is a genuinely really nice person, but his friend claims she "hates him". She really doesn't. He is spoilt rotten and doesn't appreciate or respect her.

DS is now reeling to find out that someone he thought was a decent person could be so cruel. She's going to be devastated and so unbelievably hurt.

He cannot talk his "friend" around at all. His friend has just not bothered to turn up for his end of semester exams, so I don't think he's bluffing, and neither does DS, who has known him for 7 or 8 years now.

If it's some sort of breakdown, which I guess is possible, it's one where he doesn't seem stressed at all and is still laughing and joking and acting as if he's 100% fine, whereas DS is soooo stressed out and angry at him. He's no problem with his friend dropping out, and has told his friend that he should just tell his mum the truth, and she'd probably be disappointed at him not giving it a real try, but get over it eventually, but it's as though he's trying to do this in the most destructive way possible.

And I'm feeling guilty about knowing all this and not warning her, but it's not so my place and DS has told me in strict confidence... Sad

HSMMaCM · 08/12/2017 21:18

LazyDog that's awful. I have to say, as a parent, I would like to be forewarned. I think I would say to DD that I was sorry, but not all confidences can be kept and if need to say something.

lazydog · 08/12/2017 21:42

HSMMaCM - I get what you mean, and I would definitely think the same if they were younger, still at school, but I don't think it's my place to snitch on an adult albeit not mentally university student, and DS1 might then be reluctant to tell me important stuff in future.

Besides - what if he changes his mind and bottles out of his stupid plan - I'd have upset her for nothing?

And there's an added complication of a bit of a communication barrier, as English is not her first language...so the conversation would be a nightmare... Plus I'm a total coward Sad

HSMMaCM · 08/12/2017 22:11

LazyDog - ah yes - I keep forgetting they're adults Grin

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/12/2017 22:34

Bloody hell lazydog what a nightmare!

I worry about everyone so I'd probably have to say something to the Mum, maybe some kind of hint that the lad may have been finding things difficult?

Good luck to you all x

lazydog · 09/12/2017 00:06

Juggling - Thanks for the good luck wishes. DS will be ok course wise, I know, as he's done well thoughout the semester and these exams are worth no more than 30% of his total, so he wouldn't fail even if he does flunk them, but I'm worried about the stress kicking off his anxiety again. I think it's mainly manifesting as anger, so hopefully that's more manageable for him than if he was feeling depressed about losing his friend? Who knows? I expect his emotions will shift around a lot...

She'd see straight through any hint like that because we've never randomly chatted about stuff. We just exchange very short pleasantries if/when I pick up DS, or she collects her DS from ours. I'm not one for making friends small talk at the best of times, so the fact that I struggle to understand quite a bit of what she says has made it so she's definitely more of an acquaintence than a friend. I feel bad about that now too. If he does do what he's planning (I guess even if he doesn't?) I definitely need to make more of an effort to get to know her. She has other friends, but I would like to help support her too, if she wanted that. I'd have to permanently deny all prior knowledge if it does kick off, I guess...

Blogwoman · 09/12/2017 00:18

What a difficult situation lazydog. Hopefully your DS will be ok... My DD has just had her best friend from school, who started at the same uni together with her this term, drop out really unexpectedly. She will really miss her but it has also made her reflect on the fact that she has actually made some nice friends there and got stuck in and joined things.
That poor Mum...

simbobs · 09/12/2017 18:35

I've just rejoined this discussion after losing track for a bit. Oh, Lazydog what an awful story! The son sounds like a lazy, ungrateful, selfish toerag, and very immature to boot. I do not know what I would do in your situation (probably the wrong thing) but if all does go as you described she may want to distance herself from someone whose DS was succeeding where hers had failed iyswim. She may be better off getting support from other people. Does she have friends of her own ethnicity? I would be itching to tell her, as I would want to know if it were me, but I do understand what you mean about breaking a confidence. Your DS is better off without this person in his life and on his conscience.

On another subject my DD has found next year's accommodation and asked us to be guarantors, though we have not been asked to sign anything yet. She will be back by this time next week DH is picking her up, along with one of her friends who doesn't live far away. I am rather hoping that her parents will offer to do the other leg, or that she will actually use her railcard for once, as it is quite a long way.

HSMMaCM · 09/12/2017 18:58

SimBobs we are bringing someone else home and I suspect we will be taking them both back again (even though they could get the train).

Horsemad · 09/12/2017 19:13

DS is coming back a week today. I am a bit concerned as he's off out on the Fri night and he needs to get up early next day to catch the train Shock

He is playing in a footy match, so if he misses it/falls asleep and ends up in London, it may be tricky...

RedHelenB · 09/12/2017 19:36

Dd the same I think Horsemad!

Horsemad · 09/12/2017 19:38

I'll be giving him an alarm call and ringing him on the train! Grin

extinctspecies · 09/12/2017 19:46

DS is home!

He just said, "God you know you're home when your Mum is cooking kale for dinner".

He's been living on raw carrots and an apple a day for 2 months.

LineysRunner · 09/12/2017 21:06

DS is home too, just now. He's lost weight. But he's ok.

BehindTheBlueDoor · 09/12/2017 23:12

Great to see some are already home and passing comment on the recipe choices Smile. Like Horsemad and RedHelen we have another week to go. So looking forward to seeing DS for first time since the beginning of October. Asked him what he was most looking forward to and was told "Not having to wash up"......Might get him some Christmas Fairy liquid for his stocking!
Enjoy being back together all those with DC home already and safe journeys for all those making the trips home in the next week or so.

BestIsWest · 09/12/2017 23:36

DS popped home for a night as he was going to a concert (he’s only 50 miles away). He’s lost weight too. It’s only a couple of weeks since he was last home but I was a bit shocked seeing him last night. Am a bit concerned.

He breaks up this week so we’ll be collecting him next Saturday. Will be giving him extra rations over Christmas.

eatyourveg · 10/12/2017 08:39

ds surprised us all by catching an early train - wasn't expecting him until 10pm as he had sold us a story about doing an assessment for a coaching badge - he walked in with ds1 at lunchtime all wrapped up I had assumed ds1had brought a friend home - only when he took off his hat and scarf and stood there grinning did I recognise him - I couldn't stop crying - not seen him since the start of September. He's grown a beard (coming off today apparently) cut his hair much shorter and has lost some weight but is happy, as are we all - all the dc under the same roof is a luxury these days

Creature2017 · 10/12/2017 08:52

aim, I refyused to guarantee but offered a year's rent instead. Son said there are no choices and I was being mean. He is using his father instead. He put his name down without asking him but then texted and his father agreed so that's fine . I pay and his father is the back up guarantor. I just am not prepared to guantee £41,000 which is the rent for 7 for the year if the other 6 die and their parents go bankrupt. I think the other one has also found somewhere as I had to send his passport too this week by special delivery and thankfully it arrived safely (they need to bring them back for Christmas we are going abroad and I have said if they don't they won't be coming on holiday). One friend my son said has lost his passport in the post when his parents sent it for the letting contract ID (I suspect that was not sent by special delivery).

One of mine may come back on Tuesday. The other has lectures all next week.

(Lazydog I would tell the mother in confidence and say you cannot be sure it's true and it's third hand but she might want to know and leave it at that).

Auntpetunia2015 · 10/12/2017 09:15

I keep loosing you all. Had a fleeting visit today from DS who came home for all of 40 mins and then went out with friends...someone was 21! He was v good though and had originally planned on staying here overnight but the threat of snow made him catch the last bus back, it takes about an hour so not too bad. And typically we have no snow at all so he could have stayed here and had Sunday lunch ...gutted!
Anyway he’s home next Friday night. Enjoy spoiling them those of you who’ve got them home already

Needmoresleep · 10/12/2017 10:09

Lazy, my threepennyworth is that there is nothing you can do or say to the mum. The boy is rebelling and her knowing in advance might make it worse. The best way to support her is to remain detached, but perhaps gently offer support and a listening ear if it all kicks off as if you have only just heard from your son that her son has dropped out.

Your however, could ease his conscience by having a constructive conversation with his friend now. Essentially he should not blow his own future by rebelling against his mum. And whilst he might year for more independence, deep down he does not want to break his mums heart. He is proposing a cowards approach. Instead the boy should speak to student support and have his place deferred for a year. Then he should maker a wish list of things he might like to do, like work abroad. Better than returning home and hiding. Then he can decide whether he wants to go back to the same university and/or same course or whether he needs more time out before he decides what he wants to do.

At DCs very academic school there was a fair amount of directed parenting, with not always happy results. Space away from parents with a chance to establish independence seemed to work better than escaping via drugs or non-compliance.

simbobs · 10/12/2017 11:40

Sound advice, providing that the real reason underlying this lad's decision isn't that he just cannot cope with the work. At my DD's uni you can anonymously report someone to Student Support if you have a concern about them, thereby clearing your conscience and passing the buck. Is something like that available?

CautionTape · 10/12/2017 18:51

Hello all.

I name changed to avoid a stalker Hmm. Both my DC are home!!!

Pale, tired, spotty, thin ... but so so happy. A great first term.
Lots of friends made, much partying done.
DD is sorted with a house for next year. Contract signed and deposit paid.
DS will stay in college.

Marks seem solid ( so they say ).

A month at home now and deep snow here! How weird that the first term is over.

CautionTape · 10/12/2017 18:58

Oh and yes, another one here agreeing that there will always be places in houses.

DD and her friends have signed up on the proviso that if any of them don't take the place for whatever reason ( one boy has applied for a prestigious place in the US, DD has an audition for a part - both unlikely to come through but if they do a place will be open) the place will be rented out to someone else.

bigTillyMint · 10/12/2017 19:37

I agree with the advice - best to keep out of it unless the boy looks to you for advice, especially if you dont know the mum well.

DD enjoyed her "Formal" and paced herself so she was in a fit state to cook the main course for their Christmas dinner today. What has happened to my little girl? Grin