I am feeling really unhappy at uni - advice please

[CandyPlum]

Hello,
This is my first post on here, and I just wanted advice on what to do/how I am feeling. I started at my university a month ago now, after being accepted through clearing. I didn't get accepted into my first choice after dropping a grade in a subject, despite exceeding the offer grades in two other subjects. I'd never visited the university I am studying at before coming here.
To add some background, I never really knew what I wanted to study at university however, the whole idea of going to university was pushed by my grammar school. As a result I settled on a subject eventually, not that I am keen or have a passion for any single subject. My parents also wanted me to go to university, since they never had the opportunity and believed I would be wasting myself if I just got a job.
Now I am here, I'm really not enjoying myself. I don't really like going clubbing and drinking lots, so I haven't made any really good friends yet. I only really talk to my roommate and a few people on my Subject course, and it seems all of the social activities are based on drinking. I know this isn't for me, and I'm feeling rather lonely and unhappy. I never thought I would have trouble making friends, as I had a lot of good friends in secondary school. I'm naturally a shy person, however, when I get to know people I am confident and outgoing. Am I coming off as cold, when in fact I am shy? I went out clubbing the first few nights however, I just felt so awkward and out of place, especially as I don't really drink much.
I'm also struggling with the work, something I believe stems from the fact I have no burning interest in the subject.

As well as this, I feel like I am buying unnecessary things at the weekend, perhaps in order to cheer myself up. I only end up feeling guilty after this.

Sorry for the rambling paragraphs, but I just wanted advice from mothers. Is it necessary to get a degree? Would you feel disappointed in your child if they dropped out? How long do you believe I should give the course? Do you know of any good alternatives to university, or is a degree a necessary evil? Did any of you feel like this when you were at university? How did things turn out? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, and I would be grateful for any advice. Feel free to ask any questions.

I understand your idea that the masters degree is the new bachelors degree. I feel like it's necessary for me to get a degree to get anywhere in life...from my school I've seen so many power points encouraging us to get a degree, I feel like I need one

I think this is true to some extent but I really do think the tide is turning and this logic off needing a degree is being questioned.

TBH, I wouldn't put too much stock in presentations you've seen at school. Schools get measured on how many of their students go to university and universities are desperate to fill their places. So, you'll get it from all angles that university is the right thing to do. But, it's not right for everyone and 18 isn't the right age for everyone. You might feel better about university if you went when you were 25 or 30 or 40.

Sometimes I think it would've been better for me to have taken a year out and worked/travelled, but I'll give the situation I'm in the best shot for the moment

You could take a year out between your first and second year. Your department would need to put a concession in place but if you felt you wanted/needed to do this, talk to them about it. Every year students do this. You might need a doctors note to say university is negatively impacting your mental health.

Have you thought about a year abroad? I know it sounds strange and a bit radical but it'd give you the chance to change scenery. A lot of foreign universities don't have the same drinking culture as the UK. Plus, you'll be lumped in with other visiting students who all tend to be the most studious and least rowdy bunch. A student of mine last year was in a similar situation to you and went to China between her first and second year. She loved every minute of it and came back to the UK refreshed and with a new found sense of purpose.

Is it necessary to get a degree?

No. And even if you need a degree for a career you can do distance learning, part time or an apprenticeship

Would you feel disappointed in your child if they dropped out?

I don't have children, my parents would have been disappointed but then they always were, I'm not the child they planned to have.

How long do you believe I should give the course?

Start by talking to your personal tutor and uni counselor - they can help you with this, there is no wrong answer.

Do you know of any good alternatives to university, or is a degree a necessary evil?

Yep, apprenticeships or just working at something you love. Or just any old job until you decide what you want.

Did any of you feel like this when you were at university?

Nope, but I didn't go until I was 32. One of my uni friends dropped out but went to a different uni about 4 years later.

How did things turn out? Everyone's life has a different story, you don't have to follow the same path.

rom my school I've seen so many power points encouraging us to get a degree, I feel like I need one

they can already put on their website the % of students who have gone on to HE.

A mum sending you loads of virtual hugs here ....

Firstly, well done on fantastic A levels, to be really proud of.

If you were mine (and I've 2 about to go through all this), I'd want to know NOW how you're feeling and help you through it. Don't wait until they're due to visit in a few weeks. Talking this through & breaking down exactly what the issues are, will help no end, I'm sure.

I'd definitely set a target of minimum Christmas to review & set mini-targets e.g. I'll take up this new activity starting on x; chase up y society to see when first meeting will be (you could even volunteer to get things moving if they're short on hands). List out the positives of your degree course (including employability) and what's making it painful - can any of the negatives be turned around or even tolerated (remembering that no degree course is 100% perfect, no matter what people tell you!).

Social scene & drinking culture - I feel for you - hearing this more and more as being an issue (and it was bad enough in my dinosaur days of the '80s). Only way through this I think is finding sporting/ musical/ drama/ whatever clubs, where the focus is on 'doing' something. One of my DDs sounds very like you so this is close to my heart. Bottom line is that there will be likeminded people wherever you are, you may just to have work at finding them .

Also, remember that at least some of those getting trolleyed regularly are adjusting to life away from home (whether it be new found freedom, loneliness, peer pressure etc) - those that calm down over the next few weeks/ months could turn out to be great friends, you never know.

Finally, in my ultra-competitive N London area, where everyone 'simply has to' go to uni, it's astonishing how many change courses/ change unis within the first 12 months. Doesn't get talked about much, but it's a reality. Which means that if reapplying elsewhere for a different course is right for you, you're certainly not unusual.

Is there a pastoral team you could talk to on site? They may come up with some options.

As hard as it may feel, try and see this as yet another step along the way. Uni can seem an end in itself and it simply isn't.

You've been so brave acknowledging things aren't right, this will get sorted, I know it. If you were my DD, I'd be a very proud mum xx

I think lots of the northern unis (and we live near a couple) have a reputation as being party-central- but there are loads of people who are not interested in that scene.
DD1 is not really a clubber, she found her people in the drama societies. You may not be a performer but there are also lots of others involved who design costumes, do the art work for programmes and posters, take photos, set design or other techy stuff, that might appeal to your artistic side.

voluntary teaching sounds a great idea. Also why not get a partyime job at the Uni or iff campus? My dd also found uni life very hard and lonely but did this in her second term and it made all the difference as it filled the time, gave her more money and got to know other people, even though none of them became close friends. The job, which she did for the whole three years also was very helpful to getting work after she graduated. I would advise you to see how you feel at Christmas before you make any decisions.

@jaguar67
Thank you so much for your advice 😊I know that I will definitely wait until at least Christmas to see how I feel, as I don't want to drop out now and regret not giving it a proper go/waiting for things to calm down what with freshers etc. Yes, tthere is a pastoral team onsite, but as I said earlier, I have heard of people on my floor with quite serious problems. I think I'd rather wait until this initial few weeks is over, talk it through with my parents first and make a plan and if I still feel this way by Christmas, I'll definitely approach them and ask for their advice. Hopefully I won't feel that way after joining societies though and having had more time to settle in. The idea of making goals to complete is really helpful and I'll definitely follow that.

Also, I have applied for a part time job. Haven't heard back from them yet, but fingers crossed 😊

I think it is too easy to apply for a subject you study at A level without giving other subjects much thought. As you were good at English Lit, I can see why everyone thought it was a no-brainer to do it. It was poor advice not to visit the university though. Northern Universities, especially Newcastle, attract the good time students. Others "up North" are not far behind. You don't have to join in and going to societies is a good idea and there must be people like you on your course, surely?

I cannot see how an apprenticeship would help if you don't know what you want to do. Your hobbies are fairly standard but don't include volunteering, for example. An English Lit degree gives you time to think about what you might want to do. It's not training for a job so see where volunteering takes you regarding widening your interests that may then widen your views on employment. Getting a job can help but it may not be rewarding in terms of broadening your horizons. What about Social Work?

For my DSis, who has an Eng Lit degree, it was Occupational Therapy. This would really suit you with your Art A level and is a degree these days. You could possibly leave the Eng Lit degree and apply for OT for next year. Sheffield Hallam definitely do OT. No doubt there are other courses. Salford used to do it. Haven't checked recently.

I would start looking around to see what you could do. Friends of my DD with English Lit degrees have not always been able to do what they wanted to, and that includes one with a degree from Cambridge who wanted to be a screen writer. A whole range of jobs are open to you with English but if you end up not liking the course, then definitely look at OT.

My ds is six weeks into his degree and hates it. Loathes it. I can't see him staying.

The social issues seem bit but it’s early days can be resolved, there will be people to be friends with where you are, you just need to find them.

The main issue IMO is whether you’re studying a subject you enjoy enough to see through and get a decent class of degree. If you’re unsure of this, and have a safety net from your family, quitting might be best.

Have you investigated the financial consequences of quitting, and any differences if you quit now vs at Christmas?

Would your parents let you live at home rent free should you decide to quit?

“Secretarial college” seems an extreme choice given your good grades.

Many of us haven’t found the answer to career dilemmas. You are young enough to pause to reflect.

Parental disapproval shouldn’t factor into your decision making, but parental financial and practical support might.

I love reading, walking, painting and shopping
I think it would help to explore these more, eg what is it about walking you like? Is it the exercise aspect or the environment aspect? Then once you've narrowed it down you could look at the specific areas of interest and see if there's a free taster course online with MOOC or Coursera.

Did anyone else feel directionless at my age? Did you eventually find your passion?
Yes because, like you, I didn't have a passion. So I left school and fell into a career (which I thankfully really enjoyed), stayed there for 14 years, then went self employed (in something completely different) and from doing a free online taster course with MOOC found a subject I'm interested enough in to do a degree. I'm now in my 3rd year and am enjoying it.