I am feeling really unhappy at uni - advice please

[CandyPlum]

Hello,
This is my first post on here, and I just wanted advice on what to do/how I am feeling. I started at my university a month ago now, after being accepted through clearing. I didn't get accepted into my first choice after dropping a grade in a subject, despite exceeding the offer grades in two other subjects. I'd never visited the university I am studying at before coming here.
To add some background, I never really knew what I wanted to study at university however, the whole idea of going to university was pushed by my grammar school. As a result I settled on a subject eventually, not that I am keen or have a passion for any single subject. My parents also wanted me to go to university, since they never had the opportunity and believed I would be wasting myself if I just got a job.
Now I am here, I'm really not enjoying myself. I don't really like going clubbing and drinking lots, so I haven't made any really good friends yet. I only really talk to my roommate and a few people on my Subject course, and it seems all of the social activities are based on drinking. I know this isn't for me, and I'm feeling rather lonely and unhappy. I never thought I would have trouble making friends, as I had a lot of good friends in secondary school. I'm naturally a shy person, however, when I get to know people I am confident and outgoing. Am I coming off as cold, when in fact I am shy? I went out clubbing the first few nights however, I just felt so awkward and out of place, especially as I don't really drink much.
I'm also struggling with the work, something I believe stems from the fact I have no burning interest in the subject.

As well as this, I feel like I am buying unnecessary things at the weekend, perhaps in order to cheer myself up. I only end up feeling guilty after this.

Sorry for the rambling paragraphs, but I just wanted advice from mothers. Is it necessary to get a degree? Would you feel disappointed in your child if they dropped out? How long do you believe I should give the course? Do you know of any good alternatives to university, or is a degree a necessary evil? Did any of you feel like this when you were at university? How did things turn out? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, and I would be grateful for any advice. Feel free to ask any questions.

Hello candyplum, hope the responses you've had here have helped.
IME, those first few months can be veeeeery slow and sticky, and it can take a while to find people yo really click with, especially if your twat-radar are accurate. A lot of people will have come straight from the bosom of their loving families and will have no idea how to be.

Can you choose modules outside your own department? Most universities offer this facility nowadays, so that you can do pretty much anything you want as long as you pass a certain number of core modules every year. First year marks aren't usually counted towards overall degree scores, as far as I know- used to teach at uni level but it was 5 yrs ago. That frees you up to play a little. To illustrate, I did Russian, philosophy of religion and all the core modules of an archaeology degree alongside the core modules to end up with a bar in English Lang with medieval lit.

Student services are there to help you. As is your tutor. Not knowing what you want to do is not a problem on its own- it is okay to try stuff, not like it, and move on.

I got a Saturday job in a local oxfam job so that I didn't sit around feeling lonely when everybody else was hung over/coming down. It got much better when I discovered that postgrads were generally less twattish and moved out of halls.

Good luck.

@landed I really wanted to go to an arty workshop tomorrow night with an artist however, I have to go to a college dinner instead. I was looking forward to the art workshop, as I thought I could meet some like minded people there however, typical, the one night I want to go out I am busy 😂 I'm going to look for different sessions later on in the term that hopefully won't clash, and who knows, maybe I'll meet like minded people tomorrow night at the dinner.

I was pressured into uni by my dad, his intentions were good and I understand his thought process behind it but he pretty much picked my uni & course. I wasn't confident enough to disagree with him as I too was unsure what I wanted to do with my life.

Actually, I sort of did, I really wanted to do something with animals, especially horses but that idea was poo-pooed by my school (I wasn't clever enough apparently) and my dad really wanted me to get a 'proper ' job.

I ended up doing an hnd, getting a mediocre result and working as a private chef in London (which I'd trained to do in my gap year) I didn't get an office job until I moved out of London as I wanted to get back to the countryside and buy a horse!

I'm sure that had I had the conviction to stand up for myself I may well have taken a more fulfilling path in life.

Things are what they are and I'm happy now, but it took me a very long time.

It's hard to expect young people to forge their whole life at such a young age and if you were my daughter, I'd want you to be happy. If that meant coming home and taking stock of your life, so be it.

Good luck. 🙂

Thanks everyone for your advice so far, you've all really helped me.
I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight to make up for lack of sleep last night, hopefully a rest will help me feel more positive.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond

I'd echo what others have said about finding your 'tribe' of non-clubby, quieter people. There are more of these than people think. When I see my personal tutees there are always at least half who tell me they're not very into drinking and clubbing, but feel as if everyone else is! They just need time to gravitate to one another. Look for the English society and also for art/arty societies to join. Also look for new accommodation to move into - again, lots of people early on find they're in with very different personalities and settle better when they can move to be with like-minded housemates.

Finally, don't feel that you have to be on the brink of a crisis to approach student services or the counselling service. They're there for all students, and they'd much rather see you earlier and be able to help than for you to stick it out on your own and suffer more than necessary.

You should go out and join loads of clubs and societies do that you can meet more people. I would also try to befriend the nature students. They tend to drink less and be more interesting.

Even if you have never been a Scout or Guide a SSAGO club is often made up of people who like to do a variety of things rather than other societies that only do hiking etc see if there is one at your uni www.ssago.org/clubs here

I think you've asked such good questions, CandyPlum, and just to echo what everyone has been saying: do go and see your personal tutor and the counselling services. I teach English Lit and I do see lots of students who are struggling because they feel they had to choose something at Uni and (in the words of one of my first years) "disliked English least at school". Some of them go on to love their subjects, but others I really feel for, and I want to say to them that it's really OK to admit they've made a mistake & change paths in life. You sound so thoughtful: you will find your tribe! Give it a little while longer and talk it through with uni and with your family. GOOD LUCK!

It’s not uncommon to take a while to find your tribe at uni, and it can be quite miserable until you do. That said, I think a term of unhappiness is quite enough.

There is no failure if you decide that something is not for you and a degree is neither here nor there. It’s common to change degree early on so this may be possible. How about fine art or art and design? Lots of jobs in the creative industries.

It’s also likely that you can change accommodation at this point to a single room as people will be dropping out. There may be more like minded souls in your new flat. I would access student services and let them know you are struggling and get some counselling support.

Everything will come good, you have a great attitude and a lot of maturity for your age.

What is it you would really like to be studying? Is there any opportunity to swap courses? This was very common at my university during the first term.

Similarly, would you be happier if you put in for a room swap?

Sometimes, small changes can really alter the experience.

Hope the advice and the sleep has helped. One more thing, if you are thinking of leaving, check how the timing of this might affect student finance in the future.

I hope you got a decent sleep last night. You've had some great advice here. One good tip someone gave me for the first term is that social barriers are much lower at this point than normal -everyone is looking to make new friends, so whereas it'd normally be a bit odd to ask someone you only spoke to once at a seminar for coffee or add them on Facebook, that is totally normally for term one at uni. So keep getting yourself out there and you'll find your people. Good luck!

Also re the socialising, some students go a bit mad at first but it will all die down as the workload increases and you might find some of those who have been partying aren't really into it that much either.

I think there can be an issue with starting a course via Clearing, esp as you had never visited the uni. Why not take the rest of the year as a gap year, get a job to earn some money and apply to a uni that would be more suitable.

You poor thing. I remember being in very similar situation.
I didn't enjoy going clubbing, drinking e.t.c and I think people mistook my shyness/quietness for being rude/stuck up.

Are you able to go home every couple of weeks? By the October half term I took a car with me and this made me feel a little less isolated as I was able to go for a drive, shopping and drive home every weekend (3hours). Obviously driving home every weekend didn't help my situation long term and I never developed a long term friendship with anyone at uni.

In your second year, you can do a flat share (I'm sure the uni will be able to advise). A flat share will probably feel a bit more personal and private for you.

Unless you absolutely hate the course, I'd stick with it. Frustratingly, a master's degree is the new bachelors degree. What I mean is, although having a degree Wont necessarily help with your future job. So many jobs require applicants to have a degree of some sort, even if it isn't relevant to the job itself. This is a whole other topic and I feel it undervalues the value of a degree.

I didn't love my degree, but it was a vocational degree and it led straight into my job as a healthcare professional. So although I see my job as a job and not something I 'love', it is a reasonable job and it pays the bills.

Sorry I didn't mean to talk about myself so much, but your OP reminded me of me.

I hope you do feel more comfortable and make a friend soon

Hello OP

Sorry I haven't got time to respond fully but have you seen your personal tutor/academic advisor about this? I'm an academic and every year I get students come to me with this same issue. Most work it out and get on fine, some decide to leave, some take a year off etc. A few years ago I had two women who came with exactly the same issue and I put them in touch (with their permission). They became best mates. One of them got the best results in the year and gave a speech at graduation where she did this whole bit about me saving her sanity by putting her in touch with her best mate

Anyhow, your academic advisor will have seen this before and might have some good advice.

It's not the end of the world if you decide to drop out. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but Eng Lit doesn't link on to a particular career so it's not like you'd be doing yourself out of a particular career (as you would if you dropped out of, say, medicine). You can always go back to university in 5, 10 or 15 years when you're in the right place.

Talk to your advisor.

Dh and I both dropped out of university for similar reasons to how you’re feeling. We’ve both done very well. I think you either have the work ethic to do well or you don’t (and if you have good health then you have the ability to change careers / retrain do whatever you like several times over!) The most important thing is to have good mental health and happiness. I would give it a bit longer but at the same time don’t make yourself utterly miserable. University doesn’t suit everyone. Both dh and I are teetotal, not interested in clubbing etc. We spent our late teens / 20s trying hard to fit into groups we really didn’t fit into. With the benefit of hindsight I wished I hadn’t tried so hard to mound myself into someone I really wasn’t.

Whatever you decide please just make yourself happy.

Could you volunteer at a National Trust property? Or, at a museum or some such? If you feel sufficiently motivated, would you consider starting a society to fit with your interests? Also, see if you can get your own room. How about suggesting to your room mate that she might be better off sharing with someone who enjoys her lifestyle. This doesn't have to be confrontational - just a recognition that you and she are different. Could you visit old friends periodically - you may have some who are at other universities not far away?

Your feelings are not uncommonand you may settle once you are able to see what's on offer. How about joining a society that involves weekends away - hiking, canoeing or whatever. You sound "stuck". There may be societies and clubs in the local area that are not part of university. You do not need to live as though in a "closed" order. Sorry to hear you feel like this. Maybe give it until Easter if you can and see how you feel then. Good luck!

Just wanted to say really don't worry about feeling directionless, just find something you really enjoy studying for now - it's so difficult to know what you want to do when you don't really have much experience of work or a burning desire towards a specific vocation, but step by step it will become clearer and will be fine.

Can you look at the mix of modules to see if there is anything else within/related to your course that you can take to see if you click more with that? I did a joint English & Communications degree & totally thought I'd be all over literature on the English side - turned out I hated my lit modules and after the first year was taking all language ones which I loved.

The longer you're doing your course, the more you'll start to work out who in your lectures/tutorials is more likely to be your type of person, so look out for that & ask to sit with/grab a coffee with people you think have that potential - I did this with a total random on my course who is still one of my best friends 15 years later!

Thanks everyone for your replies, especially those who work at universities and have seen this all before.

@tryingtokeepfit yes, that sounds exactly like me...I think people mistake my shyness for coldness/rudeness. I'm quite far away from family, however they are coming up for a weekend soon so I'll see them in 2 weeks. My friends are all at opposite ends of the country...London, Exeter, Bristol and rural Scotland. I know a friend is going to organise a meet up early November time, so I'm looking forward to that and to have a proper conversation and a laugh.

I understand your idea that the masters degree is the new bachelors degree. I feel like it's necessary for me to get a degree to get anywhere in life...from my school I've seen so many power points encouraging us to get a degree, I feel like I need one.

I felt the same as you. I achieved all A*s at GCSE then 4 As at A level. I was head girl and top of my year. Because of this I thought I should go to university, as did everyone else. I fucking hated it and dropped out at the start of my third year (mine was a 4 year course).

Despite parents saying they want the best for you, my parents hated me dropping out and still reference it now. I started working in a restaurant and became a manager two years later. They still resent that.

If you're dreadfully unhappy then don't feel pressured to stay because you feel you should be there.

I dropped out of an English Literature degree at a northern university. I think I gave it 7 weeks before I left. Like you it was a combination of the people around me and the course that made me miserable and lonely.
My parents did not understand and I went off on my own, I got some interesting jobs, did some travelling and then went back to university (different one) at 23. It really was the best thing I ever did, I got a first and they funded my PhD. I'm a lecturer now.

I will be telling my children to only go to university if there is something they really want to do and maybe to wait a couple of years first. I think 18 is too young for most people, I had no direction at all at that age.

Good luck with your decision Candy, there are many different routes to a good life.

OP unfortunately it's true. I don't know any way think everyone should need to have a degree, it's silly.

Soon one will need a degree to work in retail, cleaning, bus driving, gardening and other vocational type jobs (obviously hopefully not, I'm just speculating!)

I don't want to tell you to stick it out if you are truly unhappy and it is affecting your mental health. Have you thought about transferring to another university? I did this after my first year. I moved to a uni much closer to my family home. I rented a flat with my bf at the time. I didn't make many friends as I had started late and friendship groups were already formed. But it felt different, like a fresh start and I could be a new person and I finished the last two years there.

X

I don't think in any way*

@FaFoutis thanks for your advice...I am definitely going to give uni more time, as I think people would feel I hadn't really given it a go if I started talking about dropping out etc. Also, hopefully with time, as many of the posters here have said, thing will have calmed down and I will find more people like me whether that be through societies or my course.

Due to difficulties with accommodation etc, I really didn't think I'd be coming to uni this year at all( I got offered my accommodation 2 weeks before coming) so I was starting to make plans for jobs. Sometimes I think it would've been better for me to have taken a year out and worked/travelled, but I'll give the situation I'm in the best shot for the moment.