I am feeling really unhappy at uni - advice please

[CandyPlum]

Hello,
This is my first post on here, and I just wanted advice on what to do/how I am feeling. I started at my university a month ago now, after being accepted through clearing. I didn't get accepted into my first choice after dropping a grade in a subject, despite exceeding the offer grades in two other subjects. I'd never visited the university I am studying at before coming here.
To add some background, I never really knew what I wanted to study at university however, the whole idea of going to university was pushed by my grammar school. As a result I settled on a subject eventually, not that I am keen or have a passion for any single subject. My parents also wanted me to go to university, since they never had the opportunity and believed I would be wasting myself if I just got a job.
Now I am here, I'm really not enjoying myself. I don't really like going clubbing and drinking lots, so I haven't made any really good friends yet. I only really talk to my roommate and a few people on my Subject course, and it seems all of the social activities are based on drinking. I know this isn't for me, and I'm feeling rather lonely and unhappy. I never thought I would have trouble making friends, as I had a lot of good friends in secondary school. I'm naturally a shy person, however, when I get to know people I am confident and outgoing. Am I coming off as cold, when in fact I am shy? I went out clubbing the first few nights however, I just felt so awkward and out of place, especially as I don't really drink much.
I'm also struggling with the work, something I believe stems from the fact I have no burning interest in the subject.

As well as this, I feel like I am buying unnecessary things at the weekend, perhaps in order to cheer myself up. I only end up feeling guilty after this.

Sorry for the rambling paragraphs, but I just wanted advice from mothers. Is it necessary to get a degree? Would you feel disappointed in your child if they dropped out? How long do you believe I should give the course? Do you know of any good alternatives to university, or is a degree a necessary evil? Did any of you feel like this when you were at university? How did things turn out? Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, and I would be grateful for any advice. Feel free to ask any questions.

I would definitely give it a bit longer. Not all students will be in to clubbing and drinking and you may well find people more like you. Similarly any doubts you might have about your course may be alleviated if you give it another term or so.

If you’re not enjoying the course that’s a killer.

DD rushed off to university to catch the last year of low tuition fees. She loved the social life, hated her accommodation (which was terrible) and hated her course, chosen in haste.

After 6 weeks she came home, did a gap year, researched her options for the course of her dreams (huge switch from arts/languages to sciences), applied and got accepted, saved some money, had a fabulous volunteering holiday, went back to uni and came away with a high 2i.

On the other hand, under similar circumstances I stuck it out and came away with a crappy degree, debts, and low self esteem.

I’d say if you know what you really want to do then investigate swapping courses. If you don’t have anything you’re passionate about studying then cut your losses and come home. You’re going to live till you’re 90, another year here and there isn’t going to make much difference.

I'm at Sunderland uni if that helps?

Honestly, there's not much point of forcing yourself through a degree just for the sake of doing one. I waited until my 30s before I even thought about uni because of various things. I'm here now and really happy.

Sometimes you need to experience a bit of teaching wold before you figure what you want in life.

@Chickoletta, I applied for a job last weekend, haven't heard back yet but will contact them if I hear nothing.
And yes, because I got in through clearing, I am sharing a room. As I said, I am quite shy, so in a way it is good, but sometimes I just want to be by myself and have a bit of peace and quiet (luckily, I get this in the evenings when she is out clubbing!)
@QuestionableMouse I am doing English Literature and I am 18, soon to be 19

I just feel like a completely different person to the people on my floor. I listen to completely different music, (which also makes clubbing difficult) and watch completely different programmes. They're all watching American comedies on Netflix whilst I prefer shows like Cold Feet, which most people haven't even heard of

I'm also doing English. Don't fixate too much on what everyone else is doing. There's no law that says you have to be into drinking or clubbing.

Talk to the accommodation services and see if you can switch rooms. Ask if you can share with someone who is older (and probably less likely to be into clubbing/drinking).

Hi OP, I was really homesick when I started uni but I did meet my DH there and I found things did get better as time went on. I joined a society and met a friend I’m still in touch with. I wouldn’t say it was the best time of my life but it wasn’t terrible and my degree was essential for my career. I wasn’t a massive clubber/drinker just every now and then and you’d be surprised at how many are the same.

My cousin did an English lit degree and she now works as a communications officer for a uni, trying to encourage women into STEM subjects. My brother did English Lit too and did a journalism course subsequently.

Give it a bit longer, join some groups and don’t panic. You can leave if you really don’t like it but accept that it’s a big change from living at home and going to school and you need time to adjust. Everyone else is in the same boat and even if they seem confident and sorted, underneath it all they are probably just as unsure as you. Good luck

Candy just a point to consider before you drop out. Could you see Student Services, or someone dealing with welfare of students about changing courses? You would have chance to catch up, if you could do it soon. Oddly, I went to university to do English Lit, many years ago, because I had done it at school and enjoyed it. Doing it at universtity was quite different, and I wasn't enjoying it. I changed to history and finished my degree.

@SummerKelly yes I love looking around National Trust houses etc, so that is always an option. I'll do some research into it tomorrow.

@QuestionableMouse I'm about 1 1/2 hours further south 😊 I just feel like you have to get a degree nowadays to get anywhere in life, it was drummed into me throughout sixth form. Also, when I was expressing doubts last year before applying, my brother (a graduate) stated most people don't have a passion for their course subject, they just get a degree as a stepping stone for a good job.

Volunteering is a great idea. That will help you start to discover what you might want to do, what kind of work environment, & some very general things that will help you think about career possibilities - things like whether you like routine or variety, working alone or with others etc etc. Good to hear you'll give it a bit longer. It really is early days. You sound a bit like my DD, who also started uni this term, isn't a drinker/clubber, & is finding it's taking her a while to get used to it all and make friends. She's joined a couple of societies & these are looking promising. Good luck!

Hello Candy. I will try to answer your original questions.

Is it necessary to get a degree?
No. Definitely not.

Would you feel disappointed in your child if they dropped out?
No. In fact I was relieved when my son left uni as he was so very miserable there. I was concerned for his mental health and well-being.

How long do you believe I should give the course?
He left at the end of November. I believe that was long enough to “try”.
Do you know of any good alternatives to university, or is a degree a necessary evil?
I got my degree between the ages of 23 and 28 via the Open University. I had completed a year of uni age 17/18 before accidentally becoming pregnant with my son.

Did any of you feel like this when you were at university?
I enjoyed my course. But it wasn’t to be as I became pregnant. My son definitely felt uni wasn’t for him and

How did things turn out?
He is now 20 and really enjoying something completely unrelated to his uni course. He got a basic job in a restaurant and is now doing training in catering. An area he hadn't dreamt he might enjoy.

If you could get some work or maybe even look into volunteering at the National Trust or something to do with your walking (park run volunteer?) this could help open up your social circle to not just drinkers.

Please also talk to some trusted adults - tutors or uni counsellor, a parent, aunt etc... don’t be sad or miserable alone.

Much love and best wishes to you. And if it’s any help I will be 40 soon and havent a clue what I am going to do when I grow up!!!

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants
Yes, I feel the same. It is already seeming very different to A Level, especially as I am already having to think up of my own essay titles which I'm finding quite daunting. I think I will wait until I go to Student Services, as I know of a few people on the floor who are really struggling with their mental health - I'd feel a bit silly going along after them and expressing my doubts. If I still feel this way after Christmas, I will definitely pop into see them.

Will you PM me what uni you're at? I have friends all over from my access course and I bet they'll be someone I know at your uni. (if you're comfortable with that. If not it's fine!)

18 is still very young! There's still plenty of time later in life to get a degree, and it isn't the only way to get a decent job.

Thank you everyone for your advice and taking the time out of your day to read and respond to my questions. You have all made me feel more positive about the situation, which I can't thank you enough for 😊

@QuestionableMouse, yes I don't mind! Only if I can work out how to though 😂

Go and talk to student services.
It is difficult to share a room with someone you really get on with, let alone with someone you are quite different from - I'd wager she'd prefer someone who was more like her just as you would. Go and see the housing people, they might be able to arrange a swap.
Also, tell them you are not enthused by your course - ask them what all your options are.
My dd is in her first year and I speak to lots of parents of dc of same age. Everyone isn't instantly enjoying life. Lots take a while to settle. All the drinking and partying settles down very quickly for most folk.

When I was your age I was absolutely determined I was going to be a nurse. Due to health reasons and a series of horrible mentors I realised it just wasn't the right fit for me and ended up having to leave the course. I took a year and a half out, worked for a bit, went back to college and have just started my law degree. It's okay to be a little directionless at your age. As a previous poster suggested, maybe try volunteering to test the waters and see what you enjoy? Sometimes it takes awhile- and a few mistakes!- before we find the best fit for us

Sorry to hear that you're not enjoying it.

We've got a Facebook group which is mainly mums but with a few students for all things uni related. Pop along and join us if you'd like.

m.facebook.com/groups/488235648182391

Sounds like accommodation is a major issue- please check with the acc9modation office if it is possible to get your own room.
Also, go and see the careers service to perhaps look at some personality tests etc to perhaps get some careers ideas.
There are people like you out there - harder to find them but keep looking at societies etc.
And if you decide it’s not for you- don’t worry, there are many many ways to a happy and successful career.good luck.

I think it's wise to give it until Christmas. I'm appalled to admit this now but I spent my first term at uni fantasising about getting a serious illness so that I would have an excuse to leave. As it turned out, I went on to have three of the most enjoyable years of my life and by the time I graduated various module paths I followed helped to make a career path clearer.

I, like you, was not a big drinker and certainly didn't want to do the drinking games etc. I found like-minded friends after a couple of months and had a lovely time with them going for walks, to the cinema, out to nice civilised bars (quiet enough to hear conversation and where there was room to sit down) and one particular coffee place that we ended up pretty much living in.

The great thing about uni is the mix of people. I reckon only 50% of uni-goers are the drinking/clubbing prioritisers; it's just that these people hang around in bigger groups so they're more noticeable!

Going to uni should be all about studying a subject that you love.

If you haven't found one, despite countless careers service appts, then maybe you don't have a burning desire to be at uni? In which case, leave and get a job.

You don't have to have a degree for all jobs. But you do have to do a bit of work and research to find out what you'd like to do with your life .- or even the first bit of it. Nobody else can tell you what to do - you need to use your initiative here!

@INeedNewShoes that sounds just like me, I need to find people like that!
@FreedaDonkey thanks for the link ☺️

Hi OP - I felt exactly the same as you when I started uni (in 1992!). I floated into my degree field even though I wasn't sure about it. It was tough - the whole new life away from home is tough.

I now work in a uni (up north as well!) and how you're feeling is more common than you might think. Do you have an academic supervisor? Could you chat to them about how you are feeling? As well as helping you to settle in on your course (if that is want you want to do) they could signpost you to other services if you think you need them.

I agree with taking a look at sports teams and societies. Also, how about trying to find some work, perhaps on campus? We're often hiring students for visit days and open days, for example. It could be a good way to meet new people. Your uni might have a team that co-ordinates that kind of work.

Above all, hang on in there. Just for a bit longer. Many students we see are still in Fresher's mode. As the work kicks in, it will all calm down. And I suspect some of these will be feeling very much like you are deep down - you won't be alone.

Hugs

An alternative if you are truly unhappy would be to leave your current university and take a year out. Retake your geography A’level and apply for another course at a university where you would like to study. You are very young and have plenty of time to think about your future.

My dd had a gap year, found a job and then went travelling over the summer months before starting uni this year. It was the best thing for her and she is more focused now.

@QuestionableMouse, I've managed to message you, hope you've got it
@whitehorsesdonotlie I've done loads of research in the last two years and have done various tests (some with the strangest results) but still haven't come across anything I would absolutely love to do, hence I felt uni was the appropriate next step. I was looking at doing an apprenticeship with John Lewis, and I was looking at fine art / illustration courses, alongside a secretarial course. These are just a few of the options I've looked at in the last few years. I'll definitely do some more research in the coming week to try and make things a bit clearer.

The trouble for shy types who don't care for drinking and clubbing is they find it very hard to discover the others who are like them.it really is a shame. I second checking the possibility of finding out if there is a better section of accommodation that you coukd move to. Is there a club you might try setting up yourself? I understand that you only need a few people to get help in running it from the SU then again getting likeminded people to not be shy and step out of their comfort zones to see what's out there is a bit of a problem. Do look around OP for other club options that might help you to stop feeling alone.