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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Uni and halls...

26 replies

studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 17:07

Hi all, need some advice with my daughter.

Last year she was diagnosed with bulimia and went through a very dangerous patch. In the end, although she's much better now,
I've had to put my foot down and tell her she's not allowed to move out to halls. Blush This is on the advice of her doctor. It's too soon. Just six months ago she was dreadfully ill, I can't have her living away when she could relapse so easily. Next year yes, but not now.

DD is miserable. She will be driving 30 mins too and from uni a day. But she says she's going to miss out, be miserable, not make friends... I don't know what to do.

Option A- let her move out, against doctors advice, risk possible relapse, undo all her good work... and she wouldn't tell me if she relapsed either

B- she defers a year (but waits around for a year, possibly bored)

C- does the first year at home, then moves out second year into the student accommodation with the first years.

She wants to do A, I prefer C.

I'm aware she's an adult but she's only just 'better' and too much change could set her off again. Uni might not even accept her into accommodation right now as she's a complete liability..

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 14/09/2017 17:09

She will miss out - unquestionably. She is an adult and should be allowed to make her decisions. if she feels she is able to cope then I do think you should let her.

But ultimately, she's your daughter and no-one knows her like you do so it is your decision.

alltouchedout · 14/09/2017 17:11

B, I think, although you know (of course you know), you can't really 'put your foot down. As you say, she's an adult.

I'd encourage her to defer for a year- not waiting around doing sod all in the meantime, either- do another course, volunteer, get paid work, whatever, bit definitely something. And then she can go off to uni and do it the way she wants to do, with you, hopefully, not being so worried and having accepted that she is recovered and an adult and able to make her own choices.

Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 17:15

TwitterQueen I know she's an adult, but she's also a mentally ill adult. It took months to get her anywhere near normal... the doctor didn't think she'd be well enough to finish A Levels, let alone go to uni. I'm proud of her, but every single professional I've spoken too has advised against moving out. I just feel so conflicted about it.

She's already rejected the accommodation. Her father told her she couldn't move out again very bluntly and she stormed away to her computer and just rejected it

She's 90% better but as soon as she's stressed she's back to her old habits. She 'thinks she can cope.' That's not good enough for me.

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/09/2017 17:18

Could you agree to review it for Spring term if she manages ok this. There will be some movement during the year so vacancies do come up. Is she under the Student Support department?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/09/2017 17:18

Isn't it too late to defer? I presume her course starts in the next week or so. My son deferred when he got his grades last year and I think he had until late August. Maybe a week after results? I'd be surprised if the uni agreed to a deferment at this stage. However, if they do then I would say that was the best option.

At the end of the day though, it has to.be her decision

Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 17:18

She's also applied to the nearest uni from home... happens to be good but she applied just 'in case' she was well enough to go.

She didn't think through the uni. Hasn't even visited it. She wasn't in the right mind frame at the time :(

OP posts:
2014newme · 14/09/2017 17:20

There is another, Option D. She defers for a year but does something useful such as working or volunteering.

Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 17:27

Deferring a year and working would be a fourth option. I very much like the thought of that. I just wanted to talk it through as it's getting a bit intense at home, obviously. We can't even consider her moving out now as she decided to decline it before we got to discuss it in more depth.

She said she was living in, then applied for accommodation without telling us and randomly sprung the "I want to move out" three weeks ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 17:28

I've suggested deferring to her just now, in passing. She's perked up a bit. Would also be another year of her being close to her current friends who haven't moved out either!

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/09/2017 17:42

I have two sons. One had bad mental health issues throughout 6th form. He decided not to go to uni but got a job instead and his mental health improved no end once the stress of academia was removed. Our other son has no mental.health issues, was all set to go to uni last year and then had a wobble at the last minute and deferred for a year. He has worked and has matured greatly - he's now off to uni next week and really looking forward to it.

I would definitely recommend deferring if that is a possibility, but she needs to get a job or volunteer to give her structure.

Gannet123 · 14/09/2017 17:54

I'd be very surprised if deferral on medical grounds wasn't permitted - if she registered and started and then couldn't cope she'd be allowed to intermit/take temporary leave/whatever they call it for a year to get better, so why not permit a deferral for similar reasons? The only issue might be if she got substantially lower grades than those required for entry, but even so, it would be pretty heartless to refuse. Deferral just because is another thing - this is medical.
As others have said, she is an adult and must make her own call, but I'm afraid I have seen a number of similar cases go wrong when students tried to throw themselves into independent university living before they were ready. Living at home may help a bit, but I think deferral and continuing to work on her health would be best.

thesandwich · 14/09/2017 18:17

My dd took an unplanned gap year and got so much from it- volunteering, working, break from studies- it really helped her. Have a look st the not going to uni website for ideas. Good luck.

GladysKnight · 14/09/2017 18:35

Gap years are great for many people though my guess is you wouldn't want her travelling - though volunteering etc will be great for her cv, job hunting and general resilience etc by the sound of it.

However as the uni is close to home could you compromise, by seeing her a lot. Presumably you are worried that if she is angry about being at home she might relapse anyway - I know that in a way that's emotional blackmail though. Hmmm.

I suppose she needs to show you she is mature and recovered enough to have a rational and open-minded (both sides to be open minded) conversation about what will support her health - and help you stay reassured so you can support her and not be "on her case".

Tackle the problem about "the best way forward for DD and the faimly" together? If she can't do that, then she perhaps isn't quite ready to look after herself? Just a couple of thoughts really, not something I have direct experience with.

titchy · 14/09/2017 18:39

Gap year without a doubt. She'll have time and support to get her ED under control, and still get the halls experience by going next year. Volunteer, paid work, anything to keep her active.

Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 21:08

After a lot of discussion, it turns out it's not just the accommodation it's about... it's about the uni, not being right, etc...

She's thinking of asking to cancel her place.
I don't know if this can be done.
☹️ but she's not ready to go to uni either way. She needs to actually THINK and go to a uni that is right for her. Next year. Not the local, oh it's near university.

She needs to go to a uni for herself not one for her eating disorder.

She's going to work for a year and also travel.
Possibly get some savings.

AND look at unis properly! She has so much options with her A Levels which were actually amazing results.

Thank you everyone :)

And if anyone can help with cancelling a uni place... Wink

OP posts:
thesandwich · 14/09/2017 21:12

Good to hear she has decided- sounds a good outcome. Might be worth starting a new thread re cancelling the place but I am sure if you contact the uni admissions department by phone/ email explaining her reason for withdrawal they should be able to help?

LIZS · 14/09/2017 21:14

She can withdraw her registration and cancel any finance. Best to first speak to admissions and explain she isn't recovered enough to start.

Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 21:14

After a lot of discussion, it turns out it's not just the accommodation it's about... it's about the uni, not being right, etc...

She's thinking of asking to cancel her place.
I don't know if this can be done.
☹️ but she's not ready to go to uni either way. She needs to actually THINK and go to a uni that is right for her. Next year. Not the local, oh it's near university.

She needs to go to a uni for herself not one for her eating disorder.

She's going to work for a year and also travel.
Possibly get some savings.

AND look at unis properly! She has so much options with her A Levels which were actually amazing results.

Thank you everyone :)

And if anyone can help with cancelling a uni place... Wink

OP posts:
GladysKnight · 14/09/2017 21:17

That sounds like a very wise course of action - and well done to your DD if she was able to talk calmly and constructively about it! No idea re cancelling but as she hasn't registered yet I would hope its possible, under the circs. They won't want to force someone to come if they aren't really keen and might not be in great health, I would have thought?

Gosh I wish my indecisive DD would get her a levels then apply, like yours is going to. I am concerned mine is rushing into something just because her mates are all doing it. It really sounds like you & your DD have made a good call here.

Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 21:18

It's also hard to explain how recovered she is. She's well enough at the moment, with continuity. If she carried on at home, she'd be fine. However, the first year of recovery is very important and it can't be under estimated that a period of stability in the 'aftermath' so to speak is important in solidifying the recovery she's already made. It's like she's recovered mostly and now needs to set this. After a year, the chances of her relapsing are much less. But she will relapse if she doesn't take time out to make the full recovery.

Hence why working, away from the pressures of academics for a year could be great... she's a perfectionist. but not in a good way

OP posts:
Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 21:20

GladysKnight thank you and I hope your DD gets on well. I think a lot of teenagers rush into university. This is why DD needs a break. To actually think and work out what she wants, not what her disordered self couldn't decide

OP posts:
Dawnedlightly · 14/09/2017 21:22

If she's thinking of travelling can you encourage her to do this
The support and pastoral care is excellent.

Original poster
studentdilemma · 14/09/2017 21:30

@Dawnedlightly

Thank you for the link. That looks amazing.

OP posts:
Dawnedlightly · 14/09/2017 22:47
Flowers Hope it all goes well. You sound like a lovely mum and really importantly you're all communicating. 🙌🏻
Hugs4Everyone · 15/09/2017 00:15

That sounds like a great outcome. I think it's a really positive step. My kids didn't do gap years but none of their friends who did them regretted it. They all worked and travelled to varying degrees. I hope she will start to feel excited about her future plans.

You must be proud of her to have coped with her MH problems and her A'levels at the same time. A levels are hard enough at the best of times.