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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Post University Blues

35 replies

sayerville · 30/07/2017 16:24

So DD has returned home after three great years and gaining a 1st.
Once more my DH has started the rows and conflict again. Little digs like 'have you applied for that job yet' as soon as she walked in the door despite him saying he was cutting her some slack.
I am in the middle, but it's hard at this stage when some of them do not know what to do straight after uni.
Plus no job = living at home = tension but what else can they do?And after having 3 years of independence she is now a young woman who wants to do her own thing, I do feel for her.
Anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:

Lucysky2017 · 30/07/2017 17:28

I have told mine it all starts in year 1. You get your experience in the university holiday then if you do say law you get your paid internships in your university holidays, you apply about 2 years in advance for law jobs, for example. You don't sit around on your laurels hoping jobs will miraculously appear when you graduate. It's a massive hard slog from year 1 not just to pass the examsb ut to put in all that groundwork to get the graduate jobs.

Moominmammacat · 30/07/2017 17:54

Give her a break! She will be working until she's 90. Lucysky2017 "You don't sit around on your laurels hoping jobs will miraculously appear when you graduate" ... mine did; he was offered two decently paid jobs just after graduating by people he had met along the way. It's not a race. And actually, I did exactly the same and something always turned up.

NerrSnerr · 30/07/2017 18:06

Most people I know didn't move home after university, we had part time jobs in our university city and took more shifts etc after exams to save up for deposits for flats or house shares. It's fair enough if you want to move home, but if she wanted independence she could have planned not to.

Couchpotato3 · 30/07/2017 18:11

A lot of students focus on finals and don't want to think about looking for a job while they are studying hard. That's perfectly fine, but no surprise when they are then kicking their heels at home for a while. If they don't have a job sorted by the autumn, they will then be competing with next year's graduates for the following year's graduate schemes. To be honest, if she doesn't know exactly what she wants to do, it doesn't really matter at this stage - just try to get a job, any job. It is very much easier to get the next one if you are in employment already, and any experience is useful.
There are plenty of 'generalist' type graduate jobs that can be used as a springboard to many other careers e.g. local government graduate training scheme. She could do some temp work over the Summer while sorting out other job applications. It doesn't matter if it is unrelated to her final career choice - a willingness to get stuck in is a good indicator for any future employer.

Original poster

sayerville · 30/07/2017 20:07

NerrSnerr she has had all the way through with her job at the uni which she loved however T&C's were she had to be a student so now it's ended.

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 30/07/2017 20:10

I never moved back home. It wasn't an option. This meant that I lined myself up with a job after graduation. She needs to get in contact with her careers service at school and find out if there are any alumni groups in her field of interest and network. If there are graduate schemes she is interested in she should apply now.

PiratePanda · 30/07/2017 20:10

She's only been home for a month! This is the last time she will ever have finished something without something new overlapping. A good holiday is what is called for, followed by taking a job in anything really - retail, temping, receptionist - until she works out what she wants to do with her life.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/07/2017 20:13

For goodness sake give her a chance. She got a top degree while also working. She is no dosser. She will find something soon. Adding pressure only drives them the other way. I found my dd was wrecked after intense exans and needed a bit of downtime at home. Then off she went again. Try and chat to dh when he is not in the middle of a rant.

JeanSeberg · 30/07/2017 20:14

No need to be so hard on the op, she's asked for help.

Appreciate if you don't want to say, but is the degree in a vocational field? Does she have any loose plans or any ideas for the future? Is there a family friend who could help out here?

I know from experience how difficult and stressful this can be.

Want2bSupermum · 30/07/2017 20:14

Sorry pressed post too soon!

I'd give her a deadline to be moving out if she doesn't have a job. If she does have a job she can stay as long as she needs to. Also see if you have connections to anyone who could help her find a position in her chosen field. My cousin got her first job because my grandmother was at the hairdressers and a lady there was a solicitor. My gran went over with her curlers in and told her that my cousin needed some guidance. The lady was more than happy to help. My cousin talked to her and based on that conversation she was offered a part time para legal role and a trainee position after a year.

JeanSeberg · 30/07/2017 20:15

Regarding the family friend - I mean she might get find it easier to ask for help and guidance from someone slightly removed from the situation.

Original poster

sayerville · 30/07/2017 20:25

OK right, she nearly burnt herself out in the last few weeks of uni processing issues and never dreamed she'd get a first but and I am so proud she has . I actually love her being here and don't need any 'board' or anything like that, it's just her Dad. She's worked so hard and needs a break. She is keenly applying for a job back at the uni that needs her past role experience, it's pt alongside doing a paid for Msc. so hopefully she'll be able to move out soon.
Her dad is hard on her but she's a great girl, always worked hard at school etc and he'd moan if she ever stepped out of line!
Long term goal is in Ed Psych, her plan is to do her PGCE to initially get into teaching to build up her skills that way in preparation.
So....if this job doesn't come off I think she'll maybe travel a bit then volunteer in a school until the PGCE comes along otherwise it's a two year post then PGCE.

OP posts:

PiratePanda · 30/07/2017 20:27

OP, it sounds like she has a great plan worked out! Can you gently tell your DH to back off a bit?

Original poster

sayerville · 30/07/2017 20:28

I don't have concerns for her future, just the fact her Dad is driving her and me mad and I wondered if this was common!

OP posts:

Original poster

sayerville · 30/07/2017 20:29

Oh yeah, we have talked, he just sees her as a teen and not a young woman with her own life!
He's been used to having his house to himself and resents her return, whereas I love it, I miss her so much

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 30/07/2017 20:31

Bit of a different problem then to the one described in your op...

You have a husband problem not a daughter problem.

shockthemonkey · 30/07/2017 20:34

I think you might have to gently be here advocate here, and get your DH to back down.

It's hard after graduating. Do your best to get DH to see that this hectoring is going to drive her away.

shockthemonkey · 30/07/2017 20:34

her advocate

Original poster

sayerville · 30/07/2017 20:37

Hectoring! What a great word.
He doesn't care about that...I have told him that it's hard for her to return he does know just can't help himself doesn't like the fact he's at work whilst she might be at home.

OP posts:

GoodLuckTime · 30/07/2017 20:48

My dad was like this. Actually he'd do it every university holiday. Literally 'have you got a job yet' as you stood in the doorway, before you put your bags down.

We did always get holiday jobs (which I think are harder to come by these days).

After I graduated, I had an internship within weeks and landed a dream job with a September start date. I'd moved out by Christmas. In the months in between I remember being away for the weekend, getting up at 6.45pm for work, arriving home after 8.30pm to be told by my dad (again at the door) that and brother had left the washing up for me as I'd not done anything all weekend. I went ballistic, pointing out I'd not been there and that I'd been out of the house Woking / communing for 14 hours.

He did apologise for that, but it the whole tag had an affect on our relationship for years after. He was v hard on my brother too and he threatened to throw him out once.

Now, with young children of my own, I think he felt the burden of being the sole provider for the family for 25 years (I'm the youngest) and he resented us 'doing nothing' while he was working.

I can understand that now, but you might point out to your DH if he's too hard on your DD now, she might not want much to do with him when she does have a job. His attitude is not supportive. At all.

Lucysky2017 · 30/07/2017 20:56

I must say after 33 years of having small children at home I am looking forward to the twins leaving for university this year and I do expect them to plan actively careers starting from year 1 at university. I don't mind children coming back after with a plan (my daughters came back to live at home to do 2 years of law school in London). I don't want indefinite unplanned returners.

goodbyestranger · 30/07/2017 22:52

My fifth DC has also just graduated with a First in a very non vocational subject (History) and the whole family is basically saying take a break and work out what it is you actually want to do because you could do anything pretty much. Taking a travel break would be completely fine with me I don't see the hurry. Your DH needs to back off, he sounds unhealthily self absorbed.

DonkeyOil · 30/07/2017 23:01

I'd give her a deadline to be moving out if she doesn't have a job.

Just run through again how that would work, exactly?

goodbyestranger · 30/07/2017 23:05

Your child does incredibly well at uni and you then give them a deadline to move out . That's very unpleasant.

TinselTwins · 30/07/2017 23:08

I am in the middle

No you're not! you're her mother! AND you want her there, you're not in the middle!
You DH has all the power and boy is he exerting it

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