DS, hugely overdrawn at uni. How do I respond?

[Isabelle112]

It appears that DS has, in spite of a loan and our paying his rent at uni, is OD by about 2k - the limit on his account. He has very clearly been spending a lot, largley on socialising, over the past term. Last year, his first, he didn't budget either but at least his account then didn't have an overdraft facility.

I don't know what to do. He's been so cagey about his finances, won't talk at all - in fact, he seems altogether pretty withdrawn. Goes out for long walks at night (he's out now) with barely a word and largely only speaks to me to ask me about food. All quite depressing. We suspect he's fully aware that he's overspent but somehow he's got into a horrible spiral and can't understand that the first step towards disintangling himself is to set himself a budget. He does't work in the term or holidays - another sore point but he doesn't.

His loan for next term will come in soon no doubt - and he's hoping it's soon so he can go back to the uni town for New Year. He didn't like most of his Christmas presents so I've said I'll take them back and put the money into his account. But with a 2 k overdraft and expensive tastes (pricey hairdressers, buys quite a lot of clothes, goes out a lot - ), whatever I give him will be a drop in the ocean. I wish he didn't have an account with an OD (one of those student incentives it was) because then he'd have had to cope with his loan. Last year, we bailed him out a lot but this year, we determined not to quite so much (aside from the rent), hoping that he'd learn to live on the loan alone. It's not ungenerous, so it could have been done (especially if he'd got a pt job).

Do I have it out with him - the thought makes me exhausted and all my overtures re money haven't had any effect so far - just met with disinterest, exasperation on his part and even, sometimes, rudeness. Any thoughts would be welcome! Anyone else, incidentally, had a Christmas when their uni DCs have barely engaged with family life? Unlike their pre-university selves?

Explain that you can't keep bailing him out and that the best you can do is hold the loan amount for him and give it to him £x a week/month or withhold £x and use that to fund a weekly Tesco delivery.

I can't imagine having so much money available at his age and remember myself getting into a pickle writing cheques with no funds in the bank to cover them when I was 18.

We definitely learn from our experiences, but it's quite easy to become comfortable in the knowledge that parents will bail us out. My sis and I were brought up totally differently and at 25, she's still playing Mum for all she can get despite the cost to Mum, both financially and mentally/emotionally.

I waitressed throughout uni. Got no money from parents at all. Can't he get a job? I'd be quite pissed off if dd came home for Xmas in a grump

*This sounds like most students I knew at uni 20 yrs ago.

The only bit that worries me is going out for walks late at night. Really? The only guys I knew who did that were ones looking to score weed, or worse. I would be having a chat about that aspect of his behaviour and the potential impact that might be having on finances*

Sorry! Meant to say I agree with that post

Don't all students get overdrawn? It's the one turn in your life when you can go out endlessly and have a great time! Let him have his fun.
I left uni thousands in debt. All paid off now. Have a good job. I spent it all on nights out and travel. Don't regret a second of it

"Let him have his fun"?!

He's in debt and quite likely depressed / anxious and I'd be rather worried about his mental health at the moment with the going out for walks at night - that's not normal is it!!

Christ, what stupid advice.

Yes, he can have fun, but running up debt that causes stress to him and everyone around him is utterly stupid.

Oly5 if you'd known your mum would have to work a 60 hour week to pay off your debt would you have been quite so happy?

PPs should read the back story. An AS reveals that tbe OP has 3 adult males in her family who are all pretty incompetent, if not almost abusive to her.

I feel so sorry for you, OP but you have to take steps to help yourself.

My brother phoned my mum when at uni and said he had no money, no food, and was desperate.

She sent him a massive bag of pasta and two jars of pesto and said he wouldn't die living on rations for a couple of weeks til she came up to visit.

When she then went up he was very apologetic, she did a small food shop for him and left again. She bought his train ticket home for the holidays and posted it to him to avoid giving him money.

He is still terrible with money now (his wife does the budgeting and gives him pocket money) but he definitely realised then that being bad with money was his problem. Once you're out of money there is no more!

You need to let your DS learn this lesson.

4K in 10/12 weeks , so over £300 per week. He's mixed up with the wrong crowd.
Is he mixing with a lot of international students who think nothing of spending £70 for a meal or is he trying to mix with the richer 'landed' type?
It would be worth trying to find out, if only to give him help for an exit from the crowd he is with. Agree to no more bail outs.

You've made a rod for your own back by bailing him out in his first year. He now expects it.

Tell him there is no money. If he doesn't like his presents he can take them back himself and get store credit or exchanges.

He will never learn to stand on his own two feet if you continually prop him up.

Christ, I've have starved for weeks before going cap in hand to my parents and admitting I'd blown through that much money in one semester.

Let him have his fun?
This is his second year at university. The first year he also fucked up majorily and asked op to bail him out constantly. It's not just this term. Hence one of the reasons why she is working 2 jobs to help finance him. He should be eternally grateful that for over a year she has been paying his rent for
Him. But no, he spends and over spends and goes back asking for more rather than being the man and getting
A job.
Any adult who would rather waste money than get a job and watch their mum work 2 jobs should be ashamed of themselves, not out having fun.
And if he his depressed then the first thing he should be doing is seeing a doctor, beicase the year long thing isn't healthy

Maybe he could look at a job in summer and/or selling items to start to pay off overdraft. If he gets a job that pays cash you could help by asking him to hand over to you an amount he decides appropriate as soon as he receives it which you them pay into account. And/or do jobs for you which are paid (maybe generously) but the money goes into the account.
I do not think it is reasonable as a parent to leave it entirely to DS to sort out, so it's a matter of helping and supporting in a way that you and he find works for you.
Personally I'd be worried about long walks and withdrawing etc in terms of mental health. All teenagers do stupid things, and some make more mistakes than others but who would want a suicide attempt on their hands?

How do you know about his overdraft? Did he tell you? I was always maxed out in my overdraft at university but worked so it was manageable. Don't bail him out and let him sort himself out. He's an adult.

It is entirely reasonable to leave it to him to sort out when trying to help and support him had led to him taking the piss because he knows mummy will always bail him out.

He is an adult. He is (as my dad would say) big enough, old enough and ugly enough to sort himself out.

I've posted on a couple of your other threads.

Have you managed to find out anything more about the exam and resist exam your son failed? I'd be worried that he won't complete his degree and all your money and support will be wasted.

If he is sleeping all day and wandering about at night then it doesn't sound like he is studying for his exams.

I suspect that Op isnt coming back, and will just start yet another thread in a few weeks, she seems to like to ask for advise then ignore it.

In the unlikely event that you do return, can you explain why you are paying his full rent, when he is getting around 6K a year loan? (Assume 2k a term as you said he had spent 4k, of which 2k was overdraft). Unless you are rich (which from other threads is not the case) you should only be making the loan up to maximum, which is just over 8K.

So some of that 2k/term loan should be going on rent - let him use the loan to pay rent, with a top-up if necessary. Then pay him a monthly or weekly living allowance. If he blows his loan and cant afford the rent, then tough. That could be life in the real world in 18mths time if he gets a job away from home.

My son is a 1st year, gets min loan, we top it up to cover halls fees then give him a monthly allowance. In total he will get less than the maximum loan, but tells us it is still more than enough. But then he doesnt have expensive tastes, nor £50 haircuts, and did work through 6th form. He is also keen to go back to his previous retailer (a uk-wide clothing store) now he has settled into uni.

It seems your son hasnt learnt a thing from you bailing him out in his 1st year. If anything, it has made him worse and he will just expect bail outs all the time. As others have said, some tough love is now required.

When I was at uni, my student account increased overdraft facility each year. I was always towards the limit by end of year, but did work holidays (3 jobs at a time wherever possible!) When I graduated, the debt really didn't seem insurmountable, and the account gave a year to pay off before any interest. If it's or this type of student account, perhaps he could switch to such?
My parents certainly helped me out, but often not directly with giving money - maybe purchased a new printer/did the first big shop of term to fill the cupboards. I'd suggest this is a much better approach rather than returning unwanted Christmas gifts (seems very ungrateful?)
Ultimately I think a conversation about budgeting and choices is required; if he's got expensive tastes for fashion etc. then he must find a way to find this himself, as these are luxuries and he is now an adult.

Some people are just like this. I paid my older three a sum every week by standing order so in fact they could never really run out of money and they had some savings from childhood which one of them who spends little mostly kept, one spent some of and the other all of plus was over drawn.
Could you not just say you cannot help out again and that he will need to get a loan?

His going out a lot and not talking to you is more of a concern than the money to me. Is he depressed? Is he going out to buy drugs?
Could you help sell some of his things on Ebay?