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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Can't get over the empty nest feeling

67 replies

sayerville · 30/08/2016 09:26

It's about time I pulled myself together.
DD about to enter year 3, leaves today and already I feel myself getting emotional.
I suppose it's my own fault for gearing my whole life around her, and now I feel bereft again.
I have hated my 'new' life, it's like someone turned off the lights when she's not here.
Could be it coincided with losing my Mum and Dad prior to that, so much loss in such a short time must have an effect. I just still feel so lost and lonely.

OP posts:
imother · 21/09/2016 00:38

Bellepup have pm'ed you x

BeJayKayven · 21/09/2016 17:37

I'm struggling tbh

hellsbells99 · 21/09/2016 18:42

Hi BeJay. I hope you are ok. I FaceTimed DD2 earlier which she was pleased about. Is that an option? DD1 has text me a couple of times today - more to do with checking things with me (have I returned her Boohoo parcel etc!). I also posted them both a little card yesterday and they were pleased to get some post.

buckingfrolicks · 21/09/2016 18:56

I've had twins gone now for 2 weeks. Just me the cats and DP.

It's horrible. Reminds me of that empty ache when you're relationship is over. It isn't just missing someone is it? It's mourning a whole life, those vanished years. And that then triggers feelings of panic at time running by so fast and I MUST be happy and make the
Most of life but all I want to do is go back 19 years and do the whole wonderful adventure again.

BeJayKayven · 21/09/2016 20:00

Thanks hellsbells
I've set up Skype now, I know I'm being daft but it's hit me harder than I expected 😳

LittleHoHum · 21/09/2016 20:34

This may or may not work for you, but we found it really helpful to book a family visit to the university town during the Autumn half term.

This allowed dd enough time to make friends on her own but still have something to look forward to and she says it made a lot of difference to know that we would be coming to visit. Probably depends on your dc and their character.

AndShesGone · 21/09/2016 20:46

I'm on day 3 of sitting in my pants and eating chocolate and drinking wine.

It roams between being fabulous. And really weirdly lonely.

This will take a bit of getting used to. But the wines good.

Dani414 · 24/09/2016 23:46

Dear bellepup29 I have just been reading the comments and came across yours. I wanted you to know that I am struggling very much too. My first son left for uni last Saturday and I have lost count of the number of times I have cried. I feel so absolutely lonely. My husband and 15 year old son are handling it much better and I feel guilty that I should be feeling like this when I have them. I've lost my appetite, not sleeping properly, lack motivation and cant bear to be alone. This morning I was trembling and I felt very light headed but hang on to the 'advice' from other people that it will get better but how long this will take - I don't know. I do live in SW London and luckily my son is only about 1.5 hours away but it feels like hundreds of miles away. He does 'what's up' but it's not the same as having him here. I'm struggling too and I hope you are feeling better now.

Dani414 · 24/09/2016 23:59

Dear bellepup29 I just sent you a message that I posted so hopefully you will read it or am I supposed to answer you directly like this? Sorry but I haven't been using mum's net for long!

imother · 25/09/2016 00:14

Hi Dani, sorry to hear you're struggling too. I think you might start to feel better in a month or two. Usually they get a reading week in Oct, then after that it's the build up to Christmas.

It really does get better Smile

Needmoresleep · 25/09/2016 08:13

I've come a bit late to this thread, in part because I don't really qualify. DD decided quite late in the day to take a gap year, essentially because she wanted to take a breath before starting the next phase of her life. So I still have a teenager at home in what would feel like an endless summer holiday if I was not nagging her not to fritter away what is a great opportunity. I should enjoy it while it lasts!

Those who appear oon the "elderly parents" thread will know I took early retirement a few years back, not long after my father died and it was obvious my mother would need support. DH is still some years away from retirement, and working full time with the demands of both children and parents had meant that my local network of friends had shrivelled. There was a year or so which felt pretty bleak, so I understand what Stonecircle is saying.

My advice is to reach out. There will be rebuffs, and it seems odd to be making the lions share of the effort to renew or create friendships, but it pays off. There seem to be set phases in our lives when we make friends: university; certain jobs; playgroups; primary school run. See this as a new phase. My experience has been that people in a similar position to me are receptive to making new friends and to trying new things. Its just that we got out of practice.

I agree with groups. I am a member of a history walking group which visits different parts of London, and have made a good friend through it. I have also got back in touch with people I have liked in the past, and have found that now we are all over the "busy years" it has been easy to rekindle friendships. Curiously the same has been true for school friends.

And MN has been a surprisingly good place to find friends. I now have a couple of local MN friends who I have known for about four years (had to be local - who else is considering secondary schools in Ealing and Croydon) who are interesting and fun. One of the most important experiences of the last few years was spending a morning with an equally lovely poster, whose mother was diagnosed with dementia at the same place in the same week and who shared my sense of gallows humour. And some great mums of medics guided us through UCAS last year, at a point when DD was recovering from a serious accident, and barely able to get into school, let alone deal with the complex tactics that a medical school application involves. I won't meet everyone, but on-line support from witty and intelligent women is also great.

I am still very tied up with my mother's care and other needs, which is tedious, and it is likely to be this way for a while to come. I will miss DD when she goes, who when things were at their worst used to bake me cakes. But I am happy now that DC are part of my life as adults, and that they no longer rely on me and I don't rely on them.

Crispsheets · 25/09/2016 08:27

I am completely the opposite to everyone on this thread as I never felt sad when dD went last year. It was quite a relief tbh as she was quite difficult. She came back in the summer a changed girl.... independent, fulfilled and much more empathic.I hardly saw her in the three months this she was home as she was working and also doing her hobby.
Ds goes next year.
It coincides with the beginning of a new life for me....moving 250 miles away to a new house with my partner.
A new job, or volunteering (not sure which)...maybe do my MA at last. Neither of the children will live permanently at home again....which I'm happy about.
They will spend holidays with me but both have plans for post university life which involve staying London/Surrey.
Dd popped home unexpectedly last night which was lovely but won't be back again till December.
Maybe it's because I have a new focus in my life after being in a miserable marriage for so long.

granarybeck · 26/09/2016 16:04

It's quite reassuring reading through some of the posts here.

I swing from being okay to not okay, since the day before dropping Ds off I have felt mildly sick which I presume is just the stress of it all and the pending drop off of Dd on Saturday. It's good to know in some ways it's normal for it all to hit you like this. For me, it's such a mix of feeling a bit sad and feeling very worried/the not knowing how they are (even though they are probably fine).

I really identified with the poster who mentioned the strange mix of mourning a stage of life that's finishing but then panicking that life is going so quick and I should enjoy it!

shirej · 27/09/2016 08:36

hi, i'm not really sure about posting. i'm a single father & my d has just started at uni. I have a 'successful' career (whatever that means) but my d has been the most amazing joy of my life & will of course continue to be so. Thing is I really have no idea what the rest of my life means anymore - perhaps lots of folks feel like that. None of it is anywhere near as important as even a minute spent with my d. I of course know all the 'get a hobby' or 'build a new life' stuff but it rings hollow. Its not that i'm not interested in various things, its simply that they mean so much less than how I feel about being a parent. I know i'll aways be one but, to be frank, right now it feels a bit like what comes next is simply surviving from day to day until i'm needed or the next visit.

as a side note what i'll add is that as a male the response from others has been along the 'pull yourself together' (& more anatomical versions of that !) - typical macho stuff. I've always disliked such attitudes as they do nothing for male understanding of the self & indeed the various issues. Its almost impossible to have an in-depth conversation with any male on the subject !

Phaedra11 · 27/09/2016 09:06

shirej There are still such different attitudes to mothers and fathers aren't there? After we dropped DS off several people asked me if I cried. No one has asked my husband that. But he has cried. More than me actually!

For me counselling is what's getting me through this transition and has been with others. It has been a safe space to grieve, mourn, move on and decide what comes next. Though my moving on this time is confused by DS still seeming to very much need me! And I guess will continue to do so. But in different ways...

user1485235762 · 24/01/2017 06:05

I feel for all you moms. My daughter is going to college this September and i am already feeling anxious and weepy. I am happy for her but so so sad that she will leave. She will be going to a different continent for college!!!! It feels so depressing that she will not be there in the house with me.

Susanne1mj · 23/03/2017 07:23

I remember feeling that apprehension before my last child left for uni, I know some people feel it more before the first one goes because it's the starting shot to the fledglings flying the nest! Just thought I'd mention that a friend of mine is running a workshop about this if anyone might be interested to learn more, wish she'd been there a few years ago for me, I found the only way through it was to share with others facing the empty nest and getting through the confusion together. More details here Www.helloemptynest.com. Good luck Smile

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