Can't get over the empty nest feeling

[sayerville]

It's about time I pulled myself together.
DD about to enter year 3, leaves today and already I feel myself getting emotional.
I suppose it's my own fault for gearing my whole life around her, and now I feel bereft again.
I have hated my 'new' life, it's like someone turned off the lights when she's not here.
Could be it coincided with losing my Mum and Dad prior to that, so much loss in such a short time must have an effect. I just still feel so lost and lonely.

Thank you power
I'm feeling shattered tonight 😥

DD goes tomorrow morning. It will be a long drive home :-(

Op and others - I really feel for you, my DS goes on Sat and even though I still have 16yo DD at home, I already feel lost! He has always been quite grown up and very easy going, chatting to us lots, plus very helpful.

He has spent last 3+ weeks doing DoE, in Wales with DH and DD and now in Wales again with his school friends, so at least I am getting used to just 3 of us at meal times!

Like Op, I lost my mum earlier this year. Dad died when kids were little and I never felt I grieved properly, as I was so busy juggling life with them, plus mum was still around. So, although mum and I didn't have the best of relationships, I have still felt her loss hugely and suspect I am now grieving for both parents.

We spent the last 16 mths of her life supporting her, 70miles away, as she was housebound, then after funeral, the house sold quickly and DH and I spent weekends emptying it and I also spent time sorting out her estate.

The summer has been busy, but now I am faced with no mum 'duties' for first time in almost 2 years, my DD is going to college, so more independant, DS going to Uni.....I do work 3 days and have a labrador to walk on my days off, but still, I know I will feel the change. Unfortunately the small no of local friends I have were made through kids and have drifted away as kids got older. Although I got cards and flowers when mum died, I have only seen 1 (a neighbour) since then.

DH is telling me to start thinking about the rest of my life, but at the moment it is hard. I think I need to work through the grieving process and get used to DS being away, then start thinking about new interests next year. I am also in 50s and have the dreaded menopause, which certainly doesnt help!

It's hard. for all....

No words of wisdom but just wanted to sympathise/empathise. Both my dd and ds set off to uni in the next two weeks. I was only 19 when I had ds so have never known an adult life without them being a constant in it. I'm just trying not to think about it too much at the moment! I'm keeping a list of little things I want to do just to have some stuff to focus on, and booking in seeing friends at weekends so they aren't completely quiet.

Missing my daughter now, we moved her in to her halls last Saturday and now it's really sinking in. It's her birthday at the end of the month and understandably she doesn't want to come home that weekend as she has planned stuff with her new uni friends. I still have a grown up DD and a DD who is 15 at home but missing my middle girl.

Oh gosh - I could have written some of the posts here!

My eldest dc is 21 and still 'lives' at home though spends most of his time at his gf's and is a bit of a closed book. My middle dc has just gone back to uni for his second year. It's been fantastic having him home over the summer - he's funny, cheeky, sociable, thoughtful, kind and I miss him so much. He slotted right back into his home friendship groups so the last few months have felt like the clock was turned back and he was still at school. My sadness is offset by the fact that he loves life and seems to be having a great time at university. He doesn't have a partner so when he's at home we see loads of him. Of course I want him to have a special person in his life but I worry they may take him away from me.

My 3rd dc is 18 next month and hoping to go to uni next year. Then it will be me, DH and the dogs!

I'm also in my late 50s so facing retirement and what feels like a completely blank future. My mum died a couple of months ago so no more regular visits to see her.

I kept working while my children were young but always put them first and didn't try very hard at work. Consequently my job is not very fulfilling and I see contemporaries who were no more able than me in responsible well-paid jobs.

DH is retired but has loads of interests and hobbies. I don't have any! He keeps telling me to find an interest but I don't have any enthusiasm for anything.

Gosh I sound miserable!! This really is a tough time - parents dying, children leaving home, retirement looming ...

Hi stonecircle. In all your posts, and I have read quite a lot of them, this latest one just does not sound like you!! At all.

I have been a Stay At Home Mum, even though my DDs went to boarding school. (I did work for 22 years though). I did realise I was not doing enough when they went to university; cue lots of nagging from DDs and DH - and they were right. In the past I had been a school governor and have gone back into this but at a different school. I know you are interested in Education, stonecircle, and I really can recommend this for someone like you! I am not at my local primary school so do not get the "school gate" chat. I love seeing the children being so enthusiastic about learning and we do all we can to allow the children to have a great time at school whilst doing well. It is very worthwhile.

I am just a bit older than you and my DH is still running his business and that really does not involve me. I still have my Mum and it will leave a big hole when she goes, but I fully intend to see my DDs, wherever they may end up. Although, as one is moving further away, it may not be as much. We go to the theatre, art galleries and exhibitions. We go out for tea and lunch. Sunday lunch. One of them comes horse racing with us! We find a way to meet.

Think about what you might like to do. There really will be something. I have joined the U3A. Yes, a lot of people there are older than me, but by no means all. Is there one near you? You can pick and choose what you do from a large selection of topics from, for example, Pudding Club (not me) to Archaelogy (I like that) and Latin (I struggle!) and I have really enjoyed some of the trips that they put on.

stone circle - your future is not blank!!! It really is not. (And your family do still want you, they just do not need you as much).

Hi Bojo - I think you gave me some excellent advice, under a different user name, a couple of years ago when ds2 was applying to uni. You told me very firmly that ds should be aiming higher and you were right! At least I think it's you?

I think it's just the time of year - ds1 is on holiday, ds2 has just gone back to uni and ds3 is back at school (and becoming more independent with each passing day). Also DH is a couple of hundred miles away helping his mum following his father's recent death. A week ago the house was full and chaotic. This week it's just me and our old Labrador and the occasional glimpse of ds3!

Actually I am a school governor and have been for about 10 years. I'm feeling quite jaded by it though and was thinking of giving up!

But I am very interested in what you say about U3A. It sounds intriguing and Google tells me there is one very close to me so I might just give it a go!

It may well have been! I think we chatted about Reading Festival too.

So I did read your interests accurately!!! You can change schools if it is becoming too much of the same!

Do give the U3A a go. I thought I would be too young, but really it is about not having a job and anyone can go if they are a "bit older"! I am sure you will find something to interest you. The groups are run by local members of the U3A and you really do meet all sorts of people. We have over 40 groups/subjects available at my local one. Sometimes there can be a waiting list to get in but not too long. They always need volunteers to help run something. We have a very active Travel Team in ours, so if you want to replace being a Governor, getting involved with the U3A may be a way forward. Good luck.

Hello stone circle and all,
Reading this thread really reminds me of last year when my youngest left for uni, what a year it's been. I was so down, just completely taken by surprise at how shaken I was by it. So shaken in fact, I blogged about it at helloemptynest.com 🤗. But as others on here have said you adjust and put your energy into other things and come out the other side. I'm in a much better place now. There is light at the end of the tunnel, keep looking!

stonecircle Asimilar story here. DH is also retired although dreading even more than me the impending empty nest.

In ten days time I will be dropping DS2 off at uni. DS1 is going back 2 days before that and I have been in a frenzy of organising both of them as well as a last minute family holiday.
I have just resigned as a school governor after ten years because I had become bored and jaded with it. A shame to waste all the knowledge I have acquired about schools and education but I had come to the end of my term of office and it seemed the right time to go. I do education admissions appeals but have been casting about for other things to fill my time.
No U3A here and even though I'm 58 it does seem aimed at a much older age group? I've signed up for some Futurelearn courses and so far am thoroughly enjoying them.

As others have said, I found with DS1 that the sadness is much alleviated by the joy of watching their excitement and happiness at this new stage. Still going to be harder when DS2 goes.

Unprepared. Rob Lowe on sending his son off to college

Phaedra11 is that your blog? I've followed it.
Just read this today also from a father.

I've just waved dh & dd off, she's starting second year. I know I won't worry quite as much this time, but the goodbyes are not any easier.

Sayer I'm an only child and lived this just like your DD. I'm incredibly close to my parents and leaving for uni was hard, mostly because I knew how hard my DM was taking it. She, like you, revolved her entire life around me and I loved that and felt the pressure from it in equal measure. I came home once every couple of months from uni and we spoke often on the phone and once a term we had a Mum/daughter weekend where she came up and took me shopping/lunch/spa/walking or even sometimes out drinking with my friends. Once a month never felt intrusive, just right. I've never moved back home and this was 16yrs ago and remained around 1.5hrs away but now I have a DD of my own. I speak to my parents at least 5 times a week and see them around once a fortnight. My DM has a busy life these days which mostly revolves around the gym as she went on a fitness vender years ago and never left it, she wanted to be fit enough to play with her DGD but she's fit enough to climb mountains now. I moved to Australia for a year last year which broke all of our hearts but there was never any discussion of me staying long term, not because I know it would break her heart, she would always support me no matter how much it hurt her, but because it would break mine. Being away from my parents is the hardest thing I've ever done. I suppose my point is that life will change but your orbits will come closer and closer again before long. Until then find something you love doing for you, something you can talk to her about and share stories of with her so she's as involved in her life as you are with hers.

squirrills No, not my blog just one I've visited!

All the best to the op and everyone going through this difficult transition.

Thanks prettyfly for your words of wisdom from the other side.

Just wondered if there were any other mums out there who are not coping all that well -as I am not - with daughter / son having just gone to uni? I kept it all together on the last day but now I'm 'home alone' I feel utterly bereft. I can't be the only one, can I?

DH and i took DD2 to uni at the weekend. She has gone far away from home, over 300 miles, and won’t be home now until Christmas. Today is the first day in a long time i have been all alone. DH is at work and i took early retirement in April so am at home most of the time. I have hobbies, interests and my dog (plus another dog this week) but i am still missing DD. I have been busy all morning and just sat down with a cup of tea then read this thread and felt my eyes welling up. I need to pull myself together!

Don't worry, they still need you!
We had lots of drama with DD1 last year who eventually came home at Easter as she hated her course. She has started afresh this year. DD2 has also gone to uni this year and text yesterday to say she wanted to come home! I ended up face timing her and managed to cheer her up. DD1 arranged for her friend to meet up with DD2 which helped as well. First proper day in uni today so hopefully some structure will help - instead of just very late nights and alcohol.
Then they come home for a month at Xmas, similar at Easter, and then come May they are in exams and nearly finished for the year.

Bellepup definitely not alone. It's day 4 since we dropped DD1 and I still feel so sad; trying to keep busy but every so often something reminds me and I too feel bereft again. Have DH and DD2 here and work but don't know what's worst, the sadness or the worry about how and what she's doing - she seems happy in texts so it's all a bit irrational but I so miss the run of the mill inconsequential chatter we used to have. Everyone I've spoken to says this is quite normal so I guess we'll all get used to it.

Can I join in? DS1 went on Friday for year one. Since then we have WhatsApped every day and spoken on the phone once. I know he is fine and we are all very proud.
I have held it altogether very well but really feel like I just want to stay at home wrapped in a big blanket watching Downton Abbey or a Doris Day film. I am totally drained. I have been at work which helps with the distraction but even more tiring. It's the same kind of feeling I get when my cat has been missing for more than 24 hours, always on your mind.
It's been good to see I'm not the only one and on the whole I think I've done really well. I am also pleased to report that today - day 5 - actually feels a bit better. Hopefully it's the start

Good luck to you and your DCS

My DS went almost 2 weeks ago - we have texted a few times, and he did phone over the weekend, which was great. I am relieved he is settling in well and sounding happy. He won't be back til Christmas as he is 400 miles away.

My DD goes on Sunday (not twins, but have ended up both starting uni in the same year) - she will be 200 miles in the opposite direction.

I have just felt exhausted since we dropped off DS, I have come down with a cold, lost my voice and now have an eye infection, and as I am never normally ill, I can only think its some kind of reaction to the stress of it all.

As the days have gone on, I have started to worry less about DS - as DD says, the fact that he's not making much contact is a good thing, it means hes busy and happy.

I am very proud of both of them, but wondering what life will be like for me in future. I am lucky in that I have a great job, but much of it is working from home, which means I have little face to face contact with other people, so am making a big effort to organise things to do in the evenings (including learning to play the Ukelele - went to my first class last night!).

My daughter has just started at uni & for all the time leading up to her going I was jollying her & my husband along & trying not to cry. Now she is gone I feel totally bereft and alone - I look on forums & there seems to be no one else feeling as I do today! Is everyone alone with their grief? All the advice I read is to get hobbies, work, be glad she's ok - I have hobbies, I work, I know she's fine but I just want her here! She did much better in her exams than her AAA offer & was given an offer at a London uni which would have meant her being only 20 mins away - I could have pushed her to go for that but did not & now I so much regret it. If there's anyone out there to talk to I would be so grateful. I'm in SW London / Surrey borders.

Ds been gone just over a week. This week feels harder. Only one. Think it will take a while to get used to it .