I'm a single mum whose only son is off to uni

[Aliacrobat]

This is my first time here in my 18 years as a single mum. I'm really struggling to cope with the current situation. My only DS has done himself (and me) proud and is off to Oxford on 2nd October. He's a confident, capable young man who, I think, is a credit to me. Bringing him up with no input from his father has been the most difficult, yet most amazing, thing I've ever done. My problem is this. He is saying he doesn't want my input at all now. I am not party (quite rightly) to communication from Oxford and he is telling me nothing. He feels that he now has to prove he can be independent of me and doesn't want me to help him prepare in any way. He has even said he wants to travel down on the train without me taking him. I don't think I've been an overbearing mum so am hurt by his complete rejection of me at this stage, when we have always enjoyed a close and warm mother-son relationship. I am deeply aware of the need to put his needs before mine, but can see that my hurt is all the more acute for being alone once he goes. I feel that other parents (couples) are surely being allowed to help their sons and daughters with this leap to independence. I've always encouraged him to be independent but now I feel this has backfired on me. Any advice on how to cope would be hugely welcome!

You tell him from me that the Big Drop Off is part of the ritual and you would like to take him up there, see his room, maybe spend 10 minutes helping him orientate his room a little, and then you will happily bugger off and leave him to it. Nearly all the other parents will be doing this and it's a rite of passage for parents and offspring. He is being a bit insensitive actually and needs to remember what you have done for him.

I'd offer to drive down sometime in October with anything he's forgotten. Say you'll take him out for Sunday lunch as a treat for you.

I would also avoid intense talks and just present him with a small 'Box of Last Resort' gift box with things like a novelty bottle opener, man flu kit from Boots for Fresher's Flu in week three (they have special Man Flu branded products!) small pack of condoms if you are that kind of family and he won't die with embarrassment, decent pen, £20 in an envelope instructing him this is to be spent on entertainment, Ramen pot, small packet of his favourite sweets, small packet of teabags, etc, then say to him something like 'It's amazing you are sorting yourself out alone, weight off my mind, but I thought I ought to make a token effort so this is a little something you are not allowed to open until at least three weeks in.' I would also book a short break somewhere and make it clear you are planning to drop him off and scoot as you have Big Plans with friends. That might reduce the pressure on him.

I've just asked my ds's opinion on this. (Ds, now going into his second year is, of course, an Expert On Everything To Do With University).

Ds's pronouncement: Doesn't he realise that every other student will be coming in a car with a parent? He'll be the only one. He's being a bit of an idiot actually. He's obviously trying to prove a point. Why wouldn't he take the help on offer?

I asked if he thought the mum should explain that she feels left out and he looked a bit surprised that parents have feelings and said: Yeah, perhaps it'll make him realise he's being a bit of a knob. (Please excuse unedited verbatim teen-speak).

This, the opinion of the student who allowed his parents to pay for and transport vast amounts of kit to his halls and ferry it to his room, but strictly not to speak out loud, to engage with or make eye contact with anyone else in the corridor in case we embarrassed him. Once said kit was dumped on his floor we were expected to leave without saying good bye in case it looked like we knew each other.

OP, I still advocate calmly telling your ds how you feel, without overloading him with 'boo hoo poor me' sentiment. You obviously don't want him to be worried about you or feel guilty in any way about leaving, but you can explain that his going off to uni is a massive rite of passage for you as well as him and that you would like to be able to mark it together.

If all else fails, as a plan B, I'd suggest asking that you could meet up with him in Oxford, maybe 3 or 4 weeks after he starts and take him out for a meal. At that point you can bring the credit card and shop for any of the extras that he discovers he needs. He may well be a bit more amenable to some tlc once he's done the main settling in.

The thing is, Haff, that it sounds like he doesn't realise that. And if his mum tells him, it will just seem like more interfering. Better for him to realise it for himself and accept a lift next time IMO!

I had a real struggle w DS last weekend re him wanting to sort out clearing by himself. I felt so hurt but also maddened. It's like they want to be fiercely independent and feel like you are a barrier to this but sometimes they haven't got the skills/ knowledge to make life easier for themselves. And total lack of empathy/ ability to compromise re yr point of view.He went off -at 7.30 didn't hear from him til 10.30 then didn't want me to come to college as he was sorting it. came back about 5 and it wasn't sorted, eventually got in to a great uni through clearing. Couple of days later once accommodation sorted I receive this, made it all worth while! I'm not looking forward to the taking him down but I haven't even acted like there is an option of me not going!

" The thing is, Haff, that it sounds like he doesn't realise that. And if his mum tells him, it will just seem like more interfering. Better for him to realise it for himself and accept a lift next time IMO! "
Good point but ...

I asked DS ( he was a fresher last year, different colleges may be different ) but he thinks your son will be in a clear minority in not accepting a lift. In his / our case there was no option for parents to hang around - college parents took over (for freshers) and parking near the college is likely to be on a closely timed slot (college regulated and just enough to unload and get up to the room). His view is , get all your stuff together and see how easy it would be on the train, e.g. duvet , pillows ,other bedding , towels , kettles, mugs , matriculation suit , books (depending on course) etc are bulky. He thinks this is a high effort, low reward way to assert your independence for the sake of your Mum or Dad being in your room for 5 - 10 mins. There are lots of other ways. But it is up to your son, obviously. It is obviously possible depending on what he takes. He can of course buy stuff when he is there, as obviously Oxford has actual shops , but, if his college is anything like DS's, the storage facilities over the holidays, for anyone other than overseas students, are scant to nothing, so he may appreciate a lift back at the end of term.

Anyway - congratulations to him and good luck.

Thanks everyone who has posted so far. I'm deeply grateful and have read, and appreciated, every word.
At my birthday meal last night (small, close family thing), my new sister-in-law exclaimed to me and DS "So, when do you need me to help you with the move down?". She has a 4x4 and apparently has helped lots of her friends move their DC to uni. Cue awkward silence, which I filled with "Well, he is really hoping to be able to get himself down there on the train...", hopefully concealing a not-insignificant amount of inner horror at the prospect of him accepting her offer! He didn't; he repeated to the table his wish to get himself down on the train.
I totally agree with feedback from your DC's experiences - so very unlikely that he'll manage to get his stuff on the train, especially given the need for two lots of sports equipment. The thing is, I trust him to know what he wants, even if he's being insensitive. He has tackled pretty much the whole uni application thing independently and calmly, which has bowled me over - including handling the interview process and exam period.
He is very fuss-averse (like me) and wants to do this in a modest, low-key way. I am going to give him some breathing space now; we have about 5 weeks until moving day. I feel reassured by the comments here that in that time either he will have worked out he's being foolish, or that we have chatted (as breezily as possible) about the whole "thing".
This morning, he gave me a big hug for my birthday, a potted rose and a beautiful, over-sized mug for my morning cuppa. I suspect the latter may have a deliberate symbolic purpose; he knows I will be thinking of him each and every day of his absence, and the mug is his way of making sure I do!

You've done an amazing job. If I can say anything remotely similar in years to come I'd be thrilled. Yes it'll be tough seeing him off but how much worse to have a kid totally dependent on you, incapable of filling in a form, asking you to do everything etc. We've all met those men teenagers. I'd say keep the lines of communication open and if he does need help give it willingly and don't imply 'I told you so'. But well done you!!!

I'm with Haffdonga - I think student age DC are old enough to understand that their actions have an impact on their family. You are not sobbing, clutching at his ankles, and begging him not to leave, (might consider that myself!) just explaining to him that you will miss him and that this is a time of big change for you as well as for him. You can reasonably tell him that you're excited for him and that for that reason you had hoped to share in the getting ready with him, although you have no intention of telling him how to do it. Your sister in law might be another person to get on board for a chat with him, if she has helped other students - he might accept from her that getting a lift is not unusual.
I am lucky, I think, in that my DS has done it with me so far, because he is not confident in form-filling etc. But I have friends who say their DDs told them nothing, and my own DD is clearly headed that way.
I feel for you - my DS goes mid-Sept and I cannot even imagine how life will go on when I cannot see him every day, as I have done, pretty much, for the last 19+ years. I'm sure there will be a thread on here for us all - I'll look out for you there.

PS. Happy birthday!

Happy Birthday! I think it'll be ok, it sounds like he's doing his thing and it's absolutely no reflection on his love for you; it's all about home flying the nest. Hard for us to deal with, but shows what a good job you've done 🌻

"Him flying the nest"

As others have said you must be so proud to have raised an intelligent and independent son. What a great reflection that is on you as a parent.

It's a bit cheesy, but I heard a saying about the role of a parent being to give their kids 'roots' and to give them 'wings'. It sounds like you've done an amazing job of both. The hug and special birthday mug from your son sound like awkward teenage boy's ways of saying that he appreciates you.

He is probably well aware that he's leaving you on your own, after his whole lifetime of being in a team of two with you. I hope you can appreciate that he's found his 'wings', hard as it will be when he goes.

Regarding arriving on his own - plenty of students do that including international students who travelled around the world independently. So he certainly won't be the only one.

Is it possible for you to arrange to go and see him for lunch a few weeks into term? That would give you something to look forward to. Also try and arrange a few things for yourself once he's gone, like a nice evening out with friends, so you have things to look forward to.

Best of luck and congratulations again on raising a wonderful, independent young man.

I've just seen eldest DD off for a year overseas and have second DD leaving to board at 6th form next week. Like you I am heading towards 50- I have youngest DD still at home but every time I walk past the two empty bedrooms my stomach lurches and I feel grey. DH works away from home. I feel as if my home has had the heart torn out- and I think that's probably just the way it is- and we all have to start thinking about new chapters as we move into this next phase. The adjustment is brutal but I have to agree with other posters that you've obviously done a fantastic job bringing your DS up to be diligent and independent and focused. He'll realise soon enough how blessed he is to have your loving support and concern. Give yourself a massive pat on the back and have a good cry. You're not alone

Well, my friends, I have this evening been reminded of this.

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I guess I should have sought it out sooner. I recall reading it during a children's service once but had buried its message whilst I luxuriate in my DS's early and middle childhood. Revising it now, it is exquisite and totally apt. I want to be the stable bow!

^Revisiting it now...

Absolutely, absolutely.

They will always be part of us, same as we are part of our parents. I've lost both my mum and dad and have no extended family close to me now, but I see parts of mum and dad in my boys and its such a comfort.

Its hard to let go, but it's our job, as much as weaning and the school run, it's our job to send them off into the world with a wave and a smile and never showing them how we truly feel, cos they'll know it one day, when they do it for their kids.

That's beautiful OP

What a beautiful poem. Lovely.

Happy Birthday.

I have enjoyed reading your thread and the poem you shared. I think you are a wonderful Mum and your son is a credit to you.

This time last year I was in a similar position myself...she was not coming home until Christmas and would ring me once a week.

Ha!! She rings me nearly every night and comes home far too much, often bringing international students (and once even an international student and the students Mum!) with her.

They need us more than they think!

Happy birthday & glad to hear you are feeling a bit better about the whole thing. Even if he doesn't change his mind about accepting a lift I think he may acknowledge that he can't bring everything on the train so may agree to you popping down with the rest at some stage. Also, as he has to clear out his room each holiday I bet he will need a lift home at Christmas. Those duvets expand once you unwrap them! Oxford is especially lovely at Christmas

Alia here's some

It sounds like your DS thinks this is the best way to do it, for him anyway. I imagine it is a huge wrench for him too.

As peeps have said he may change his mind as he sees the pile of stuff growing and the snapchats of his mates setting off in cars but he may not.

If he doesn't, then presumably he'll need a lift to the station? In which case that will be your waving off moment, whether in the car park or the station. You can pop an emergency treat package in the post to arrive early on.

I sent DD the odd postcard with a pic such as of her with our dogs (postcards online?) and one with this on which is a bit girly and also wrong sentiment for your boy.

My DD did not want parents hanging around or even worse talking to flat mates or their parents. We had a very firm time to go stare. As I walked down the stairs the tug in my chest was painful. I was ok back at home until I went into her room to shut a window and lots of her stuff was gone. Sat on her bed and cried.

For the first week or so I had a lump in my chest and wrestled with not knowing how she was. I think we are biologically programmed to look for members of our tribe if we don't know where they are and certainly for our child. The trouble is we are always playing catch up as parents and just a little bit behind the young adults we now have.

When I went to uni, aeons ago, my mum dropped me off, gave me a phone card and smiled and waved. She told me a few years ago that she cried for the 2 hour drive home. I had no idea. We are still close. She is a wonderful grandmother.

My DD2 is moving to a new city and lodgings next week to begin an apprenticeship at just 17. She is worried about loads of things, particularly how she will manage financially. DD1 a student, thinks this is funny as DD2 will have a salary and no student debt. Anyway, no matter how I try to help DD2 with her worries, she is still worried. I think the only thing that will help is to just do it. So even if DS told you every single worry, there is only so much you can do to help.

Sorry. Very long. DD1 went to uni at 19. DD2 going at 17 has blindsided me so I am with you

if its any consolation there are lots of us feeling unsettled/anxious/ happy & down in one go at the prospect of empty homes. OK I have my husband some of the time, but its not the same.

The first 2 i wasn't so bothered about. it was good for them and I still had youngsters in the house. now the youngest is going its a different ballgame.

Thank you again, everyone. It's very heartening to know that, no matter what our differing circumstances, none of us find this momentous occasion easy. I did check the empty nest thread but it looked ominously long!