I'm a single mum whose only son is off to uni

[Aliacrobat]

This is my first time here in my 18 years as a single mum. I'm really struggling to cope with the current situation. My only DS has done himself (and me) proud and is off to Oxford on 2nd October. He's a confident, capable young man who, I think, is a credit to me. Bringing him up with no input from his father has been the most difficult, yet most amazing, thing I've ever done. My problem is this. He is saying he doesn't want my input at all now. I am not party (quite rightly) to communication from Oxford and he is telling me nothing. He feels that he now has to prove he can be independent of me and doesn't want me to help him prepare in any way. He has even said he wants to travel down on the train without me taking him. I don't think I've been an overbearing mum so am hurt by his complete rejection of me at this stage, when we have always enjoyed a close and warm mother-son relationship. I am deeply aware of the need to put his needs before mine, but can see that my hurt is all the more acute for being alone once he goes. I feel that other parents (couples) are surely being allowed to help their sons and daughters with this leap to independence. I've always encouraged him to be independent but now I feel this has backfired on me. Any advice on how to cope would be hugely welcome!

Oh OP you were me last year except my ds isn't at Oxford My ds was adamant that he was leaving home and wouldn't be back for a year (except he might deign to drop in at Christmas). He fretted that his uni (2 hours from home) was 'too close' and I was allowed no input at all in the shopping list of door stops and washing powder etc etc. (Funnily enough my credit card wasn't rejected with the same vehemence). Are you in a position to help your ds financially at all? If so, would asking him to let you know what he needs 'encourage' him to involve you?

Within a month of 'leaving home' for uni, ds was home for a weekend with a bag full of dirty washing and a massive grin, delighted to be home and appreciative of me and home and he talked - about new friends at uni, old friends at home, ex girlfriends we'd never even known about at the time, money, life plans, etc etc etc. It was as if having a separate life from us meant he didn't need to protect his privacy any longer.

Don't worry. Your ds will find out that he can be independent and still need you at the same time. Congratulations on raising such a wonderful strong young man.

Last year my dd decided not to come home at all during the first (very long) term. I found that made the empty nest thing harder. I think she just wanted to immerse herself in her new life at the start. She came home more during the second & third terms.

Your ds will probably be one of the last of his peers heading off this autumn as most unis start back a little earlier. You may find that he changes his mind about getting the train when he sees his friends being dropped off by family. And when he realises how much stuff he needs to take. Unless he is a minimalist it would be pretty hard to take all his clothes, bedding, laptop, towels, etc on the train, especially if he is not planning any trips home to pick up a winter coat and so on.

I think you have to respect his wish to be independent (I was fiercely independent at that age) but let him know that you are always happy to help him sort things out if he gets stuck or just wants a second opinion.

ssd It seems like we will be going through some similar stuff...I'm going to steel myself to follow your example of crediting my son with the ability to do this for himself. If I know you're doing it, I can do it too!
Haffdonga What a lovely tale. I can completely see how letting them go might lead to greater returns. I can only hope this is how it will be for me. Of course, this has exposed the true core fear here...that I am losing him forever. From his need to buy his own kettle or whatever, I have inferred complete redundancy...forever. Here's to being very wrong.
Decorhate You do make a great point in that he will see all his friends going off in their parents' cars throughout September. He has insisted he can fit everything into one suitcase and his Duke of Edinburgh bag! Damn...if only I'd known all that packing experience would come into play at the wrong time!
I am going to respect his wishes. I too was independent to the extreme at his age, having travelled far and wide to uni interviews on my own (no open days with parents back then, or was that just me?)...and of course I've told him that (drat).
Thanks so much, everyone. I will be sleeping more peacefully tonight xxx

Your ds sounds a dote!

Aliacrobat, i'VE GOT A CONFESSION!!

I've still got a 15 yr old at home and I mother him to within an inch of his life!!! so thats how I can present as all cool and reasonable about my older son, his brother is still here for me to smother mother

My DD didn't come home in the first term. I think that is perfectly OK if they are busy. They are leading a new life but there are ways to keep in touch and most will. Oxford is a great place to visit. We spend time with DD before she moved into her second year flat in the city where she was at university. She chose where we went, the restaurants we went to and we saw the flat she and her friends had chosen. She texted details of the flats they were looking at. You just don't get to do these things with them, but you have given them the tools to be successful. Lastly, get busy and keep busy.

When I was at uni I never came home in term time! The terms were only 8 weeks long and I wasn't homesick at all. I phoned infrequently (before the days of mobile phones). These days I'm very close to both my parents, especially my mum now they provide free babysitting for me. It's just something that young adults have to go through!

Aliacrobat I've been dwelling on your post and I'm wondering perhaps if you're being a bit too brave.

Yes, your ds obviously needs to assert his independence and very publicly break those apron strings but neither should you have to hide your feelings from him (with excuses about hormones and big birthdays).

If he wants to prove he's adult and independent, he should also be mature enough to deal with other adults i.e. you, having perfectly normal feelings.

What about sitting him down and explaining honestly that while you are incredibly proud and delighted that he's off into the big wide world, it's also an incredibly bittersweet time for you? You're saying goodbye to your role as mum of a child and you're worried that you'll lose your closeness. You are also saying goodbye and you need to be allowed to do that.

I think there's nothing wrong with explaining that you really need to accompany him to uni, to load the car with duvets and kettles and see him off. You understand that it's not that he needs you but you do need to be allowed to carry out this this fairly symbolic role for yourself. You can promise to do it without interfering, without crying, without clinging and to allow your new adult relationship to be shaped at his pace.

it sounds like you've done such a great job with him. Now allow him to develop a bit of that empathy that you've been using in return.

I like Haffdonga's post above. You are allowed to have perfectly normal parental feelings!

My eldest was in halls last year that had to be emptied at Christmas and Easter. A friend of hers lives far away and his family couldn't do all the toing and froing - they dropped him and all his stuff in October, and picked him up in June, but for the holidays he loaded up a taxi, dumped most of it in a self-storage place, and got the train home. I have to admit I'm struggling to work out being able to take everything in two bags! Does that include bedding?

At most places, you literally have time to unpack the car and that's that. It's not like he'd have you hanging about all day!

Anyway, glad that he was more chatty about things yesterday Maybe in a few weeks time he'll realise that discussing plans is quite usual even for independent adults, and that getting a lift might be more pleasant that lugging everything on the train

Haffdonga Ah, now you have touched a nerve. I am being brave. I did the same when his dad left us when DS was sixth months old. I've always tried to put him first. What you say makes sense. I have (after another cry) thought about how I could go about fessing up to him - I'm not sure I can do it until I've got myself together a bit more - but I think I maybe should. The truth is exactly how you describe it - I do want to take him, because I'm proud and happy for him, and proud and happy for me too! And it hurts that his new friends will be dropped off by their parents. That is the other factor here: that I am a single mum, and that it has made things more difficult for him. Possibly because we are close, and he's keen not to be seen as a "mummy's boy", possibly because he's a little embarrassed by my singlehood (I can also be a little lairy!) and possibly because there's no male (dad) to tell him that it's ok to have your mum do all this stuff right now. I have accepted the months ahead once he's gone (and his 8 weekly return trips home), as I am desperate to regain my own independence(mmm, wonder where he gets it from?) so it really is more about him cutting me out of the preparations and journey down. I'm going to try to find a time to talk to him in the way you suggest. Failing that, I might ask my mum to perhaps broach it with him and relay how I might be feeling to him.

AtiaoftheJulii Yes, you're right too. I am allowed to be feeling this. The two bags thing is odd, I agree, but you see he hasn't shown me any list of what he needs to take and I don't think he is planning to ask me to take him shopping. He told me last night that even if I tried to help out, he wouldn't accept anything I might buy for him (and he wasn't being mean or nasty, just trying to tell me how he feels). He is a lovely lad, and none of this is meant to hurt me, of that I am sure. I am hopeful that he will come round to wanting me to take him anyway (even if he does do all the prep himself). A chat, perhaps when we're in the car, about how I feel about it all might just be the right thing to do, even if there is a risk of it not changing anything.

You know, I am so touched by the thoughtful replies I've received. I have never asked for support like this, so have never received it. You are an amazing group of people. How wonderful it is to feel connected in this way to such insightful, intelligent and sensitive women. Thank you so very much.

You sound like a lovely person and lovely mum Op.
Haffdonga and Atia are right as well.
Good luck Op.

You have done very well. All children differ. I am a single parent of a few and one as home almost every weekend at university and the others came home at end of term and hardly even called in between. I went off at 17 to university and did not come home in between times (I could not afford it) and I was delighted to be on my own. Some teenagers are very mature and just want to deal with things themselves and some are not. When my youngest go next year it will be different yet again, no doubt.

Most parents drive the children down and most children want that because there is so much stuff. I tended to go right away the car was unloaded. Other teenagers want their parents to stay for prolonged good byes, meals out and the like.

I suspect you may find that telling him about your new interests and life after October goes down best with him rather than how you can help him, although he may well want to come home after he graduates as many children do (mine did for law school) so don't assume once he's gone he's gone by any means. I cannot seem to be rid of mine for love nor money, lovely though they are. I joke it would be nice to have one night a year with no children here yet my elderly neighbour says probably correctly when they don't ever visit or see you it can be pretty awful.

i was in exactly the same situation and was a single mum for 10 years before meeting my current husband, and like you was excluded.

Mine is 34 now and told me a few years back that although he loved me very much he needed that first step into independence without my interference.

By year 2 and 3 he was including me more but felt it was his "baby".

Looking back I was inclined to be over protective although I didn't see it at the time and he needed that first step to independence alone.

i wouldn't take it personally.

As I read this thread I was about to post exactly what Haffdong said.
While it's one thing holding back the tears and pinning on a smile as you wave them off, this is different.
He sounds like a fabulous son and you are rightly proud, but he has got this wrong. Sometimes 18 year olds are lacking in empathy and I rather suspect that if you spelt it out to him he would be mortified at the hurt he has caused.
I agree about explaining to him how difficult this stage is for you, perhaps more than other parents and that his insistence on excluding you is making it even more painful.
I see nothing wrong in him including you in his plans for your benefit.

Maybe I'm in the wrong, but I dont agree with telling him how you feel. I think this puts too much of a burden on his young shoulders. I know he is being a bit selfish and not showing you empathy, but I feel this is what being 18 is all about.... he knows you are always there for him, he doesnt need to question this, but this is his time to do it his way and when/if it goes a bit wrong he knows he has you to turn to and you'll help out if you can.

I went abroad at 18 for 2 years alone, and now as a mum with an 18 year old, I dont know how my mum stood it, but she did and never complained, just waved me off with a smile. If she had a talk with me about how hard this was for her and how I should try to understand her feelings I really think this would have shaken me up a lot...as it was I went a very confident, if very naive 18 yr old who felt sure she had the world at her feet...

just my POV, I know, but I say let them be 18 and headstrong, when reality hits they know where you are..

As they say, if you love a thing (or person) you have to let it go....but it/he will come back. You have done a wonderful job in raising a fine young man and you should be so proud of yourself.

However, I agree with the previous posters who say don't tell him how you feel; you don't want him to feel guilty at this exciting time in his life by being too needy.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell though!

Sorry OP, but I agree with ssd and pimms about not telling him how you feel as it will make him feel guilty. It's ok to admit it and laugh about it when he comes home for xmas though!

Although I live my dp now, I have one son (not dp's) who is off to uni soon too.

My ds is not independent at all and uni is going to be a great experience for him.

I know it's hurtful but I think it's fantastic, your ds wants to stand on his own two feet and prove he's his own man. You should be proud of that.

Going to Oxford is an amazing achievement - for both of you! He could t have done it without you.

as a single parent my son went to university 23 years ago.
it was heartbreaking but I let him go and do things his way because he wanted to be independent. I did not even go to the open days when he was choosing his university - although he told me lots of other parents did (and this was when there was much less 'helicopter' parenting and keeping in touch.)
I hope you have family nearby and a job to keep you occupied to ease the transition from him always being there and under your supervision to him being as 'free as he wants to be'.
It does get better and you will establish a new kind of relationship with him and he will appreciate you are there always to support him without interfering

just read the pps - do not tell him how it hurts you and how you are feeling -
let him go with a smile on your face and a hug - save the tears for when you are on your own.

Well done - I agree about not telling him too much of how you feel, it's a bit of a burden for him. Like a PP I went off abroad for a year and my mum didn't mention any of her fears or any focus on herself. It's quite hard for a teenager to take in at that age. If she had done it would have reduced my confidence I think and made me feel a sense of obligation to keep in touch, rather than doing it because I wanted to. See if you can turn it round a bit and start your preparations for what you are going to do while he's gone- are there walking groups or other activities you can start to take part in. It's your new life; you're not too old :-) . I'm a single mum aged 50 too by the way. My children are younger, and I don't know if they'll manage to get to uni. If they do I think I will buy a dog !!

Well done you on raising a strong, independent lad.

Could you ask him to compromise with going up,to Oxford. Firstly, will he be able to carry everything on the train? Perhaps you could say you'd like to take him up, then buy him a 'last supper' meal. It's more common for,parents to drop their offspring off then not (and then never hear from them again, unless they want money!).

Wow you have clearly done a wonderful job in raising a clever and competent young man who is embracing his future. I would congratulate him wholeheartedly on how he has secured and managed his offer. Tell him that this is an emotional time for you but everything is turning out exactly as hyoid had hoped for him. I put fa on a plane to the other side of the world when he was 13. I said to him 'I will cry at the airport because I am sad to say goodbye , but that doesn't mean I don't want you to go!' He completely got that distinction.

Hyoid = I had
Fa = ds

This thread has me sobbing. I'm a single mum to one DD who starts her GCSEs next week and I'm already dreading her leaving home. It's such a massive change when 100% of the other residents of your house leave home.

I just wanted to add another perspective though on your son's choice. I did the exact same thing 25 years ago when I went to university. I refused offers of a lift in my parents' estate car and insisted on going on the train with a rucksack and a bin bag.

I claimed it was because I was independent. Actually it was because I was dreading saying goodbye, and couldn't face having to wave them off. I just wanted to let myself out when they were at work.

I also pushed them away at the end. It was a bit of bravado and a bit to prove I could cope on my own.

I too was home by mid October and home for all the holidays. We're really close now and speak on the phone most days even though I still live up north where I went to uni.

Good luck OP and look after yourself.