Homesick at university

[homesickfresher]

Hi all. I've been following the preparing for uni thread quite closely all summer but made an account to post because I've just started university and moved into halls yesterday - the uni is about a 5 hour drive from home and I'm feeling really homesick do you have any advice on how to deal with it? I've rung my mum already and just keep crying. I'm not much of a drinker so I haven't been going to the club nights and am just feeling so lonely.

Sorry to hear your homesick. Have you been chatting to your flatmates? They're likely feeling a bit the same.

Do you have a JCR committee? Maybe try and see what non drinking events are on, I know several unis have laid on non drinking events, so there are lots of opportunities to meet similar minded people.

Are you catered or self catered? The kitchen is a good place to get chatting and if you're catered, look for someone else on their own and ask if they mind if you join them. I'm sure they won't mind and you might make a new friend.

*you are, NOT your! Grrr

Does your university have a mentor group, where you sign up to the group, they ask you to fill in a few probing questions eg personality, what your interest are, where your from etc.. you are assigned to a mentor who will look at your profile aswell as others, he/ she will then arrange in small group of 5-6 like minded people and they meet for dinner or venues. Great way of meeting people who are like yourselves. My own dd found her friends this way, rather than those from halls which she is getting along with, but no shared interest and doesn't go out with.

Has the societies fair happened yet? That could be a good way to find likeminded friends without involving clubbing.

Set yourself small goals - cooking dinner, reading a book, finding the supermarket. Rearrange your room a bit.

Also, if you can, bake a cake. Seriously, made 2 of my best friends at uni after I made a cake and announced on FB that anyone who wanted a piece was welcome to come and visit!

Just little things to help make it all feel a bit more homely. Halls/student houses can be right weird places - it is completely and utterly normal to be feeling like this. It is a huge step to move out and to a completely new place - try to be easy on yourself.

Has your course started yet?

I was like this too. It's a shock to the system to suddenly be away from home, and can be hard to integrate if your world doesn't revolve around drinking and clubbing. I understand and remember what it's like.

The first thing I'll say is stop calling home as often. Homesickness doesn't go away while you're still pining for and comparing Uni life to your home life. I remember trying to only call my mum if I had something good to tell her - this meant I not only called her less, but I made sure I achieved something positive. Even if it's just that you've made your first ever lasagne, or figured out the launderette, or came third in a pub quiz!

Secondly, things get better after Fresher's Week. In the first week, there are no lectures and it really is just about partying and socialising. Once you meet others on your course you'll probably find you have more in common with them than your flatmates. Also, since Fresher's Week is only one week, I'd try and show willing a couple of times and go out clubbing, even if only to have something to laugh about and bond over with your flatmates the next day.

Try and establish and routine and familiarity as soon as you can. Go and explore the campus and local area. Something that helped me a lot was just hopping on random buses (I was in London but you could do the same in most places) and seeing the local area that way. I got to know where things were and felt orientated more quickly. It's surprising how much more in control you feel when you know where things are. It also helps with making friends when you can show others around.

Uni won't ever feel like your parents home, but it will start to feel like your own little home eventually, I promise.

Oh I could have written this when I first started uni. With the exception that my uni was only an hour from home, I felt exactly the same. I went home every weekend for like the first six weeks and cried nearly everyday.

Anywayyyy that maybe isn't helpful.

But what I will say is that by Halloween I had friends. I know I did because I remember spending it with them. So it did definitely get better, it just took a bit of time.

What kind of things are you into? I wasn't a big drinker either (then...) but I made friends with people in my halls. I can't even remember how tbh (again, not helpful), but we used to go to pub quizzes together, and ate meals together (I was in semi-catered halls).

When do your lectures start? You might find things easier when you start meeting people on your course.

Also, it is TOTALLY normal to feel homesick. So many people do (just some people are better at hiding it than others!). I think the only person I met who was totally fine with it was a ridiculously posh boy who had been at boarding school since he was like 6 (and he had whole other issues aside from homesickness!).

Awww thank you everyone, you're so lovely! I think for me what is worrying me is something we were told in a welcome talk yesterday - that quite often uni doesn't feel like home, but when we go home for Christmas, home doesn't feel like home either and that thought is really scaring me my sister and parents all cried saying bye to me and I guess part of me just wants home life forever because I loved it all so much and I'm scared of change... anyway I should stop rambling.

Horsemad, I think I'm going to a games night tonight that the JCR have organised for us.

Mcnikkies that sounds great but we don't have that!

Educated that's next Saturday which I'm looking forward to! I've decided to have a baking night with a couple of the girls in my flat which should be good too!

Mackerel thank you that all sounds great and I suppose I can't be expecting everything to feel right on day 2!

blibblobblub lectures start next week which I'm looking forward to! I feel like in the day I'm just wafting around doing nothing...

Then again I suppose that lectures are just another source of worry because I'm scared I'll fall behind and won't do well and stuff - but that's another problem for another day I suppose...

The chances of you meeting great friends among the people who you were randomly allocated to share a flat with are fairly slim to be fair. You will probably have more in common with people on your course. And even more in common with people who have joined the same societies as you.

Try and go out and find your people; you can't just sit in and wait for them to find you.

It sounds like you've actually got it under control

And that thing about home not feeling like home at Christmas is bollocks. I've not properly lived at home since I've graduated, and my parents is still home home. It did feel a bit different, but only because I realised that after a month of being at home, I was excited to get back to the freedom and fun of being at my uni home

Just take it a day at a time Set yourself one new challenge every day. Smile at everyone! You'll feel better and they'll feel better too if they're down.

Enjoy your games night!

Don't panic about it, OP. What you're feeling us entirely normal, and it will pass as a matter of course as you find your feet. Don't think it will aKWASS feel this acute. And don't worry about your home not being your home any more - honestly, it's not going anywhere, and the changes you will undergo between now and Christmas are good, inevitable ones, to do with growing up and independence.

They phrased it badly. Home will always be home and you might love it even more, if possible, when you go back. However, you will also know what it is like to live independently and the benefits that brings (it will bring some eventually!).

They should have phrased it - you will have two homes rather than none.

I think your going to be fine . Go out there and explore asthough it's a new adventure . Your mum and dad will always be there to support you all the way. Friendships take a while, no need to rush or feel pressured to find your feet asap. One step at a time. Good luck bet your parents are very proud of you

It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. Remember that nearly everyone you come across at the moment has also just left home and a lot of them will be feeling much the same as you.

As others have said, once your timetable properly starts you will have a routine and more to do. Try and get to know the others on your course, perhaps suggest going for a coffee with some of them and join your subject society if there is one.

You have moved to a new town, started a new 'job' and are meeting lots of new people. It's bound to feel strange and a bit overwhelming at times but you are doing BRILLIANTLY . The baking night sounds lovely

Honestly, I think you're going to be fine.

My halls weren't divided into flats, we just had corridors with rooms going off (a bit like a really shit hotel). I spoke to my nearest neighbours in the first few days, but they didn't become my friends. My friends lived further down my corridor and upstairs. So like pp have said, don't worry if your flatmates don't become your best friends.

I thought you might have been my daughter from your op as she knows I'm on here - but then I saw you are 5 hrs away from home and she's 1.

What you are feeling is perfectly Normal. And you are doing all the right things . It just takes time .

Chin up - it will all work out x

I think for me what is worrying me is something we were told in a welcome talk yesterday - that quite often uni doesn't feel like home, but when we go home for Christmas, home doesn't feel like home either and that thought is really scaring me

Oh that's just bollocks, don't dwell on that. It's more than a decade since I left for Uni and the house I grew up in has been redecorated and renovated beyond recognition, but going there always feels like going home because it's where my family are. Trite as it sounds, home really is where the heart is.

Honestly, you'll go back and it'll feel exactly the same. I promise.

I can sort of see what he was saying, in that you start to discover that your family and familiar surroundings are no longer your whole world - but they're still going to be pretty close to the centre of it.

I remember the talk we were given by the Dean on our first evening, and she told us that the people she met on her first day at university were the people who became her best friends, bridesmaids and godparents to her children.

I felt like a total failure because there was nobody I'd met in the first day, week or even month who I had that much in common with.

I didn't meet those people until the second term. :)

Aw OP, have a hug from me, chin up :)
I was a fresher in '12, in my final year now, and when you settle in it's just brilliant feeling so much more independent. I can't say I've ever felt homesick but I know what it's like to want to be somewhere else than where you are.
You sound lovely and I'm sure you'll soon find some equally fab people to hang out with which I promise will make all the difference. They will be your second home :)

I've lived in four different places (now back in halls on my fifth) since I left home and home does feel a bit different but not in a bad way at all. I just have different "bases" now.

Oh and I didn't make any friends on my corridor at all (all friendly but we didn't gel) - I met mine through classes & just randomly. One girl in my class happened to live on the next corridor so I had a buddy for cigarette breaks on the fire escape on insomniac nights, otherwise I just knew people from other halls.
Lucky you having a proper kitchen to bake in though! We had a dingy pantry thing which flooded randomly, no oven or stove or anything.

Re: the work, IME lecturers really ease you into it. And you got on the course so you're clearly capable.

It's a long way to be from home and sometimes I think the amount of ways you can now keep in contact with home is counter-productive in these early days, when you need to be immersing yourself in the new adventure. Back in my day (a staggering 25 years ago) we shared one payphone between 90-odd people so our parents had literally no idea if we were alive or dead for weeks on end. (And the reverse; just before I left for uni my step-dad was in his office when an IRA bomb went off next door, he was lucky to be uninjured and if he had been near the window could well have died - I didn't phone home for 3 days as I was on hols and we weren't watching the news so had no idea.)

What are you actually doing all day at uni if lectures haven't started? I remember registration taking forever, then finding out about societies and stuff, and then straight into classes. I knew a couple of people from my same school, I ran into someone I recognised from the open day and everyone else I hung out with was either on my course or in my halls. Oh yes, and I met people in what felt like the endless queue to open a bank account, I imagine that's a bit easier nowadays.

Make yourself go along to a few societies, just force yourself to do a bit of rather unnatural socialising (everyone's in the same boat at the beginning) and it'll start to come together.

Hi, what you're describing seems very normal. There is so much pressure and anticipation that freshers week is going to be amazing, when in fact it's a bit terrifying. From what my DD said, as soon as lectures start, seminar groups etc, you start to fit in. Join societies and be brave. It's a big adjustment living away from home and my DD only felt things were normal again at Easter (Uni feeling 'normal' and home feeling 'normal'). She now says she almost has two homes and is really enjoying Uni, but still feels part of the family when she's home. Don't worry and being far away from home is good in some ways because otherwise it would be very tempting to pop home all the time. Keep busy and try out societies - they're a really good way of making friends with people who have the same interests and above all give yourself time to adjust. Good luck

Hah, one of my uni friends got home at Christmas to find her parents had started a mushroom farm in her bedroom.

I suspect yours will be a nicer homecoming than that!

Oh and it's worth spoiling yourself a bit you know - nice food, order some prints/posters/a rug for your room, a new album or trashy book for downtime.