So are our children resilient?

[MarianneSolong]

Interesting article here. It's about American universities, but I think the issues in the UK are similar.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201509/declining-student-resilience-serious-problem-colleges

figment good point.

I think it's really important that from a young age our DC experience lots of things in which they do not excel and take them right out of their comfort zone.

This is doubly true of the highly able (academically).

Taking part in activities where you are not the best, realising that it doesn't matter and congratulating the 'winner' is invaluable.

There was a thread not so long ago about high flying under achievers.

There was definitely a common theme of the grade A student being out at sea when the going got tough or there was no obvious path to success.

I think there is a bit of a mismatch embedded in our educational system. Cognitive ability is a necessary precursor to career success, but without resilience and confidence underachievement is almost guaranteed!

I think one thing we can do as parents is to encourage DC to get involved in activities beyond the academic.

And not just those things in which they can add another accomplishment.

DofE is a good one. Carting a tent, stove and food for three days across Cumbria. In the rain. Now that builds resilience .

I can't see why there's a rush to adulthood or why resilience and total independence at a young age are considered good things.

Adulthood lasts a long time and it's no rose garden so I think string out childhood for as long as you can reasonably get away with it!

I was a parent who attended open days and some of the talks. I did so because university is so expensive and competition for jobs so severe that I wanted to avoid dc going to places which would be wrong for him. At 18, you are not always the best person to judge these things all by yourself. And of course, there is the issue of me paying for quite a lot of it. Ds has chosen a subject I did at university and I think my input was helpful. Dh and I helped narrow down his choices, based on our knowledge if him and our greater life experience but final choices were his alone and he picked well, I think.

When I went to university, I had no real support. Yes I am resilient but was I happy? No. Do I remember uni fondly? No. For kw it was something I had to do to get the career I wanted. Perhaps if my parents had been more involved I would have made better choices. They did their best but because I was a confident teen they just trusted that I knew what I was doing but at 18 who really does?

I don't think that boarding school is a great idea tbh. Parents are not involved in the day to day raising of their children and later congratulate themselves on the dc being so resilient, but frankly they've had to be. I don't think that's ideal.

I also think it's sad to be irritated at texts asking for advice on washing etc. I love that my ds just text me about random stuff. It means we are still involved in each other's everyday lives. I still talk to my parents every day. It hasn't inhibited my life in any way.

Anyway, I see my ds getting more independent each day and that's great but if it takes a while then it's no big deal.

Sorry, massive post but meant to add that resilience just means being able to cope with what life throws at you without going under. I think parental involvement supports the process. You don't feel alone so are more able to get on because you know there is back up.

I do think it's a balance. I certainly have been involved to some extent, more as a critical friend to bounce ideas off. However, I was very cautious not to become too influential - as I was persuaded to do a uni course that yes, adults and school felt would serve me better, after all what did I know at 18?

The result was an unhappy experience and I didn't enjoy my course.

I go agree there is no real rush though, most children will get there, for some it will take more time than others.

Interesting comment about the underachievers who go off to uni with fab grades but somehow don't shine in the same way. I know there has been a lot of work looking at achievers in life as there is not the correlation you might expect with grades and later success.

I believe confidence is important but also the desire to be involved in the work, that not easy to fake for long!

I totally agree figment your comment about the importance of emotional resilience. Practical stuff, however complicated can be learnt and overcome with persistence and practice. The mental side of things is one thats built overtime. I'm actually not too bothered if dd was phoning/ texting to say something silly like she doesn't know how to work the washing machine, providing she's tried, read the manual then comes to us for help because she's stuck. I would be bothered if it's through laziness and no effort from her part.
I try and instill that "go for it" or " have a go" attitude with dd and to set achievable goals one step at a time. But also the mentality of, if you don't suceed the first time it's ok, can always try again and improve or find a different root, have a flexible mindset. In that way she dosent feel too depressed, beat herself up about knock backs or failure it just part of lifes obstacles nothings ever plain sailing. It's just a bonus if it is.

I don't think that boarding school is a great idea tbh. Parents are not involved in the day to day raising of their children and later congratulate themselves on the dc being so resilient, but frankly they've had to be. I don't think that's ideal.

I don't think this is really fair - DD was a weekly boarder from the age of 14 because the course she was studying (in France) was too far from home. She chose to go and she thrived. Incidentally her place was funded by the state so we are by no means "posh".

My DD has just started at university in UK - she is resilient, confident and thriving and I am very proud of her. Any suggestion that I was not involved fully in her life is insulting and implies prejudice and lack of understanding about boarding.

I did not "farm" my parenting out - I supported my DD to do something that she wanted to do at the age 14. If you think it's hard having an empty nest at 18 try it at 14 - it's not a picnic.

However I will add that her earlier independence - making friends, travelling to and from lycee (3 hours away), dealing directly with tutors etc... has made her more confident and it was something I noticed when I dropped her off last week. She was the youngest there (17) but engaged with other students and parents with confidence and was more than able to hold her own.

Whether this is just DD (she has been resilient in that we left the UK when she was 7 and DD was then educated in France - so is used to challenges) I can't say.

That said she'll still bring her washing home, texts me about how to cook simple dishes, has already asked for money (loan not in yet), took her favourite cuddly away with her and messages me and her DF most days :)

Mine has surprised me with his ability to cope so far. He's dealt with some annoying administrative problems probably more patiently than I would have done, and he's asking me intelligent questions about things he's now realised he doesn't know how to do (mostly cooking-related) rather than just opening a tin of beans instead.

I'm not sure how he's getting on socially as it's the one thing I haven't asked on the grounds that I'm not sure I'm going to like the reply. I don't think he's actually getting on badly with people, but he's quite likely just to keep himself to himself and not try very hard to make friends. He's said things like "I know someone else who couldn't get into the website" or "I heard some people got their loan on Monday" so he's obviously talking to people a bit, but he hasn't said anything like, "I'm going abseiling with Mike and Steve on Tuesday" or anything similar that would suggest he was getting really close to anyone.

But on the whole I'm quite pleased that he seems to be content.

Pasta, I think your situation is a little different to that of most boarders. Your dd was 14, but many children board from a much earlier age. It is quite unusual for a child to choose boarding school. I'd say it is more common for the parents to make that choice for them. Your dd chose it because she couldn't get what she needed otherwise, but that isn't true for everybody who sends their child to boarding school.
Those dc who board while they are still young children are growing up without parental involvement in their day to day lives. I don't think this is good.

I agree; who needs 'resilience' at 8 or whatever ridiculously young age they're sent off to boarding school?
Plenty of time for resilience/independence as they get older, imo.

I also wonder if it is a result of having a lot of pressure to do not just well but outstandingly well. I think that makes you more unsure and nervous and less able to cope.

Tinkly - It is the only course of its kind in the UK and it is at LCF. They just get shed-loads of applicants for the course.

Mine wanted to board. They liked the idea of friends being around all the time. We live in a tiny village and they had no friends to pop round the corner to see. They were not sent off at 8. Very few girls board at 8. They were seen very regularly. In fact I saw more of them in school plays, house drama, music, house suppers, sport, dance, chapel, choir and musical ensembles than I ever did when they were at school in the nearest town. Please do not suggest that children are not loved and supported that board. If the children see everyday life and school blending as a good thing, then why should they not be allowed to go if we can afford it? I only mentioned the boarding element because it gave context to what I was posting. That is not to say children who go to day school all have helicopter parents.

Most parents pay for some element of university education but not all parents go to the talks and question every element of university life and sort every little detail out because they are paying. Guidance on good courses/universities is relatively easy if you know the subject. The young person can work out what they like/dislike about a university. Plenty of young people end up on courses such a law because their parents want it. It does not always mean they are happy if the course is not what they would have chosen.

People do have strong views about boarding and certainly boarding at 8 is a very different proposition from say 12,16 or weekly boarding.

However I think it is a mistake to equate boarding, or even the ability to navigate airports independently at a young age, as evidence of psychological resilience. Resilience grows when a young person feels supported in all sorts of regular inconsequential ways day by day, so that they learn to develop trustful and empathetic relationships with adults throughout their lives.

I think it is a tough call to expect an institutional environment to replicate the sort of parenting that builds security and empathy.

Why do you think a boarding school is an "institutional" environment and that children are separated from normal parenting? Perhaps you need to get into the 21st century! My children are fully supported and, as I said, I had used boarding as an illustration, not saying it was better or worse.

I used the going abroad example because it shows how some children have a strong desire to do something out of the ordinary and achieve simething without having someone with them all the time telling them what to do and how to do it. I do not necessarily think it is better to do this at 13 or 18. However, I do think that children become young adults at university and years ago no parents used to go to open days, find accommodation, check up that deadlines were met or even in our case, take their children to university. I think a halfway house is better and that is what we have tried to do. I used the examples to explain that some children thrive on less parental involvement in day to day decisions. I am not qualified to say if that makes them psychologically resilient. Not even sure I know what it means and I did read the article!

School is institutional full stop.

So those that board, spend more time in an institutional setting, than those that don't.

This is surely unarguable fact?

Isn't there a condition coined "boarding school syndrome " suffered by some boarders with difficulties as they get older into adulthood from anxiety, depression and problems with sustaining long term relationships due to the worry of abandonment ? .... obviously some would have loved the experience but there are long term mental health issues suffered by some.

Yes She'sgotall, a school is an institutional setting, and obviously if your DC is there all week/term, then there is not much "normal" (as in casual, routine, run of the mill, day to day) parenting going on.

Not sure that this is a particularly last century observation (?!?) unless skyping, texting etc are now seen as plugging the gap in some way.

We'll have to just disagree about this and move on!