Quite, introvert dd going to uni, need advice, tips or reassurance.

[Chrissy1972]

We have been worried for some time with how dd is going to cope at uni in Sept (pending results). She's a introvert, likes to work alone/ independently has a few close friends that are similar to her, shes not at all a social butterfly, dislikes crowds and too much noise, prefers to work behind the scenes and doesn't like attention.
The problem is I feel Uni seems to gear more towards the extroverts, socially and guessing there will be team group work and presentations, so I'm worried she will feel overwhelmed, won't be able to make friends and feel an outcast. Although I know she is used to that kind of life from school but I don't really want her to have to do the same at uni. She says she will always be a introvert and will try and adapt.
I think maybe me and DH is more anxious then she is.

Part of it is to to do with her confidence as she was bullied when she was younger and part due to her quite placid personality. Shes a bright child straight A*/A gcse and all A's in her AS's one of her teachers was quite blunt in her last term at 6th form, pointed out that she won't go far in life with getting jobs if she doesn't speak up, and act more confidently and that it's not all about having intelligence and good grades, if she can't impress in a job interview her hard work will be for nothing. Whilst I understand what he is saying, it doesn't make it easier for us.
Anyone out there who has gone through similar situation, any tips or advice for us or dd. Or should me and DH just let dd find her own feet and not to worry too much.

Thanks to anyone who can advise or for anyone who is in same boat as us. How are you coping and are you worried like us.

Can I just add that depending on the Hall, your dd may need to do more than leave her door open.
DS was in a self-contained shared flat/kitchen with about 15 others. The position of his room meant not many people went past his door.
DS took to hanging out in the kitchen with his laptop so he was around when other flat mates were, but also was able to zone out if it was quiet.
Often being included depends on nothing more than actually physically being in the same room when plans are made.
Tip for ice breaker, is to take a big box of sweets eg Celebrations in to the kitchen on the first day for everyone to share.
From my limited experience of 2 universities, at DS1 uni the girls were given access into the accommodation the day before the boys.
At DS2 university, the students had to complete a checklist about the type if personality they are & what type of flat they wanted to be put in.
Eg late night party animals, or quieter study types.

Thank you snow for the introverts insight of uni life and how you've managed to cope it's very interesting. I'm taking away lots of handy tips that I can pass on to dd that actually is very doable and won't be too taxing on her, introverts survival guide so to speak. DD didn't manage to register for ensuite as her offer was given quite late on, well after accomodation bookings opened. Hopefully she can get that changed on day of results.
why this is what I'm hoping, dd spend more time in the communal kitchen, she doesn't mind washing up or making cups of tea and coffee, baking cakes and biscuits, so hoping this will help break the ice.

I don't know if any other mums who's dc's who are introverts have the same kind of traits as dd but she gets very upset if there's loud arguments/ disagreements amongst groups or individuals even when it doesn't involve her, she seems very sensitive. She will retreat and is withdrawn. Maybe because she fears confrontation and arguments that's why she rather not mix with others. Wish I was a psychologist. At times I don't know if I'm mixing up her behaviours with introvertness, lack of confidence, self esteem or shyness for some of her social problems. Or they all interlinked with each other in some way. Me and DH are pretty outgoing people so I don't think it's us.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think it's great that you're thinking about this, and I hope that your daughter has a good experience at university.
Afraid I haven't got anything else to add that hasn't already been mentioned.

Chrissy, my DD hates confontration and arguments too (possibly in a different way to your DD, she gets really irritated) and she just used to stand up and go off to her room. Incidentally, she never had an ensuite and it wasn't a problem

The only thing I'd say from what you have written - let her find her own way. Don't worry when there is no need. Let her be her own person. Don't project your fears on to her. I was possibly a bit guilty of this because my DD was such a funny thing but it was my fears not hers. You could make it worse if you are worrying unnecessarily. Why should everyone be the same? Your DD may be happy in herself. I now know my DD was, she had an inner confidence I didn't know was there. She is happy to be on her own, happy with her own company. She is now in her twenties and has done so well and couldn't be happier, she has a fantastic career, lives in a flat with others she never knew before she moved in, has a boyfriend, great social life etc. Your DD will get there, I'm sure.

As long as your DD keeps her door open, sits in the lounge area at every opportunity, is warm and smiley, and is generous with sweets/cakes, she will be fine.

I think she has a huge advantage in knowing she's introverted, I wish I'd been more aware of that at Uni, and that it was ok to have alone time to recharge, but to keep on making an effort.

But it's probably not too helpful to be completely labelled! She'll find her own way.

I think the other thing you might need to do is to make sure that your DD knows:
who/what/where the Student Counselling Service is
who/where her Personal Tutor is

Your description of her suggests she has a lt of difficult work to do in maturing. She is going to have to learn a better way of dealing with conflict than retreat, as debate & discussion are part of the way she'll be taught & will learn at university. And it is inevitable hat there will be debate & discussion in her flat/share house/halls and project groups.

She'll need to develop strategies to tell herself that difference, debate and conflict are OK, and she needs to participate. It's tough stuff to learn, especially as you describe someone who habitually responds by withdrawal and retreat.

A good university will have good support: I'm not suggesting counselling as such, but checking out peer support groups (for example, one university where I did a QAA visit had student/peer groups for those with alcohol abuse problems: a sort of Student AA).

I get the feeling she's going to need to some extra guidance in learning how to deal with being in the big wide world.

Chrissy1972 - my dd has just finished her second year at university. I well remember the anxiety I felt, because she is an introvert, like me! I know it's hard, but try not to voice too many fears and just encourage her. Something I'd say to anyone whose child is a new student - if you are lucky you meet like-minded people in the first few days, but if you don't and it takes you a little longer to make friends, it is very common and nothing to be ashamed of or blame yourself for. I agree with the clubs and societies idea.

Also, if you are close to her it is worth giving her the support she needs in the first few weeks, especially. If my dd was feeling low or lonely we used to Skype and text and I let her take the lead, so that I wasn't interrupting her if she was getting to know people. Leaving home for the first time is daunting for most people, even the extroverts, who are possibly better at covering up their fears.

Also, encourage her not to come home too much or too early. It sounds hard, but it makes it a lot more difficult to settle if they come home too often at first. We visited my dd, who was at university five hours from home, halfway through the term, just once, and then she came home at Christmas. She did make the effort to talk to people and has good friends now. I won't pretend that it was all easy - but they do get there in the end. I hope this helps.

roussette this is what I'm fearing most projecting my fears on to dd, which may make her even more anxious, so I am mindful not to, although iam being brutally honest on this thread about my thoughts and fears I'm not telling her, but trying to find a more practical way. Plus noting ways I could advise her if fresher weeks become too much. I know if we minus her social shortcomings, she is a very happy bunny, providing she can do it independently, she can catch a plane on her own, walk for miles in the most obscure treks, bungee jump she has no fears of personal risks but just fears having to get too close to large groups of people, could be a trust issue too I think. I wish I could find the root of it all, If it was learnt behaviour, it can be undone, I thinking like phobias.

upthechimpney thanks for the pointer dd needs to get the right people involved. I also feel the same, dd will need alot of guidence with dealing with people. It's the one thing I feel is holding her back. Having the best grades and brains in the world is going to be useless if she can't articulate and communicate it effectively to the people she will work with.
I'm definatley more optimistic now since I started the thread that's for sure, it's going to be a very steep learning curve for dd, she knows that too and I'm beggining to accept that there will be alot more personal struggles she will have to overcome before things get better.

I'm an introvert and loved uni! I found school stressful-worrying about fitting in, worrying about being popular etc However at uni I found it much easier to find people like me and find a group of friends that I fitted in with. There are clubs/societies for all interests and in halls there will be a great mix of people plus hopefully she will have her own space to withdraw to if she needs it. The first couple of weeks are full on, but after that it should get easier.

University is an introvert's paradise! You get your own space, so people only bother you when you want. You get to spend hours by yourself in the library, reading books. You get to join societies where you meet other people who share your interests without having to spend ages on small talk. If you feel sociable, you just go wherever it is that your friends congregate, and there will be someone to talk to. It's full of scholarly people who understand if you tell them that you don't want to go out because you're busy thinking.

Being an introvert isn't a terrible, crippling personality flaw, but a perfectly normal way of being.

Also, I might be wrong, but I'm getting the impression that you feel that she would be happier/better off with a large and lively group of friends.

If she really is an introvert, this will actually make her stressed and unhappy, and she would probably rather have three good friends, who she might go for quite long periods without actually talking to, and a medium sized group of acquaintances who she meets up with from time to time to go hiking/for trips to the cinema/ to play chess with/ to give feedback on each other's short stories/ to play music with/ to crochet with etc.

whitecloud I'm going to try to be cruel to be kind, uni is about 4 hrs away so we going resist visiting, going to be encouraging her to go and explore the area and neighbouring ones even if it's on her own better than comming home.
Thanks jasper & helpfulhiker sounds like uni wasn't as daunting as I'm seeing it, but in fact a liberating experience. Hope dd finds it that way too. I know what you mean jasper there is a tendency to view introvertsion as something negative and undesirable trait to have and I'm also guilty of it too but more in the sense of the wider world of getting a job and working amongst groups and teams as it's invitable dd will have to do in order to suceed. I'm not wanting to change her but find practical ways for her adapt to these situations rather than avoid them which she has been doing as she could. She has lots a other qualities eg, shes extremely diligent, focused very loyal, trustworthy and has alternative ways of thinking not linear. I've learnt so much from her but feel ultimately when it comes to jobs, employers might not want her as she not as personable, come across as not easy to get on with. Since when applying for graduate jobs they go through team excercise as part of recruitment process. They do at dh place of work maybe not everywhere though

There's some really great posts on here, particularly like whiteclouds. So right in every respect. Really agree with not having her home if it can be helped. I know ones from DDs Uni who went home the first weekend and then it became habit and they never ever settled because they weren't there to hang around in the kitchen scoffing toast or whatever.

Chrissy, your DD sounds amazing I think. To be able to travel independently, walk, bungee jump, hike etc, she sounds like a star! (My DD couldn't even find her way to her friends round the corner, she's better now but I honestly thought she would spend her first week at Uni wandering round lost and sleeping in hedges!)

Build up her confidence, don't show your anxiety, talk to her like you just know she is going to love Uni. I think you will be doing her a disservice if you do otherwise.

roussette I bet your mega proud of your dd. My dd is a child of 2 halves when it comes to have to meeting new people or work in teams she can get herself stressed, gets red heat rash on the neck and verging on panic attack . Whereas shes fine if she can go to places and do things so long as she can stay relatively anomynous, no need to make conversation then its ok, but she plans like crazy as not to get lost as she doesn't like to ask random people for help. I think she has found an alternative way to have fun but Its limiting. If only they sold bottles of confidence.

Yes I was expecting my DD to be as confident as other DCs but now she is older she has an inner confidence that is now unshakeable. She has just found a different way of working things out. I can't quite believe it. The one thing I know is, if she says "Mum, I'm worried about something" I drop everything because it will be a major thing with her as it's rare unlike my other DD who has dramas every day!

Has your DD Chrissy used any sort of relaxation techniques? That could be quite useful.

roussette your in the state with your own dd, that I would love to be in one day. Being able to confront her fears even if it's using a different method to get there would be a great achievement, I think dd is wired differently so will be going abouts her life unconventionally against the norm. It's taken us a long time to accept that there are people out there who relish and are very happy with a solitary existence and it's normal, I've given up encouraging dd to go to the pub as I know in her world that would be a nightmare.

As for relaxation techniques, she tends to do practical things to help divert any tension she has in her mind like jigsaws, scrabble, suduko, baking or watching back if she's majorly stressed then it's watching back episodes of Breaking Bad, Sherlock, Broadchurch.

I ordered the Susan Cain book on Amazon, suprisingly dd has asked if I could also buy the book by Daniel Coleman " Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ" I've not asked or questioned, But am I right in thinking introverts might lack EQ?? could it be dd is on a self help thing to help herself at uni??

DS1 and his friend have found who they are sharing with. It seems they are all second year students. Two girls and a boy. All studying different things, DS said the two girls are friends. The boy is in a band and plays guitar (DS has a guitar and took lessons and music at school) although he hardly plays it now I sometimes here the odd strum coming from upstairs.

Chrissy DS would hate to go to the pub too. On his 18th birthday my parents and other family came over and I said to him Dad will give you some money and you can take him and grandad out for a pint. He was like why do I need to go to the pub? After some cajoling he did go and actually had a "pint" too . A little while back DH and I were out for the evening, the following morning DS said to me x and x called for me last night, my window was open and I could hear them talking coming past the house and thought to myself please don't knock at the door as I knew they would want me to go drinking. He said sure enough they knocked but (luckily for him) it was a week before his 18th and he told them he wasn't old enough , they had both turned 18 in January so we're ok to go out.

Like your DD, DS likes sodoku, watches Sherlock (he will watch stuff over and over again), he also likes the rubicks cube.

We will look back on this next year and wonder why on earth we worried

The relaxation techniques she uses does sound similar to my DD's - my now grown up DD is always on Netflix or baking or reading etc. She was also one for making lists and keeping diaries - when I say diaries they are more like journals, reams of writing about her thoughts and feelings, I think it must be cathartic for her, she writes and writes and writes...

Isn't that good your DD has ordered that book. If she is on a self help thing that is great! I can honestly say I wouldn't know about the lack of EQ and introverts because in a way, I have tried really hard not to look into all this too deeply, and did I ever think my DD was an introvert, probably not. I just realised she went about things in a different way and it just took me a while to get used to her ways which were different to my other DCs. My DD does have a big circle of friends now, they fall into categories - work ones, school ones, Uni ones and they don't overlap! If I were you I would try not to look too deeply into all of this because it doesn't help, my best friend who knows my DD well thinks she is supremely confident and always has been, and it's taken a long while for me to realise that she might be right, it just doesn't manifest itself outwardly.

pugalug it's good to have a sense of humour about or dc and how they view the world certainly helps It's so nice being able to share stories and feelings with mums that understand whats its like having a dc that don't do normal teenage stuff. DD has been trying to card count memorise deck of cards numbers and suit, this has been going on for few weeks now because she says it's makes more sense and a proper challenge to re shuffle after 30mins and start again rather than memorising the same cards indefinitely. Well I can honestly say introverts have that brilliant attitude of, if your going to start something, either do it properly or don't do it at all. If it takes forever they get even more determination to solve the problem. They never do something half done and leave it, like me . Yeah next year we will be thinking was it worth getting the extra grey hairs stressing!
roussette thats such a amazing thing to do that your dd writes about her thoughts and feelings, she must find it theraputic or a ways to release spent energy let things go and start afresh. Is your dd like mine have to have set routine, well planned, they hate it and get annoyed if they have to break it and change because something random came up to disrupt it. They do get over it but it gets them frustrated. She says she loves books with characters that are a protagonists but are a bit messed up basically a anti-hero, she says they are more interesting and realistic. But the book can't be too dark or gruesome. She can't watch explicit horror/scary movies whatsoever.
I hope my dd will make the leaps and bounds your dd has made. It makes me smile to hear how your dd has evolved.

Your DD will evolve, betcha!

My DD is quiet and quite shy but started uni.last year on a creative degree with crits held in front of 40 others and personal presentations and she has done just fine. Almost all.of the students found this a daunting thing to do but selling themselves will be part of their future, so.it's a good skill learned.

If your DD wants to go and loves the course she has applied for - don't worry!

She might like to look in to the university chaplaincy centre, they are usually very welcoming and good for a free coffee

Hi Chrissy
I sent a long message before but somehow it has managed to disappear.
Anyway DD3 was very much like your DD before she started University although she did belong to a Drama group. She is quite and doesn't like crowds also doesn't drink very much. When we took her to university the first weekend she made an effort put out some cake in the kitchen for everyone and introduced herself. All the girls were in the same boat and all went to a student union event that evening and they actually didn't stay out late that night :).
We stayed over night in a nearby hotel as it was a long journey home. We spent sometime in the afternoon with DD3. When we left later that afternoon DD3 was with the other girls in one of their Bedroom.s chatting away to them. I couldn't believe this was the same girl we had taken up there.
She tried nightclubs but didn't like them so eventually would just go out occasionally with her flatmates but would talk to them before they went out for the night. She also joined the climbing club and the Christian Union which helped her to make more friends and she also made friends on her course, She spends a lot of her time working on her own getting her assignments done but has learnt she needs to have some down time as well as just working.
DD3 is now about to go into her 3rd year and has grown up into a mature ( well mostly) young woman.
She has lots of friends in her University town and in fact has stayed up there for the summer.

I'd guess that introverts often have pretty high EQ. They are the ones who are listening and thinking and observing and drawing conclusions when more extraverted people are clamouring to have their say.

It doesn't always work that way, of course. I can think of plenty of socially clueless introverts. And because they don't really want to be popular, they are more likely to make an unpopular choice if they think it is the right thing to do.

And most jobs need introvert skills as well as extraverted ones. Would you like a doctor who listened with focus to what you told them, did lots of research into her specialism in her spare time and understood that your problems were scary and confusing? Would you like an accountant who focussed completely on the work in hand without taking lots of water cooler chat breaks? Would you prefer a builder who chatted and made jokes all day or discussed what you wanted at the start of the job, got on with things quietly and then reported back in one short session at the end of the day/task?

I hate making phone calls, but i am perfectly capable of doing it, just as an extraverted is perfectly capable of going to the library alone to do some research that has to be written up into a report by the end of the day.

Just read that back and it made no sense. Sorry. Am in early stages of migraine.