University. Do things get better?

[hanginginthere1]

Apologies if this topic has been done to death or if this post is in the wrong thread etc. I would just like some advice .
DD started uni[Russell group/Red brick, good reputation] in September. Initially, seemed to settle in well. She was looking forward to beginning the next part of her life. She wasn't and still isn't home sick. she is enjoying her course, and seemed to make friends with the others in her flat in Halls.
About 3 weeks in however, her flat mates began to change. Some of the girls[one or two of whom appear to be incredibly spoilt] became very sullen. They have begun to sulk if they don't get their own way on a night out for example. Last night one of them threw a massive tantrum over a meal. DD feels that she is stuck in the middle constantly trying to cajole, organise etc. She feels that it is all becoming hard work.
A little more worrying is the behaviour of some of the boys in the flat. DD and some of the girls are having to almost constantly deal with sexist remarks. Said in jest and usually to do with cleaning the flat, which they almost always refuse to do. They talk almost constantly about sex, in front of the girls, and seem to have little respect for how this affects others.
They refuse to tone down their language, and have caused offence on more than one occasion. Some of their behaviour is vile.There has been a suggestion made by some of the flat mates that drugs are being used in the flat, although DD hasn't witnessed this. This concerns me greatly.
So all in all, not the best of atmospheres. DD is trying really hard to make friends, but finds it difficult on her course, since there are literally hundreds of them and she rarely sees the same person twice. She is enjoying being part of one of the sports teams however.
I am really beginning to feel that we as parents pay good money for our kids to be at these unis, but that the behaviour of some of the students really does leave a lot to be desired. Is it worth it, when your child rings up and tells you some of the things that are going on.
Any advice, gladly accepted

My DD is experiencing similar behaviour but the balance is a little different in that it is just one of the boys in her flat and he gets on the nerves of all the other flatmates. It was upsetting her, constant comments about the appearance of other girls, constantly making passes at them, mysogyny (and racism) under the guise of banter, because it made her angry and she felt she couldn't respond. I told her that she is perfectly entitled to be pointing out how unacceptable his behaviour towards her is. Thankfully she had a good example when an Austrian girl was visiting and he started goose stepping and called her a Nazi and asked if her name was Fritz, and the girl completely dressed him down (and gave him a History lesson)

I do have friends whose sons we know via DDs' social media behave like this in the context of their uni sports teams etc. yet it would never be acceptable in their homes or the family's social context and they know it. Not sure what you do to combat the way in which these norms have taken hold amongst certain groups of young men

Why didn't she sign up for a single sex flat?
Or has she never encountered a teenage boy before?

itsaknockout if that was directed at me. Of course she has met teenage boys before, she attended a mixed sixth form and has a lot of male friends, she would not want to be in a single sex flat. There are plenty of boys including the other ones that live in her flat who are properly socialised and understand the importance of treating others with respect regardless of race and gender. When there was an example of laddish homophobia within the social media platforms for the sixth forms in their area there was a massive outcry and the boys concerned were basically ostracised.

Do I take it that you actually think misogyny, homophobia and racism such as goose-stepping and calling an Austrian he has never met before a "Nazi" and "Fritz" is standard teenage boy behaviour? I do hope you are not setting the boundaries for one.....

t was upsetting her, constant comments about the appearance of other girls, constantly making passes at them, mysogyny (and racism) under the guise of banter, because it made her angry and she felt she couldn't respond

She can respond. Most student unions are trying to do very good work on challenging the 'lad' culture, and harassment laughed off as 'banter.' It's not: it's sexual harassment, and if he behaved in this way to a work colleague, he'd be facing disciplinary action.

She could just tell him that.

And some women say they don't need feminism ...

itsaknockout DD opted for a mixed flat last year because she thought there'd be a better balance than a group of girls who can be bitchy, form cliques etc. OPs flatmates sound like the ones she ended up although one of the girls was as bad as the lads. The worst lad would frequently go to his room to "relieve" himself and would take great pleasure in telling the other before and after.

DD doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't into casual sex and as the year went by fapperboy, as she called him, got worse and worse telling her she needed a good seeing to. One night presented her with his sex aid and offered, to the amusement of her flatmates, to give her a demonstration. Luckily she's a quick thinker and laughed and told him it was a shame with all the slags like X (one flatmate brought a different man back most nights) the best he could manage was a bit of latex before taking herself to her room.

When this happened she'd made friends with the people she's sharing with this year but I dread to think how she'd have reacted if he'd done it in her first term when she was really struggling without any friends.

hanginginthere if your DD was mine I'd be telling her to work on the friendships with her sporting friends.

Upthe yes she is indeed getting encouragement from this old fashioned feminist and her sister who has finally realised feminism is quite a good idea after all. As with OP the issue is that newly arrived at uni you don't want to appear bad tempered and intolerant, and they need to find their own way to striking the right balance. Their second year mentors have been very good in reinforcing that his behaviour really isn't OK.

Back in the 70s when I was at uni I was about to experience all manner of sexual harassment at work but at uni no male students dared behave this way (and I was a first team player and travelled on the rugby / football coaches post match / bar, all sorts of depravity but not sexist ) Depressing to see it becoming OK in any circles.

but at uni no male students dared behave this way

Yes it's very depressing. And the young women think that to be "equal" they have to put up with such harassment. Or that it's their fault somehow for being "too" soft or sensitive.

It's quite a long time since I was at uni (1995-98), but I was in halls for the first two weeks I was there, and absolutely hated. I've always been fairly quite and shy (and was even more so then, and was incredibly naïve about drugs, etc.), and I really just couldn't stand the noise, the mess and the constant partying. I was really unhappy, but luckily managed to get out and move in with a landlady. In retrospect, had I been a little older and found my social circle sooner, I probably could have toughed it out, but moving out was undoubtedly the right thing to at the time. Could this be an option for your daughter, OP?

The laddish stuff just depresses and baffles me. There was always a minority who did this stuff - mostly sports team - but they were just a handful of the whole student population, and mostly people treated them with contempt (although it never seemed to stop then getting girlfriends...). Nowadays, such behaviour is far more widespread, it seems. Something's changed, and it's gone mainstream. It's horrible.

First years, especially first year boys, are generally quite immature. I was in an all-girl flat with an all-boy flat next door at a prestigious uni. Some of my flatmates were immature/spoilt/nutters, and the neighbouring boys were pretty foul. I struggled with sleeping and eating in such a noisy messy flat. I never even saw those people again after 1st year and then lived with really nice people I'd met in sport and music clubs, for the next few years.

It's tough but it's just one year and she should aim to socialise with her sports club, and maybe join another club, and find friends there. There will be other first years looking around for people to live with next year.