Cant stop crying over going to uni

[tess1pink]

Advise needed. My daughter has place to go uni (3hours away). Really wants to go but is extremely scared so much that she breaks down every time she thinks of being away from home. She says she know she should go and wants to. I have suggested deferring but she doesn't want to waste her time and she says she wondered if she did that whether she would go next year. Suggested going and trying it and if she cant get over the homesickness then come home, at least she would then know for sure if uni was for her. She wants to get a degree and a career and knows if she doesn't go now she will regret her decision when she is older but her continual crying is heart breaking. I feel like telling her not to go and to stay at home but I know it would be best for her to go and I am sure she will have a wonderful time. She has already made friends with her new flat mates and students on her course. Just a very bad case of homesickness. Any advice?

That was me 15+ years ago. I went and will admit there were list of tears for the first term. I stuck it out knowing it was the right thing fir my future. Things hit better and better and in the end loved it. There were rocky days but I never regret it but at the tine it was hard and also for my mum with tears.

My job now is something I couldn't have done without my degree so it worked out in the end.

In my experience, these few weeks in the run up to going are almost the hardest. Once she's actually there it'll be a case of getting on with things, and she'll be so busy that there won't be time to think. But now it's just miserable. It's easy to say, but I'd tell her to try not to look too far ahead or anticipate too much how she might feel, and just take one day at a time, keeping busy and not dwelling on uncertainties or what might happen. I feel for you both - it's horrible for you too.

Update with less than 3 hours to go before I have to cancel her accommodation she still does not know what to do she has just called me in tears. Last night she had made a decision to go but upon waking she was once more a crumbling wreck. She the called a local college to enquire about taking a 2 year foundation course in drama after which she can take a top up to get a BA honours degree at a university. Is there anything wrong in taking this route? She just doesn't seem to want to leave home! Others have said this course would be too easy for her/beneath what she is capable of. It seems to be putting off the inevitable.

Eek, that is very last minute. How about calling the Uni about the accomodation and asking if you can have a few more days to decide.

Thank you NoWayYesWay. I spoke to the accommodation people yesterday and was told today is the deadline but I have just spoken to them today and I can let them know on Monday.

Phew. That's a relief. I feel so sorry for your DD. I hope you can come up with a plan over the weekend. She really mustn't worry about wasting a year. It's completely normal to take a gap year.

Good luck

Ah, I feel for her! I was at uni a long time ago and I was so homesick until pretty much the third year and even then the longest I went without going home was three weeks!

I had counselling while there, I was just so miserable the whole time. Why I didn't throw in the towel and go home, I'll never know. I just thought there was no other option. Of course there was. And now I can't do another degree because I'm not eligible for the funding.

I wish someone had made me see it would be ok to say no more. If she's a homebody, she may not change. On the other hand, I wasn't outgoing and sociable so there's that in her favour. I didn't meet very nice people, maybe I would have settled if I'd had more friends.

Maybe she could do uni later in life. Are there any apprenticeships she could do and stay at home? Some people just need their families nearby for longer. My mum and dad visited me at uni rather than me come home for the first time, as my mum knew I wouldn't go back and I walked round a market holding onto my mum's arm shaking. It was horrendous. I wish I hadn't put myself through it now.

Of course, she may adore and love it but the fact she's crying before she even gets there doesn't bode awfully well. I hope it works out whatever you both decide to do. for you both xx

Glad there's a bit of a delay. My son's deposit had to be in in July and he's not going for another fortnight.
I don't know much about the drama world so have no idea how important particular courses are. My stepdaughter is at a music conservatoire though and a little local course definitely wouldn't have been as good for her as a proper conservatoire.
I was ready to leave home when I went and my son is excited rather than anxious about going.
The continuous crying does sound like extreme anxiety though, especially as she hasn't gone yet and has nothing to really cry about at the moment.
A year to decide home is limiting and the world is an exciting not stressful place may be a good thing in her case.
If she's doing drama a more mature, confident persona will also help. She can maybe get involved in local amdram societies as well.

Your poor dd getting in to such a state.

There is no shame in changing her mind.

Being a "homebody" doesn't mean uni has to be stressful. You just have to develop a more flexible view of where "home" is. I like to have my stuff around me but from going away at 18 viewed "home" as where my stuff was. It wasn't where my parents were, that was their home, not mine.
I've had to move quite a bit with my job and being able to create a "home" wherever I am is quite important. My parents moved a bit when I was younger so maybe that helped me develop a less geographical view of "home" than people where their extended family live within a 1 mile radius.

tess1pink. I really sympathise. Only you and she can know if she is really mature enough to cope. If she isn't, an extra year doing amdram and college might be the answer. Does she suffer from anxiety, generally, or is this a first? As others have said, extreme anxiety before she has even gone away could be a cause for concern.

My dd went last year and found the first few weeks tough. I texted every day and talked to her on the phone and Skype when she was homesick and miserable. It can take a while. There is this myth that everyone loves it immediately. Not necessarily true. If you are lucky with your flatmates and the people you meet at Freshers, fine. Otherwise you have to persist. I would advise joining societies and trying to meet a mix of people, especially if you are on a course with few lectures. And always remember that people find it hard to admit they are struggling. Some people drink a lot and seem to be having a marvellous time, when they are really feeling homesick and a bit overwhelmed inside.

We went to see our dd halfway through the first term and we fixed it all up before she went so that she would have something to look forward to. I think coming home too early can be a mistake, because it is so much harder to go back and settle down. My dd really started to enjoy it during the second term.

But I also agree with Emily - if you really hate it long term there are other options, like transferring nearer home or doing something else. Higher education isn't right for everyone. You have to give it a good try, though. And as someone else said, being at home might not be a picnic if all your friends have gone to uni. It won't be the same anyway.

There are a lot of sides to all this and everyone is different. What is right for one person might not be for another. The best of luck to you both.

If she wants to come home on the weekends for the first month then that's ok too

I'd say for as long as she needs. DD started last year and even though she's travelled around Europe and Asia by herself she's got quirky interests and was worried about fitting in with her flatmates. I don't know if it was her mindset or they were a bunch of dicks her description but she really struggled and not enjoying her course didn't help. It was hard when she phoned in tears but we went week by week and if it got too much she came home for a couple of days, luckily we're only an hour away and she's small enough to get away with a kid's fare.

At Christmas we talked about her packing it all in but she was adamant she'd carry on as she needs the degree to do what she wants. I told her if that was the case then she couldn't keep phoning me in tears as I couldn't solve her problems and she was making me ill. Thankfully for both of us by the end of January everything fell into place, she made some nice friends and started to enjoy her course, the phonecalls dropped off and so did the trips home.

Just let her know you're only a phone call away and tell her there will be others feeling exactly the same.

I feel a bit miffed now that my children didn't shed a tear!

Personally I would go to visit her, taking the dog, every Saturday lunchtime for a few weeks, until she's settled. Could you do that?

Update - Saturday still no decision....when I suggest not to go if she is feeling that petrified she says 'but I want to go' so I reply go then and be brave she replies she can't go. The 3 hours distance is really getting to her but for me it's so frustrating. She talking over the same issues again and again the she called her granddad this morning to say if he would mind if she didn't go! I am not putting any pressure on her I have told her it is her decision but I have advised her to give it a go at least there will not 'if onlys' in her future. I am now finding myself feeling very angry with her, I wouldn't ever show or tell her how I feel, all the train journeys all around the country visiting university after university all for nothing. I feel like distancing myself from her, even asking her to move out if she doesn't go!! I love her so much and have never felt like this about her and feel bad as a mother for the thoughts but her anxiety, tears and fears are really affecting me.

She's starting to sound as though she's enjoying all the drama, dragging her grandfather into things is very selfish.
Maybe encourage her not to go as she obviously finds it too upsetting and maybe isn't mature enough for university yet and see if that jerks her into an oppositional "I am mature enough, of course I'm going" response.
Tell her you're not paying the deposit on Monday unless she decides she definitely is going and develops a more positive and less hysterical attitude to it all.
Sounds harsh but her behaviour today just sounds immature and attention seeking. She isn't going to cope at uni unless she takes more responsibility for her actions and calms down.

I think perhaps it's time to make a decision just to put an end to the uncertainty, which is agonising for you both. Because she's not sure, maybe take the default position that she's going to go, since she might regret it if she doesn't. Spend the next few weeks getting ready and doing nice things together, and lay down the rule that there will be no more prevarication - she IS going. BUT - if she doesn't like it when she gets there it's not compulsory to stay, and she'll know she tried it and it wasn't for her.

I really feel for you. I know how draining and frustrating and horrible it is when you're inextricably involved but completely powerless.

When I went, I cried myself to sleep every night for the first fortnight and then suddenly everything was okay. I didn't know anyone at all when I got there because of course in ancient times there was no FB or anything like that to connect before you got there. I also made the decision not to come home for a weekend for 6 weeks and that was a wise choice. Maybe she's crying a lot because she's stressed, I do that (and I'm in my 50s!)

Tell her to go and give it a term. I'll be very surprised if she doesn't love it by Christmas and moan about having to come back for the holidays!

Sorry, I'm going to be tough here, but I don't think she's ready or mature enough to go. First year of university is tough: intellectually, and emotionally. Few students find it completely plain sailing. But she doesn't sound as though she has the resilience of emotional self-knowledge or maturity to learn how to cope with stress or change.

University's too much like hard work to go if you're not sure. A year away from being pushed in terms of other people's expectations, and working with and for people who aren't emotionally invested in her (as family and school may be) will make her have to sort out what she really wants to do.

She's starting to sound as though she's enjoying all the drama

Sadly, this is what it reads like.

You know that game you can play with yourself if you don't know whether you want to u a new dress or whatever? (my DH used to play it with me). Take it away from her. If I'm havering over something, I tell myself to walk away. If that feels fine, then yes, I don't buy the dress. If I instinctively go "Oh no" then I buy the dress.

So tell her you've decided she's NOT going. Do it sharp and short. Jolt her into discovering her gut instinct.

Tell her you'll be cancelling the accommodation, and she needs to go to the Job Centre or CAB to find out about volunteering or getting a job. Then see how she responds.

But speaking as someone who teaches first years, she's not ready, and I'd rather not be teaching undergrads who are half-hearted about being at university. I want them to really want to be there above any other things they could be doing with their lives at that time.

Dd1 is a home body and doing her degree via the OU while working in a local coffee shop so actually getting a degree and saving money! Dd2 is a full on extrovert just going into uni year 2 and loving it. Rarely see her for months on end. If its not for your dd then there are other options

Oh you poor love, I really feel for you.
I still suffer when my two have troubles and they are in their 30s!
I also get exasperated, so much easier when they are toddlers! But I always respect their choices, their lives to live and I an cry proud of them.

BUT I was your daughter and I can still feel the terror of leaving home to go to uni. I didn't want to leave my mum alone with my dad, I still feel guilty now!
Does your daughter now that you will be ok? Can you talk her through some plans you have to keep busy?

DP, who is a very experiencesd youth worker, (species under threat of extinction) says she would contact the Student Union and explain. They will have systems in place as this won't be an uncommon problem.
Maybe through them she could meet a real person in real life rather than on-line and this might help.
Another idea; are there still any youth services in your area? They might have drop in sessions which would give DD a chance to talk to someone who isn't emotionally involved.
Sending a big hug to you both.

Final update - thank you for all your advices all taken on board. Move in day tomorrow and at 4.30pm today she still had not decided. Three times she told me she had decided to go so two nights ago we went uni shopping. Bought everything for the flat. She was finally excited. Next morning she woke up feeling ill, constantly crying. She has lost so much weight now a size 4. So final day to pay accommodation today I left work early and we went for a 2 hour walk. We had a good calm talk. She said it wasn't the homesickness or being at uni as she knows with time that would go. She wants to enjoy the run up to uni, the excitement of getting ready etc and felt she just wasn't ready. So she has deferred for a year. She is adamant that she wants a degree and definitely wants to go to the uni. After making her decision (finally) she is now happy again and eating and laughing and tells me she has made the right decision. I am relieved to see her nearly back to her old self (she has been really stressed since the beginning of the year with A levels). . Ideally I would have liked her to have gone this year as there is always a chance that she could decide not to go. She has lots of plans to keep her busy plus working so I hope she will not regret her decision. Another year and I guess she will be more mature, she has only just turned 18.

Well at least the decision is made. You are right. She is only young and this year could see many changes.

Good luck.

Really pleased to read this. Such indecision is really a sign of not wanting to go, in my view (and experience!)

The thing to do now is to be very careful not to put pressure overt or implied on her to go to university at all. There is so much pressure on teenagers today from parents worried that their children will not be "successful."

I'm passionate about education & learning, but I don't think that university is the only way to get there. And as a university teacher, I really don't want students there because they feel their parents expect it. They need to want to be there above anything else in their lives at that time.

There are many alternatives to university at 18.

I am relieved for your daughter. I think it sounds like the right thing to do. A levels can be extremely stressful and it's not unusual to feel so wobbly at this age. I hope your DD has a great year.

Good luck.