Cant stop crying over going to uni

[tess1pink]

Advise needed. My daughter has place to go uni (3hours away). Really wants to go but is extremely scared so much that she breaks down every time she thinks of being away from home. She says she know she should go and wants to. I have suggested deferring but she doesn't want to waste her time and she says she wondered if she did that whether she would go next year. Suggested going and trying it and if she cant get over the homesickness then come home, at least she would then know for sure if uni was for her. She wants to get a degree and a career and knows if she doesn't go now she will regret her decision when she is older but her continual crying is heart breaking. I feel like telling her not to go and to stay at home but I know it would be best for her to go and I am sure she will have a wonderful time. She has already made friends with her new flat mates and students on her course. Just a very bad case of homesickness. Any advice?

Please get her to look at www.the site.org where she will find loads of info and support for teenagers at all stages including uni. Also she can email her tutors to talk about any concerns she has.

That must be so difficult for her, and you. It's hard to know what to suggest. If her homesickness would be really crippling for her, could she change to a uni she could commute from home to? Although I appreciate that would probably mean she would then have to delay for a year. Or do universities take last minute applicants?

Other than that you, all you do is reassure her she can pull out if she really can't cope won't it, and that there are always other options in life.

I would really urge her to go this year and try it. The danger if deferring is that if she may have the same problem next year too. There is honestly lots of support available and she won't be the only one feeling like that by a long stretch. You may need to provide additional support initially if you can by perhaps visiting at weekends or facilitating transport for her to come home the odd weekend but do encourage her to stay for weekends and socialise and make new friends. Is she going into halls of residence? These are usually quite busy so she should make friends even if she doesn't mix particularly easily.

On a separate note I would reassure her that if she really really hates it and has given it her best shot she could look at transferring to an uni closer to home ( even within commenting distance if necessary) or starting again next year.

Good luck!

This was a topic on theSite tonight, a live chat which ended at 8 pm unfortunately. However dd tells me there will be a transcript of it on the website in about a week's time. Dd helps theSite admin people and volunteers for them so is clued up on it.
"We're pleased to announce that on Tuesday 2nd September from 6.45-8pm we have the wonderful David Quinn dropping in to chat to answer your questions and chat about moving out for the first time. Maybe you're preparing to go off to Uni soon or thinking about moving out of your parents place - whatever your situation you're bound to have lots of questions..

Do I need a tv license?
What if I get homesick?
Can I afford it?
What if I don't get along with my housemates?
How do I find a place to rent?"

Thank you for all your replies and advice. I will show her the site mentioned. I have to pay the first instalment of her accommodation on Friday so a decision needs to be made before I do this. It's a shame I missed the live chat. She has made friends in her flat already via facebook and there is another student going from her school who she knows. She has also received no end of invitations out already. She is a very outgoing and sociable person but has always loved 'just being at home' but she knows to pursue the career she wants she has to leave this town

This is what my daughter posted on another site. This is it in her own words:

I should be leaving for university in 10 days times, my deposit on a flat is due at the end of this week but I am so unsure about whether or not to go to uni. I have chosen one that is 3 hours away, and I could have picked one that is closer to home, but the course at the one that I chose was so much better, so I went with the course. However, I am having serious doubts. I don't know if uni is for me, I have never been 100% sure, I just applied through ucas in year 13 and went from there. I didn't know whether deferring was an option, but I know there is a strong chance that If I don't go now I never will. I know what uni is what I want to do but I can't imagine being up there without my mum or dog. Im scared, and I keep crying about it. I question whether the fact that I am crying is because I don't want to go, but I don't want the fear of being homesick to stop me because then I will get no where in life. I've already met my flat mates and some people on my course via facebook, but I'm still so unsure. Are these just doubts and fears that most students have when they are moving away from home? I'm just so scared of being away from home. HELP!

I do think these thoughts are normal to a large extent. It is natural to be nervous about moving away and homesick, and I think lots and lots of students will be in the same boat. Universities are also very used to students feeling like this and so there is usually quite a lot of support available. I'm a mature student (28) and I'm about to start at university over 3 hours away from home and am also feeling nervous and worried about missing my family and pets if that is any consolation, but I am excited as well. Does she have that excitement; about her course, meeting new people, societies etc, or are the nerves too all consuming? I don't think anyone can advise her on whether or not to go - all you can do is remind her that if she does go then you can talk on the phone and Skype, and that sometimes she can come home, and sometimes you could go and visit her etc. You're only actually at university for about 30 weeks a year, but I know it is a big step, and scary. Good luck to her with whatever she decides.

I think it is the fear of the unknown. Tell her you are just at the end of the phone and to call anytime. If she wants to come home on the weekends for the first month then that's okay too. Once she is there and knows what she's doing, where she is living etc, I'm sure she will be fine

If she wants to come home on the weekends for the first month then that's okay too.

I would disagree with that. Stick it out for six weeks before you go home, otherwise you will find that others have formed friendship groups in your absence and you never quite get into the swing of things.

I didn't want to go. I cried. My mum was a mess. My dad pulled over on the way home to cry after dropping me off.

I had a boyfriend who was going to a uni miles away. I was shy.

My new flatmates, didn't get me at all. I felt nervous all the time and lonely.

Fast forward a month. Fucking loved it!

Best time of my life. Really brought me out of my shell. Came back most weekends at first (2 1/2 hrs away) and then less frequently as i started to want to stay.

Met my my best friend who is still it now 15 years later. Dumped my less than great boyfriend.

I would encourage her to go. Sometimes we need to push ourselves.

I went through a tough time when I went to uni, felt like a square peg in a round hole.

I actually drove home 100 miles in the wee hours the first night and told my mum I wasn't going back. My mum sent me on my way with a flea in my ear Harsh, but the best thing she could have done.

I didn't complete the course but I stayed in my uni town and made my life there. I am so pleased my mum sent me back even if she did do it in a characteristically unsupportive and unemotional way.

Your dd needs to try it, it may not be for her but she will have to live with not trying forever and she will wonder, what if.......

Ah, bless her. It's not for everyone but you can't know until you try. I think under the circus I would encourage her to defer for a year. If she ends up never going it will be because it was the right thing for her not to go, surely? If she still feels a need to go after a year then it will be because she has really though long and hard about it and is very motivated.

Lots of kids just go through the motions of going to uni straight from 6th form just because it is what everyone else does/what their parents and their school expects. And some of them don't really gain much by it, with hindsight, and would have been better off doing something else. Other people just need a year to take a breather, mature a bit, and think about what it is they really want to study before they go.

For those who go straight away, it can often take the whole of the first term for them to settle and to find their stride. No-one can give her a crystal ball - she just has to go with her gut.

Oh to be young and have such wonderful problems full of choices and opportunity!

circus?

I hated the uni I went to, cried for a week after going back after Christmas. In the end I arranged to complete my first year there but then transfer to another uni for the second and third year. I still didn't like the uni I was at but I knew I could move and not disrupt my course.

On the day of leaving for uni, I threatened to handcuff myself to the bed because I was too scared to go! It didn't last long though, once I was there and having fun at freshers week I soon got over it. Universities anticipate how hard young students will take it, that's why they are kept so busy with fun activities that help them bond with others in the first few weeks.

Obviously telling her that now won't help, she won't believe it as I wouldn't have believed all will be fine back when I was terrified.

Does the uni have any ways for her to start talking to other new students - via a freshers Facebook group, Twitter etc? My uni had a message board and I managed to arrange a meetup with a couple of students on my first day there to stop me sitting in my student room moping.

Is there any way you could make an advance trip to get to know the town a bit better and see where she will be living? It will no doubt have been a while since open day visits so it might help to visualise the town. Otherwise, a virtual wander around on Google street maps might make the place seem more real.

Aww, big hug for your DD

I don't think your DD is at all unusual. It's a big deal going to Uni. Is it just you, her and the dog at home? If it is, is it possible she feels guilty leaving you?

How about booking a weekend home for her in about 6 weeks. (You could take advantage of the cheap advance train tickets while you are at it). That way she will have something scheduled in.

I would encourage her to go. There is always a little element of luck involved but chances are she will meet people she gets on with.

Ps I think your DD would get much better advice on mumsnet than on the Studentroom.

I didn't go as I was scared, and I do and don't regret it. It wasn't something I felt I could do but now I wish someone had tried to help me more. Saying that, I am doing an OU degree now and loving being able to be at home with dd.

Just try and make sure you talk everything through, get to the root if the issue.

If she is so anxious that she is crying all the time, she might not last if she gets there at all. It's normal to feel a bit nervous but that sounds extreme.

The answer would be to apply to a university where she can commute from home. Lots more students do that now than did in my day. Hopefully she will make friends during the first year then have the opportunity to move into a shared house with them in time to help her gain some independence.

I think the vital thing is to not give up on a university degree completely, just adapt what she does to something she can emotionally cope with.

I think she should at least try. If she fails to even turn up, that is a big hurdle to get over in the future because she will know she has failed. Everyone else will be going and everyone else will tell her how great it is. She could feel even worse! Try and get her to go because everyone has fears. They are just not so emotional. Homesickness is normal. Even my DD was homesick and she had been to boarding school! However if it is a total disaster then try and get a place commutable for next year but I would definitely give this year every effort because no-one gets what they want without some effort and angst! I do think catered halls can be better for people who are homesick because it is easier to meet people, if your flat mates are not your cup of tea, and there is far less to worry about, eg shopping, cooking, untidy people, annoying habits in the shared areas are all less in evidence. If she does not like the flatmates, there are always opportunities to change but obviously you cannot go through life thinking you can change things all the time. I do wish her well and stay positive. Also, don't let her think she can come home all the time because life will go on without her and she will end up excluded. A bit of tough love will be needed!

If she wants to come home on the weekends for the first month then that's ok too

I really DO agree with this. It worked for me. I came home a lot in the first term until Christmas. It was what got me through the weeks. After about Christmas my family hardly ever saw me I was then having such a brilliant time with all my friends at uni, but I needed to know I was going home.

Everyone always, always advises not to go home at first you'll miss out on meeting friends, make you more homesick etc, but it was the tentative start I had to have. I never moved home again, so it wasn't to my detriment at all.

some universities have cats, there's at least one dog around at Cambridge (although officially it's a large cat :) ). Would she consider being a volunteer for the Cinnamon Trust www.cinnamon.org.uk/ or helping at an RSPB centre if there is one neraby? It wouldn't be the same as having her dog but might be some help.

I'd encourage her to go. She's met her flatmates on Facebook and there's likely to be so much going on at first that she won't have much time to think. Make it clear you'll keep her room the same as it is now (they need that security), get some photos ready for her to take and do book a visit for you in a few weeks. Don't encourage her to come home too soon, friendships are cemented at weekends. Don't hang around when you drop her off but text her often.

What would she do if she doesn't go? Staying with her parents forever isn't an option. I think not going because you have changed your mind about the course or what you want to do with your life is fine, not going because you want to keep pretending to be a child in the family home isn't.
I'd be encouraging her to go and give it at least a term. Change is always scary. You could maybe pop up and visit her every other weekend initially a couple of times. I agree her keeping on coming home won't help her settle in.

Freshers is great for settling in and meeting new people, if she feels able to give it a few weeks she might well decide to stay. I loved freshers but sadly never quite settled due to spending every weekend back home visiting my boyfriend. I did make some very good friends in the year I was at my first uni, one I lost touch with when I moved unis, one I kept in touch with till earlier this year (5 years since I last saw him) but we've fallen out of touch, and the other I rarely see because she lives 10 hours away now but I'm still in touch with.