EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD - PART 3

[mrsrhodgilbert]

The comment about where they now live and consider to be home is interesting. If dd doesn't go back to until the end of January she will only have just over two months until the Easter holidays. She will actually come home on my 50th birthday and we are all going away for a few days. After Easter she then has about another 4 or 5 weeks left, possibly with a few exams after that.

That sounds like no time at all and then she will be back for the summer, hopefully with a job again. If some dc consider they have left home, do they not come back for the holidays?

I'm hearing from her much less and she seems quite busy with work. I'm not sure she feels she has many friends yet and it seems quite fluid still, but she is definitely calmer. She has a few pre Christmas things lined up, ice skating, panto, club parties, lunch out etc so I hope some friendships will be cemented. Still no plans for a house for year two but ive tried to tell her not to panic about that. Some people who were sorted a few weeks ago might not be any more.

Hello Sayer and debjud. My only dd went to uni last Sept. What you are feeling is quite normal. Agree with goinggetstough - try to find some new interests, even before Sept if you can. IME it is very normal for you to really miss them and them to really miss you, especially if you are very close.

What worked for us. I text my dd every morning - she still wants me to do it. However busy she is, she texts every day, even if it is only a short phrase, mostly so that I know she is OK. At first she was a bit homesick and we skyped quite a lot until she had found her feet. Since then I have tried to stand back and let her get on with it, while letting her know that I am here for her if she needs me. She usually initiates a text conversation. If you have been close, you can carry on being as close as you want to. They really need to know that home is there and like to hear about what you are doing. Some aren't homesick but quite a few are. I tried to reassure her that there was no shame in it and that it sometimes takes time to settle down, depending on who you meet at first and whether they become friends. Some of them love it from the start, but as you can tell from this thread, not everyone is so fortunate. My dd seemed to really settle down and make good friends after Christmas.

If they are feeling a bit low, you have to encourage them to hang in there and keep at it - the work, the friend-making, the getting used to everything. At times you will really miss them and feel low yourself, but your best reward is when they settle down and start to enjoy themselves. And make the most of the holidays because they go by so quickly!!

I think you have to do what is right for your dc and yourself. Sayer - she might not come back much, but she might miss home more than she thinks. You just never know until you get there. Debjud - it's normal to get panicky, empty feelings because your life does change and suddenly you have more time. But that can be quite nice too! Hope these thoughts have helped.

whitecloud thank you for that, I feel sick if I think about it too hard, it's just when they have been everything your life revolves around it's hard to move from that (and I don't want to, I don't want my life to change this way) I am just so afraid she will move away for good and I'll hardly have her in my life.
At the moment she is the only thing that's good in my life, keeping me going, if it wasn't for her life would be empty. I have tried to have a new hobby, which i have but it's still going to be hard, the quiet empty house, how I wished I had had loads of kids!
debjud keep in touch on here at least we are in the same situation, liked the chinese saying!
Daft cos I'm sat here blubbing, I can't tell anyone why I'm upset least not her so I make up other things, so no one knows how I really feel.

Sayerville and debjud there is no doubt you will miss your dc but it does get better honestly. DD is my only and I was really dreading her going, though tried very hard no to let her see that. I cried buckets when she went, but one year on I am fine. Don't necessarily expect a text every day, my DD can be very uncommunicative at times though we do message on Facebook quite often.

Jelliclecat Thanks, she's kind distancing herself now, going off to the local uni library for hours until late, that's good. Think I must be depressed as I just can't stop crying every time I think about it. It's not that I didn't know it was coming I just think it's not so much the uni thing just the fact that once she's gone I doubt she'll come back so as I see it it the end of my role as a Mum and I have without that I feel empty. I need to 'work' on my marriage and this is a painful thing for me to address

Sayer, that does sound very sad, and if your life has revolved around your dd until now it is really important that you do either get your marriage back on track, if you've both been neglecting it, or alternatively if it's dead, you wouldn't be the first couple to split up once the nest is empty

My ds is an only too, and we have always been very close, and is a good 200 miles away so I've only seen him about 4 or 5 times since September. We do keep in touch by text and have a proper catch-up call most Sunday nights - I make a list over the course of the week now so I can remember what I need to tell/ask him about.

I'm not expecting to see much of him now that he's gone to Uni; maybe a week or so in the summer holidays and one at Xmas and Easter. This is because he is totally in his element in his new town, and particularly is in a very happy relationship with a girl who lives there. .

The thing is that he knows I'm always here for him and does call me for a moan or advice if things aren't going well, and I'm sure your dd will do that too as you sound very close.

I very much doubt that ds will ever live in this area again, much less in our home again, and that is as it should be. Our children are adults now and we need to support and encourage them to be independent and make their own way in the world, always knowing that we are there for them if they have a wobble.

I hope you feel a bit more positive when the reality happens, and echo what others have said about making your own life more fulfilling, whether that's voluntary work, a change of career, hobbies or just reconnecting with your husband; think of it as a second honeymoon!

I know I started to feel depressed straight after the xmas before my son left, I hated that last year of his schooling, always thinking 'this is the last ***'. I didn't see anyone, I took St.John's Wort and it was brilliant. I still wept buckets and there were days when I took an extra pill, but I got through it without him ever feeling that I had crowded him.

I am friends with him on facebook, I gradually stopped messaging him every day, got it down to once a week, with one or two phone calls a week, which has become one. I do look to see when he was last on though - I like to know that he's still alive.

He could have come back two weeks ago - but he doesn't want to. He loves stepping out of his halls and having instant city life around him. We used to see him about once a month, but I think maybe it will be about 3 months this time.

Someone else said, They are the arrow, you are the bow. Be there to pick them up if they miss the mark. I practically have to sit on my hands to stop myself calling him and begging him to come back just for a week - but I won't do it.

Anyway, I stopped needing the pills a couple of months ago, I am fine. I didn't see him on Mother's Day so had a little weep, but got over it. My OH has been very good, once I explained how I felt. He misses him too, but is more detached about it. So, as all the lovely mothers on here informed me a year ago - you will get over it and get through it, it's tough at times, but don't, please, show them how much it upsets you because it drives them away. You can't make them feel guilty for doing what you have trained them to do - be an independent adult.

hi sayerville. Last year I was feeling rather down about my "baby" leaving home and trying hard not to show it to them, this year I am looking forward to them coming home for part of the holidays but it will also be good when they go back again. Relationships change - they need to be able to stretch their wings and you can rediscover the things you enjoyed before children took over your life.

Do start developing new interests or reviving old ones now. We planned a holiday for shortly after ours left to mark our freedom to travel outside school holidays. Sign up to study something new yourself, join something like a tai chi class, volunteer for something, perhaps with children www.do-it.org.uk/. If you have a home start near you would that appeal? www.home-start.org.uk/

In 5-10 years times there may be grandchildren, although as mine is training to be a doctor that's something I may miss out on.

If they will let you be a Facebook friend you'll know they are still alive when they are having a great time and forget to communicate.

Hello again, just wanted to give the class of 2013/14 an update on my breast cancer diagnosis last month. I had surgery to remove the offending lump and three lymph nodes in my armpit two weeks ago. It's been a bit sore since but I'm getting better each day, still not driving or lifting.

I had the results last Friday and it has been successfully removed and thankfully hadn't spread to my lymph nodes. That was the best possible news, it was also smaller than expected. I have to have three weeks of radiotherapy shortly and tamoxifen for a number of years. Looks like I'll be around for a while longer, I can't tell you the relief.

Dd1 is very happy in her holiday job and has enjoyed having my car to herself. Dd2 is supposed to be doing university research for 2015 entry but isn't making much of an effort. She wants to do English and I've just been reading on another thread how difficult that s to get into, I had no idea. At least it will give me something different to worry about!

mrsrhod saw you'd posted so had to come on - have thought of you often. Brilliant news. Enjoy your summer with your girls. Take care.

Great news MrsRhod. I hope your recovery continues well.

Great news mrsrhod make sure you relax and take care of yourself. Glad to se your DD1 is happy in her summer job.
I've just spoken to DD3 ,she has passed her first year just got the results for her last module which was 52% overall. She passed the exam she was worrying about with 45%. She is still in Bolton but we are collecting her and her stuff at the weekend.

good news, mrsrhod, we'lls ee you on the proud graduation thread :). I wonder if your child puts petrol in the car, mine doesn't!

Ours is still in the middle of exams and doesn't seem too unhappy about it but is looking forward to the celebrations afterwards and a busy vacation.

Great news MrsRhod - I was thinking about you today so was really pleased to see your post.

Can't believe the first year is over - it has gone sooooo quickly! Ds is loving university life. He finished exams a week ago but isn't coming home yet - too much fun to be had for the moment.

Ds and I have always been close and I was worried that our relationship would change when he went away. Well, it HAS changed but not in a bad way - it is less parent-child and more adult-adult.

Thank you all. Alreadytaken, I haven't even checked to see if the car needs fuel for about three weeks, better have a look later, she will be oblivious!

I'm looking forward to the summer, if we get one. It looks like we will be able to go on holiday but I have to slather myself in factor 50. We've been having a new kitchen fitted for the last two weeks. We didn't want to postpone it because its taken months of planning but I will be glad to get workmen out of the house and back to normal tomorrow. I don't know how DH and the girls have coped with a microwave and me out of action. It's looking great though and has been a good distraction.

Dd hasn't got her end of year results yet. I hope everyone does well and gets through to year two. Unfortunately it's looking like a friend of dd may have failed the year, going on marks so far, which will be a blow. I'm still slightly wondering if she might be better just working.

That's wonderful news. mrsrhod! Literally a weight off your chest.

My DS doesn't seem to have any results yet, he finished 3 weeks ago. He haso stay now until OTC has finished in a month's time, but I have blackmailed him into catching the National Express coach back for Father's Day next weekend. At least he is keeping up with his paperwork - I have just received an email from the student loans lot with yet another set of interminable forms to fill in online.

That's great news mrsrhod you and your family must be so relieved.

DD passed her first year with a first so she's over the moon as her grade determines where she goes for her year abroad. She's got a summer job and they've got branches in Japan and will arrange a transfer if there's one in the city where she'll be studying as well as transferring her to her uni city in September.

I had to laugh at a tweet she posted earlier in the week saying its boring here and she wishes she was back at uni - what a difference a few months makes its good to see her so happy but I've got more grey hairs and wrinkles than I'd like thanks to her woes earlier in the year.

ISing DD's grown up in the last few months as well and I love the new slightly tidier and improved version

Wishing everyone a lovely summer.

So, how are the exam results? Anyone else's DCs done too much partying and not enough studying facing resits? Please tell me happy stories of getting through resits.

DD3 is now home until September. She is looking for a. summer job has been for sometime but no joy. She is however going back to do voluntary work at the charity shop she did this ar before she went to uni.
She has passed her first year so no resist. However my SIL did have to resit some of his first year exams but he got a 2:1 degree and is now an accountant.

The first results have started trickling in, all very good so far although he says he has missed out on handing things in that he didn't know he had to hand in! He says that he isn't the only one, it wasn't clear either online or from the tutor, but he is pleased so far even without the marks he would have had. Currently averaging 80%. He has the work but it's too late to assess it. I told him he will have to check and double-check next time. He still has one big piece to finish but has until the 27th July before it needs to be in. I'm surprised by how many are still in college working away, I thought they all would have cleared off home by now.

Oh dear, second subjects exam results in and also failed. Not much hope for the third subject as that was the one she thought she had done worst in. So looks like total first year fail and 5 exams to resit. Not good. I phoned DD tonight and not surprisingly she is quite down.

I told her it's not the end of the world, but not quite sure where we go from here as she said she done enough work. Clearly either not enough or not the right sort of work though. Not sure how to help her.

Give her time to think about it. She will know. Either she really did do as much work as she could, or it will be a wake-up call to pull her socks up. Poor girl.

I spend so much time worrying about my DS that I forget my DD, I am so used to her doing well and working hard. She has just got a first for her 4th year of her Law degree - but she is currently on tablets for a nervous breakdown. I am worried that she will leave. She has applied for a job with her local council, if she gets it she may well give up studying. It's a good job that DS is so happy, because I have been having the midnight phone conversations or facebook messagings with her instead of DS. It could be worse, they could have both done it at the same time as each other. I could be the one on tablets.

Thanks Made. I told her to take a couple of weeks off, she is coming on holiday with us for two weeks at the end of next week, and then get back to it.

She is bright enough not to be struggling (in theory), but I am wondering if this is not the right course for her.

Sorry to hear about your DD. If she is in her 4th year presumably she is nearly finished? It would certainly be sad if she was to leave now especially when she has done so well, but her health is important too.

One of my nephews changed course a couple of times, doing maths, ended up leaving Manchester with a first and got a job straight away with google for so much money the whole family was struck dumb...

So doing well/better for a second year, then changing course is not a bad choice.

DD has another two years to go. She was always so bright and happy and confident, but she works as well and of course her course gets harder with every term. I think she will let one of her jobs go.

Mrsrhod glad to hear that the prognosis is good and I look forward to speaking to you for many years to come.
My dd is finally back after her first year, we tried to drop her back about 3 weeks ago for her exams and to pick up her stuff. About 10 minutes away from the university the clutch went on the car so we ended up being brought back by the AA without her stuff. The clutch is finally fixed, her exams are over and the ex boyfriend dropped her things back here today which was very nice of him. It has been a year of drama and to be honest I hope next year will be quieter as my dm has terminal cancer , I am quite possibly going to be made redundant and I don't think I can cope with anything else at the moment. At least life isn't boring.

Crikey minsmum you've a lot to cope with right now. Maybe a bit of boring would be good....?!

Jelliclecat - maybe a couple of weeks away and a chance to think things through will help your dd. Can she contact her tutor for a chat?

Ds finally came home yesterday - he is still waiting for exam results so keeping everything crossed here.