My girl has set her heart on Oxford or Cambridge. Encourage or ignore????

[Ilovemyrabbits]

DD is 12...I know, it's very young and she's got a long way to go before we seriously need to consider this BUT...she is a very determined young lady who becomes very focussed when she has a goal in mind. She is academic and does well at school but she's not always top of the class. She's not overly outgoing, but she mixes well when she needs to. She has told all her friends she wants to go to Oxford or Cambridge. Her Y6 teacher told her she could do this if she wanted to. In the teacher's defence, she has two daughters who have gone through the Oxbridge process successfully and I think she was trying to be encouraging.

I am torn here between wanting to encourage dd in her aims, because it's good to aim high, and wanting her to be grounded. She's quite a sensible girl, even at 12, but I'm trying to figure how to deal with this. Part of me thinks, keep quiet...it's a long way before the decisions need to be made and she may well adapt her plans by then. Another part of me thinks, she's stubborn and what do we do if she sticks with it?? Should we be encouraging her now? Asking teachers if she's capable? Or what????

Neither her dad nor I went to university, so I guess we're a little out of our comfort zone here. Does anyone have any advice for me????

about, not aout. I really do need not an ancient computer.

I was most certainly never halfway possessed by either maths or history and politics (the subjects I did at Part I and Part II of my tripos). I was more than halfway possessed by many things at ages 12, ages 18-22 and well, now (and they have mainly been the same things. Why yes I am listening to a Big Finish audio as I type ) but maths, history or politics? Nah.

Oh FFS yellowtip, OP alluded to 'no formal education' immediately after referencing the fact that she didn't do a degree. I don't think anyone thought she was saying she hadn't been to school.

What on earth is your problem here? Are you doubting she is who she says she is? Or do you think only your children should have a shot at Oxbridge? Because I really don't get your attitude on this thread and I think it is completely uncalled for.

OP, I think you're doing all the right things and you have had great advice on this thread from the majority of posters. I wish you and your DD luck.

OP, I would say to be encouraging, rather than encourage her, IYKWIM.

The subject choice will be really important (my degree is one of those that is better studied outside Oxbridge, for example). She has lots of time to decide yet, though it sounds like she is being sensible in her exam choices so far.

But don't let this become the be all and end all - it really isn't the end of the world if she doesn't end up at Oxbridge, though it might feel that way to her if she has spent six years planning to go there.

And of course at some point she needs to decide which one she wants to go to, and why

Yellowtip, I was naturally bright. I took o levels because I got 82% in my French exam in my first year at secondary school. I had a natural aptitude for language, apparently. It put me in the top set for English and Maths and Consequently I ended up taking o levels, as did the top 2 classes in my sink estate comp. I didn't think that was so unusual, but clearly you know better.

My mother told me, when I said I wanted to go to college at 16, that I had ideas above my station and I had to go out and get a job and bring some money in for the rent, just like my siblings had. I fought it for as long as I could but eventually gave in and got an office job.

What bugs you about my education or this thread I don't even want to understand, but whatever issues you have here, I'm glad they're not mine.

I'm not getting yellowtips's problem either OP. I think you're probably best to ignore.

And by the way, thanks for starting the thread, there's been some really useful stuff posted for anyone who has a DC considering Oxford or Cambridge as an option

yellowtip I acknowledge that perhaps halfway possessed is an exaggeration but I don't think that many people understand that there is a difference between having an interest in something and a passion for something (and IME, Oxbridge prefer the latter)

The seriously clever point is relevant as well. It's not enough to be top of your year. In most schools, you have to be top of your year for your subject (and others) by a country mile to be aiming for Oxbridge - unless that is you are fortunate enough to be at the sort of school that sends pupils to Oxbridge by the dozen.

I wanted to go to Cambridge when I was 12. And it was clearly a realistic ambition at that point. I wanted to go when I was 7 too and it was clearly realistic even then. But at no point, ever, not even after O levels, did my parents start asking round about the best way to get me there. They were always supportive, they always told me I could do anything I wanted if I worked hard, but they didn't try and steer me anywhere. And, most importantly, they didn't try to live their lives through me. That would have been an unwelcome pressure, I think. There's nothing wrong with having dreams at 12. There's a lot wrong with being a Stage Mother.

Thanks marni and families. I know on a thread like this it can look like you're obsessing, but dd hasn't mentioned uni in days and neither have I. Although this thread has carried on, I haven't in real life., I'm just bookmarking the bits I like and ignoring the bits that seem less relevant.

DD's now on book 5 of the Gone series and I've asked her if she wants to borrow my copy of the Chrysalids or Brave New World next as she's clearly in a dystopian frame of mind. We often read the same books as we like to talk about them together. I dare say when she's older that'll stop completely for a while at least but for now, I'm filling my boots, as they say, if you'll excuse the vernacular.

The OP wasn't asking how best to get her DD there though. She was asking whether to encourage or ignore the child's own stated aim. Because she didn't want to do the wrong thing. There's a world of difference.

Don't worry about it rabbits. You're not obsessing.

Yellowtip you clearly think you're appearing in the penultimate episode of the Apprentice picking apart the OP's 'CV' of statements but your comments seem pretty mean spirited

Particularly when they come from someone who already has 4 DC at Oxford...

Ooh - thanks LittleBear. I'd lost track of the time (one hour time difference doesn't help). Thank heavens for Brussels getting BBC 1!

I'm not steering anyone anywhere Russians and I'd make a lousy stage mother as dd would only have to say 'I don't want to do that' and I'd say 'fair enough'.. I was merely asking advice on what I should for dd right now. Said advice was proffered.

I have quite plainly said I'm not at all convinced dd has the necessary level of brightness to get to Oxbridge, but I am not going to crush her dreams now, when she has nothing concrete to hang them on. All I can do for now is ensure that she does what's best for her education in general. That might mean talking to her about options, though she already has hers in mind. It might mean encouraging her to read different materials by making sure they are available to her. She's not hothoused. She's not being forced into a path of study or toward a goal she can't reach. I've taken the bits I think dd will find useful from here as anyone would. The rest will possibly never apply, but as I said before...my initial thread asked how to deal with this, not how do I get my girl into Oxbridge at any cost.

No problem although I'm jealous - Athens is too far south for BBC1, enjoy!

As, clearly, mAny others have noticed. Thanks for the support.

LittleBear - weather might be better in Athens though! I skipped a formal dinner on the pretext of work to do. Really - my appointment with Lord Sugar king of comedy take precedence!

And my point is that you don't have to, and nor should you, 'deal with it'. This seems to be the bit you are not getting. She needs to be able to explore ideas and dreams without having everything she looks at pounced on.

That should have said, I'm just trying to do my best for dd, as some of you have noticed. These posts came in whilst I was trying to write a rational response to the people who think I am obsessed with Oxbridge and trying to push dd there at all costs.

Ok Russians. A chat forum - where one talks endlessly about a topic because its there and you are responding to questions and statements vs real life where said posts have entered the consciousness and been filed away and not necessarily acted upon.

In terms of dealing with it, I was just looking for advice. I will deal with the advice I have been given and let some of it inform how I best help dd. she's my child. She's 12. IF she comes to me for advice I now feel more equipped to help her. IF I have to talk to school I now know more about the university process than I did. IF dd asks for advice on how to get to university, I can now guide her more effectively than I could have before this thread. That's what I meant by deal with it.

Am I reading a different thread or something? The OP isn't 'pouncing' on anything. She acknowledged that her DD isn't top of the class. She acknowledged that she's only 12 and there's a long way to go. Her DD has expressed a lofty ambition which she may, or may not, be able to achieve. If she spends the next 6 years thinking that's where she'll go and fails to get in that could be a real problem for her. So does the OP encourage her? Encourage her but try to suggest that other universities may suit her better? Or, if it looks unlikely as time goes on that she'll achieve her ambitions, try to manage her expectations? It's a perfectly reasonable question expressed in perfectly reasonable terms.

Encourage in a non-committal sort of way, saying you'll support her in whatever further/higher education she eventually chooses. If you jump in too far with the Oxbridge stuff at this stage, it will be harder for her to back out if she feels Oxbridge is what you really approve of most, and she "ought" to continue in that direction. Support her in getting the best out of her education, as well as all other aspects of life, and wait and see where this takes her in a few years time.

Russians me too (S&L at school aged 13).

Marni this has got everything to do with me being a cynic and has bugger all to do with my DC, though you mention them twice in succession, which is more than I've done. But they're ok with competition actually, so am I. I think there are several thousand places to fill between the two unis anyhow and sadly/ mercifully I haven't been quite that prolific.

LittleBear I make no apologies for enjoying picking holes in CVs or with enjoying The Apprentice. And now I need to pay full attention to The Boardroom :)