DS, university, depressed

[IssyPeach]

DS first year University - far from home. Hard course, a lot of work. At Christmas was OK, tired, but OK. Spoke warmly of his new friends. Phoned a few evenings ago. Down, very down. Feeling he was anxious about work - about money (we try to help as we can) - though he couldn't put his finger on what exactly was making him unhappy. Sounded so despondent - unusual for him.

Guess maybe homesick. Rang shortly after start of new term, saying he now had a girlfriend. I don't know if it's anything to do with that. I mentioned the kind of help you can get at Uni - the chaplaincy (even if you're not religious), SU etc. His tutor, he says, doesn't expect to see students - find that hard to believe.

Anyway, am wondering what practically I can do. Have emailed with supportive messages but he very rarely gets in touch. Over 18 so out of the question to phone the dept and ask tutor to get in touch with him? Contact welfare officer at SU? (They'd say it had to come from him.) Very worried - he sounded on the brink of giving it all up and he worked hard to get his place.

It'll be Easter soon enough but he thinks that's a long, long time away. Cost an arm and a leg to come here for a weekend and almost a day's driving if we picked him up. Then, would that help?

Anyone else with DCs in this position? What can you do? Thanks!

Get in touch with his tutor and ask if all is ok. Better still go and see him. Surprise him, take him out for a meal and talk.

Don't let him keep himself isolated. It sounds like he needs support.

I'm giving this advice with hindsight as to what happened to DBro. My parents thought he was fine and he absolutely was not. For years afterwards. University can be tough.

Thanks Sooty - I must contact his tutor - the worst he can say is 'I don't speak to parents' but he might still look out for DS.
I'd love to go and see him - would have to make a weekend of it but I think it's going to be necessary.

I don't have a DC in this position, but I was in your DC's position in my first year three years ago. I was fine being away from home etc but hated my course. My "personal" tutor told us in the first fortnight of term that "you can come and see with any problems you have. Preferably not personal ones though, academic ones". So that's great help, there. I had a new boyfriend (in fact it's our 3 years in a couple of weeks) and was leaning on him so much. One night at home I burst into tears and cried down the phone "I don't know who I am any more". He took me to the uni doctor and I got a counselling appointment, and it was so unbelievably helpful.

Be pleased your DS is letting you know he's sad. I would only talk to my parents once a week because "I've got loads on" but actually I just didn't want to talk to them because I knew they would realise from my voice.

Your DS is not alone. He needs to go to a doctor and tell them how he is feeling. A uni doctor is ideal because they are experienced in this. Mine gave me a questionnaire to fill in, diagnosed me with "moderate anxiety and mild depression" (surely everyone has that at some point?) and referred me to a lovely counsellor who let me just sit in her room for an hour either talking, crying, or in silence. Whatever I felt like.

The key for me was that I felt like I had made a huge mistake, but your parents supporting you doesn't help because they have to love you no matter what you do. Having a relative stranger say "it is normal to feel this way, and you will be ok. You are coping very well" made a world of difference.

Hi, I was in this situation 14 yrs ago, I gave up my uni place and stayed down there and worked and eventually my parents had to bring me home, as I basically had a nervous breakdown.

They visited and rang, I had a boyfriend but I just couldn't keep everything together.

It is a very difficult situation for all concerned, because giving up my course was the right thing for me, despite everything. I probably will never know how worried my parents were about me at that time though.

I don't think I'm being very helpful, I'm sorry. Although I do think getting him home for a bit at Easter is well worth the time and expense.

From my memories, I didnt really know anything was wrong until my behaviour started getting erratic and weird even to me, so a phone call to the uni services would have been very unwelcome as I didn't think anything was wrong with me, until I made a particular phonecall to my parents and they said they would visit the next day (and took me home!)

He could be depressed (due to not looking after himself, not eating properly, drinking can have a depressive effect etc etc) he could be disillusioned with the uni or course, and if he worked hard to get there, then that's quite a bitter pill to swallow.

I'm sorry, I just thought you might like to hear from someone who has been in your sons position. I'm fine now. I was home for 3 months, got fed up (my mum would literally leave by breakfast and lunch out for me!), then got a part time job, then started a new course at a new uni and thrived. My ma says maybe I just wasn't ready at that time to go away and look after myself and pay bills and do work and have a job etc etc (love my mum!!)

Yes please do. My DBro lied to our parents saying he was 'ok' when he had actually dropped out already!

He will probably just be embarrassed about his mum turning up, so bring lots of treats (food!)!

Sympathies! This is common and my DD went through this in 1st year. She was a straight A student and suddenly found she was struggling to cope with the work load and pressures big time. We had tears on the phone and it broke my heart.

Luckily she joined a church and so had a whole new network of support and people to talk to. She had worked so hard to get to the Uni of her dreams and was beginning to wonder if it was worth it.

I sent her a long email of support and strategy, followed by a text and more phone calls. She spoke to her tutors and actually ended up switching her main course and in 2nd year was flying and very happy.

Keep the communication channels open, visit if possible and let him know he has your full support. He will get through this.

Best of luck :)

Go see him Issy! Take a weekend break. I had a period of horrible homesickness in my first year of uni. I remember flying home on a friday, returning on the sunday! (two international flights, only really had saturday at home!!) But it was worth it.

Just to put your mind at ease, this is a really common problem for first year students at Uni.Particularly at this time of year, homesickness kicks in, work deadlines are having to be met, funds are wavering, somtimes the course content is not what the student thought it was, basically the novelty has worn off and reality bites.

But Universitys are very kean to keep hold of their students and pride themselves on the support they offer,typically each faculty has a student support officer who will do their utmost to help your son.It would be ideal if your son could make an appointment to see one, but if it was me I would also try and speak to one just to see what their advice is and what their recommendations are for me as a parent.It does not surprise me to hear the Academic staff do not seem to be involved in pastoral care, teaching is their priority and often their contact with students consists only of lectures and the odd seminar all based around the subject .

If you are terribly unhappy Easter is a long time to wait to come home but the odds are these feelings will pass and he will enter the next term in a different mindset, he just needs some help.

I hope you get something sorted you must be very worried

I think I would have to go and see him and then try and put some support in place for him. The first term at university is very exciting so going back after Christmas is a bit of an anticlimax. DD2 is in her first year at university and she was very tired over Christmas and she had exams to revise for. I felt she wasn't quite ready to go back and she seemed quite sad about it. We arranged that I would come and visit her in half term with DS so that the term didn't seem so long. She isn't as far away as your DS but far enough away that we'll be staying overnight.

The first year is quite difficult as they are still getting used to being away from home.

Oh, thanks so much for all these warm and encouraging posts! I am grateful. Yes, I will definitely take a weekend soon, perhaps next, to see DS and feed him (the point about him possibly not looking after himself was well made). That will also break the term up (for both of us) as he'll be home at the end of March for the Easter holidays.

I may well phone his department - I can't see what hard it could it. Perhaps a secretary will pass a message to said tutor who might seek out DS (according to DD, tutor told his tutees that they shouldn't see him about personal issues but of course that is in part their role).

I had a miserable first year at Uni - and my parents, very loving though they were, wouldn't let me come home, even when I'd got myself to their home city on the train and rang from the station. I had to go back. In the end I dropped out and went back to Uni years later.

I'll find out if there is a Uni based health centre - I don't think there is. DS had to fill in a form for an off campus GP but I have no idea what happened next. He tells me so little - but perhaps the Uni will expand.

Thanks again.

You sound like a nice and caring mum, and I suspect that he just finds it hard to call home, it is such a transition isnt it? Out on your own, far from home. I did not call home as often as I should.

I remember one evening there was a knock on our door. It was another Norwegian student, she was at another LSE, and the daughter of our Church warden back in my home town. We did not have a land line, and neither any mobiles. My mum got so worried about me she called her Church warden and asked if he could please get his daughter to come check on me that everything was ok. She had come all the way from Dollis Hill to Tooting bec. Imagine my surprise.... (and shame)

My point is, it is only natural to worry, but also only natural to try to stand on your own to feet.

Hello Issypeach you sound like an amazing mum because your DS was able to tell you how he felt

I'm with the others on going to visit him - seeing someone face to face is always so much nicer: suggestions for you to take are : food; 2 plates from the home everyday dinner service or some other homey everyday thing of utility; set of clean bedlinen; kettle if he hasn't already got one; others might have more.
Other nice things to do are send him book tokens or books or a dvd or something from amazon you can say its a gift without asking for gift wrap then you dont have to pay extra but can ask them to include a message of your choice.
You can send little cards and things- a bit like a granny might if you were his granny if that makes sense.
Budget for a bit of a shop when you see him.
My DS was out of money by about this time in his first year and didn't like to say. So now we don't give him all his money all at once at the beginning of term but keep back a bit and give it to him at ' half term'. Things like books become a worry, and the food budget becomes low.
I think you are lucky to have such a nice relationship with your DS. Mine wouldnt have said if he was feeling low and we just had to guess but we stuck around any way on the phone, in person (infrequently), by post, text messaging. Probably everyones worst embarrassment but they seem not to mind too much. TBH the most embarrassing thing is being there in their student room or walking along some university street and nice/dishy looking student friends coming in or passing by and DC saying ' this is my mum' really proudly: that is really embarrassing so be prepared to feel old when you go.

Issy DDD said what she liked best about visits was sitting in a nice (but too expensive for a student) tea place in a comfy armchair and chatting, buying various warm items of clothing (again beyond the usual student budget) and tidying up her room so that it was fit for us to see it! DS also said that his student house was always spruced up for parents and that meant it became more habitable! She plans what to do when we visit and she puts it in her diary and looks forward to it! DS also looks forward to it and cooks he says its becauae the kitchen is clean enough when parents come round! So we arent allowed to take him out for a meal but have to sit there not noticing the dirt and eating the delicious food and chatting to the young ones.

DD said the reason she liked visits is it made her feel we were interested in her student life and she liked that. I pass this onto you as it appears to be perfectly in order to enquire about essay marks etc.

Thanks again so much for these warm posts. I really am grateful. DS' tired, sad voice keeps reverberating in me and it's really so unlike him.

Plan of action is a) discreet phone call to Uni, probably starting with welfare at SU (talked to them before about accommodation difficulties and they were more than willing to talk to parents, at least in general terms b) Amazon gift (thanks so much FP for that suggestion) c) another supportive email (Milliways - "and strategy" sound good and practical, too) and d) a visit - money is tight at this end (what's new?) but hell, DS is more than worth some belt tightening.

I guess he's homesick, missing younger sibling, pets, possibly Mum and Dad and wondering if he made a wise decision in going to Uni so far from home. But it's a good one, not big for a Uni, and has a reputation for caring for students so here's hoping that he does find support there if and when he seeks it. He so rarely phones, never replies to emails but from your posts, it seems that that isn't all that unusual.

Said in one of his two calls this term that he had a gf now - perhaps something has happened there. Whatever, I agree that some fresh warm clothes and a couple of good meals when I get there may revive his spirits until things pick up.

Thanks again - and good luck with all your DC further/higher education highs and lows!

My take on this is a little different. My cousin was finally diagnosed as being bipolar, after a year of telling his Mum he felt miserable at university. If it had been caught sooner, the impact on him and the rest of his life may not have been so significant.

So, without being alarmist, I would up the tempo a little. I would phone his tutor for sure, but I would also get down to see him ASAP. Little treats won't really make a big difference if he is already seriously depressed (or suffering from a different mental illness) - direct action is the key. The easter holiday is ages away.

HTH - and wish you and your son all the very best.

Mine was in this position last year. I sent little parcels with treats, visited for a bit and was very positive when she popped home on a regular basis.
I also checked on what the uni said was available for supporting students on their website, personal tutor, course guidance and accommodation support.
Then I shoved a rocket up their respective arses and stood by with the match to ensure they did what they claimed they did.
I found having had years of experience supporting my Aspie DS with MS schooling made me confident and relentless when it came to prodding people with gusto.
Year 2 has turned out a lot better. Occasional wobbles but a much better and proactive response on her part to problem solving.

Go and see him ,bearing home cooking and little gifts. Take him out for a meal and treat him gently.

Perhaps all those on Mumsnet who preach about -
they're over 18, you don't need to get involved. Why are you taking your 17 year old to Uni open day etc will see this and realise that your children don't
become sole survivors once they reach 16/17/18 - they are your children until the fay ou die and they all need different levels of support.

IssyPeach - I am a University lecturer and have children of my own at University so I see this from both sides. It is difficult I know as a parent to think your child is alone and some students do suffer terribly from homesickness. My own DD is feeling very homesick also. I do not think that your son's tutors can speak to you about him unless they have his permission. I am not allowed to contact parents of my students or reply to them because of the wonderful data protection act and that students can complain if I do so. However, that does not mean I would not act on an email I received and contact a student i had reason to believe was not coping. Personal tutors are supposed to see their students at least once a term at my University and more often if they wish to make an appointment.

I would say go see him and meanwhile email his personal tutor if you know who it is but dont expect a response - it wont mean the email hasnt been acted upon!

'Personal tutors are supposed to see their students at least once a term at my University and more often if they wish to make an appointment.'

Yup. That was one of my starting points. Then getting her to go to the GP and discuss what they could do for her. Then emailing other tutors who then made contact with her and supported her with positive action. I found out from her what was happening as a consequence, they didn't get back to me personally but I wasn't bothered. They were helping her and that was all I wanted.

Going to see him one weekend is a lovely idea ... but then what?
Try to make contact with his flatmates and get their mobile number or skype address so if there is a repeat of this pattern you can speak to someone who can go and knock on his door there and then.

Is he waiting on exam results; is that what is getting to him? Also, how important is his first year. DD was in the happy position where she only had to pass her first year - how well she passed didn't matter because the first year didn't count towards the ultimate class of degree. Is he worrying unnecessarily?

I understand Dustinthewind and am glad your DD got the support she needed - I dont think anyone (certainly not me) would refuse to help a student who asked for help. I have emailed my own child's personal tutor also recently - with her permission - with concerns and they were acted upon. Issypeach you need to prevail on your DS to make an appointment with his tutor whether the tutor "expects" to see him or not and if the University has a college system, his college tutor who will be more responsible for pastoral rather than academic welfare.

University students are adults and have a right in law to be treated as such. Staff are put in a very difficult position by the law despite what we may feel in our hearts is the correct thing to do with struggling young people away from home but there is lots of help available if the student asks for it. There have been instances where students have taken legal action against a University for giving information to thier parents without their permission. I think the Government really has to decide whether university students are independent adults or not - on the one hand their finances/grants are dependent on their parents income and on the other, the parents have no say in anything or any right to know how they are doing unless their child wishes it.

Sometimes I think that counselling is too easy an answer - its too easy to say that x or y should go and see a counseller as then all of us are absolved of the responsibility of hearing whats wrong and of being human. We aren't given permission anymore in todays society to really say when we feel ghastly even to close friends. Thats if suppose we are lucky enough to have close friends. We are made to feel guilty for saying we feel bad. We just don't talk about our feelings enough to each other.

Or maybe thats just our family.

funny I don't think seeing a counsellor should remove the responsibility of the people who care about you/you care about, but I do think it can be helpful to have an unbiased opinion. My mum telling me I did something well is lovely, obviously, but she's my mum - she wouldn't say "gosh that's a bit crap. Never mind, you were always rubbish at x", even if it clearly was. I think it can be more productive to have a third party's opinion. I'm sorry if you feel that you can't talk to your family

IssyPeach, while you might be right to consider worst case scenarios such as severe depression, my sense is that your DS has actually told you what is wrong: the course workload is getting him down. The academic gap between school and university is often huge, which can make a new student feel despondent for months. Unfamiliar terms, topics and tasks will, though, gradually make sense. Science courses can be especially demanding, and students have to become well organised in order to cope. Handling one?s own domestic life and, perhaps, a new love affair at the same time makes this even tougher, but it?s part of growing up. So, do bring home-cooked food but don't panic yet. A crisis in year one does not generally mean that a student ought to change courses or drop out.