DS, university, depressed

[IssyPeach]

DS first year University - far from home. Hard course, a lot of work. At Christmas was OK, tired, but OK. Spoke warmly of his new friends. Phoned a few evenings ago. Down, very down. Feeling he was anxious about work - about money (we try to help as we can) - though he couldn't put his finger on what exactly was making him unhappy. Sounded so despondent - unusual for him.

Guess maybe homesick. Rang shortly after start of new term, saying he now had a girlfriend. I don't know if it's anything to do with that. I mentioned the kind of help you can get at Uni - the chaplaincy (even if you're not religious), SU etc. His tutor, he says, doesn't expect to see students - find that hard to believe.

Anyway, am wondering what practically I can do. Have emailed with supportive messages but he very rarely gets in touch. Over 18 so out of the question to phone the dept and ask tutor to get in touch with him? Contact welfare officer at SU? (They'd say it had to come from him.) Very worried - he sounded on the brink of giving it all up and he worked hard to get his place.

It'll be Easter soon enough but he thinks that's a long, long time away. Cost an arm and a leg to come here for a weekend and almost a day's driving if we picked him up. Then, would that help?

Anyone else with DCs in this position? What can you do? Thanks!

I'm also a university lecturer. We can't discuss students with their parents, but can say 'when students show signs of depression, these are the resources and procedures we can follow.' When I get calls/e-mails from parents, I reply using a pro-forma supplied by the university which explains the students' right to privacy, but I do, of course, also try to find and talk to the student. And of course they come and discuss personal issues - that's always been part of the job. But it's not part of our training or core skills, and some are more comfortable with it than others.

IssyPeach, while you might want to consider worst-case-scenarios such as clinical depression, my sense is that your DS has actually told you what is wrong: the course workload is getting him down. The academic gap between school and university is often huge, which can make a new student feel despondent. Unfamiliar terms, topics and tasks will, though, gradually make sense. Science courses can be especially demanding, and students have to become well organised in order to cope. Handling one?s own domestic life and, perhaps, a new love affair at the same time makes this even tougher, but it?s part of growing up. So, do bring home-cooked food but don?t panic. A crisis in year one does not generally mean that a student ought to change courses or drop out.

Just had the same scenario with my ds , we paid for him to come home for the weekend and talked about the things that were worrying him. It was much better to talk face to face.He went back much happier and realised that he did have other options if he wants to take them. We go over to see him next week for his b day and he will meet up with his siblings as well. He is a long way from home and cant just pop back for the weekend very easily. I think that exams, essay deadlines and keeping on top of everything gets on top of them and sometimes they just need a bit of "home" time to put everything back into perspective. Hope he feels better soon . x

My DS sailed through first year but had a very serious wobble in second year. It took me by surprise as I had foolishly assumed all was well since he had crossed the first hurdle. He is fine now, but we did marshall all our forces and gave him a lot of support. Boys are difficult to read and they will not confide in each other like girls do. I told mine that he can confide ANYTHING in me and I will not freak out--that seemed to help. (inside I am freaking, of course)

It must be the hardest term, the after Christmas period of the first year - all teh excitement of being there and socialising has worn off and now it's a realisation that the work is really hard. So it could just be that adjustment.

My own DS is in his third year and has ups and downs still. I don't wait for him to call me - if I haven't heard from him for a few days I call him and just talk about everyday things - what his sisters did, the snow in the garden, the guinea pig - anything to help him feel connected. Perhaps you could call your DS more if you've only spoken couple of times. I also send him email links to anything he might be interested in and sometimes things in the post - newspaper cuttings etc. I don't know if it would help your DS - you'd have to judge if it would make him more homesick.

My DD is also in her first year and 5 hours away but will always tell us exactly how she feels so we don't have to guess. She is happy to Skype and just leave it on in her room for an hour while she sits around randomly chatting as if we're in the sAme room. That really helps her as she admits she misses us. So Skype might help if he's missing everyone and you're more likely to get to the bottom of it with a face to face.

And do go Nd see him if you can - that way you'll get to the bottom of it. Good luck - not long til Easter, as you say

DS - very outgoing and confident - felt pretty unsure in his first term, and again at the thought of going back after Christmas at home, although the reality was far better. I think many, many students have problems, and whilst you don't want to under-estimate the way they're feeling, it's perhaps just as important not to magnify it. Although I totally understand about the sick feeling having had a less that enthusiastic conversation!

DS kept an academic year planner on his wall, which was not only useful from a work point of view, but also highlighted holidays, visits etc. I think that helped. We also sent cards, little gifts etc., so there was regular contact from home - and we were fortunate in that DS phoned very regularly, and has no problem with me phoning him.

Nobody warns you that the worrying just goes on and on, do they?!!

My DB was/is in a similar situation I can or echo what others have said.
I send my brother Sainsburys gift vouchers- I think you can use them online too. Every few months I let him know to be in on say Sunday morning( students tend to be) as a Sainsburys delivery order is coming.
I normally just buy frozen bits and essentials but it puts my mind at rest. If only my mother thought the same.
Just an idea, the amazon gift is a good one too.
Hope he is ok.

Don't call his tutor! I was at a RG University in the 80s and had pneumonia in my second year exams. Resat them in the summer and then went to France for my year abroad. It was very difficult to find somewhere to live and I was still very weak and my mother called my tutor. Big mistake - it was a real black mark as I was an adult and should have been able to look after myself. So please do not call his tutor - this is not school.

I'd like to thank you all for your supportive and really helpful posts. I've just re-read them all and made several more mental notes to help me/DS/the rest of the family deal with whatever is going on.

Took the Amazon related advice - sent a couple of gifts. Wrote a chatty letter, enclosing a couple of photos and local newspaper articles of possible interest.

Still very difficult to speak on the phone as he won't get his new mobile sorted - may have to concede defeat and send him one with a sim card already installed, make a note of the number etc.

He borrowed a phone recently and told me that he's now got a g/f - she sounds lovely. He sounded pretty chuffed about that and wanted me to know.

But other things are up - I think the heavy workload is getting him down and he's also having money probs - finds it very difficult to manage those large sums they get at the start of a new term and is now finding that certain privaliges have been withdrawn as hall fees aren't up to date. We bailed him out last term - now money's pretty tight but we're doing what we can.

And I'm going to see him next weekend - take on board the suggestions about taking home cooked food - will do!

I am concerned that he never seems to see his tutor - did once, as part of a group, at the very start of the course. I've dropped his tutor a line - haven't heard back yet but at least there's now a chance that DS will be on this guy's 'radar'.

Again, many thanks -

I'm feeling ghastly today because I think my DS is depressed. He came home for the weekend after term ended but now has gone back to his (12 month contract) student house. He says he has 'loads' on but I don't think he does. I think he is frozen, waiting on first year exam results which dont come out for another 2 weeks. (I am sure he has passed) He hasn't found a holiday job or next years accommodation or sorted out a holiday. He says he doesn't want to come home because he has 'nowhere to go' because he says I make him feel useless. That makes me feel even worse. How can I help him to feel more loved and valued? He also says he has bedbugs in the house. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I have the energy to go and visit him and think he would hate it anyway. Any suggestions gratefully received.

Not very good with advice I'm afraid, but wanted to say sorry you feel this way. I think if it would make you feel better to see him, then you should go if you are well enough. Or does he have a sibling or an old school friend who you could encourage to go and visit him? I think the last few weeks of term are a bit strange my DD was all 'on edge' when she got back, I think because she'd been the calm one among the bickerings that occurred in the last few days.

Thanks. Old school friends. Good idea.

Hi, hope your D'S feels happier soon. I think it is very stressful waiting for their exam results even in the first year. Unlike A2s they have no mark schemes to follow and I think genuinely even if they have worked hard during the year they are not confident about results. I was speaking to a friend this morning and her DC is waiting for 1st year results too and she has turned into " not a very nice person"..... Her Mother's words not mine.
As for how to cheer your DS up... I found food always works! At Easter my DC was feeling the same as all her friends had gone home and she stayed at university. I sent her a small sainsburys order. Yes it had normal things in but being Easter I added a few chocolate Lindt bunnies. If his old school friends might be visiting him a food delivery might be really useful.
I hope he feels happier soon.

funnyperson - so hard being a parent and feeling you can't help .

I was enormously depressed in my twenties and kept well away from my mother because I couldn't handle her distress on top of mine .

Not saying that you are showing your distress to son but perhaps he picks up on it ?

I can't hide mine now in front of my son but I do keep telling him that it's my job to keep myself happy ,not his . Not sure this works though .

I think for many ,being unhappy ,is part of growing up and all parents can do is back off while also letting them know that you love them whatever happens and that in a few years time they'll look back on this time with equilibrim .

Sorry not to be more help ; feel for you .

Hello, I just thought I would let you know that DS is back home now, and seems perfectly fine! It appears that last week was a temporary glitch.

Strange life.

Lost a longish post the gist of which is that he is socialising post exams and also that we have sorted his Hindu sacred thread ceremony for tomorrow so he is studiously sitting reading clothbound religious works in the front room as I write, having had his head shaved. Loads of preparations, lots of food, music from the priest, very low key family affair, but should be a really lovely day tomorrow. He will then be 'twice born' and have his own Guru to guide him through life. Didnt do it before as I wasn't organised enough.

Lovely update funnyperson .

Hope it's a lovely day and not too much of an anticlimax when it's all over .

Hope the day brings you some comfort .

Was a v happy though somewhat chaotic day. Brilliant food, fantastic occasion all were up for it, rallied round and gave us all masses to do and a lovely family memory. Am now exhausted. (masses of cooking and chauffering) Was definitely a sense of accomplishment for all. Not a sense of perfection etc but pretty good anyway. Am totally in awe of those who can organise large social gatherings. DS not depressed or deflated. Success because a) summer - the sun came out b) no gift angst as happens on birthdays/Christmas c) fewer people
Hats off to DS most definitely. V proud of him. Had a lovely time sitting around in the garden.