DSS thinking of leaving Uni after one term - ADVICE PLEASE!!

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My DH and I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give us. My DSS has been at Uni since September (living there) and we have just found out he is thinking of leaving. We just don't know what to do. His Dad spoke to him by phone on Saturday and has asked him not to do anything until after he had been home or the Christmas break and we have had chance to talk to him as to the reasons etc. DH said he sounded fine in himself,all he said was he didn't think he was capable of doing the course now and thinks maybe getting a job would be better!! Like it's that easy to get a job!!!

To give a little back ground,prior to going to Uni he did nothing 99% of the time but play on computer games in his room. He had done 2 x 2year college courses as he decided he didn't do well in the first one (through lack of effort) and so did a different course.In this he was doing brilliantly until nearer the end when he was given an unconditional Uni place so didn't make effort to get good grades,he did pass the course but could have done so much better.

We tried for the four years since he left schoolto get him to even get a part time job but hit a brick wall everytime. Not helped by the fact his Grandma kept giving him money handouts so he didn't need to work!!

I have a few real worries, on the one hand I am worried about him, his happiness,future etc but than from the other point of view (and this makes me feel really selfish) I am worried of the financial implications if he packs the course in, comes home to us and can't/won't get a job. I really feel for the stress this is going to put on the rest of the family & me and my DH's relationship.

Do we offer sympathy and support (he is 21 by the way) or is it time for a sharp reality check and if so how do we do it. Also does anyone know the implications for him regarding his student loans/grants/accomodation etc.

Thanks for any advice.

It depends on the reason he is deciding to leave. He may be desperately unhappy? I think he needs your support rather than judgement.

is it the course he's unhappy with or the uni itself?. dh is a uni lecturer and during the first year, there are a lot of students shuffling around between courses (he works within the arts) as they've changed their minds about what they want to study. maybe suggest he thinks about transferring rather than giving up completely, at least get him to sleep on it over the christmas break, think uni's finish on friday don't they?

The level of work expected can be quite a shock - if he got onto the course then I'm sure he is capable of it, but he maybe doesn't feel that way just now. Does he have a courses tutor, or someone else who he has been specifically allocated to? He should probably talk to someone at the university - his course tutor, or just a lecturer he finds approachable. Then he can talk about how he feels its going, where he's struggling, etc. They will probably be able to reassure him that what hes feeling is normal for the end of the first term.

Agree with being supportive.

But I would also leave room for the thought that he is a lazy sod who wants to come home to be fed/housed/given money to

And if that were the case I would offer lots of support but also drop in the idea that moving home would be only after a job was obtained - like normal adults do before they move cities. And whether there was a suitable bedsit in your town for him and that of course if he wanted to move in with you (note: not 'home') that rent would be payable.

He's had an awful lot of supportive management already hasn't he.

Ithink you do need to look at the finance implications certainly and ITA with daenery- could be a change of course is needed?

Is it just that actually he has to do some work now and he can't hack it? If it really looks like that then maybe the "stand on your own two feet then" approach maybe the one that will sort him out.....Looks like he's never bothered to develop any stickability or work ethic despite best efforts of parents. If her realises that income on benefits isn't good for a single bloke and the only thing his qualified to do is a minimum wage, boring but physically demanding job like stanfing up 8hrs a day flipping burgers or stacking shelves, he might just learn...

well I'd be providing both - sympathy that he's not happy but a sharp reality check about his future. It's normal to feel a bit lost the first term and if he doesn't get out and make an effort he won't have made friends there. But if he isn't prepared to work at anything and with his track record (two goes at college and a university drop out) he isn't going to be first choice for most jobs either. If he drops out now he'd have to pay higher fees if he ever wanted to go to university again. I'd be making it clear to him that sitting at home all day wouldn't be an option - he'd either have to have a job or if on benefit you'd expect a financial contribution to the household and for him to do voluntary work to acquire skills to help him get a job. Make it clear to him that the sort of job he can hope for might be bar work, part-time supermarket work or similar.

As far as the financial implications go if in university accommodation he's probably committed to paying for a full year. He'd still have to pay back any loans he's had when he starts to earn enough.

Basically he needs to learn to work sometime if he wants a decent life. He sounds rather depressed and you need to consider if he needs medical help with that.

nothing to stop him staying there for now and looking for a job at the same time. that way he leaves when he's got something to go on to, if leaving really is what he wants.

I dropped out of uni after one semester aged 19 and really regretted it. But I started another degree at my local uni a year later and completed that. It was dumb because I got myself in approx. an extra £3000 worth of debt and had nothing to show for it. I was suffering from homesickness and if I'd just stuck it out a little longer I think I'd have been fine (three months is not long enough to know if a job or course is right for you or not).

What is worrying about your son's situation is that if he drops out he will not be able to go back to uni without incurring three times the amount of debt due to the fee hikes next year. That would make me very wary about leaving if I were him.

I would encourage him to set himself a target, like complete (and pass) the first year of his course and then re-assess how he's feeling. If he still wants to leave he'll have 120 HE credits, and then he can always go back to a campus university and enter directly into the second year or put those credits towards an Open University degree (which will be cheaper than a degree at a campus uni after the fee hike and of course allow him to combine studying with working) at a later date.

If he has already completed some modules he will have received credit for those and if he is determined to leave now he could always put those towards an OU qualification later on, but should he ever want to go back to a campus uni unfortunately he'd almost certainly have to start over again, like I did.

He should also look into the possibility of changing subject as others on here have suggested. I had a friend who changed from Psychology to Psychology and Criminology then to Criminology all in the course of her first year! (She then dropped out but built on the credits she'd obtained and gained an OU degree in Social Sciences, whilst working full-time). And I switched from Combined Studies (Politics, Spanish and American Studies) to Politics at the end of my first year.

If he drops out before or at the end of his first year he'll be entitled to another student loan/grant if he enrols on another degree. If he drops out during his second year or later he won't.

I personally wouldn't want to enter today's competitive job market without either a Level 3 vocational qualification, e.g. in nursery nursing, plumbing, accountancy or IT, or a degree. I ended up on the dole after I dropped out and that was one of the reasons I went back to uni. Another reason was feeling like a total loser. We're not Richard bloody Branson. Qualifications help you get on in the world.

Sorry, that should have been 'all Richard bloody Branson' :o

I know someone who did this.
12 years later, he is not working, and still spends many hours a day playing computer games. He's not thick, but I look at him and think: what a bloody waste of a life.
It would have been a totally different scenario if he'd left university and bothered to get a job with half-way decent prospects.

Could your dss stay on until he has a semblance of a serious plan, and a notion of how he's going to achieve it? University's not going to be liked by everyone, that's fine, but it's a hoop to jump through in a lot of ways. If he carries on for a bit, whilst applying for jobs, he might see that he's actually in quite an advantageous position for someone of his age, compared to having to find a job that's not going to be dead-end. And if he does get a job, he's not lost anything. Going on the dole at this point seems like such a waste of time.

oh dear I feel your pain. If he can it would be better to stick to the course and pass and transfer to another course that he would like more at the end of the year. It is a shock when they leave home, my ds is the same age as yours left for uni this year, he has found it harder than he thought he would. He hates the mess that others make and dont clean up, even though he is not the tidiest of people himself. I think they miss home comforts and have to cope with working on their own, cleaning etc... Could you arrange some more visits home for him during term time? Looking at his track record you have always rescued him when the going got tough , so he is maybe expecting you to do the same this time. If he does drop out then for me he would have to assume all the debts that he incured at uni otherwise he is not taking responsibility for himself and looking towards you for a bail out. I am hoping that my ds is doing the work at uni but sometimes they have to sink or swim and they will only learn to be independant if we let go. Good luck .

I was pretty miserable at uni in my first term. Stuck it out to complete the year and then transferred to a different university for 2nd year and loved those final 2 years of my degree, Think if I'd tried moving after the first term it would have been difficult to settle in somewhere new mid-way through the year. I got put into halls with a group of other misfits who'd done the same thing and had a fab time.

Make him stick it out - this first term is full of homesickness and the workload is a bit of a shock - it will settle down the next couple of terms. It will also give him a sense of achievement for getting through something tough.

If it was my DSS I wouldn't give him a choice - would tell him to buckle down and do the work and we'd work something out in a few months time if he got decent enough grades to open up other options. But he's a lazy sod and I am quite mean.

You need to ask your DSS how he does he intend to earn his living if/when he gives up his course? Tell him that doing nothing is not an option. If he gives up his studies he will need to work in a supermarket or similar (minimum wage) job to pay you for his food and board. His university course might seem a more attractive option once you explain this

I wonder if he's thinking of leaving or if possibly the uni are thinking of removing him....

Can you ask him what his attendance has been like and what his grades have been so far? I suppose if he's not motivated (and it sounds like he may have a history of not trying too hard) then the amount of work his course entails may have come as a surprise.

Your DH and you need a good chat with DSS about the course, the reality of it and the reality of leaving.

Some good advice here.

I would definitely emphasise the 'getting a job before leaving uni'. It is remarkably difficult to get a job nowadays.

Does he have any work experience? References? Exactly how employable is he? He really ought to stay at uni long enough to get someone to agree to write him a reference.

Thank you so much to everybody for the advice so far. His Dad and I can have a good think now about what we are going to discuss with him at the weekend when he comes home for the Christmas period.

Did he actually want to go to uni in the first place? Or was it what was expected?

You have been more than supportive, I would let him leave (you can't stop him anyway) but not let him move back home.

He is not a child, he is old enough to make descisions and if that is to waste his life or get a job or do whatever he is old enough to do it.

It was completely his choice and he wanted to go.The cynic in me says it was to put off having to face the real world for longer and more for the laugh etc than for the qualifications that he wanted to go. He just seems so immature in alot of ways and the most annoying part is when we heard on the grapeveine last week that he was thinking of leaving, we attempted for 24 hours to get in touch with him. When he eventually choose to answer his phone he wanted to know what all the fuss was about!!! Just don't understand him!! Maybe he just doesn't understand what the big wide world is really like!

I would suggest asking him what he thought about the idea of coming back home and going to a local uni to study something akin to computer games programming. Looking at UCAS course search there are quite a few places that do it.

Perhaps leaving home, learning to look after himself, meeting new people and starting a course at a new place is just too much of a leap to do it all in one go.

Being at home means he would have the emotional support and the familiarity but at the same time getting a degree in something he spends a lot of time doing therefore may be interested in sticking with for 3 years.

The course he is on is games design!! so his number one interest, and he is at the Uni closest to where we live! Maybe he could live at home and commute?? Though tbh on track record he is better living on site as can't see him making the effort to make the 45 minute journey there and back each day. Might be worth a think about though if its the living in he is struggling with.

I havent got any advice buttons just sympathy.
Although my darling DC say I am good in a crisis I think I am not that good at dilemmas and life choices. But there is an old wise saying to the effect that you cannot make other peoples choices. So the only advice I have is look after the relationship between you and your son. Look after your family because perhaps that will give him the strength to make sensible choices.
If it were my family (think tiger asia etc) dropping out would not be an option. This makes it easier to know what to do in such a circumstance. Your DS would be told to grit his teeth and carry on though in addition exploring other course changes/using the academic support unit/ transferring to a uni nearer home/sorting extra currics out so that the eyesight is preserved after all that screenwork/ applying to industry and taking a sandwich year out rather than dropping out/ these would all be things we might research and consider in your position. Good luck I hope it works out.

I think you should try very hard to make him stick it out - if he is workshy then uni must be a hell of a shock. I think one useful tool might be to find out what he could earn if he finishes compared to what he will earn now as someone who is ostensibly an unskilled worker. Even if you try and get him to Easter or just the first year it will help him but leaving now an 'getting a job' is not realistic is it? He has spent so long dodging work I cannot see how that is all going to change overnight - an if he leaves after only one term that is another failure isn't it and will dent his confidence. You do need to find out what is really going on - it maybe that he has failed a module or something and he wants to walk away rather than deal with it. Good luck with it all though - very difficult situation for you to be in but all I would say is to not let your DH make it easy for him to drop out.

I have thought of something else, buttons : you 'heard it on the grapevine' so it may not be true. Grapevines are not always reliable.

funnyperson - We did initially hear it on the grapevine but my DH did speak to him briefly on the phone and DSS told DH what was on facebook was right and he is thinking of leaving.

My brother did this in his second year and mum refused to let him home, said if he was leaving uni he had to make his own way. She wasn't been nasty and there was no falling out but she just wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be a slacker. He got a sales assistant job but worked his way up to being a store manager.

However he does regret it now and has left work and is doing a degree through the OU.