Guest post: Domestic abuse - "I am a real-life Helen" (Warning: upsetting content)

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Domestic abuse isn't just physical violence; it is mental abuse. It is coercive control that creates an invisible prison for the abused. This is what we have been hearing on The Archers – the slow, insidious mental torture that Rob has been inflicting on Helen. I am a real life Helen.

As a Survivor Ambassador for Women's Aid, I met with Louiza, who plays Helen, to help her understand and convey Helen's experience of coercive control and domestic abuse. I am very proud of the impact it has had. It is vital that domestic abuse is portrayed clearly, in all its ugliness – and The Archers has not shied away from that. It does not matter if people are uncomfortable when they listen to it; they need to understand the painful reality of domestic abuse, and how coercive control can envelop a victim, crushing her spirit.

I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable at the hands of my ex, including horrific physical attacks. My eldest son saw his father take a blow torch to me. I had already been subjected to eight hours of torture: punched, glassed, and knifed. For the next four days I was left to lie in my blood - not allowed to wash or leave the bedroom. Raped when it suited him, even as I was swollen black and blue. I was drifting in and out of consciousness until a policeman appeared on a ladder banging on the window, calling my name.

The mental side of domestic abuse is another dark story. Many have their souls and minds broken – as has happened to Helen – even when the physical wounds have healed. My children gave me strength, and this riled my ex. In the periods when he left us alone throughout the years the house was filled with laughter. We were creative with art and music, expression and freedom.

But he came back, time and time again. We were forced into refuges; we had to change our names. I have buried two sons because of him. One was lost to a violent physical assault when I was pregnant. My eldest son, Daniel, committed suicide. After his father was released early from prison, Daniel screamed at the police, saying we "couldn't keep running to be killed in the end". The fear of his father coming back to find us was too much for Daniel to bear. That is a huge part of coercive control – the terror of what might happen. Coercive control, and the mental anguish, and the terror, took Daniel from me. The pressure of living in a climate of fear was too much for my son. The injustice of it is a spike in my heart.

My mission - my reason for surviving now - is to gather enough people together to stand up for change, to unite our voices. To campaign for strong sentences for perpetrators of domestic abuse. To make people understand that a relationship ending does not mean the abuse is over. To make people see the realities of domestic abuse – that it's not just physical violence. My physical wounds have healed but the mental scarring is permanent. This is undoubtedly what it will be like for Helen, too.

I speak out about my experience for Women's Aid in the hope of saving as many lives as I can. They helped us over the years with advice and support, and providing a safe haven. They were a vital lifeline - hanging by a thread because of huge funding cuts to domestic abuse services, and a lack of value placed on them.

I don't know where I would be now without Women's Aid. That is why I am raising funds for them so that they can continue their lifesaving work with women and children, and why I am asking everyone who has been moved by the storyline to please donate whatever you can to Women’s Aid through my fundraising page.

If I have helped just one woman to think “I am like Helen, and I need help,” when she listened to The Archers, then I am happy. I want all women living with an abusive partner out there to know – you are not alone. Women's Aid will help you. We believe you.

Mandy Thomas is a Survivor Ambassador for Women's Aid and author of You Can't Run, a memoir detailing her experience of domestic abuse.

[juliemparker]

Mandy, you're so brave to share your story.

SeaChelle39, I hope that you take heed of the advice on here. I know it's hard but be brave for yours and your children's sakes.
I've experienced dv with my parents. Numerous times my mum left and ended up in a refuge with some or all of us 5 children until she finally threw him out after 25 years of marriage (I was 17). I didn't speak to him again for 33 years.
I then suffered with a partner for about 3 years, but thankfully got out before we had children.
As I said, be strong and I hope that you can do what's right for you and your family. Xx

[SeaChelle39]

I hope so too Juliemparker. I know I need too but I worry for our nearly 5 year old. She loves her daddy so much. I feel bad if i deprived her of him. And don't trust him not to run of with her. What should I do? X

[BeBrilliantToday]

Mandy, much respect for the on-going work and support you are offering, despite the dreadful losses you have borne. Please continue this work, it is so valuable. It has been 16 years now since I managed to escape the biggest bully imaginable. There was no help or support for me and like The Archers' Rob, all our friends and my family thought he was the bee's knees and they just turned their back on me. I know now that it was difficult for them too but your advice in making this story-line so real has brought about some discussions with my mum - thank you so much.
Best wishes

[ParttimeJedi]

Hi Livelylizzie

www.mensadviceline.org.uk/

x

[moomoo1967]

This definitely struck a chord with me, I was with my Ex for nearly 5 years with a now 16 year old daughter. He walked out for another woman on Xmas eve when DD was 2. I count myself lucky even though I suffered from black eyes, broken collar bone, broken ribs, broken fingers, and non consensual sex. He even kicked me when I was pregnant with DD and tried to set fire to the front door when I wouldn't let him in my house. I was isolated from my friends and family, he also used to do things like when I was asleep and had work in the morning, come into the bedroom and turn the light on at hourly intervals. Luckily I still managed to make it to work so managed a little bit of independance. I wasn't going to leave him as it was my house, not his but he would just keep giving me so much grief until I relented. I count myself lucky because it could have been so much worse and he could have killed me. It is lovely to not have to dread a key turning in a lock or wonder what the atmosphere is going to be like, or what is going to set him off. We have been apart now for nearly 14 years and I have a partner of nearly 8 years who is nothing like him. The police wouldn't take out an injunction against him as he hadn't "done anything" to me so I was forever looking over my shoulder. Even now I avoid places he may go to. I have been informed that he went to prison for sexual assault against the woman he left me for, 11 weeks and have also been informed he is not permitted in the town where I live so again I count myself lucky. I admire anyone who speaks out about situations like this and tries to make things better and to anyone still in an abusive relationships physical or otherwise please try and confide in someone, things will get better you can get away and have a life

[caradooley]

Where is Mens Aid? Men suffer domestic abuse too.

I have been following the excellent story in the Archers and I think that radio was the best medium that could have been used to illustrate how domestic abuse plays out and how the manipulation works.

Manipulative people, male and female, are everywhere. People seek to control others around them in order to get what they want, to be selfish in other words.

I would like to see some more subtle examples of domestic abuse being played out on tv/radio such as how a seemingly passive female could easily control her husband by emotional blackmail etc.

When a person writes about extreme domestic abuse such as what was experienced by Mandy it makes me feel that anyone who did not experience such an extreme might not be taken seriously. There are plenty of examples out there right now of less violent, less extreme abuse which still need to be addressed.

Many times a person who is suffering domestic abuse feels that they can only go to police if they have two black eyes. And police who are usually chasing drug dealers and burglars do not seem to me to be the kind of people to deal with such a sensitive matter. Perhaps a domestic abuse victim should in fact go to the local emergency department where there ought to be a counsellor on hand to take details and refer the person on, after all, abuse makes a person ill.

[Ledkr]

As posted earlier "mens aid" is available from "mankind" although clearly an issue for men, the majority of da is towards women and the sheer physical differences mean death or serious injury is far more likely.
2 women a week are killed by a partner or ex partner.

[SimonaObadiaGN]

Dear Mandy

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your story is most inspirational.

I deal with cases like yours every day. As you say, there is help out there for those that need it and it is important for everyone to be aware of and understand what DV is. I have written a few articles on this subject, that you may find useful. Feel free to take a look: www.gnlaw.co.uk/gn_law_media/news/2016/simona_obadia_revisits_the_law_on_domestic_violence

Best Wishes.

[suzymiller]

A short interview with a mum who 'thought she could handle it' - a more 'every day' story of domestic abuse

[CTJ001]

Hello There. . . . anyone at home in Tairua, NZ ? ? Enablers of coercion control. . .

.

Why not ask Tairua police about the woman so desperate to escape her controlling husband she took herself and 3 children to France and placed them in a French school (better quality of course) ? Tairua police as thick as pig shit in fact bullied and threatened and further abused the woman - commissioned by husband - forcing them to return to the patriarchy of NZ well jolly hoorah for sick NZ (more on mumsnet website or direct from me).
.
One sick bastard in Tairua allowed to abuse more than 6 other people. Ha ha NZ must be proud ! !
.

@rnz_news mumsnet website re. sick NZ police sick domestic abuse bastards too good for them

.
Understanding Coercive Control with Professor Evan Stark

.

[Shugamama]

The sad truth is that so few of the perpetrators are prosecuted. As someone who is no longer being hit I know the harsh reality of not being believed that this has happened to me. Thankfully the worst I suffered was a broken leg but I am now fighting to help my children cope as they are unaware of what went on they still love their father. I can see how they are being subjected to mental abuse but am stuck. We need more awareness of this subject and fast!

[danblack87]

I am a survivor too: It is so long ago now but I managed to get away from my first husband. I have told bits to people over time but never the real, full picture as it it so horrific to recount and I did not think anyone would believe me. I wish I had spoken out as he remarried and had a child - I never say him again from the day I 'escaped' and I did not report it ... I was too ashamed. I dread to thing what he did with his second wife, and especially the child, If you can throw a dog down the stairs - top to bottom - and kick the shit out of your wife of four months then I dread to think about that poor woman and child. His anger was just uncontrollable. I heard he died young ... I counted my blessings BUT I DO wish I had spoken out. I just wanted to stay away and not be found ... that is how bad it was. I never sought counselling

[danblack87]

In my older years I know that you can recover from injuries sustained (on my part - some have lasting 'physical' injuries. You can never recover from the mental assault. I rarely think about it now as it is over 30 years ago; this has been brought all back to me to. I have a scar under my bottom lip from where I punched so hard my tooth went through. I have multiple scars on my scalp. After being violently raped, tied to a bed for two days, I was allowed to the toilet. I was violently sick because of the trauma and that resulted in my faced being smashed into the toilet bowl/seat repeated. I had a fractured cheek bone and dislocated cheek bone, both eyes were black, everywhere (and I mean everywhere) hurt so bad. I was not allowed out of the house for two weeks (locked in a room ... that is another story) so I got no medical treatment, little food/water, no clothes on and raped repeatedly the entire time .... THAT stays with you forever.