Guest post: Domestic abuse - "I am a real-life Helen" (Warning: upsetting content)

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Domestic abuse isn't just physical violence; it is mental abuse. It is coercive control that creates an invisible prison for the abused. This is what we have been hearing on The Archers – the slow, insidious mental torture that Rob has been inflicting on Helen. I am a real life Helen.

As a Survivor Ambassador for Women's Aid, I met with Louiza, who plays Helen, to help her understand and convey Helen's experience of coercive control and domestic abuse. I am very proud of the impact it has had. It is vital that domestic abuse is portrayed clearly, in all its ugliness – and The Archers has not shied away from that. It does not matter if people are uncomfortable when they listen to it; they need to understand the painful reality of domestic abuse, and how coercive control can envelop a victim, crushing her spirit.

I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable at the hands of my ex, including horrific physical attacks. My eldest son saw his father take a blow torch to me. I had already been subjected to eight hours of torture: punched, glassed, and knifed. For the next four days I was left to lie in my blood - not allowed to wash or leave the bedroom. Raped when it suited him, even as I was swollen black and blue. I was drifting in and out of consciousness until a policeman appeared on a ladder banging on the window, calling my name.

The mental side of domestic abuse is another dark story. Many have their souls and minds broken – as has happened to Helen – even when the physical wounds have healed. My children gave me strength, and this riled my ex. In the periods when he left us alone throughout the years the house was filled with laughter. We were creative with art and music, expression and freedom.

But he came back, time and time again. We were forced into refuges; we had to change our names. I have buried two sons because of him. One was lost to a violent physical assault when I was pregnant. My eldest son, Daniel, committed suicide. After his father was released early from prison, Daniel screamed at the police, saying we "couldn't keep running to be killed in the end". The fear of his father coming back to find us was too much for Daniel to bear. That is a huge part of coercive control – the terror of what might happen. Coercive control, and the mental anguish, and the terror, took Daniel from me. The pressure of living in a climate of fear was too much for my son. The injustice of it is a spike in my heart.

My mission - my reason for surviving now - is to gather enough people together to stand up for change, to unite our voices. To campaign for strong sentences for perpetrators of domestic abuse. To make people understand that a relationship ending does not mean the abuse is over. To make people see the realities of domestic abuse – that it's not just physical violence. My physical wounds have healed but the mental scarring is permanent. This is undoubtedly what it will be like for Helen, too.

I speak out about my experience for Women's Aid in the hope of saving as many lives as I can. They helped us over the years with advice and support, and providing a safe haven. They were a vital lifeline - hanging by a thread because of huge funding cuts to domestic abuse services, and a lack of value placed on them.

I don't know where I would be now without Women's Aid. That is why I am raising funds for them so that they can continue their lifesaving work with women and children, and why I am asking everyone who has been moved by the storyline to please donate whatever you can to Women’s Aid through my fundraising page.

If I have helped just one woman to think “I am like Helen, and I need help,” when she listened to The Archers, then I am happy. I want all women living with an abusive partner out there to know – you are not alone. Women's Aid will help you. We believe you.

Mandy Thomas is a Survivor Ambassador for Women's Aid and author of You Can't Run, a memoir detailing her experience of domestic abuse.

[Wordsaremything]

What a brave woman you are. I am so sorry to read of the loss of your two children.

Thank you for the work you do for women's aid and for the assistance you have given the scriptwriters for this important awareness raising storyline. Abuse can happen to anyone, anywhere.

You've taken your power back and you are an inspiration!

[SmokyJoJo]

You sound like an incredible woman.
I hope your work helps other DV victims to gather the strength to move forward.

[CMOTDibbler]

Mandy, you are so strong to tell your story to help others, I'm sure working with the Archers must have been really hard.

LivelyLizzie, my friend has had a lot of help and support from Mankind after long term abuse from his wife

[keffie12]

Thank you for sharing your story. I find it difficult to listen or watch domestic abuse stories. I can just about read about them and interact that way. I too am a survivor. We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath. My youngsters were 15, 13, 11 and 4 when we finally left their biological one as they call him. Things got worse before they got better.

I am happily remarried today to a man whom is everything the ex isn't/wan't. The ex is still causing chaos in the world though not in this country Thank God and long may he stay where he is.

We have a story that Hollywood would love but they aren't getting. Equally the same our story would sell in magazines etc. because of the scope of it (spanning generations, the system of this country, including s.s and all their agencies etc.) It would be blood money to sell and I wouldn't do that, to my youngsters or I.

Incidently the youngsters are now all grown, happy and the 2 eldest in good stable relationships. You can break the mould for the next generation.

Like you I use all for the good. Nothing would change if people like us didn't change things by our experiences.

If any one is reading this today, read this and believe. The ex turned on our eldest son when he was 15. That was it then. Gone! No more. Don't wait for that to happen to your child.

But I hear you say, ''he would never do that'' I would have said the same once too. He did. I didn't realise I was damaging my children by staying anyway. Get out now while you can.

I came from the violent childhood that was professional middle class where all that glitters was not gold. I recreated in adult hood. Those silent screams are not always heard or realised for what they are.

Yes my health is done for, for where we have been, physically and emotionally, you can't put something back to the way it was. Though in my case as it was a lifetime of abuse, I wouldn't want my head put back to anytime before. I have no regrets accept I didn't leave sooner and at least we got away in the end.

There is life after: the aftermath doesn't go of the emotional side (and physical can be affected like mine) however you learn to manage it and on the other side there is support and freedom. Find that courage, because the other side of fear (of leaving) is freedom

[bermudiana31]

Thank you for sharing, your story has really moved me. You've made such important points that I entirely agree with. The sentences are too light for perpetrators of domestic violence. I count my blessings I survived my abusive relationship but I get triggered by various things in daily life that take me right back there. Your strength in the face of such horror and loss is inspiring.

[NoPlanYet]

I have no first hand of domestic abuse and mumsnet has been a real eye opener for me in understanding more about it. It's also made me very thankful for the fact I don't have any direct experience, and it's also enabled me to understand friends' situations which are abusive and provide them with support, mostly listening without judgement and not trying to say 'helpful' things like 'you should just pull yourself together and leave' like I might have done before.

As a direct result of your post I have now done something I've been meaning to do for years and set up a direct debit to women's aid.

Thanks for sharing your story and giving me the prompt I needed to get this done.

[kissmelittleass]

I admire you for telling your story and I am so sad for you that you lost your boys. Sometimes it is hard to up and leave when you have no where to go and no money. I presume woman's aid is just in the UK? You are a very brave lady.

[SolsburyHell]

LivelyLizzie. There is an organization called Mankind that help male victims of domestic abuse.

[Thurlow]

Thank you for sharing your story and helping other women. You are an inspiration

[Solo]

Survivor here too although I'd never thought of myself as a survivor before. I was lucky not to have fallen pregnant by him and as much as I wanted a family, I did always think that if he could do that to me, what could he do to a child...
Back in the 80's the police told me that they did not get involved in domestic troubles and I was left with no help or support and ended up in a psychiatric ward for months at the age of 24. I sometimes fantasised about how I might kill him and get away with it it got so bad. I was beaten, raped, kicked out of bed (and stayed on the floor) and mentally abused, deprived of the small and simple pleasures, I couldn't go out anywhere without him, but he wouldn't go to things like my work Christmas dinner's and he'd spoil it for me whether he went or not; he pushed my family and friends away from me so that I had only him in my life as a constant until something in my head flicked on and I told him it was over. He beat me up for my sheer cheek and caused blood clots in one of my arms where I tried to keep him away from my face and head. That was in 1990 and periodically since then, he would affect me somehow - I called it him haunting me - even though he was no longer in my life. He committed suicide a few years ago and it all came flooding back big time. It has affected me for more than 30 years, but I'm still here. I do get flashbacks sometimes, but I'm a lot better on the whole and I don't talk about it, so very few people in my life actually know that I was a 'battered wife' once long ago.

I don't listen to The Archer's and I'm not sure I could have listened to the much talked about episode if I was a follower.

Mandy, I feel for you and your losses.

[Mum2fourmonsters]

I too suffered years of abuse and my ex was sentenced to 4 years . What stays with me always is the self doubt in myself and the decisions I make . Without a doubt Helen the mental abuse is by far the worst . Bruises heal and cuts mend but your mind is a different matter .

[OceanView]

After reading your post I bought your book and read it in a day. You are unbelievably strong, amazingly caring and a beautiful person inside and out.

I felt the sadness through your writing of your two boys Junior and Daniel and I can only hope that one day you let go of the guilt you feel. It is not yours to feel, that lies at your ex's feet.

You have shown and incredible braveness, as have your children to make the decision to live your lives and live them you should.

You are inspring and the injustices you suffered show that even though the system has now changed there is still massive room for improvement. I am lucky that when leaving my ex the police force in my area (Scotland) were leaps and bounds ahead of other forces where DV is concerned.

As you do - enjoy every moment with your children and your husband. You deserve every moment of the happiness you have.

Your comments towards the end of the book about you believing you were given the life you were for higher purposes reminded me a saying I heard once, "Your were given this life because you were strong enough to live it" and lived it you have, survive it you have and try to change the system so others don't have to you are.

You are not brave - you are more than that. You are you, you are strong and you are beautiful.

I truly from the bottom of my heart wish you and your family a life-time of happiness and love.

[bestcatintheworld]

Prompted by your blog, I am now reading your book. I'm halfway through, and I have no words. Nobody should have to endure what you have endured. You are amazing.

[Ledkr]

Did u mean to post on here?

[Floppywillow]

No I did not realise I was on this post.

[nonameqt]

I don't listen to the Archers but I'm aware vaguely of a domestic abuse story line.
I read your story with great sadness. To have domestic abuse inflicted on yourself is traumatic but to lose two children as a result of it is heartbreaking.
I am a victim of domestic abuse- whilst I was never physically abused by my husband at the time, he tried very hard to keep me aprisoner in our house whilst I had two young children to bring up- and threatened me with all sorts ....
My story is lengthy- my children and I were actually abducted- but the mental anguish never goes away. I am in contact with the children's father- for their sakes only- but unfortunately he STILL controls aspects of our lives...it's absolute power he craves.
I will continue to support women- and some men- who are victims of domestic abuse. It will not go away unless we make our voices heard!!

[kimmikim]

There's another side to domestic abuse that is rarely talked about. I experienced it. It was nothing compared to the above story but scary nonetheless. Imagine suddenly seeing your partner in a drunken rage beyond anything you imagined. And in all your naivety thinking that a woman has the physical strength to take the alcohol out of the hand and make the man stop abusing himself! No, that turned into my getting hurt and eventually the police showing up and them immediately focusing on how I should leave him because it will only happen again. And you know what it did . I kept pleading with people to help me because I knew that this wasn't really what it seemed. This was alcohol dependency and depression and he needed help. Help never came - just a label for both of us. To make a long story short, there was no help until he really lost it and tried to commit suicide. Then the help was sometimes cringe-worthy. I submitted myself to therapy and I committed myself to do everything I could to help my partner and to understand what was going on. By the way that was PTSD likely fueled by military service, being financially screwed, losing a parent....the list goes on. The lucky thing is that in the end all is fine. We wish we could erase those dark days. But we're solid. I only wish that I knew how there was some way to separate the truly violent from whatever you call the rest. And the reason is, I think it is so hard to get support for yourself, your partner, your kids...and if your a person in this day in age that loses it and becomes violent you're likely to be labelled and never forgiven, and if you're a women trapped with the wrong man you're not protected enough. And I have to say, given my own situation I fully became aware if my partner's intent was actually to harm me the police and the court system were actually just fuelling the fire.

[ParttimeJedi]

So sorry to hear your experiences of domestic abuse Mandy . I worked in the field of DV support a short while and was constantly humbled by tales of courage and endurance by survivors.

Refuge Helpline: 0808 2000 247.
www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/helpline/

Most areas have an Independent Domestic Violence Advice service and if you are lucky a One Stop Shop (drop in advice) you can contact your local Victim Support,
Refuge or Women Aid or council safety unit to find out who your local service is.

[SeaChelle39]

I have been through dv with my current partner. he has broken my nose and knocked my front tooth out plus lots of other horrors. To be honest I don't know why I'm still with him. I love him but hate him and can never trust him again. Our daughter now nearly five was born with some problems and has had nine ops to date. I don't know if that's what set him off but from memory he was like this while I was pregnant too. Our daughter loves him so much but my other three who aren't his aren't too keen. I've been struggling a lot lately with my feelings for him. I hate how he makes me feel when he's in a mood. I feel so nervous, dicky tummy you name it. He's not done anything for a while now but it's still there for me and my older three ( 21,18, 10) give him his dues he has tried to seek help but there is nothing in our area for anger management. I've no idea what to do re our relationship but I know if I wanted him out he would not go quietly at all. Joint tenancy and fuel him with alcohol he's not scared of anyone including the police etc. Anyway reading this has givin me some sort of awakening moment and I know I need to decide what I want

[Mum2fourmonsters]

SeaChelle. He won't go quietly but after suffering years of the Dickie tummy and treading on eggshells all I can say is help is out there . Your 3 children that aren't his biologically are obviously finding things hard . Could you get a residency order for the home , all the things that are needed to be obtained help is available . Whilst you may love him it's not a healthy relationship . Believe me I know I stayed for years because of our kids until he tried to stab me . I put up with it for years thinking that we were a family , I'd made my bed etc bit there are so many dv agencies out there . Go speak to them and tell them . Don't leave it like I did xx

[SeaChelle39]

I've been on a course and boy did it open my eyes. I had previously been in touch with my housing association and they did say it was very hard to get him off the tenancy. The course I did was through the freedom project. I was in touch with the national centre for domestic violence before I got talked round. Don't get me wrong there are good points to him but I do know deep down that he has zero respect for me. He would never talk to his mother the way he had talked to me or if his daughter was hurt when she was older I know for a fact he wouldn't stand for it. He's never worked since I met him 7 years ago. I kept him but any opportunity he puts me down. I didn't have a hard job ( no physical labour) he's very needy to be manned up if that makes sense? I had a family support worker and twice ss have been involved in ashamed to say. I've since moved to another town and in the two years I've been here I think I've called the police once or twice. But they've just took him away. He's had keys and just come back. I was shocked to see the other week when I went to see my diabetic consultant I still have a marac on my file. My problem is my son who's ten Has adhd and learning difficulties etc who gets a taxi to school they are never on time. I can't be in two places at once taking my youngest to school and picking up/dropping off of them both. I see no way out to be honest. My older two are at uni and college so maybe twice a week can be here for pick up or drop off. I really don't know what to do to be honest. I wasted 16 years with the father of my older three who was prone to dv but was no where near as bad as my partner now. I'm 44 I don't want to waste another 16 years. You only live once. Thank you for your advice :) x

[SeaChelle39]

I can't believe he tried to stab you!! What the hell man!! Why are they like this?!! I know not every man is like this but to me it seems like most are! :(

[Mum2fourmonsters]

People will help with drop offs etc . My experience is that schools want kids there . Of you explain the difficulties they will help they don't tell ss. Please visit your local dv charity and be strong . People are here to support you and help in anyway x

[SeaChelle39]

Thank you Mum2fourmonsters. I don't have anyone who can take my four year old but I can give it ago! Thank you for your help and and advice xx