Guest post: 'Why we need compulsory sex and relationships education'

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Three years ago, Rape Crisis South London was contacted by a form tutor at a local school. She told us that a 13-year-old girl at her school had been sexually assaulted on a school bus by one of the boys in the year above her. A worrying culture of blame had spread - the girl was being called a slag and a liar, she had stopped coming to school and none of the teachers knew what to do.

This incident was the start of Rape Crisis' work preventing sexual abuse in schools across south London. and since then, we have heard some heart-breaking stories from teachers and students. This includes the girl who disclosed, after a session on ‘sexting’, how she was being blackmailed by an older man into sending increasingly sexual explicit pictures of herself. He was threatening to send them to her parents unless she escalated what she was doing in the pictures. She was terrified, but didn't know how to get out of it. In another session, a group of 14-year-old boys said that they had sex with ‘wrong un's’ – girls they think are unattractive – to gain points with the boys, making sure they got a picture to prove it happened. Even a primary school told us how two seven-year-old boys had digitally penetrated a young girl in one of the toilets. Pornography repeatedly comes up as an issue, with boys saying they feel public pressure to use and like it, but privately feel really uncomfortable with the sexism and racism they see threaded through it.

Sadly, these are not isolated incidents. For many girls and young women, abuse and harassment by boyfriends, friends, male family members and men on the street are part of their daily experience. Thousands of young people have shared their experiences of harassment and assault on the Everyday Sexism Project website, including many who experience ‘groping’ and harassment on a regular basis at school or on their way to school. A 2010 YouGov survey for the End Violence Against Women Coalition revealed that almost one in three 16-18 year old girls have experienced unwanted sexual touching at school, and that sexual name calling such as ‘slut’ or ‘slag’ is routine. More recently, a Freedom of Information Request made by the Independent revealed that nearly 3,000 alleged sexual offences in schools, including 320 rapes, were recorded by police between 2011 and 2013. Over half were committed by other children.

Ongoing scandals like the recent revelations in Rotherham reveal a desperate need to address attitudes towards women and girls, and the normalisation of abuse. We must alter the culture in which young people are bombarded with messages that women are sex objects and men are sexual aggressors, from ‘Blurred Lines’ to online pornography to Page 3. This is the context in which 85,000 women are raped in England and Wales every year and 400,000 sexually assaulted.

Three years on from that first call from a school seeking help, Rape Crisis South London now deliver a six week programme to schools across the area on sexual violence, consent and respect, pornography, gender stereotyping and the age-old sexual double standard, where boys are applauded for being sexual whereas girls are ridiculed. We know that this needs to be part of a ‘whole school approach’ to tackling all forms of violence against women and girls, too, so we also train teachers to give them support in their difficult work - as well as holding parent workshops where we talk to parents about the particularly gendered pressures around sex and sexual performance that face young women and men today.

Whilst these workshops are a huge success, both teachers and children tell us that doing this work after someone has been hurt is too late; that society's squeamishness around talking to young people about sex, and challenging sexist attitudes and behaviours, is having devastating consequences.

The absence of compulsory sex and relationships education that tackles sexual consent, gender stereotyping and the harms of pornography is letting young people down. That’s why the Everyday Sexism Project and the End Violence Against Women Coalition - supported by Mumsnet, Yvette Cooper MP, Jo Swinson MP, Caroline Lucas MP, and many others - have launched a campaign calling on David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and all party leaders to commit to making sex and relationships compulsory as part of PSHE. This must include ongoing training for teachers, and support for children who disclose that they are being abused or worry that their own behaviour may be abusive.

A couple of years ago, a Mumsnet survey showed that 92% of members think Sex and Relationships Education should be a compulsory subject in secondary schools. Mumsnetters know that this is too important to leave to chance. Let's tell David Cameron and co, too.

My mantra with my children was "For every right there is a responsibility". For us as parents, we have exerted our right to have children and we have a responsibility to teach them values, morals and standards. For our children and teenagers, they need to learn that if they have relationships this involves respect, safety and kindness to themselves and others.

I tend to agree with those who say there is too much emphasis put on teaching children about contraception, STDs, etc without them learning about love and relationships. When my DCs were at school that was certainly the case.

Buffy

I won't be talking to my dd about porn for a while yet, and she will gain the same education as they will in school, but I will decide at what time she is taught these things.
For children who are allowed unsupervised internet access I'm sure they will need to be told a lot more at a young age.
Those parents allowing social media from the beginning of secondary school will need to be informed about the horrors soon as well.
I'm just preferring to leave it until she is ready and it is necessary to her everyday life.
Until then I would like her to keep some innocence and enjoy her childhood. it is such a shame that society has allowed this to happen to our children, either through parents not socialising their children correctly or encouraging much of the behaviour we don't accept through succumbing to peer pressure.
I feel its a pity that some children will miss out on a childhood and have to cope with situations that were confined to adults previously.

I have signed the petition.

Buffy

My dd doesn't go to school and doesn't have unsupervised access to the internet and won't do until she is much older, obviously I will educate her on these things when she is ready.
I am not against schools teaching this per se but would not be confident that their idea of age appropriate would be the same as mine.
I understand that some parents wouldn't do this themselves so schools should be used to educate them.
I can't think of a situation where our dd will come into contact with dc who will educate her well before she is ready.
I suppose we are lucky that we can keep her a child until she is ready to be told about the horrors.
Its the rape, physical abuse, violent porn etc that children really don't need to know about. Unless as I suggested you are the type of parents who encourage this through allowing unsupervised internet access, and friendships where this is likely.

Buffy

To answer your question, dd wants to go to school at either y8 or y9 but hasn't decided yet. I think its interesting what her friends will be taught though, even though she doesn't attend atm.
Our older two went through school and had the usual sex ed though, but thankfully it wasn't as bad as the proposed lessons that will include violence and porn. Although, with ds 1 and 2 it was a lot easier, none of their friends had internet access on phones so much of todays problems weren't applicable.
No it wasn't really a dig, but I do think that if you don't allow internet access and social media you lower the risks of at least them watching violent porn.

But you really don't More than.

I know, from reading your other posts on other threads, that you are a good and committed parent, who is doing all she can to educate your DD in a way that she can deal with, and that's brilliant.

However.

Pretty much every single other child your DD will come into contact with at school when she comes to go back will have access to social media and the internet. They will, if the research is correct have first been exposed to violent imagery/ hard core pornography from around the age of 8. (I know, shocking, isn't it?).

I completely understand that you don't want your DD exposed to that, and I really can't see anyone suggesting that children be shown porn in the classroom, however, I wonder how your DD is going to be prepared for the kinds of language, idioms and norms there now are in the playground unless she learns from someone who cares about it now? I understand that you want to allow her to be a child for as long as possible, but I wonder how that will fit when she reenters MS education?

I HSed my DS2 for a while as well. We spent some of that time looking at SRE. And we discussed some of the things that he had been exposed to already at his previous school. He left in year 5. His school had been in a naice area and was graded outstanding. Even naice children are exposed to porn, sadly.

I think you definately do 'lower the risks' but unfortunately cannot remove them. My kids are 8,9 and 11. We do not have T.V but they can use the internet to watch stuff.This means they have to think about what to watch rather than just sit there and watch whatever rubbish might be on. My 11 year old talks to me about alot of stuff and asks lots of questions.She has a friend from a fairly dysfunctional family who has talked to her about rape and all sorts (not of the child, but childs mum has talked to her about being date raped!) but she will always ask me about it. My kids were withdrawn from primary sex ed as I wanted them to learn about it all within a moral context and I think the Channel 4 material we use is too much too soon and amoral.I understand most parents accept this but if you have a strong(in my case Christian) value system, you want your child to learn this stuff within that context. Where are 8 year olds seeing this stuff? Mine go to school and come home.They are not allowed phones at primary school. I know the families where they play after school and know they are not given unsupervised access to the internet so I really do not understand where they might see porn. Am I being really naive? It is all SO depressing. How did our world get into such a sorry state?
I am not planning to remove my daughter from secondary school PHSE but it does break my heart the topics she will have to cover and I will certainly discuss them all with her before and after. My primary aged kids have had their sex ed and prep for puberty from their mum and dad.

Just to clarify previous posts, I agree that all schools should have PHSE but would not be happy if the parental right to with draw their child is removed.I am not clear what the petition is asking for.

I agree Buffy which is why I said 'In my case'.

surely though you can teach your own child about boundaries, expectations, healthy relationships etc as much as you want, which is obviously great, but that won't make much difference if few other children are receiving the same messages from their parents. if you're teaching your daughter that she is entitled to bodily integrity, no one is allowed to touch her if she doesn't want to, then that's as it should be. but what if a high percentage of boys out there are being taught that they are entitled to women's bodies whenever and however they want? because that is what society is teaching them if they don't get any messages that counteract that, and you can't guarantee that all parents will be as clued up or even interested in this stuff

i feel like you need a kind of "herd immunity" level of SRE teaching

Petulagordino I completely agree which is why I think it should be compulsory for schools to provide the lessons but ok for parents to withdraw their kids. Believe me, the less engaged parents are not going to bother writing to the head requesting their child be removed from the lesson so the children who need to receive that message will get it regardless. I acknowledge that will leave a small group whose parents withdraw them AND tell them nothing in it's place but I don't think there would be many like that.

I worry that it would be some of the children who most need it withdrawn unfortunately, vd.

Abusers who know their rights can, have and do remove their children from situations where they might be able to ask for help or be educated that what is happening to them is wrong.

I think it is terribly important - crucially vitally important - that ALL children are taught about the value of their bodies from an early age.

The first thing should be something along the lines of the NSPCC's 'Pants' campaign - so body awareness and the message that you body belongs to you and that random people are not allowed to touch and that even GP's / parents etc should only touch in a respectful appropriate way.
This will empower children to be able to say NO and to tell if in bad situations and teach them early on that their body is a thing of value and should be treated with respect.

Following on, some information about how your body changes as you go through puberty. ALL children have a right to this info.
Yes, children around the age of puberty need to know the mechanics of reproduction but it is much more important that they know about RELATIONSHIPS and respect and caring for each other.

I went to a really rubbish secondary where 'sex ed' was drilled into us endlessly. Even Physics became 'Physex' for a term and we had to do the obligatory condom and banana rubbish. Didn't stop the first girl getting pg at 13 in my year, and again at 14 and 15. Or the 15 year old who had twins. Or the others, having kids at 15 and 16.

If we had been taught a bit about respect for our own bodies (and any of the adults had had any ambition for us, instead of just treating all of us like a bunch of feral rabbits) then it would have been more successful, I think.

Petuala -

that is also what I wanted to say, but you say it so much more coherently than I ever could I think!

YES to ALL children being taught about 'Body Integrity'.

Holland is often held up as an example of good sex education = less teen pregnancies etc. However whenever you see this mentioned there is no discussion of confounding factors such as culture. I am a Christian and hold a view that sex should be reserved and take place within the sanctity of marriage. I am not naive about this but I do think it is the 'ideal'. However, current culture condemns this view. Sex is considered merely a fun past-time. Everyone here agrees that teens should have ownership of their own bodies, understand the meaning of consent etc. But after that I suspect most see nothing wrong in having many sexual partners, trying out three-somes, having the odd one-night stand, watching porn (as long as you don't think it is real) at 16+. I am uncomfortable about sex ed being made compulsory because it may present as right and desirable things I think of as wrong. I am happy for my children to learn about reproduction but not this permissive culture.

bilberry i think the fact is that your children are going to learn about sex in this "permissive" culture whether you like it or not. so you can counter it with the messages you give them at home and possibly at church, but they are still going to be learning about the "permissive" stuff that you object to. so from that POV there would be just two options - sex within the sanctity of marriage, and sex as a fun pastime where all risks (especially to women) are ignored and if you say "no" you're a prude and frigid.

at least with the kind of SRE that is being discussed here there might be a third option - sex as a fun pastime where consent is paramount and risks are minimised and a healthy relationship (doesn't have to mean coupledom) is promoted. i know this doesn't fit in with your religious and cultural views, but surely it's a healthier overall situation than the either/or options above?

Bilberry...I agree with that totally. There was a similar thread recently where someone said something like 'I would prefer my child knew about the morning after pill and abortion than need to learn about changing nappies' I personally found that statement heartbreaking. I would prefer my child understood that having sex can result in a baby (even with contraception) and if you are not in a position to cope with a baby then DO NOT HAVE SEX. That message is not given clearly and some young women are having multiple abortions,getting std's and becoming infertile as a result because sex is seen as a recreational pasttime and not as something precious. I realise it is now a minority view but can you see why it is hard for some of us to think of our 12 year olds being shown how to put on a condom.

Misquote in my above comment...should read '
'Teaching a thirteen year old how to put on a condom is far better than having to teach them how to change a nappy.' and that was from earlier in this thread.

"some young women are having multiple abortions"

Really very few.