Guest post: 'Why we need compulsory sex and relationships education'

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Three years ago, Rape Crisis South London was contacted by a form tutor at a local school. She told us that a 13-year-old girl at her school had been sexually assaulted on a school bus by one of the boys in the year above her. A worrying culture of blame had spread - the girl was being called a slag and a liar, she had stopped coming to school and none of the teachers knew what to do.

This incident was the start of Rape Crisis' work preventing sexual abuse in schools across south London. and since then, we have heard some heart-breaking stories from teachers and students. This includes the girl who disclosed, after a session on ‘sexting’, how she was being blackmailed by an older man into sending increasingly sexual explicit pictures of herself. He was threatening to send them to her parents unless she escalated what she was doing in the pictures. She was terrified, but didn't know how to get out of it. In another session, a group of 14-year-old boys said that they had sex with ‘wrong un's’ – girls they think are unattractive – to gain points with the boys, making sure they got a picture to prove it happened. Even a primary school told us how two seven-year-old boys had digitally penetrated a young girl in one of the toilets. Pornography repeatedly comes up as an issue, with boys saying they feel public pressure to use and like it, but privately feel really uncomfortable with the sexism and racism they see threaded through it.

Sadly, these are not isolated incidents. For many girls and young women, abuse and harassment by boyfriends, friends, male family members and men on the street are part of their daily experience. Thousands of young people have shared their experiences of harassment and assault on the Everyday Sexism Project website, including many who experience ‘groping’ and harassment on a regular basis at school or on their way to school. A 2010 YouGov survey for the End Violence Against Women Coalition revealed that almost one in three 16-18 year old girls have experienced unwanted sexual touching at school, and that sexual name calling such as ‘slut’ or ‘slag’ is routine. More recently, a Freedom of Information Request made by the Independent revealed that nearly 3,000 alleged sexual offences in schools, including 320 rapes, were recorded by police between 2011 and 2013. Over half were committed by other children.

Ongoing scandals like the recent revelations in Rotherham reveal a desperate need to address attitudes towards women and girls, and the normalisation of abuse. We must alter the culture in which young people are bombarded with messages that women are sex objects and men are sexual aggressors, from ‘Blurred Lines’ to online pornography to Page 3. This is the context in which 85,000 women are raped in England and Wales every year and 400,000 sexually assaulted.

Three years on from that first call from a school seeking help, Rape Crisis South London now deliver a six week programme to schools across the area on sexual violence, consent and respect, pornography, gender stereotyping and the age-old sexual double standard, where boys are applauded for being sexual whereas girls are ridiculed. We know that this needs to be part of a ‘whole school approach’ to tackling all forms of violence against women and girls, too, so we also train teachers to give them support in their difficult work - as well as holding parent workshops where we talk to parents about the particularly gendered pressures around sex and sexual performance that face young women and men today.

Whilst these workshops are a huge success, both teachers and children tell us that doing this work after someone has been hurt is too late; that society's squeamishness around talking to young people about sex, and challenging sexist attitudes and behaviours, is having devastating consequences.

The absence of compulsory sex and relationships education that tackles sexual consent, gender stereotyping and the harms of pornography is letting young people down. That’s why the Everyday Sexism Project and the End Violence Against Women Coalition - supported by Mumsnet, Yvette Cooper MP, Jo Swinson MP, Caroline Lucas MP, and many others - have launched a campaign calling on David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and all party leaders to commit to making sex and relationships compulsory as part of PSHE. This must include ongoing training for teachers, and support for children who disclose that they are being abused or worry that their own behaviour may be abusive.

A couple of years ago, a Mumsnet survey showed that 92% of members think Sex and Relationships Education should be a compulsory subject in secondary schools. Mumsnetters know that this is too important to leave to chance. Let's tell David Cameron and co, too.

[vdbfamily]

re Chastity movement,I don't know too much about it but I do know that amongst my friends and family it was unusual for anyone unmarried to be sexually active. Myself and my 3 brothers were all virgins when we married and we all married virgins. Why is it psychologically damaging to only ever make love to the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.It is a wonderful thing to do all that learning with someone who has committed to be with you forever.Neither of you are making comparisons with other lovers.I don't know any friends who married as virgins who then discovered they were sexually incompatible.You fancy each other, you find a way of pleasuring each other...hardly rocket science. I know that having friends and family around who considered that to be the norm,helped me through the years of celibacy(I was 33 when I married) and if the Chasticy movement gives those kids a peer group who are happy to go against the flow then that bit of it is a good thing. I actually think that teenage sex would potentially be more damaging psychologically in the long run.IMO

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

Ah, wrote a long post and it got deleted. Just to be clear I have not said that saving yourself for marriage leaves to emotional damage, not at all.

I think the rest of my explanation probably is better said by people who have actually been made to make purity pledges etc: www.recoveringgrace.org/tag/emotional-purity/
Most of the contributors to this site are still passionate and active Christians.

[PetulaGordino]

Nothing wrong with not having sex until you're married if that's what you want. My concern is for those who feel guilty about having enjoyable and enthusiastically consensual sex before marriage

[PetulaGordino]

Yes sorry that too

[morethanpotatoprints]

Considering that some parents object to children being told about some things too soon is the reason this can't be compulsory.
I don't see how they can take a parents choice away tbh.
yes, I can see that not everybody will inform their children and that there is a place in school for such children.
But for those who don't encourage their children to have under age sex and take steps to make sure they are supervised on the internet, not given a phone with internet access and are brought up properly with morals, unconditional love and a happy home it is unfair their parents wishes may be over looked.

[YonicScrewdriver]

"But for those who don't encourage their children to have under age sex and take steps to make sure they are supervised on the internet, not given a phone with internet access and are brought up properly with morals, unconditional love and a happy home it is unfair their parents wishes may be over looked."

Morethan, if this is true for a given child, why would some lessons about "if you do have sex outside a long term relationship, here's how to do it safely; if you do come across things on the internet, here's how to handle it" etc change that child's behaviour? Because sooner or later that child will encounter a friend with a smartphone or what have you.

[mausmaus]

can you really withdraw from sre?
that's not right imo, it should be as compulsory as maths.

and speaking of maths, children don't actually 'need' it during chikdhood but it lays the foundation for financial knowledge/behaviour and many jobs that require math/calculations. same for sex ex.

[nooka]

Some incredibly judgmental attitudes on here! Morethan are you aware that your post comes across as if you think that those of us who think that good SRE is very very important are somehow bringing our children up to be immoral, to have sex at the earliest opportunity, and are probably neglected and unloved?

I have two teens and I talk to them lots about relationships and also about sex. Both had really good SRE at school, taught by a specialist who really knew what they were doing, challenged all sorts of preconceptions and covered sexual bullying and homophobia as well as respect and healthy relationships. Neither learned anything they didn't already know, but learning and talking with their peers was very important, generated lots of discussion and I think valuable learning. Neither are sexually active, in fact dd recently ended her first relationship because she thought her new girlfriend wanted more than she was prepared to offer and she wanted up be front about saying that on reflection she was too young. I was very proud that she knew her own mind and was able to express herself about something that is really quite difficult.

Oh and my parents were very keen that me and my siblings didn't have sex before marriage, but the messages they gave out about their own experiences of that were very much not positive. As it happens I've only had the one sexual partner, but I am very glad that my first sexual experience didn't come with the pressure of being on my wedding night. It's not something I would advocate to my children.

[PetulaGordino]

I wonder whether for some children the part of SRE they might find most difficult is not the sex stuff, but discovering that the relationships within their own family may be unhealthy in terms of lack of mutual respect, consideration and love

[PetulaGordino]

rereading that sounded like a pointed remark at people here, which it absolutely is not

what i meant was, for some children the confusing and possibly distressing part that they have to work through is not so much the sex part of SRE, but the relationships part

[vdbfamily]

I absolutely agree that the emphasis should be on relationship. I have only recently discovered MN because I am off work with a broken leg that is not healing as it should be. Frankly I have been absolutely horrified by the relationships people are in. Shouting,swearing,name calling,abuse of all kinds,unfaithfulness,tit for tat nastiness etc. I know there are so many reasons for this and I know self esteem/self confidence has a lot to do with it but I also feel that this countries obsession with sex is partly to blame. Everywhere you look,tv,magazines,billboards,books ..... all using sex to get peoples attention. Teenagers are made to feel abnormal if they are virgins and then girls get pregnant and tied into an unhealthy relationship with some disrespectful man but they feel that it is better than nothing because nothing could be worse than being on your own. How have we reached this place. I want my kids to know that life is about caring for those around you, being aware of those less fortunate,forgiving the spiteful school friend and trying to be a good friend to them,being honest etc. I want them to understand that although their sexuality is an important part of them it really is not the be all and end all of life. I absolutely feel that there should be good SRE in schools,especially secondary, but I personally feel if the emphasis was on relationships and abstinence until adulthood we would at least be giving a positive message.I have said it before but it shocks me how many parents just accept their kids will be sexually active at secondary school rather than believe they might not be. This in itself puts pressure on those poor kids.

[PetulaGordino]

i totally agree with you vbd apart from your emphasis on abstinence, which from my POV seems to be for abstinence's sake alone and therefore risks being tied up with some damaging messages. but i don't think we're ever going to agree on that point

[YonicScrewdriver]

What Buffy said.

[PacificDogwood]

vbd, I too despair at the increasing sexualisation and 'pornification' of society, so I agree with many of the concerns you have. It is frightening to raise children in this kind of an environment.
I happen to not have a religious bone in my body (sorry!) and agree that abstinence is/should be a valid choice and I also agree that that message is often missed. I simply have no religious motivation for that stance and I do agree with what Buffy said above.

Otoh, I remember being a 15 year old girl more than 30 years ago ( when did that happen?) at somebody's birthday party, completely despairing because I had not been kissed 'properly' yet. I was entirely convinces I was 'on the shelf' and all hope was lost for me…. With the benefit of hindsight, I know it was all teenaged hysteria and peer-pressure, but at the time it was painful and very real.
I am not sure what I am trying to say here; maybe just that no matter what the values are growing up, I think we delude ourselves when we think that after a certain age our children are guided more by what we teach them, rather than their peer.
And IMO they need to be equipped for that. We may disagree in how to equip them, but we clearly are having very similar conversation with them.
As long as an element of personal choice remains and an unconditional love (the withdrawal of which is never used as a tool to throated or intimidate) for the child is in place, then I am sure all sorts of moral/religious/ethical models can work.

I hope you enjoy MN - I know I do . I hope your poor leg heals eventually but you know that by then you will be totally sucked in to the place

[vdbfamily]

Thanks for MN welcome. It is very addictive! Not sure how I will fit it all in when back to work but sure I will find a way.Got at least another 6 weeks non weight bearing on right leg so PLENTY of time on my hands at the moment. This thread has been really interesting.

[Zara16]

adding to the sex ed part, I don't think boys and girls should be separated off and then only taught about their own gender. not only does it leave them relatively clueless about the opposite sex, it creates a stigma for them to talk about the other genders relative topics. i.e. boys never learn about periods, so it's one of the most humiliating things when a boy finds out you're on because they don't understand and they see it as something that's taboo and shouldn't be talked about and so they're able to ridicule her. just from my experience anyway and I've only just left school so I've experienced pretty much the same sex ed they're teaching now

[jenny5845]

Hi
i am conducting a survey for my university dissertation. It is about mothers views and understanding of sex and relationship education in primary schools. It would be great if you could complete my survey which should take no more than 10 minutes. Thank you. The link below will take you to the survey.

www.surveymonkey.com/s/VXW7SYH