Grown Up Daughter Not Accepting I am Older

[Buzyizzy217]

All my life my daughter has never made any allowances for any time I’ve been incapacitated.
She lives 3 hrs from me and wants to meet up at a theme park 2 hrs from me to meet her children.
I generally don’t drive much further than 10 miles from home to work etc now, no confidence issues, I just get very tired. I am disabled and fairly deaf, as well as other issues.
When I explained I can not afford said park and it’s too long a day for me, she’s come back with “I don’t want to meet my grandchildren”.
I have suggested she come to me, two drivers after all, but she says it’s too far for the children. So they could stay over locally, I live in a lovely town.
So where do we go from here? I’m at a loss. 🤷‍♀️

Meet in the middle at a normal park? If her children are young I wouldn't be keen on a three hour trip either. How are your train options?

Sounds like you both aren’t making allowances!

Yes it’s far for you AND the kids. So meet in the middle at a park, soft play or even a restaurant or coffee shop to talk

Children are a lot more resilient, we have often drove 200miles+ (400miles+ round trip!) since my youngest was tiny to go see her older siblings at university. Plenty of breaks en-route roughly every 90-120 minutes. I would never expect older family members to do that much driving. Unfortunately if they are not willing to see this there isn't much you can do, you could offer to meet half way if you feel upto that.

I assume there is a backstory here. Have you never met your grandchildren? What age are they?

I think we’re missing context here. Plus, it’s not as easy as you make it sound to travel with children. Not only can the journey be hard, but staying elsewhere can be difficult if your child is already a bad sleeper. I think you both need to meet in the middle - meet somewhere where the children are entertained and is equal distance from both of you.

I think you're both making excuses, which tells me that neither of you are that bothered about seeing each other. If you were you'd make it happen.

Yeah, neither of you sound like you can be bothered but given your health issues etc, she should make more of an effort. 3 hours is so doable with kids. Mine used to do 6hrs to travel back home to see family! If she really wanted to she would!

Are you able to get a train to them and stay with them for a few days? I understand you not wanting to drive (nervous driver myself) but it is tough travelling with children so we always find it better if people come to us. Might make a nice little break for you and allow for a bit more quality time together?

Both my children living at home have disabilities, including one being an ambulant wheelchair user. The youngest was an awful sleeper when she was younger. We have stayed overnight but also done a round trip in a day where the kids have slept in the car.

We've also drove from West Yorkshire to Disneyland Paris twice. Travelling long distances with young children does need a lot of planning but 100% doable.

This post is giving me red flag hives!

Not sure where you mean or how far you’re thinking I’m driving here. I have massive hearing issues which she’s aware of, outdoors I struggle even more. Currently waiting on an ENT appointment which has just been put back 6 weeks.

I have done the trip to them and stayed in the local Travelodge. I’m not a nervous driver at all, I now get extremely tired driving and there’s no way I could do the trip again. I was desperately trying to concentrate the last 100 miles and it would be foolhardy to attempt it again.

Have I missed how old the kids are?
i know it’s different for everyone but if I hadn’t put mine in the car, I wouldn’t have seen my mum. 5-7 hr journey.
from tiny baby upwards.
I found the toughest age was 11ish
no way my mum could have driven all that way. It made far more sense fir me to do it

I have a debilitating condition which makes keeping my concentration levels high for driving longer distances a big no no. I am also almost deaf, which isn’t easy with a Sat Nav I can’t hear very well and is an added distraction. I am not 21, or even 61. It would be incredibly stupid for me to attempt the journey. The last time someone was flip about how tired I get and driving, I had an accident which was totally avoidable and scared the #%^# out of me. So no, not making excuses, I did the journey to hers, stayed at a nearby rubbish hotel and struggled to stay awake and concentrating on the way home. Doing the M25 in the rush hour with eyes that just want to close is no joke. You want to have my body and brain for a week? I’ll swap you!

you should have thought ahead about this when having children late in life.

Should you actually still have a driving licence? Doesn't sound like it.

I would love to hear your daughter's side of the story, there will be reasons why you haven't had contact with her children I assume, and is it a simple thing for her to travel all the way to yours?

I am not yet a grandmother but know I would overcome any and all barriers to see my grandchildren. If I was too tired to drive, public transport is a thing. I would not expect them to travel to withing10 miles of my home just because I was older. My mum is 79 and will do anything for her grandchildren.

You sound resentful, from the distance, to the theme park cost, to the quality of the hotel you (presumably booked by you) stayed in last time you visited. Do you really want to see the family, because it doesn't sound like it.

What a totally ridiculous comment.

So when the OP decided to have children she should have thought about how she might get a condition when older which might impact visit GC whose parents have chosen to live a distance away?

That's some planning ahead!

Could you perhaps book a hotel along the journey so you don’t have to do the whole thing in one go? Or like others have said, use public transport?

I really hope you don’t use the line about spending a day in your body on your daughter. Do you not remember what it was like to have young children?

Your daughter will be in the thick of it, trying to spin many plates and being guilted by her mother will only make things worse. You’ll just become something extra weighing on her rather than supporting her when she needs you most.

You do seem to just not like visiting them, the way you describe the Travelodge for example.

I suppose you just have to decide what’s more important to you. Going on the train or staying along the journey to somewhere her kids will have fun, add to her load by making yourself a victim and refusing to understand why travelling to you might be difficult, or just forget about seeing her until the kids are older and travelling is more feasible for them.

Op I think to be honest both sides have to make more of an effort whether that be public transport on your side or possibly meeting at a more convenient location or your daughter staying overnight. Have you explained to her the reason you cant drive that far?

I live in a different part of the UK to my family which requires either a ferry or a flight to get back. In the 9 months since my daughter was born, my mum who has serious mobility issues has visited 4 times including twice on her own with airport assistance and I have been back with my daughter and husband twice including when she was just 3 months old.

So no trains or buses to meet half way?

I’ll be honest, if I was your daughter and read this I’d just tell you not to even bother coming. All I’m hearing here is whinge whinge whinge whinge, poor me, “I’m not making excuses” yet all you’ve done is make excuses. You’re gonna spend the whole time with your daughter and grandkids whinging and complaining about how tired you are and how deaf you are anyway so probably best not to ruin the theme park for them.
Muliple people have suggested getting the train or even a bus, you can sleep soundly on either, but then again, you’d have nothing to complain about or have to come up with another excuse as to why you can’t do that either!!!
What age are the kids? It’s definitely doable, exhausting and stressful doing long car journeys with kids but it’s doable. If I was to choose a 6 hour return car journey with my kids or swapping for your body and brain for a week, give me your body and brain for a week any day 😂

Wow, these responses are pretty nasty OP. In your shoes I wouldn't be able to drive 2hr, spend the day at a theme park with kids, drive back. All you can do is stress that you would love nothing more than to see them but please can you come up with a mutually agreeable plan. A younger relative of mine suggests lovely things that would just be too much for me, but doesn't really realise because it's nothing for him, so I totally get it. Definitely work it out, don't miss out on seeing your family.

I think it’s a sad situation where you probably have to accept you aren’t going to be seeing much of eachother. You’re completely right for not wanting to drive or do the theme park and your daughter should be understanding. My little boy is terrible in the car, he just cries and I find it so distracting that I don’t like doing long journeys with him, so I can see why your daughter doesn’t want to do the drive as well.

ive already been to hers and it damn nearly killed me. Make more of an effort? How? I’ve told her a million times over the latter years that I can’t do everything anymore. I lived miles from my parents, not my decision, and I never expected them to make the journey. I live very frugally in a rented one bed house, I’m totally unemployable as are most disabled, so I rely on a meagre income from being a self employed worker.
there certainly don’t seem to be any people on here who live in the real world and realise just how poor some of us are.
As one person said, if she really wanted me to meet her family, she’d make the effort.
I’ve also explained to her my financial situation, which went ignored, possibly not even read, as she then suggested the long drive and the theme park. I don’t seem to be able to get thru to her exactly what my life is and that I am doing the best I can with the restrictions now placed on me. Those that know me in real life understand me exactly.

😭😭 thank you.