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Gransnet

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Original poster

Not being "invited" up to the hospital to visit newborn

69 replies

yummybump · 15/05/2011 14:10

Is it a right to be invited as grandparents up to the hospital after baby has arrived? Would you be bothered if you were asked not to? Opinions...

OP posts:

seeker · 15/05/2011 14:12

Not a right. But if I were a grandparent I would be upset if I was specifically asked not to. I do think grandparents have more rights than other members of the family - apart from the baby's father, obviously!

BooyHoo · 15/05/2011 14:13

of course it isn't a right. how ridiculous.

i think it is entirely up to the new parents who they have at the hospital, if they even have anyone. some new parents prefer to have a few days alone with their new baby and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2011 14:13

Of course it's not a right.

I wouldn't bother unless I were invited. Way I see it, it's her (if it's one of my daughters) or his (if it's my son) child, not mine.

Having given birth myself, I really didn't want anyone there but DH until we came home.

I'm perfectly happy with whatever they decide. If they don't want me there at all but, in the case of my son, want her parents there, I wouldn't take it personally.

I'm not going anywhere, they know where to find me. I'll tell them to let me know when they're ready for me to come round.

Hullygully · 15/05/2011 14:23

It's jolly meany not to invite family to see the newest member, unless they are poisonous psychopaths.

ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 14:26

This is the first Gransnet thread I've seen

I think it should be discussed when it's a good time to come, but I think the parents should expect that the grandparents are going to want to come and see the baby and be reasonably accommodating - I also think the GP's should know when to take their leave :)

Collegemum38 · 15/05/2011 14:30

Not a right!!!

Whether new mum wants anyone at the hospital is upto her and not something she can fully decide until she has given birth - No one knows before hand what kind of birth that will be. Ifs its been traumatic then she may well want no one other than her DH or perhaps her own mum/sister.

It also depends on relationship with the new mum/dad. My MIL treated me like something she had trodden in until DD was 7yo. She was not wanted at the hospital at any point because of this. That said they lived 400 miles away so it was never an issue.

thenightsky · 15/05/2011 14:30

Wasn't aware you needed an invite. When I was in loads of people turned up to see me - relatives, friends, work colleagues. Visiting people in hospital doesn't require an invite... what an odd thought.

meditrina · 15/05/2011 14:30

It's not a right.

Whether you have visitors at all would depend on how long the mother and the baby were expected to stay in, and whether there were any medical concerns.

I can easily understand why someone might want just their own mother, especially if they are feeling wobbly or in pain.

But if there is the opportunity/inclination for visitors to the hospital, then I'd expect all grandparents to be high up on the list.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 15/05/2011 14:30

I wouldn't invite my mum. We (dh and I) have waited so long for our little arrival that we would like our on little bubble of bliss for as long as possible untill the madness of visits happen at home. It mose certainly isn't a right, and if my mum started spouting about rights it would be even longer before I trusted her with my child

BooyHoo · 15/05/2011 14:33

i never visit anyone in hospital without first texting/ringing and asking if they are up to it.

missmyoldname · 15/05/2011 14:37

It's not about whether its a right or not (although its not!) its about communicating with the baby's parents. ESPECIALLY if they are first time parents.

Personally in hindsight I think its better to have visitors in hospital than when you've just got home (less hassle). However, if I hadn't wanted visitors for whatever reason, then I would have been pretty pissed off if my parents or ILs had got in a strop about it.

Hullygully · 15/05/2011 16:12

I think all this being on a babymoon stuff is new hat. I couldn't wait for my family to come and meet the babies, especially as they smuggled champers in.

greenlime · 15/05/2011 16:21

I found it unpleasant being in hospital for a multitude of reasons. Happy to have DH there. Also wanted my mum to visit because she assisted me in having a shower (had side effects, legs not working well after epi!). She saw me naked, held me up etc. I would not have wanted my MIL (who I get on well with) to perform this function because I would have felt humiliated. Bascially in hospital, it was difficult etc and I didn't want any visitors at all - only DH and mum because they could help me with stuff whilst I felt really undignified. Boobs out breastfeeding.

So...I would not feel put out at anyone (even my DD) not wanting me to come to the hospital. I would put the question to the new parents (pref the father): would you like me to visit the hospital and bring you anything or would you prefer if I waited til you were home?

PrettyCandles · 15/05/2011 16:24

I had to work equally hard to keep my parents from coming to the hospital before dc1 was born, as I then had to get the ILs to come and meet him at the hospital as soon as he was born. Dc1 was the first gc for both sets of gps.

Dh and I wanted to share the joy with family, but we also wanted some privacy. Dc1 was born on a Saturday, and we decided to encourage visitors that weekend and then discourage them for the following week. We emerged from our bubble on the Fruday evening, and re-entered society. It had been the most wonderful 5 days, like falling in love all over again.

If people had wanted to give us a few days, or wait until we had left hospital , we would have had to turn them away or miss out on our babymoon. The way we did it worked out well for all of us.

CravingExcitement · 15/05/2011 16:24

I don't think my family or my inlaws even considered waiting for an invitation. They just came. I was pleased to see them.

fluffles · 15/05/2011 16:27

i love my mum and my mil, both are great, but when i give birth i hope to be in and out of the hospital in the shortest time at all possible.. i hate sleeping in hospitals (basically just can't sleep unless i'm knocked out with drugs).

and if i'm not able to leave quickly, it will be because something is wrong in which case it will depend entirely on whether it's me or the baby that needs extra care whether or not visiting will be appropriate.

i don't think my mum or mil have a 'right' to meet my child in the first 24hrs.. but they will get to meet him/her in the first few days, just maybe not at hospital.

usualsuspect · 15/05/2011 16:28

My dd couldn't wait for me to meet my new grandchildren

and wtf is a babymoon

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 16:33

I think that as soon as you talk about 'rights' you are in trouble with the relationship. Are they even in long enough for visitors?

sprinkles77 · 15/05/2011 16:40

wait till you're invited. knowing that there are people waiting to see you when you are tired and sore isn't going to help. There will be many opportunities very very soon to see your grandchild. After a natural birth lots of women are out of hospital within a few hours, so you might not have time to wait. My inlaws live 200 miles away. They came to breath down our necks visit as soon as they heard I was being induced. Thank god hospital policy was no visitors except partners on the antenatal ward! Baby did not come for 4 days. Just added pressure. If you are a mother in law to the mother to be, I'd be extra careful. I still have not forgiven some of what my MIL did 14 months on!

sprinkles77 · 15/05/2011 16:48

oh, and it is not a right, no one has a right to a baby, even parents. Responsibility for and privilege on the other hand, for everyone, most definitely.

Carrotsandcelery · 15/05/2011 16:49

My SIL's parents travelled at great expense from abroad to be there for the birth of their first grandchild, at my SIL's request. Then my SIL refused to let anyone in to see her while she was in the hospital.

I felt so sorry for them. They were dumped in a country where they couldn't speak the language with no one who could speak to them to help them. We did our best and took them shopping, out for meals etc but it is very difficult with only a smattering of shared vocabulary.

I appreciate that it is a difficult time but she lets her Mum cook, clean etc all the time when she is here and visits her for long spells, even before she had dcs, to get a rest from her housework and cleaning (her admission, not mine).

I felt her parents, in this circumstance, had earned the right to visit at least once, for 10 minutes.

nanasam · 15/05/2011 16:50

FWIW, I think if you have a close and strong relationship with your DD the question of 'rights' doesn't even come into it. I didn't have to ask or wait to be asked, it was taken for granted that DH and I would be straight there. I wasn't wanted at the birth, which is fair enough - I wouldn't have wanted my mum looking at my privates either!

Obviously, this may not work with a DS and partner. If the relationship was not as close, then I'd ask to visit.

My DD was thankful for the support and help over the first few days.

MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 16:51

yes....wtf is a "babymoon"??

activate · 15/05/2011 16:51

this is a hangover from when a new mother stayed in hospital with baby for a few days

now they're delivered and shipped out as soon as possible

grandparents should come to the house instead - and make tea and bring cake of course

MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 16:52

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babymoon

Ah right!

Boak

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