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Original poster

Not being "invited" up to the hospital to visit newborn

69 replies

yummybump · 15/05/2011 14:10

Is it a right to be invited as grandparents up to the hospital after baby has arrived? Would you be bothered if you were asked not to? Opinions...

OP posts:
Pictish · 15/05/2011 17:01

Obviously each to their own, and it's not a 'right' as such, but it sure is nice to be asked and/or made welcome.
I wouldn't have dreamed of asking grandparents to stay away myself, although for the births of younger two, I had them in the night and was home by lunchtime, so no time for any visitors at all. I wouldn't have minded at all though.

usualsuspect · 15/05/2011 17:10

actually I was there at my first grandsons birth so I saw him straight away Grin

PinkFondantFancy · 15/05/2011 17:17

I can't imagine I'd want my PIL to come to the hospital, although that said, it would be easier than having them at my house where they would no doubt expect me to wait on them hand and foot despite having just given birth Hmm

nagynolonger · 15/05/2011 17:33

I waited until I was invited. DS rang me in the early hours to tell me all was well and baby's name. And that was really all I wanted to know!

DIL own mum was the first visitor on the first afternoon, me and Dh visited for 30 mins on the first evening. I got to change baby's nappy......you never forget how to. I was also the first to bath the baby at home.

It should be up to the new parents who visits and when. My GC has a large extended family because DS is one of six. All the uncles and aunt visited during the first week and had their photo taken with the new baby, but the visits were always short to begin with. Even now I never just turn up for a visit. I always ring first to check if it's OK to call in. Both parents know I'll be there if I'm needed.

Original poster
yummybump · 15/05/2011 19:27

Thankyou for the responses, i was only asking as im due no.2 and first time round MIL was asked not to come up to the hospital (i had a very traumatic birth and needed 3 blood transfusions over 3 days amongst other things) She was then declaring "rights" as a GP and that i was forbidding to see her GS and ruining a bond.. i felt awful (i take on alot of guilt!) and ended up saying fine come up for 10 (ended being over an hour) I hated the experience, i was hooked up to machines, having a blood transfusion whilst she was up visiting, and trying to get to grips with BF. Im not sure how to approach this next time? I wasn't strong enough the first time to put my foot down, (my OH was getting frustrated with all her calls- so we just felt it was easier saying yes) (though i did ask before no.1 was born that i wasn't having any visitors) Where do i go from here? Thankyou again.

OP posts:
sprinkles77 · 15/05/2011 19:29

oh, nagynolonger... "first to do this...", "first to do that...." and this is where the grandparents get competitive over who did what first. All being well, every one will have the opportunity to change nappies, bath new borns and get an earful from over tired, harrassed new mums.

however Even now I never just turn up for a visit. I always ring first to check if it's OK to call in. Both parents know I'll be there if I'm needed now that is the right attitude! Good for you!

bigTillyMint · 15/05/2011 19:31

Definitely NOT a right.

But hopefully invited as soon as poss after the birth.

Many mothers are barely in the hospital nowadays anyway.

pink4ever · 15/05/2011 19:36

I am usually the first on here to slag off mil but I have to say I think it is really mean(and also very precious) to insist on no visitors when you have just had a baby. Surely you would want to share the joy with your family?. Babymoon-really?. FFS.

megapixels · 15/05/2011 19:37

Well it's obviously not a right as in a legal right but I do think grandparents should be able to visit their grandchild unless there's a good reason for the parents not wanting you there (like if you were a shit parent to them or something).

And all this, some parents prefer to spend the first few days alone etc., don't make me laugh that is stupid, ridiculous nonsense.

If I were a grandmother (and there's lots more years for that!) I wouldn't go if specifically asked not to, but I'd think I'd done a piss poor job of raising a child if I'd created someone who said that.

Original poster
yummybump · 15/05/2011 19:41

pink4ever- i think it depends on personal circumstances, my reasons at first were due to the fact that iv spent alot of time in hospitals (medical and mental) for various medical reasons and over the years have built up a fear and anxiety whenever im in them. Having visitors up (apart from my mum she was my birth partner and has seen me through every stage of my up and down life) was not something i could cope with alongside everything else!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 15/05/2011 19:42

it's not a right and it really annoys me when people say it is. Parents (and in particular a woman who has just been through labour) should be able to request whatever they want when it comes to visitors at the hospital or at home. A grandparent has the rest of their lives to be a grandparent and a baby is a baby for ages.

nailak · 15/05/2011 19:46

whats the point visitin someone who is tired and wants to sleep after a lon stressful birth? whose benefit are you visitin for? your own so you can awk at the baby?

that said i think invite is weird, surely if you wanted to o you would phone up and find out what ward she was in, ask about her state etc and if its a ood idea to o, not expect the new mum to phone you?

MirandaGoshawk · 15/05/2011 19:48

OP, so your MIL wants to see her new gch asap. Understandable. But in the situation you describe, transfusions etc., then her wants have to be put on hold. Your DP should have firmly told her that she'd have to wait.

My situation was similar - Dtws born suddenly, 10 weeks prem. Very difficult time emotionally. Babies sick, DH & I back & forth to hospital. His parents understood that we couldn't cope with visitors yet. I told my parents to wait a couple of days before coming (from London down to Devon) but they turned up out of the blue at the neonatal unit, saying telling the nurse who let them in it was their 'right'. Nurse came & found me & asked if I minded. She wasn't going to let anyone - even the GPs - visit without our permission. I lost respect for my mother after that. She admitted it was important to her that she saw the babies before the other GPs did.

pink4ever · 15/05/2011 20:01

yummybump-yes of course in some circumstances it would be understandable not to have visitors(if you or the baby were seriously ill for example) but I dont think thats whats being referred to here.It all sounds very "precious" as I said about wanting to stay "in a little bubble". Will the parents still feel that way when they are looking to gps for childcare/babysitting?. Doubt it.
Btw I have also spent loads of time in hospitsal and I looked forward to visitors-alleviated the boredom.

greenlime · 15/05/2011 20:02

Fucking hell, MIL was watching you have a blood transfusion Shock

I would personally just not tell MIL when you are in hospital and get DH to phone her after the baby is born and tell her that you need recovery time and to please visit when you get home.

pink4ever · 15/05/2011 20:07

yummybump-just reread your post and tbh sounds to me like you have a bit of an issue with your mil(rather than just general visitors). Also I think having your own mum as birthing partner and then expecting mil to still stay away is frankly really mean. And believe me I am not a huge fan of my own mil!.

Original poster
yummybump · 15/05/2011 20:10

Oh im very open for visitors coming when we are settled at home (was the next day 1st time) but only the short visits as we had a fair few people to get through and i was still not well! After all, its not just an addition to me and my partners family we have started but to the whole family!

I just don't know where to go with reinforcing "not coming up to the hospital"?!? Im feeling quite panicky about it already and really stressing and dreading the situation (27weeks pg) I don't want to leave a sour/bad atmosphere for when she does come and visit :S

greenlime- it wasn't a memory i wish to remember :(, I even wet myself (blush) when she was up as i had an epidural and things weren't back to normal down there...

OP posts:
Original poster
yummybump · 15/05/2011 20:14

oh MIL is a fabulous GP, and we were building a good relationship before LO, but it was a very different side to her when i asked her not to come up. My mum i wanted there for support and the fact i felt comfortable and not embarrssed having my mum clean me up, watch the delivery etc.
My SIL mother had her mum at the birth both times and then no visitors till she was back at home- my mother accepted it without a hitch, and could understand as it was my SIL mum (closer bond etc)

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 15/05/2011 20:19

your husband needs to man up and reinforce your request.

Knackeredmother · 15/05/2011 20:24

Well none of our parents visited us and we were quite upset but perhaps it may have been because we didn't ask them?
Perhaps you should just ask if they would like you to come?

2gorgeousboys · 15/05/2011 20:24

I find it really difficult when I read all these posts about wanting DM there but not DMIL.

When DS1 was born my DM was the first person other then DH or I to hold him. We rang her at 1:50 am and she cam straight away through the snow for a cuddle of her first grandchild. DMil was also called but she can not drive and came during the day.

When DS2 was born we called both sets of grandparents. DMil worked at the hospital so she came for a cuddle (of her no less precious 4th grandson) within 15 minutes of him being born. My DM bought DS1 later during the day.

Now that I have 2 boys I am really conscious that I will never be the mother of the girl govong birth to my grandchild and hope that my future DILs will not treat me differently to their mums like on some of the threads and comments I read about.

galois · 15/05/2011 20:33

look here granjo:

Empathise with the poor woman who's just squeezed an object the size of a melon out of an aperture the size of a grape, is generally aching all over, sleep deprived, probably anaemic and who daren't look at her nether regions to see exactly which bit the pain is emanating from. And there's this wierd freaky alien thing that keeps crying every 10 minutes and needing to be fed, causing more pain in a different bit.

Can't you leave her alone for a few days, while she gets her neurons untangled?

crystalglasses · 15/05/2011 20:34

I was in hospital for about a week recovering from a very long, traumatic and fruitless labour followed by an emcs and would rather have not had any visitors except my dh, but they came came anyway. I don't think it occurred to any of them that they weren't welcome and I was far to polite to tell them to go, especially as they all came laden with gifts.

nagynolonger · 15/05/2011 21:24

Sprinkles - Believe me I am not a competetive GP!

Like I said I only turned up at the hospital when invited (after the other gran).
I changed the baby because DIL was unable to get out of bed, and DS didn't know where to startGrin Baby and her clothes were covered in new borns poo. What should I have done?

I was the first to bath GD. DIL rang me because she wanted me to show her how to bath the baby. The midwife arrived as I was dessing the baby and she didn't seem to mind. I am very pleased DDIL felt she could do that......and I'm not going to apologise for being pleased.

I didn't get on with my own MIL and have been determined not to make the same mistakes. Even so with 5 sons chances are at least one of their wives will think I'm an evil witch.

fluffles · 15/05/2011 21:25

"hope that my future DILs will not treat me differently to their mums like on some of the threads and comments I read about."

i'm sorry but i am not having my MIL wipe shit and blood off my nether regions... my MUM i could (just about) deal with doing that for me... a woman's mother does not visit to 'be first' to see the grandchild or any other selfish reason, she visits to help her daughter and support her after a traumatic experience.

i love my MIL, and i want her to have a wonderful relationship with my children, but she will never be as close to ME as my mum is, and call me precious if you want but i think the first 24hrs in hospital are at least as much about the recovering mother as the new baby.