Early developer/gifted/ASD? How best to support

[SoloMumJustMuddlingThrough]

I'm not sure how best to support DD (21 months). She has was an early walker & talker with over 100 words by 13 months and now talking in full sentences. I've always thought she is just bright but increasingly has been showing some red flags to suggest something else may be going on. Looking for advice - should I chill and wait it out? Is there anything I should be doing?

She is obsessed with letters and, more recently numbers. She knows the alphabet, has been able to recognise letters for months and has started sounding out simple words eg. Cat, hat, ball etc. She also knows some words from sight such as likes, said etc. She is actively reading from books/signs etc she has not seen before, not simply memorising.

She can count to a hundred, recognise 2 digit numbers eg. She will read 46 - forty six. (For a while she would say the inverse is. 64 but has stopped doing that now.). She knows her odd numbers from her evens, her left from her right etc. Has started learning timetables. I (stupidly) gave her a timetable CD because it had numbers on the cover. She listens to it all the time (😭) and is picking up on some of the songs.

She knows colours, shapes etc. A couple of always ago she pointed to a bit of cardboard on the floor that had been bent and said "look mummy, a trapezium". She is very particular about colours too - it's not blue but turquoise. She has lilac shoes and the bin is "maroon".

I've tried to expand her interests as much as possible. We do toddler football, dancing, music, going swimming together, walks and two or three play dates a week. But honestly she would be more happy, talking to a deck of playing cars, sorting out her number tiles and doing puzzles (she can do a 24 piece puzzle by herself in a couple of mins).

Red flags.
Spinning for a couple of hours a day on a spinning chair.

Arm flapping - mostly when excited.

She repeats the same phrases, does exactly the same thing when playing every time, with no deviation (pick up green sticks and puts them in the milk jug from her tea set. Then "puts some yellow in there" adds the yellow stick. The lines up the pink sticks etc. etc. Everything is always EXACTLY the same. When she lines up number blocks the brown and white ones have to go to one side (they are the "mean ones")

Some sensory issues (complete meltdown when a piece of mud touched her skin)
Lining things up (in a very particular way).

I was chatting with a friend who has a toddler the same age who made a comment that toddlers like to copy parents eg. Pretend to cook, or clean, or play mummy. The closest DD has ever got to that sort of thing is pretending to be a digger or a leaf bower (she was the leaf blower). Zero interest in what I am doing. She wants me to come into her world when we play.

She also has no off switch when it comes to food. She eats everything (apart from egg). People say toddlers stop when they are full...she doesn't!

Acutely aware if right and wrong, good and naughty and talks about it a lot.

Family history of ASD. My brother high functioning autism, same for her half brother.

This is not a braggy post, hence why I've posted in this corner of mumsnet. It's not something I can really talk about on real life. Are the red flags I've identified actually red flags or am I worrying over nothing?

I’m sure you’ll get better responses along very soon, but my two-pennorth is to let her be who she wants/needs to be. Don’t try to make her do too much, if she needs alone time and prefers to do things a certain way, let her. Make notes of what happens before any meltdowns, find the routines she needs and help her with them. She will gain a lot of comfort from them and from structure, being able to rely on them. And be her advocate. Learn all you can, speak up for her and don’t let people put her in a box, or say ‘that’s too old for you to read’ etc.

she sounds delightful, and you sound like a great mum.

With the family history and what you describe, it is certainly possible she could have ASD. She could also be gifted.
I think she sounds great fun - I love a curious toddler who is thirsty for knowledge and likes to share it!
For now, I would maybe do some reading about DME (Dual and Multiple Exceptionality), particularly around parenting approaches when it comes to sensory issues, etc. I found with my AuDHD child that motivation did nothing - there was no carrot that could be offered to influence behaviour, it had no effect.
My advice would be watch and wait - when she starts nursery of school, if issues come up, they can be discussed and consideration made about her needs and how to support them. But I wouldn’t rush to get assessed unless she’s really in crisis.
I know I am biased, but I think my child is fricking awesome - they wouldn’t be who they are without their ADHD and ASD, it’s a part of them, and they are a marvellous human being.

@Errolwasahero thank you. There is a lot of useful advice there. Interesting you should mention being her advocate as I honestly need to do better at that. I find I tend to talk down her progress, which isn't fair on her.

Also, apologies for the many typos! I wrote the OP quickly on my phone and should have checked it before posting

Be child led e.g just let her be/do what she wants to do. It’s equally as difficult to know what to do with a gifted child. I have 1 DS who’s 6 who gets obsessed with topics including quantum physics, biology and maths. We just answer his questions truthfully as much as we can. He reads everything and we were worried about his phonics score as he reads full fairly complicated words without sounding them out. He is likely on the spectrum somewhere his conversational English is not as good as his brother’s who is 4 was walking at 9 months and riding a bike without stabilisers at 2. He spoke in full sentences and could reason at this age too.

@TeaandHobnobs thank you.

I am not in a rush to search for a diagnosis - I don't know how useful they are unless a child is clearly struggling with something.

I do think you hit the nail on the head when it comes to looking for specific parenting approaches. One thing that has helped is breaking down the day into a plan eg. 1. Go for a walk, 2. Play with grandad, 3. Lunch etc.
I have felt completely out of my depth during mud meltdowns, which have included screaming and lashing out and biting. Followed by cuddles and sorry mummy almost as soon as the mud is wiped off?

She sounds brilliant and incredibly smart. I think you are on the right track with ASD (just based on knowing a few kids with ASD including my own).

I’d keep up the mix of activities if she’s happy with them but keep giving her the opportunities to be herself (if she wants to memorise the times tables, why not!) and learn what works for her - every child is unique and ASD doesn’t change that.

Sounds similar to mine at that age (autistic) but that genuinely doesnt mean anything. I would recommend in the current climate getting a referral to assess at some point whilst still pre school as the system is so much faster than when school age and above (or at least it is here). Not because it will make a huge difference, but could save you masses of stress later navigating the system and waiting for goodness knows how many years in the current system. It took us a long time to get anyone to hear us as he "made eye contact". We have supported with interests and with whatever he wanted to explore and just relaxed into it tbh. There are areas he is ahead still but areas he struggles more due to processing difficulties from autism so he balances out.

I mean it is very early days yet so I wouldn’t worry about diagnosis for now, but given how long it takes to access assessment via the NHS I think waiting until they are struggling is too late.

We didn’t seek a diagnosis until DS was 9 and he wasn’t then and still isn’t really struggling but we wanted to:

-help understand himself better

-feel more confident in learning about and applying approaches that work for ND children

-be able to advocate for him as and when needed

I know the fact he’s not struggling now isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle later - I know teen years can be tough for ND children but I think having a diagnosis now feels like we have the right tools to support him.

Yes I ruled out ASD because DS is very social, makes eye contact and is very demonstrative with his affection. I was wrong!

She sounds delightful, very bright and very autistic! I'd speak to the HV about a referral now, as if it takes 3 years you will at least have it in place by the time she starts school.

Is she happy?

It does sound like there probably an ASD diagnosis in her future. I would get the ball rolling on this asap. The waiting list can be years long, there is no harm in being on it. If, when you get to the front, you don't want it then you can decline. Don't wait until she's struggling, by then it's already too late.

I would support her to follow her interests as much as possible.

She is the happiest little thing. 😊

Re being her advocate; you have my mum to thank for that! I’m nowhere near as gifted as your dd but could read very early on, and she argued with the school to let me skip reception; also argued with them about lots of other things! She was formidable.

Re meltdowns; one possibility might be to teach her she has control over the mud? Let her have a pouch/bag with wipes in it so she can clean it off, teach her what mud is etc. a little girl I know loves carrying her special stuff in a little rucksack. It’s like ‘going on a bear hunt’ every day for her! She’ll learn that she can have a strategy for things she finds difficult.

Re typos; the struggle is real!

What does her nursery say about her?

Just re-read your post. On the food, she will likely cope with starting to understand about healthy and non-healthy ways of eating; structure and routine here might help too so that she learns that it’s best if she controls it. Encourage healthy choices, as I’m sure you do already! X

Being in Reception is not just about academic ability - it’s really important to develop the building blocks of Early Years experiences, especially if a child may have some type of neurodivergence.

I do agree, and nowadays maybe they are better at structuring a child’s learning to their abilities. She rightly deemed that I would have been angry at being forced to go through the motions, and disengaged from the whole process. This was quite a while ago though!

She isn't at nursery. She was invited to join the next group up in french which we do with the three year olds. She is my first so I didn't realise quite how bright she was until people started commenting to me.

This is exactly my concern. She needs to be around her peers but i have no idea what, if any, provision there is for children quite significantly ahead. I can imagine she's going to be overjoyed about reading in year 1 the same book she did aged 1.5 -2 years old

She sounds as if she has quite severe sensory issues - mud, spinning, not recognising feeling full when eating. She also seems to struggle with social interaction with peers and you as her carer. You also mention flapping and repetitive play. Does she make a pretend cup of tea for her toys or you or is more interested in placing coloured sticks in a jug in a regimented order. Emotional regulation is also an issue - she may only meltdown over mud now but her environment in nursery and school could challenge her to the point of meltdown if she is not allowed to control her environment and has to follow rules, instructions etc.

You need to advocate for her where she is struggling and significantly behind her peers rather than focus on her being significantly ahead in ways that may also suggest ASD such as hyperlexia.

She is still wonderful and smart. She wont be any less wonderful and smart if you help her receive the support she needs to thrive.

I do hear what you are saying but honestly wouldn't describe her as having severe sensory issues at all.

She does make cups of teas for her toys (not me though! 😉), she plays with her soft toys and creates quite elaborate story lines. She understands facial expressions very well, for example she'll point to pictures and say "the rabbits sad", "he's thinking" etc. she can also make facial expressions on demand. If I say can you show me you happy face we get the biggest open mouth smile. Can you show me your dad face and she will do some Oscar worthy pretend crying. BUT at the same time she also does a lot of repetitive play - I don't know if that is typical or not.

She is happy to get dirty with paint, sand etc. It is just mud she doesn't like. I can count on two hands the number of times she's had a meltdown. She has always been very contented, barely cried as a baby (I was so so lucky!)

I would say she is good with playing with her peers. She says hello, likes to hold hands, happy to share her toys and take turns etc.

She flaps only when she is very excited.

She is okay happy in classes when there is a lot of noise, people etc.

There is autism in my family so I do know what to look fod. Nothing screams ASD to me, but there are a few flags. It seems to be more her preferences rather than needs at the moment.

She sounds adorable. My DS was like that too.
Definitely worth looking into a diagnosis when she starts school if you think there’s a chance she’s on the spectrum.

Primary school fobbed us off as he was off the wall bright compared to the other children in his year group but he had obvious issues with balance and sports so they did concede he might have Dyspraxia.

I finally paid privately and he was diagnosed with Dyspraxia and Autism at 15yrs by the Paediatric Neurologist.

The PN said it was very common for schools to deny any issues if the students are coping well academically. However, DS couldn’t join in with sports and it was affecting his friendships and he was getting bullied quite badly at secondary school.

You clearly think there is enough going on there that you have made a thread about it. No one here can say if she is autistic, but the nhs process takes years, so worth having a chat to the health visitor, you will be offered the 2 year check up soon anyway. While school support is supposed to be needs based, it is a lot easier if you have an independent confirmation of those needs.

In the meantime, just go with what she loves. Don't attempt to stifle her learning. She is presumably so happy because she gets to do what she enjoys with numbers etc and that's wonderful.

@HarryVanderspeigle honestly I feel a bit out of my depth. There's a few subtle signs of ASD, enough for it to be in my radar. But I don't know whether I would be best to follow her interests or try and direct her to other things. What I don't want to do is teach her something differently to how school may teach, or do too much with her so she is bored at school. At the same time I think it's right to follow her interests. So honestly I feel a bit stuck

There are so many variables on who she might be when she is older, or how school might teach her. The child you have now is the one you know and who's needs you are meeting. Nothing wrong with introducing new things, but if it upsets her, don't push it. She sounds amazing.