AIBU to think that parents who hope their child is especially clever, don't know what they are wishing for?

[var123]

Its nice when your toddler can do things much earlier than anyone expects, especially if you more or less miss the frustration that marks the terrible twos because their communication is already so good that they don't feel frustrated.

And when competitive mothers at the mother and toddler group start comparing development, you know they won't want to compare progress with you.

However, it begins to turn on its head at school. You child is exceptional and unfortunately, schools don't really cater for the exceptional. That means frequent trips to school to try to encourage some sort of response from the teachers. there is some funding for extra help for children who struggle to pick things up but nothing for the other end of the spectrum and the system just isn't set up to encourage schools to help them. Its all "no child left behind".

So, it will be frustrating watching your child tread water for prolonged periods, not to mention worrying when you see the impact this has on your child.

Then there are the potential issues of difficulty finding friendships, asynchronous development, boredom at school and perfectionism.

For the parents, its just hard work (and potentially expensive) trying to feed a voracious appetite for knowledge at home.

For all the pride and amazement I felt when my children were little and could read etc with alarming ease, I realise now that our lives would have been much easier if they had just been a little less clever.

If you are talking about children who are 3~4 years ahead, catch any concept easily, the YANBU.
There are little provision for the I fortunately. I mean mines are ahead bit within 'acceptable' levels and it's already hard work!

However I think most people who wish their child to be clever don't think exceptionally clever. But clever enough to find things easy ish and be able to do what they want.
I think though it's the issue with competitive parenting. You always want your dc to do better and better than the others wo realising that you can't take 'school achievements' out of context and consider impact on the child. Or rather we do when a child is struggling. Not when they do well.

I was thinking more of the people who post asking if their pre-school child is G&T (not top 10% but a bit more than that).

Sometimes it sounds like they may turn out to be right, but what I think they do not realise is that they are wishing something fraught with difficulties on themselves are their children.

Its hard to judge how many years ahead a child is. In my case, DS theoretically just attained a NC level that may not be normal for another 4 years, so i have an objective measure at the moment. However what worries me is that again he is telling me that all the (non-creative) work he gets at school is really easy. Every time he gets challenged, he just rises to the new level and works at 20% effort again.

Its not a good preparation for the real world.

Then friends! It shouldn't matter how clever your friends are. But sharing interests is a good basis for a friendship. So DS has some friends who share his football interest, but no one for the other stuff, and in the same vein, he really has limited interest in their electronic racing games.

DS had a boy from school on a playdate. The boy is amazingly clever. Maybe a little more than DS. Plus they share similar interests in geography, maths, history, science etc. There aren't many children like this, so we were really pleased that they'd found each other. the other boy's mum was even more pleased judging by the way she reacted. She said he didn't have any friends.

After six hours with the boy, we found it why: He is absolutely obnoxious with zero social skills or awareness of other people. He made sure we all acknowledged his brilliance and then kicked DS! So that friendship floundered before it got started but now DS doesn't have anyone with whom to share his interests again.

There's other flip sides to being bright/high level thinkers.
Socially apart from their peer group
Parents view them differently to other children
Although highly bright the child may develop other issues e.g loneliness, anxiety, be perfectionists and scared of things that they may 'fail' at so limit themselves.

It's rare to find a very clever child where there's not a flip side to their abilities. It's not that brilliant to be the 'g&t' child.

I agree, who would be wishing for no sleep, overthinking everything which extends to worrying about unusual food, having a memory that means one has to be very careful about what one says, did i mention no sleep? School was ok actually, i was too tired to worry if she was being extended enough. I would have selttled for some sleep and a child that would eat properly and if only she would stop being so literal and logical!

At secondary she struggled to understand the social rules of girls but did get on better with the boys. It seems that eventually things pan out, dd now doing a levels and as promised now the work is challenging she goes to sleep at a reasonable time. I am not sure if she was gifted or just a pain in the ass. Be careful what you wish for...

Not sure why your friends need to be on an academic level with you. Not all mine are.

There's a reason why intelligence is seen as a gift. It's because it's a desirable characteristic, and is inherently positive. Yes, it can lead to some problems - but then being average can present its own challenges. It is disingenuous to pretend that it's something that you wouldn't wish your child to be.

OMG Doormouse - the memory thing!!! Arghhhhhh.

How the fuckity fuck can I be expected to recall word for word what I said 2 yrs ago? But then I don't need to because DS2 can bring it out of thin air and remind me - just to make a point and win another round of the game "I am right you know, and you, my mother dear are a brainless fool"

And sleep. Once a week DS2 gives me the joy of a proper nights sleep.

I wish he could just enjoy a happy free moment without having to analyse it.

jeee - I think it's one of those things that is desirable until you get it.

I know some children function perfectly well. But some really don't and it is heartbreaking to see them in a mental torment over something that they cannot help.

I agree OP. Very much a case of be careful what you wish for. I want happy children not brilliant ones.

I think that having a g&t child presents very specific challenges.
It's not just 'desirable' with very few issues associated with it.
There are so big issues coming with having such a big discrepancy between emotional maturity, physical maturity and intellectual maturity.
Imagine that you are 10yo, like suing football like another boy, come teky uninterested in girls etc. but you are working at an age 14 level with all the texts and their complexity. How do you deal with texts aimed at 14~16yo that will talk about boy-girl relationship when you still a young 10yo in your head?
I am very lucky that ds has never been seriously stretched at school so work just about. 1.5~2 years ahead. But he us emotionally very mature. That helps a lot.
Except when I forget that on a lot of other levels he is still a 10yo....

Going back to the sleep my dd did not sleep through until she was six, or more to the point we stopped caring about sleep and focused on being in bed relaxing! As a child at leadt we didnt need to worry about dropping day time naps because she never did them!
As an aside my ds is just as bright but more chilled, one difference was the cranial oestaeopathy he had as a small baby. Perhaps dd was just a brat! But oh the lack of sleep, and yes pancake, having a child tell you not to bother arguing a point because "you know i am right", and yes she always was, grrrrr.
We were always told that when she could sit, walk talk, go to nursery, school, read or whatever it would improve...
Obviously i am still scarred.
There are many many other downs, the time she had a meltdown for three weeks, yes three weeks and wouldnt tell us what was wrong until one night she called me to her room, "i am ready to tell yoy what is wrong" i wad worried about abuse, bullying and worse. No it was bescause there was something in maths she did quite understand! In year 5 were had to see the teacher for her to realise it was normal.
Also, the problems with accidentally treating like a mini gown up. Please dont make this mistake...

There are many many plus points too, and she is a wonderful yound adult now.

Sorry, i am not gifted. Meant something she didn't quite understand. Oops

Oh Doormouse I am sooooo glad to have found you! We had no naps to drop either. And we have done cranial osteopathy which has helped with sleep ( no longer 20mins at a time naps but sleeps for a few hours at a time now).

I am between crying and laughing at the 3 week melt down over a maths question.

My DS2 is only 6 and today had a melt down when we were out for a hike. I thought it was because I had not made his fav sarnies. Turned out the reason was " I am sooo sad because I don't want to be an adult. You can never have any fun as an adult. It's all just so boring."

When I suggested that being an astronaut would be exciting (his latest fad) he looked at me in disgust and said "You really think hanging around in a cramped space shuttle day after day is a fun thing to do?"

He is utterly wonderful and so loving. But I can see his little brain working so hard. Mine would short-circuit.

Glad to hear your DD is a wonderful young adult. I keep reassuring myself that it must get easier as they become adults ( if we get the building blocks in place for them to grow beautifully).

It's not all bad though, it's really nice having someone who enjoys going to museums, exhibitions and talks and whom you can talk science with. We have great conversations over the table and dd has a wonderful sense of humour. Dd has always been great company, still is though she is mid teens now and the ability to read early was a huge life saver when travelling - as long as we took enough books with us she was happy.

Dont worry pancake, by the time they are 16 it will get easier....but the pressure of doing well in gcses because everyone knows i am clever was an added pressure. I feel like i could write a book.

doormouse04 - did you DD do this thing where she'd fall to pieces as the exams were coming up, believe that everything she'd done so far was pure luck and then do extremely well in the exams? Then repeat the whole process next year.

Ds does this and its distressing to see him bully himself, followed by relief when he goes back to his old self when he knows that he's probably done well. Only for it all to happen again next time.

Maybe I am asking for too much maturity from him - its an easy trap to fall into when he generally is mature beyond his years.

Actually no, always ok with exams until last summer and final gcse exams even then pretty cool about them on the surface. Dd was worried that she didn't seem to be bothered, i think this was a coping mechanism in case she didnt do as well as expected.

I think parents of clever kids ahould worry more about their social development than if they are stretched. I think that is sometimes more about bragging rights.

I always wanted a clever son. DS1 is v bright but difficult as hell with it. He refuses to socialise in a normal way with his peers as he says their things are embarrassing and only wants to talk about science/technology etc. I think he may be on the spectrum possibly.

But who can you brag to? I am uncomfortable discussing it with anyone in RL, apart from DH and my mother.

Even MIL seems to think that my children are in some way insulting her other grandchildren when they do well!

I completely agree about social development, although I originally didn't understand that this would be an issue and so wasn't focused on it. Right now, Ds1's friends seem to openly discuss his intelligence and use it as an asset for themselves e.g. homework help. Maybe that's ok - i am not sure.

If he was extremely good at sports, they'd always want him on their side in games. So is it the same thing? But dropping into conversations between themselves that DS is "the clever one" in such a matter of fact way sounds odd.

I would say that good social skills will get you much further in life than being very bright.

When DS1 (pfb) could read at 2.5, I told everyone I knew because I was so pleased and amazed. I thought they'd be chuffed for him. Instead, people seemed to take umbrage and didn't want to know. DS2 is also a very good reader but this time I have learned to keep my trap shut lol :)

"However, it begins to turn on its head at school. You child is exceptional and unfortunately, schools don't really cater for the exceptional. That means frequent trips to school to try to encourage some sort of response from the teachers. there is some funding for extra help for children who struggle to pick things up but nothing for the other end of the spectrum and the system just isn't set up to encourage schools to help them. Its all "no child left behind".

So, it will be frustrating watching your child tread water for prolonged periods, not to mention worrying when you see the impact this has on your child.

Then there are the potential issues of difficulty finding friendships, asynchronous development, boredom at school and perfectionism. "

Have you been the parent of a struggling child?

DD2 is on her third school because her 'struggling to pick things up' wasn't dealt with in a way she could cope with.

She also suffers with perfectionism (half an hour to write the word 'bat' was a nice example).

She also found friendships in short supply.

None of what you've written is unique to a 'gifted' child. It's common in any child who has needs that aren't met.

I home educate my two boys. DS1 was in school but they weren't willing to meet his needs in any way and he was becoming depressed.

It wasn't meant as a description of unique features to parenting a gifted a child. Perhaps it does apply to the other end of the spectrum too, but I have no experience of that. I did post in G&T though rather than a more general part of the forum.

What i do know is that parenting a highly able child is not the charmed experience that some people seem to think it is.

The grass is always greener etc, but I suspect that parenting an all-rounder who makes friends easily and is challenged by top set work would be the ideal!

Actually i think my dds needs were met. There were enough challenges in understanding the needs of others, developing an understanding of empathy, accepting discipline from her parents, taking risks in other areas of her life... and so on.

Academics are only one part of the picture and finding challenge in other areas can help stem boredom, or percieved lack of challenge in a school environment.