Hyper-sensitive DD. Will she always be this way?

[poorincashrichinlove]

DD(7) was identified as G&T in her reception class when she was reading Y2 books with ease etc. She's our first child so without prior knowledge we didn't really know that she was particularly bright (although she would memorise my shopping lists at age 2!). What was more notable, and if I'm honest, more difficult to deal with was that her emotional and sensory experience is particularly heightened. E.g. as an infant/toddler she was very sensitive to light (and still is, although less so), the taste and texture of things, loud noises (this hasn't changed), and if she falls and hurst herself, no matter how minor, it truly is the end of the world. I think this is where her emotional sensitivity overlaps as her perception is often worse that the reality.

The biggest challenge for us as parents is her extreme emotional sensitivity. Experiences that her friends brush off (e.g. them taking back a cherished toy they said she could keep forever totally broke her heart recently). She is very literal! Her first response to anything remotely upsetting is still to burst into tears. Is this normal at age 7?

She is happy and thriving at her small, intimate, infants school and has some lovely friends. Both DH and I are healthcare profs with knowledge of psychological processes and we've brought our children up using behavioural principles. Thus, we've been careful not to reinforce or indulge in her crying behaviour, but we're careful not to invalidate her experience. Sometimes my patience just runs out though and I just wish I knew how to help her to express herself more appropriately.

Am I expecting too much from her? I have posted this in G&T, not because this aspect matters much to me, but because quite often children who are G&T are also hyper-sensitive. I don't want my DDs emotional vulnerability to turn her into a target as she moves up to a bigger junior school. If my quandry resonates with you, do you have any advice?

Hi poorincash. I haven't any useful advice, but will watch your thread with interest. I don't know if my dd (5) is g and t, but she is certainly extremely bright. And extremely emotional. I have recently been putting a lot of thought in to how to manage her outbursts, and her tendency to over dramatise things. I realise I've been trying to change it, train it out of her! result being a hugely frustrated me, and a poorly understood and frustrated dd.

It's helped me a lot to read a threads on here. And to realise I can't change the way she is. I just need to improve the way I respond and manage her. But I'm yet to work out my strategy! I'm also a health professional, and have studied psycho dynamic theories in the past. Unfortunately I think I'm pretty sensitive too, and I'm crap at containing my own feelings, let alone my volatile 5 year olds. Thank God dp is such a calm, non emotional guy!

I have just had this book delivered a couple of days ago. I have read the first few chapters and I think it will be good.
my 6 yr old is VERY much an emotional extremes child.

www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Intensity-Gifted-Students-Explosive/dp/1593634900

it is an American book with lots of "case studies" covering children of different ages and problems for both sexes. Has info for parents, paragraphs of info for teachers too. As I say I am only a few chapters in so only read the sort of information bits so far and then it moves on to ways to try and deal with it and help the child learn to cope with their emotional intensity in a positive way. not telling them not to be like that because they can't actually help it but recognising things like if they need time on their own to calm themselves down and so on.

It's cool that she can be so sensitive and not have behaviour problems at school. Am feeling a bit .

There's a good book called "highly sensitive people' (sorry can't link), take a look at that. There's a lot you can do to help her manage it.

DS1 is very sensitive (slightly different triggers). In Reception he was melting down weekly. It gradually improved over the years - he's in Year 5 now and is so mature and in control, it is amazing.

He still find transition very hard, and his teacher (who is a NQT, and is going to be a high flier!) is just brilliant. He can read DS like a book, and seems to be able to reassure him with a nod.

In hindsight, I would say, don't push her out of her comfort zone too much, but just encourage and lead by example. Try and identify triggers and teach her how to spot them.

DS had meltdowns, which we eventually identified were panic attacks, so we've worked on these too.

In terms of the emotional sensitivity, it might be just part of her personality. I just tried to watch The Good Wife on 4oD and had to turn it off when I realised it was about an execution. Even that word makes me feel sick and almost cry. I can't watch or read anything about people treating each other with cruelty-I have nightmares for weeks and it really, really affects me. I can't understand how other people aren't affected similarly-when I see something cruel I can't do anything but imagine what it's like to go through such pain. Everyone tells me my reaction is over the top and it's possible to empathise without 'feeling' it to that extent but I can't change it. Anyway, sorry that's a bit off topic, but I just wanted to assure you it is normal for some people to be very sensitive!

Actually, that is spot on!

I am very sensitive too, I have just learned how to handle it. I think that is what maturity hopefully brings.

I don't think I've learned how to handle it very well! I just try to avoid it. Sometimes this involves leaving the room with my hands over my ears

nonickname - the book you recommended looks like it will be very helpful, thank you.

To sensitive others - I think I'm also sensitive but because growing up I was ridiculed, I hardened. Sadly. I don't want to do this to my DD. Being sensitive makes her so caring and in tune with others' feelings, it's quite a special gift in itself.

ds1 was like this and he is now 16, so I thought you might be encouraged (a but) by his story...

He was identified as highly able age 7, (not by us - like you we didn't really realise). So far he's definitely fulfilled that - all A* at GCSE, including full marks for about one third of his papers/module, highest achiever in his year at school, etc.

He was also very sensitive in a number of ways. I do't think this sensitivity has gone away, but he has learned to respond in more socially appropriate ways.

So if he saw something funny when a theatre club visited school, he would ROAR with laughter and fling himself around. By the age of 9 or so, he was able to contain this more.

If he has any pain or injury, he is still a bit of a drama queen about it; but rather more emotionally.

I remember when he was 7 he. sobbed for 2.5 days at the thought that one day he would cease to exist...! :-o I know he is still 'bothered' by this thought (we are religious, he is not), but he's not so dramatic about it.

For a long time he would never, ever tell lies; and simply didn't believe that other children did. On his discovery of the first instances of this, he was DEVASTATED, but he has now learned to accept this as a possibility - so doesn't react to strongly; though he remains quite transparent himself.

In the last 5 years the only thing that has caused him real problems in this area is his response to injustice or unfairness. On occasion he did get very angry when someone was punished unfairly (not usually him, as he was rarely in any trouble ... except when he was in trouble for standing up for someone who was unfairly accused of something...)

From the age of 7-11 we did do some active role play with him, and used 'social stories' to try and teach him about some of these issues. I don't know if that worked, or if it was just growing maturity and growing self control.

I'm intrigued by the book though and may want to read that.

Apologies for typos - on iPad this morning.

Hello. All your threads ring very true to my experience of my seven year old ds. It was good to hear the experience of the16 year old because I really hope he manages to grow out of it a bit. My son is very able (taught himself to read at 3 / reading levels of 2 in reception etc) but school has been one constant battle because of his emotional sensitivity and over reaction to events. It always so extreme with him. It's exhausting. I would also recommend the book the highly sensitive child. It's very insightful and reassuring.
Also reading your description of your daughter you could of been describing me as a child. I think she will cope better as she gets older (and a little desensitised to the unfairness of life) however I am still very sensitive and again this does not help with my son as I know I'm the one who needs to keep calm (being the adult) even though I feel very emotional about it! Good luck . The thread about the highly sensitive child mentioned above will be of use to you.

I wonder if highly sensitive boys have a harder time than girls due to social expectations?

Hello, our dd (8) is very similar - very bright but ridiculously sensitive, won't flush toilet as 'loud noise' hates hand dryers in public toilets etc. also can't understand that people may lie...

She's just been through assessment for aspergers and we're waiting for the results...

Rosa-I'll be interested to learn the outcome of your DDs assessment...

I have a 7 year old girl who sounds very similar. There are a couple of other good books to look at. The Highly Sensitive Child and The Out of Sync Child.

My dd has done some play therapy sessions which have helped her a lot.

Roisin - Thank you for sharing. It does give me hope that my DD will just grow out of being 'hyper' sensitive and learn to manage her sensitivity, as you DS has.

I'm inclined to see it as a part of her personality rather than to pathologise. Probably because she does function well and doesn't have behavioural problems. (She's a teacher's dream - self motivated, quick to learn and eager to do well). If anything, considering Aspergers/ASD is a continuum, I always thought she'd be at the opposite end due to her sensitivity. Perhaps this is niaive

Poorincash, you could be right about boys as unlike your daughter he does have behaviour issues at school but not because he is deliberately naughty more because he cannot manage his feelings and overreacts. How I would love him to 'shrug' things off a bit more. I have also noticed since moving to y3 there is a real 'boys don't cry attitude'. DS recognises this but says he just can't help it [sad} and I know how he feels. I don't think he has aspergers although friends have suggested he could be tested. He certainly ticks some boxes but my gut instinct is that his issues are about being hyper vigilent and caring too much rather than lacking picking up social cues. However the frustrated outcomes in his behaviour can be similar. Also professionals recognise aspergers as a condition rather than being highly sensitive .

Thinking of this thread, OP, as I am in the cafe at Warner Brothers Harry Potter world with a nervous 10 year old DS1.

He's read the books inside out, "revised" the film last night, has been really looking forward to this tour, but now he's gone completely silent on me, because it is a new place, he doesn't know the rules etc. Overwhelmed.

A few years ago, I would have despaired. Now, I just know:

1. arrive very early;
2. feed him cake as soon as we arrive, sit at back of cafe so he can watch and calm down;
3. give him something to read;
4. Act in control and don't maje him talk to anyone

All good so far!

sitting - It seems you know your boy well and are very adept at orchestrating circumstances to enable him to cope. It does sound like your DS is even more sensitive to his environment than my DD.

I feel hearing these accounts of sensitive children who miss out on being carefree.

p.s. Hope you both had a great day sitting

Sorry I can't link on the phone but it might be worth googling sensory processing disorder check list. Ds1 has extreme tactile sensitivity as well as emotional sensitivity - this is why he screams blue murder over injuries. He has ASD - the new diagnostic criteria specifically refers to sensory issues. Hypo and hypersensitivity (often both in the same child) is very common in AS.

You mention mostly physical processing difficulties (try reading too bright, too loud (?)) rather than 'just' emotional sensitivity. Your GP can refer to OT but often the NHS don't do sensory integration.

keepon Thank you. I've never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder before-what a revelation. My DD also has problems with proprioception -knowing where her limbs are in space- which is consistent with SPD. I've looked into dyspraxia previousl, but it didn't Most of the symptoms I'vefit. I'm reluctant to go down the GP route because she's highly functional and I wonder whether, in her case, labelling would serve little function or even be harmful.

Most of the symptoms I've mentioned have become manageable or they've lessened in intensity over time. I suppose that even her emotionality is improved as she's learning an emotional language to express herself.

sorry. posting on phone. what a mess...

Hi again. I think it is really a case of getting to know your child, and accepting and loving them for whom they are, whilst also helping them to manage in the world around them. Don't compare them to other children (and I know it is very hard not to do this), as every child is unique.

In DS1's case, he finds new environments, crowds and new rules very hard to manage. He is also very sensitive to noise - not so much to do with volume, but lots of conversations around him at once is overwhelming. He absorbs so much, that it just can't process it all.

Upside is, he is fantastic in class because he can follow every instruction very easily and absorbs facts and information like a sponge. A dream to teach, but he has to know what the rules are.

I found the Highly Sensitive Child book a great help - not because it taught me anything new, but because it made me relax and simply accept that he was that child. When he was a toddler and in infants, I would frequently be in pieces trying to work out where I'd "gone wrong".

We had a fantastic time, thank you! Once he'd relaxed into it he absolutely loved it. Of course he refused to go nowhere near the broomsticks, wands or anything interactive, but he did come away with the first book translated into Latin:)